The Dating Thread Number 122: Colour By Numbers

[ConorMcGregorsChin]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

PS Love maybe wait until he shapes up on the DTD side as in less vanilla!! Let's face it you don't want to be lumbered with a dull sex life.

Copy and paste your profile into a word doc so IF you have to redo a profile it's just a copy and paste job.

Love I think it's too soon tbh. Just because you've dtd def doesn't mean you're exclusive. Give it a few more dates. Careful you're not over investing. I usually keep talking to other guys just to keep me distracted until I know where it's going. As we all know plenty of talk leads nowhere!

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt is have clearly go into this not know these rules. Never had any regard of rule 1. Often rule 1 works out by chance as I get to know them. Normally chatting about something interesting or deep and realise they have very little say or contribute and thus luckily rule 1 is met. My current FWB defienitaly breaks rule 1, she is actual good relationship material (and wants a relationship with me). I am a prolific offender of breaking rule 6. I love a good cuddle, kisses etc after dtd. I always stay the night and snoop. Also for those like my FWB who we go let's say darker realms of kink it can bring out some very strong emotions and feelings. Very intense. Lots of TLC and aftercare are all part of the come down and I can why natural bounding could occur when you are unleashing powerful emotions. I am also guilty of breaking rule 7 a bit. Mainly because I genrally do like and care for the people I have been with. I wouldn t want to FB, FWB or DTD with anyone I didn't have a like for. As I have said before I believe relationships can be a whole spectrum ranging from ons to marriage. But I now understand living to that ideal is way too complicated and messy.

AntiGrinch when it comes to FWB (who for me is a quite different thing from a fuck buddy) I see bounding as a too way thing. I suppose in a way it's complimentary to me but my FWB tend you bond well with me. As do I with them, the bonding happens to me too. The difference I think is that often when that bonding occurs they then contemplate moving it out of the no strings or FWB box and into the girlfriend/boyfriend box. However for me I don't see these neatly defined boxes and just see it maybe it's moved slightly in the spectrum.

Also I don't buy birthday/Christmas stuff for my FWB, the same as I wouldn t by for my mates. I guess this helps keep the boundaries of what a FWB is to me, a good friendship that includes lots of sex.

Also with the issue of a relationship that constantly fullfills and gives you sexual freedom have you considered a different relationship model? From my experiance on the swinging scene I have met a few lovely couples who are very happily in LTR. For many of them it's normally the wife with a huge appetite and the husband is very happy for the wife to explore and fill her boots. In a way it's lovely to see as husband who gets great joy out seeing the happiness of their spouse enjoying her self. It is in a way very unselfish. Clearly it's not everyone's cup of tea and you both need to be very physiologically open and free. But just a thought as to a possible solution to your dilemer.

Love the rules of engagement with old fasinate me. At what point do you declare a relationship and pull your self of the market? At what point does dating more that one person become cheating rather than product testing? I suspect the problem is it's slightly different for different people. I know it's something I may have to work out at some point soon. I don't think after a couple of dates there is any harm talking about rules of engagement in a light hearted not clingy manor. It's nice to be signing from the same song sheet to avoid hurt. Plus it's starting off on the right track of good communication and if you can talk openly with each other. I would just echo what MyUsername200 maybe just give it a date or two more.

In other news I am off for a coffee date with let's call her contract girl (the one I dated for 4 month pre contracted relationship before she moved away, she is now back). I like her and we bonded well. It will be interesting to see where the ground lays and if there is an option to explore the possibility of good old fashioned dating. So I better go and scrub up.

Thanks Been

I know dtd doesn't make us exclusive, it's more the fact he's planning ahead (quite far ahead). I have dtd with others and have stayed on POF but this time it just feels odd so I haven't been going on there. Also your right about waiting to see if thing improve in the bedroom department, I don't know if I can settle with Vanilla, I'm hoping it does improve .

Love I'd find the planning far ahead quite tricky after recent ex who had even suggested an amazing venue for our (totally unplanned) wedding next May!! I was really upset with the aftermath of his FWB revelation and he asked if I'd feel more secure being married . A cold chill ran through me I can tell you. I don't how to temper their future planning (which is so naive but endearing) without being a killjoy. One of my problems with planning too far is being committed to an expense already paid and an event that once seemed exciting but now feels like a ball and chain as I've realised how dull my companion is when he doesn't have an erection .

1Dad some interesting points there. I definitely couldn't do swinging. I hate sharing!

