The Dating Thread Number 122: Colour By Numbers

[ConorMcGregorsChin]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

Thanks guys
Always appreciate the replys and honest opinions. Just needed a reality check . X

Been you won't know unless you ask, as long as your prepared that he might not message back or he might be in a relationship, you have nothing to lose.

Chat with Mr Mountain was a bit quieter last night, he didn't get my message on whatsapp until late, said he was at work then chat was a bit slow. I am now really over thinking everything. I'm not sure if I can really do this dating thing . My RL messaged me last night and asked me out on a date when he gets back from Europe, he's going through a messy split up and I know I would only be a FWB or rebound but he's really fit . Feeling a bit fed up this morning, I want to know what Mr Mountain is up too and what his intentions are but it's too soon to ask him. We haven't got a 3rd date set up as I'm working this weekend and he has a busy week.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt I would simply say contact him. You do ask you don't get. What the worse that can happen. If he says no then that a least puts your mind at ease and you can forget about him as a avenue. Personally I wouldn't bother with the stalking stuff just contact him and get it from the horses mouth.

The one thing I would say is if he say yes let's meet again make sure that his goals for you and him are comparable with yours. For example if your looking for an exclusive relationship with him this time ensure he is open to the same.

Been, what do you think might go wrong / what are you in two minds about?

• suppose rejection happens. Will that be a killer? are you in an ok place to handle that?
• suppose you get together. Are you worried that it will be different in your 2 heads - for you a "date with a view to a relationship" and for him "nice hook up lady having another hook up with me"? Is that the concern?

Are you prepared to be really honest, grit your teeth and deal with things not working out how you want? Because if the last messages were that lovely, can you send a really lovely message now saying.... I could see myself in a relationship with you, but if you don't, please just be honest?

Bant I agree with you. You can meet the right person at the wrong time.

One woman I dated for rejected me for a second date but I kept in touch with her for 6 years. She had 3 relationships during this time but when they all failed she came back to ask me out but I had moved on by then and just saw her as a friend.

Another woman I dated rejected me after a first date saying she wanted someone to open to her a lot more but later after 6 months came back but I had lost interest by then.

I dated someone from Match and I didn't see it going anywhere as she was far too quiet for me. She ended up deleting me from FB but then 6 months later I got a Merry Christmas text and we ended up speaking again and she added me back on FB.

I think a lot of the times people get lonely and try to get back in touch with someone they had a small connection with and hope things will develop from there or they dated around and out of all the dates they had you were one of the better ones.

Beenthere There is nothing wrong with trying to re-ignite a possible romance from starting again. A lot would have changed over 15 months. He still may be available or he may be with someone else. You don't know so you need to put yourself out there.

Can I ask what the reason was why you had seconds thoughts? Did something remind you of him?

Thanks everyone for your help here. God this is a tough one for me but I still can't figure out why as I tend to live by the 'if you don't ask you don't get' maxim. I think I'm feeling a bit unsettled at the moment for other RL reasons plus recent ex included that bloody "I WILL always love you" photo when he dropped off our holiday pics which has brought him back to the front of my brain. Grrr.

I won't be cyberstalking Mr TaiChi. I could spend hours misinterpreting photos and overthinking stuff I might find. He'll tell me straight IF (more likely WHEN) I message him.

I believe that too Bant you can definitely meet the right person at the wrong time; maybe I'm worried it's still the wrong time for me. I think Zippy has a point about people getting lonely and contacting someone. I'm not lonely per se but I could do with some RL support at the mo. Not friends or family but that special someone who just gets you and maybe that's what's driving my desire to contact him.

The messages really were that lovely Grinch and he's definitely a decent man. Under some extraordinary circumstances he is sole carer for one DC who is approaching 12 or 13 which also makes me hesitate somewhat. I adore my DSDs and we have a lovely relationship but they're all grown up now!

I think I'm going to wait because I don't feel I'm in the right place at the moment. I have no real appetite for OLD (but that can change overnight!) and recent ex is swimming in my head again and that's not a good place to kick off any conversation that could lead to rejection because I'm out of kilter so my reactions will be irrational. Thanks everyone, your points have really helped me think this through.

Zippy it's not second thoughts per se. Mr TaiChi was way too lovely for NSA (which is how we met) so continuing to see him on a no strings basis was untenable for me. I liked him waaay too much and he was ticking all of my boxes. When I messaged him to say I couldn't see him again I did say that he's too lovely for NSA and it would have ended up in a messy situation then his reply was similar. I didn't pick it back up at the time because I didn't want to end up in a quasi NSA / relationship thing where we'd have a date but then HAVE to have sex afterwards because that's how we started. I think that having old-fashioned dates could work now with the lapse of time. I could be wrong!

Wow, Been that all sounds like a lot of emotional stuff.
Dealing with the feelings about the ex first is right, isn't it? You have some stuff to work through there, maybe best done over wine with girlfriends, or with us. Is it one of those things where you know why it couldn't last and you don't want him back but GODDAMMIT YOU MISS MISS MISS him? Because if it's that, all you can do is allow the time (and have some shoulders to cry on, if it helps).

