DP planning to propose, how do I let him down gently?

[barkinginessex]

We are off to Paris next weekend and I've just found a diamond engaging ring.
We've been together 8 years but I don't want to marry him. He's not the right man for me.
How do I let him down gently? I feel sick at the thought of saying no and hurting him but deep down I know that saying yes would be wrong

Who said the ring is for you

If you feel guilty about ending things you should remind yourself that he deserves a chance to find someone that feels the same way about him, not someone who doesn't really want to marry him.

I find it interesting that when an OP posts about how she wants to treat her partner like shit she drip-feeds an affair/some sort of bad treatment into the mix when MN doesn't applaud her treatment of him.

At the end of the day you don't want to be with this man. So you need to end the relationship and let him move on to be with someone who does.

My post may have seemed a bit unkind, i wasnt judging you for it as maybe the ring was a shock wbich made you re evaluate your life in that moment. But please end it before Paris. Be honest. It will hurt you both but will be better in the long run.

Sorry this is harsh and blunt, but why on earth have you stayed with him for 8 years is hes 'not the right man for you'.
Very selfish

THIS. In spades.

@barkinginessex

FFSLet him go, and be with someone who will give a shit about him!

I also get annoyed with people drip feeding. And put a second post saying 'Oh by the way, he had an affair.' Not cool, but why the F are you still with him, especially if he is 'not the right man?'

PlatformNineAndThreeQuarters

Who said the ring is for you?

If he thinks you've forgiven him and moved on (for 5 years!) there is no way of 'letting him down gently'. And you need to do it before Paris.

I don't get it.

OP is a long term poster and has posted about her DP's affair and treatment of her before.

OP I would have left him a long time ago, but presumably the fact that you didn't leads him to believe all is forgiven. Just end it, he is making you miserable with his behaviour and life is too short to put up with that.

OK, just tell him you found a ring and you assume it's not for you as you don't want to marry, not now possibly ever, anyone. Do it while you're busy - out, or emptying the dishwasher etc, so he doesn't feel you're pointing directly at him iyswim. Keep it breezy so he can keep a bit of pride.

At some point, you are going to have to talk to him properly though. You are keeping him dangling atm, and impeding your own progress through life, as well as his.

End it now.

FFS end this and move on.

I wouldn't go to Paris but I would break up with him. I don't understand why you are with him?

Break up with him today OP

And then move forward with your new life

Wasting your time and his life

3 years since discovering the affair. I don't think that's an excessively long time to try to work through things. I think the OP's getting a bit of a hard time. It's easy to push it to the back of the mind and it's hard to make that break, especially if it's all going reasonably well and she doesn't have anything 'new' as reason to end things.

Thanks everyone for your comments, harsh but probably deserved, and I'm sorry for the drip feed.
I posted in haste as I found the ring about an hour ago whilst DP was out and I panicked. I'm feeling calmer now but just don't know what to do.
I really don't want to hurt him, I feel tearful just thinking about it.

Please do break up with him before you go. Give him his dignity and don't make him go through the anxiety and excitement of planning a proposal. Best of luck OP.

It will hurt him more if you prolong the relationship and go to Paris with him.

You are already hurting him by leading him on.

I have no sympathy for what he did, however you chose to remain with him and try again. Its been long enough that he probably thinks your relationship is well again.

please leave him.

I do not say that lightly at all.
You don't want to be with him long term, but after 8 - EIGHT ! years you are still there.

He would be within his rights to be seriously pissed off.

This is not about marriage or not, this is about your relationship. You have never got over the affiar (fair enough, no law says you have to) and you have no intention of spending the rest of you life with him.

So, serious question for you - why are you still there? Apathy? Don't want to disrupt the status quo? Thinking any many is better than none?

Come on, cancel Paris, fess up and leave.

Well you kind of have to really don't you. Stop fucking about.

I really don't want to hurt him, I feel tearful just thinking about it

He gets hurt either way. He either gets hurt now; when you end things, or he gets hurt later when the marriage falls apart because you can't live a lie forever/he cheats again.

Find the kindest way to end things today. You owe it to yourself and to him.

Sorry @barkinginessex. I feel bad now for being a cow.

Yeah I didn't know you had already posted about the affair, but clearly you are in turmoil and should not be with him. Not fair on either of you.

Tell him you found the ring and you cannot marry him. And tell him why. You can never forgive and forget his affair, and you don't really love him.

Good luck, and sorry again...