I'm really noodling on your point about not having neatly defined NSA/FWB/bf and gf boxes but seeing a spectrum within each category; I've never thought of that. I wonder if some women misread that slight spectrum shift in a man and think he's moved out of the FWB box into the relationship box? I do think men and women are hard wired differently when it comes to how we bond and I definitely need a defined box but I'm a bit like that in RL. My tombstone shall read "Been was always so black and white".

Love rather than an exclusive chat so early on could you plant the seed with a sexual health chat? Get his brain cells mulling stuff over. Hopefully he'll move from vanilla to tutti fruitti soon. I had pretty dull sex with recent ex the first couple of times then bam! I think it was helped by me saying that we needed to up our game in the bedroom to make it as fabulous as when we're not in bed.

Pavonia and Smeaton that's just it he's been very open and told me he divorced in 2016 and has dated since but nothing serious.....it's just weird because throughout the week he is constantly texting and then on the weekend nothing....I asked him what he got up to and he said that he took his youngest daughter away horseback riding and apologised for radio silence....could be true I suppose....he's asked me to see him in the City for drinks this week so I'll probe further.....

Been I think I will wait until our next date after I see if MB has improved ,I'm just going to stay away from POF so I don't know if he's online or not, I know from past expereance that if I say anything he will probably say 'well you must have been on there to see that I'm on there?'. He keeps talking about the future like 'maybe one day we could do xxxxxx' or 'one day I will take you to this amazing restaurant I know' etc..etc..., I don't suggest anything to him past our next date. Over all he seems more keen than I do (I a, holding back quite a bit as it's early days), I have had so many irons seem really keen and then just vanish so I am being extra careful not to over invest.

Need his weekend silence is very odd. My twat radar would be set to high as well. Have you got enough info to 192 him?

Need If I were him I would have mentioned that I would be away in advance, but then I suppose it depends on whether you message about what you are doing.

I would take it a date at a time and follow the standard advice not to overinvest.

If he is not hiding anything but is generally too busy or distracted at the weekend to send you the odd message then that's not great either really. Having said that, you've only met once and therefore owe each other nothing. If he becomes more consistent as you get to know each other better that will be a good sign. To be honest I find all this constant messaging of virtual strangers a bit odd.

Love if you both want to meet again after your next date then maybe you could say something about how its early days but you'd like to get to know him better and you aren't going to be looking for anyone else while you do that and you hope he feels the same? Followed up with "do we agree that we will both come off the dating sites or date other people for the time being?" Probably best done face to face to see his reaction!

By the way if you feel the need to check on whether he actually come off POF it is possible to set up a new anonymous account for searches.

that should say "come off the dating sites and don't date other people"!

Been I suppose the way I see relationships is like the way I see life. Complex and really fits neatly. The trouble is after two years of exploring blurred bounderies I have realised it's hard work too messy. So now I want to simplify life. To seek a good and steadfast relationship. But for me this is to find some who wants to jump into the same box as me rather than trying to make some fit the same box.

DATE UPDATE

coffee with contract was lovely. I forgot what a lovely woman she is. We talked for two hours and I also realised how many values we shared. The conversation flowed freely like old friends. There was no fire works or pationate kissing, I just played it cool. That suits me to take it easy I have a date on Thu with the girl of OKC let's call her roller as she is a roller derby player. Also having previously having a fling with contract she knows I'm a dark horse and knows what I'm like at kissing and in the bedroom so no need to worry about her thinking I'm a wet fish. So I am really a bit taken with contract. When we said our good buys and a simple hug as asked about dinner, she said yes. The big worry on my mind (no mind reader) is does she want to date me?

So what I propose is that when I ask her for dinner I use the term date, ask her if she wants to go on a proper date with me? You know the old fashioned way. Then I will get to know if she is intrested still in that way. Does that sound a good idea?

Rarely fits*

Hey guys
Been on a date with a guy about 3 weeks ago , he's not ready for a relationship, fair enough , says can we be mates as we get on ok .
Yes he's lovely , I would love more but he has made it clear his thoughts .
We are on kik , he's working the now , contact 24 /7 , chat , pics , videos . Confiding in me about his kids .

It's messing with my mind a bit , don't know how to handle it . Do I walk or stay and hope he changes his mind . Scared I get feelings , emotional connection .
He knows I'm on tinder , asks about any chat or possible dates . He has come off it for a bit . Help please X

LOO UPDATE: Mr Vegan. Lovely guy, no spark but having great chats about things we have in common.

1Dad that sounds lovely and I like the idea of you calling it a proper old fashioned date when you ask her. You'll know soon enough how she feels!