It's exactly that Grinch. Recent ex is a very damaged individual but utterly lovely, intelligent, handsome, erudite and so fucking sexy. The damaged part is too much for me to cope with and makes him unreachable. Plus he's an alcoholic. I can't do that. I've spent a lot of money on therapy to get over him and understand stuff so maybe I need to part with some more money! I thought I'd got there but because other parts of my life are stressful at the moment I think I'm missing him in a magnified way. Writing on here and everyone's replies has helped me think things through and see that. God it's good here, isn't it?

Love do you think Mr Mountain was on a date last night or really working? I hate that drop off in comms. It just makes you lurch doesn't it?

So my lunch/coffee date has messaged several times to let me know he’s stuck at work in a meeting. It’s been 20 mins. Normally I give 30 & then leave. I have trekked into town for this. How long would you give it?

Oh how frustrating Phoenix. Can you order yourself some food then if he doesn't show up you know you gave him a huge chance but you'll be fortified for some shopping (if you feel like it). I hope he's legit and makes it.

Bummer, Phoenix. Are you on a deadline? I don't know how long I would leave it. I waited 40 minutes for a boyfriend of the past to show up on a first date. It was a big mistake. I was young and foolish. He was a dick, particularly about time keeping. Do you believe him?

Beenthere, these damaged individuals are often so sexy. That's the trouble. I would love to know what is wrong with me that I don't ever quite so hot for well adjusted people. It would be so great if I could.

Hi everyone, not been posting much as crazy busy, but have been lurking and reading all your stories! I have a bit of a dilemma I thought I would run past you and see what your advice is, your collective advice has been so helpful in the last!

So I have had 7 dates with Mr Rock, he is soooooo lovely and I really like him. Texts every day, on and off and calls during the day. It's a small thing really, but he never texts or calls in the evening. Now, I am an old cynic and super cautious but alarm bells are ringing here, thinking is he actually separated from his wife?!! I know that probably sounds paranoid, but it's just something that is bugging me and I can't see to put it down!!! Any advice gratefully received!

Hi Draven. I'm a simple soul and I would probably ask. Maybe not directly at first, but I'd ask for a phone call in the evening - you can give a reason like "I'd really like to speak to you after x y z is out of the way" or something like that maybe? And proceed depending on how that goes. Eventually I can see myself saying "why do you never call me in the evenings?" doesn't promise an honest answer though.

Thank you *Anti, I don't know why I didn't think of that! Guess I didn't want to rock, what seems on the surface, to be a really lovely boat! It's funny how these thing pop up in your head and you can't let it go! Thanks again x

How strange Draven. Were your seven dates during the evening or at the weekend? I like to get round to their house quite quickly to ensure there's no sign of the feminine touch!

As Grinch suggested make an evening of your choice the only time you can make a call (suggest Facetiming then if he's in the garden you can see if the wife's peering through the kitchen window )! If he's been back to yours every time then tell him it's his turn to host you. You'll soon find out. If he's playing you and you start making life difficult he'll accuse you of being demanding, needy etc and make it all seem like your fault before he flounces off.

So update - he showed up after my last message. Def earned hi Mr Keen status lol. He was very attentive & complimentary and def grew on me over the time. Kiss goodbye have me butterflies but we’ll see. I think I prefer Mr Irish but he’s being slightly unavailable so time will tell.

Oh and second date set for Saturday.

Thank you *been. Dates have always been an evening or a weekend, mostly due to my child care issues. He lives with friends, so going back to his isn't really an option. To be honest, I don't really have any reason not to trust what he tells other than this. The other day he said he had told his ex about me, but of course I don't know if that's true! Thank you for your reply and advice!

Phoenix butterflies are very good! Glad he showed up.

A lover without snoggage is like cheese on toast without the cheese. Just wrong. How long have you been 'together'?

So Mr Keen is keen and on the rota for Saturday but you prefer Mr Irish for the moment. I can't remember but have you met Mr Irish yet?

I hate being so insecure. I'm taking myself off coffee because it isn't helping.

Been I'm not sure what Mr Mountain was doing, he did say that he was starting a new job this week, my what's app didn't actually go through to his phone until 7pm (when he says he got back), was only showing as a single grey tick so either he didn't have a signal or his phone was switched off? I wish I could stop over thinking , tbh he's not the most good looking bloke, he's quite a bit older than me so surely he hasn't got a queue of woman on POF waiting to date him? But then you never know (trying to think positive). He was messaging me until 8.30pm and then vanished again for half an hour, I ignored his next message but message this morning and he has sent me several messages. I was messaging Mr RL until late last nigh and accidentally agreed to a trip to the cinema as there's a film we both want to see but at some point I need to tell him that we will be going as friends as I don't want to be his rebound.

Looks like people are having some good dates, ice to hear instead of bad stories .

Coffee is one of my most favourite things in the whole wide world. I have little choice in terms of sex romance but I choose to keep coffee in my life!!