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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Christian wife leaving my husband

603 replies

WonderRose · 16/09/2017 11:48

I'm a Christian woman about to leave my husband and I was looking for some advice on how to carry the guilt. We have 2 children together and have been together 3 years. He's not a very nice man. I was speaking people before but I can't remember their usernames so can't get in touch with them

OP posts:

SeraphinaDombegh · 19/09/2017 22:05

Great news wonder. I'm so relieved that you've been able to take this difficult, significant step. We're all still here to listen if you want to talk. Take one day at a time, hold onto the hope that things will get better, and trust in the One who loves you with a steadfast, faithful love.

PacificDogwod · 19/09/2017 22:09

I cannot be of help on the religious front, but v happy to be a listening ear.

You have done a very difficult but oh so important step and that takes strength and guts, so please take some time to give yourself credit for your valour in the face of adversity

TheRealBiscuitAddict · 20/09/2017 08:01

Today is the first day of the rest of your life OP. Remember that even when there is no conditioning involved it takes the average woman at least ten assaults before leaving, add the upbringing and conditioning you've been subjected to your whole life into the equation and of course leaving is going to have been hard. But you've taken the first step now and the rest will follow from here on in.

And keep posting. Those who don't like it are free not to read it.

Flammingstar · 20/09/2017 20:36

How are you today OP? Settling in to cousins well? How did he react to you leaving? Hope that you are well?

Original poster

WonderRose · 20/09/2017 21:19

I'm ok. Still a bit of a mess. Settling ok. He's been phoning and so have my parents. He's told them I've taken all his money. I only took half. Kids are good. Not bothered by it all yet.

OP posts:

Flammingstar · 20/09/2017 22:47

Awww Wonder it's still early days. Keep remembering that you have absolutely done the right thing. This is the first day of a life of freedom rather than fear and not being allowed to live your life.
The children are young, it is an adventure to them and he doesn't sound like much of a Dad, far from it so it's unlikely that they will miss him.
Safe contact can be set up when things have settled a bit and you are feeling better.
He had to give a 'reason' for why you left - he was never going to admit to being an abusive arse so he is just trying to make you look bad...... the fact that he can only say that you have "taken all his money" says it all and is frankly pathetic!
Do not tell your parents where you are just in case he guilt trips them into telling him your whereabouts.
Keep up your bravery and strength OP...... You did what you had to do to protect yourself and your children because of HIS behaviour, not anything you did.

MrsCK · 20/09/2017 22:54

Hope you're ok op

Onecutefox · 20/09/2017 23:00

OP, good luck and please update us whenever you have time!

NettleTea · 20/09/2017 23:02

I followed you last thread and i am so glad you are out.

PacificDogwod · 21/09/2017 17:23

So glad you're settling
Children are resilient and very likely will hugely benefit from being away from an abusive situation.

ElizaDontlittle · 21/09/2017 19:31

It's bound to be really hard. But you are a courageous and selfless woman whose love for her children has been at the forefront of her actions. Speak to your parents if they will help and support you, otherwise ask them and your STBXH to give you some space.
A hug and and - thinking of you

Original poster

WonderRose · 24/09/2017 22:08

I just wanted to thank everyone for their help. I'm feeling much better. Strange but better. I have an appointment with a solicitor on Thursday. My husband is phong and texting non stop. Either begging me to come home saying he will change or calling me every name under the sun and telling me I won't get away with this. It's strange being away from my old life. My cousin won't even let me do anything in her house to help her. I feel like I'm lost not having non stop chores and things to do. I'm just being with my kids. Its nice. My parents won't speak to me until I come back and sort through our marriage problems. Hopefully they will come around

OP posts:

SeraphinaDombegh · 25/09/2017 14:44

@WonderRose, it's great to have an update and hear that you're doing ok. You have made a good, strong choice and things will get easier over time. Well done for seeing a solicitor. If your parents keep saying you should try to talk over your problems, try giving them the unvarnished truth about all the abusive things your STBXH was saying and doing to you. If they still don't take your side, you may need to lovingly disengage with them. Praying for continuing strength and courage for you - you're doing amazingly well

Flammingstar · 26/09/2017 00:51

@Wonder.....it is so good to know that you are doing well and are safe. It is an important, extremely brave but necessary step to see the solicitor. Well done - you have so much courage and you have done exactly the right thing. I hope that the 'fog' that was the abuse that your husband subjected you to is now beginning to lift a little, although that will take time.
The important thing to focus on now is enjoying some quality, guilt free, amazing time with your children and focusing on what is important.
The first step is getting you 'well' again and free from the mark that the abuse is bound to have left. I would possibly suggest some counselling and maybe some mindfullness/meditation or something to help calm and focus.
In the slightly longer term, you will need to discuss with the solicitor a possible divorce and safe contact for the children....... although you don't have to do anything about either of those yet.
With regards to your husband unfortunately you are going to have to be firm. Tell him via text that you will not tolerate abusive text messages day and night and if he continues you will have no option but to block him. Tell him that you have an appointment with a solicitor and unless there is a issue with the children that he needs to be informed about outside of office hours, all communication can go through them.
Your parents are not being fair. I agree that you should tell them the extent of the abuse your husband put you through and tell them they can support your choice as an adult to make your own decisions for the welfare of you and your children or not. It's their choice but they have to live with their decision and conscience.
You have been amazingly strong Wonder.......
Even half of what you have been through would have floored a lot of people, but you have survived and not only that - you are begining to thrive without that abusive bully's influence wearing you down.

Well done lady....... we are here remember that.

Original poster

WonderRose · 08/10/2017 18:50

I had to go back to him. My parents asked if they could take the kids out for the day to the beach and things. They didnt. They gave them to him! He phoned me, smug as anything and told me if I dont come home he wont let me see them. He will take me to court for access to them. My children are my life and he would honestly have taken them from me. I can't go months without seeing my kids. So I had to go back. He's been acting strange since I got back, very calm and being really good with the kids. Do you think he's changed?

OP posts:

DeadButDelicious · 08/10/2017 19:14

In a word, no. He thinks he's won.

I don't know what to suggest to be honest but I would be livid with my parents and that would be the last time they saw me or my kids.

Hopefully someone will be along with a practical suggestion soon.

Desmondo2016 · 08/10/2017 19:20

I'm fucking livid with your parents . What complete fucking bellends. Can you just do it again? I know it's immensely painful and even more confusing for the kids now but you want out. You deserve a happy life.

Desmondo2016 · 08/10/2017 19:21

Oh and I would immediately be having nothing further to do with my parents. I'm literally seething.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 08/10/2017 19:24

Wonder are you the one with the gay stepson ? I always wondered if she finally got away.

onefortheroadplease · 08/10/2017 19:28

Oh no I’m sorry 😐

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 08/10/2017 19:32

Oh god I hadn't seen your update.

If I were you I would start a new threat about that - you will get good advice - there was one here very recently where the mother had to make an application to the courts to get her children back. It worked.

Youcanttaketheskyfromme · 08/10/2017 19:32

Thread*

chinam · 08/10/2017 19:33

Oh sweetheart I am so sorry. Your parents are a disgrace. There is nothing Christian about what they have done.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 08/10/2017 19:37

He hasn't changed. Let him think all is okay, then take the kids and go again. You csn do it. And your parents - well, they've shown you whose side they are on. They should not see your kids again.

Original poster

WonderRose · 08/10/2017 19:42

I hate them for what they have done. I was starting to be happy. My kids were happy. I found a new church. Now it's all messed up. I'm walking on eggshells wondering when he's going to punish me for leaving.

OP posts:

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