Mojito I'm quite tough with this sort of stuff. I feel he's stringing you along and will continue to do so. Don't do that 'we can be friends' shit - you don't want a friend. You want a boyfriend. Too often 'we can be friends' means I get to shag you when I can't find someone else'. MN is full of threads where relationships start like this and the man never changes and is half-arsed about moving in, finances, kids etc. The woman keeps hoping - ooh if I get pregnant he'll change, if we paint the kitchen green he'll change and so it goes on. Cut your losses now while it's relatively easy. If a man wants to be with you he will leave you in no doubt. I know that for sure. The way I see it he's got his big toe in your front door. He doesn't want to walk in but while he's standing there no-one else can walk in. You can't hope him into wanting to be with you. He's telling you who he is which sounds like a weak indecisive man or a player. Oh and you're on KIK which can be totally anonymous. Do you have any proper contact details for him? Phone number, email with his real name? Stuff like that. Sorry if that all sounds harsh.

Couch if he's not repulsive maybe he's a grower...

Buymeamojito he has said he doesn't want a relationship with you, I would suggest that you end the friendship and move on.

mojito - stop replying quickly,

Then tell him you're sorry you can't reply quickly but you've started seeing someone else.

Then start seeing someone else.

Because the chances are, he is too. Or will be as soon as he can. You're just a funny conversational interlude for the moment, because he's out hunting for something perfect.

Sorry, it's shit when this happens.

Couch Always nice when its a no, but not a waste of a night!

Mojito And its a pass from me. I agree with the others that he's playing with you. He's not your perfect guy because he doesn't want you. Def cut him loose.

So just had a chat with Mr Keen and he is very keen. So weird that I want a guy to make an effort and when one does I get a bit like "whoa slow down!" Lunch date tomorrow so will keep you posted.

Still hearing from Mr Irish but he's been at a funeral today (still heard from him) and he's back home for a long weekend on Thursday. Not feeling like he's making tons of effort but hey ho, we'll see. I always thought he'd be a slow burner.

I also saw my lover today (never have been good with the fb/fwb titles). It wasn't on par with our usual naughty play dates but I think thats because we're both quite stressed right now. He gave me an amazing massage (former massage therapist which is useful in a lover! Nice cuddle after though, but realised my main issue with it is that there's never any real kissing and I love kissing. There was a time where I really wanted more from him but thats def passed!

I could do with some advice please.

So last year I went hook-up hunting and spent 7 glorious hours with a very gorgeous man. We met up a month or so later for a drink followed by more dining then dancing. At that point I realised there was nothing I didn't like about him as I could really see us together. He ticked all relationship boxes but the timing was wrong for various RL reasons, there was a small overlap with recent ex plus I'm not convinced it's that straightforward to move from an explicitly agreed NSA set-up (as opposed to a chance one-night stand) to something more meaningful. I sent him a long message saying how lovely he was so I couldn't continue with an NSA arrangement and he replied a couple of days later with a very complimentary message saying that he was pretty sure he wasn't going anywhere and that he'd love to meet up with me even just platonically... so, ladies and gentlemen of the thread do I message him 15 months later to see if he's still single then work up to seeing whether we could go on an old-fashioned date? Or do I let sleeping dogs lie?

Been I’ve been in a similar situation in the past on both sides.** The question is how would you feel if he blanks you or if he’s in a relationship? Can you cyber stalk look him up & see if he’s single? (Or at least looks it!)

I was flattered to be contacted again to be honest, even though timing didn’t work, but I think it depends on how you’d feel as the contactee if you were rejected. I know sometimes it’s totally not a big deal and sometimes it can throw me.

Phoenix Thank you. No chance of cyber stalking as surnames were never exchanged! I have a mobile but I'm not on any social media... I don't even know the village he lives in. Maybe DSD can help me cyberstalk him using Facebook and his number!! I hadn't thought of that.

I'll call him Mr TaiChi. If he blanks me I'll be in the same position as I am now but without the wondering I guess. It's nice to know you were flattered and didn't think he was a nutter. We only exchanged one goodbye message each but they were incredibly lovely messages. I'm really in two minds which is so rare. I'm trying to figure out if I'm doing it for the right reasons or if me missing recent ex as much as I do is the driver. Recent ex is a real headfuck at the mo.

I'd say that sometimes you can meet the right person at the wrong time. It happened to me, where someone I'd dated and had a lot of chemistry with just backed out, for reasons of her own, and then a few months later got in touch.

I was seeing someone else but that didn't work out so I replied, and we ended up together for a couple of years. It's worth risking a slight loss of face.