This is all very interesting to me as someone who is rather quite experienced with burled boundaries since the end of my marriage. I find boundaries are quite hard to maintain unless you actively seek and steadfast for one kind of set up and the other people are too. It takes a real special mind set.
Over the past 2 years I have been on quite a journey. I have had involvement with FBs, FWB, one night stands, swingers parties/orgies, women in poly or swinger relationships where they meet alone with OH permission and a 4 monthish set exclusive relationship (an odd deal I know). What I have learnt is attachment is a funny thing. Not so much a problem with one night stands, one offs and parties. But defiantly when it comes to any kind of hook up where you meet more than once or do other activities out side the bedroom. I have always been very open, set clear about what I seek and that I am not exclusive. I am fairly good at compartmentalising my self. I have seen the idea of relationships as wide spectrum of different things rather than fixed single or fwb or serious long term relationships, at least in theory. The trouble is often things seem to change once you spend some real time with people and often is the case that they seem to fall more seriously for me and this is where it gets messy. On reflection maybe its the way I am? I am very chatty, open, caring and honest with everyone I meet. I don't see why this should be the reserve of a proper relationship pre se? But maybe this has been part of the problem with the lines being blurred. I cant do cold mechanical sex. If I have sex its very intimate, unselfish and whether gentle or rough or kinky its always caring and aftercare (kisses, cuddles, spooning etc) is always important to me (and enjoyable too). I generally think everyone should feel amazing and I find I get the same effort back. The more I speech to FBs, FWB, Swinger friends etc about other men I find that lots of other men in terms no committal relationships maybe wont kiss, wont give oral, wont give a massage, will be quite selfish and cold. Sometimes they can be very clinical, very sort of fuck and go. I run a bath once for someone and shaved her legs. Seemed a normal nice thing to do but to them but it was a total revelation to them, not ever had that done to them in a LTR. So maybe I'm the trouble? Maybe I am inadvertently breaking too many rules and causing unwanted attachment by the way I am? But that is me, I cant be cold and just have mechanical sex without any connection. If I could be like that I may as well buy a sex doll.
So to that end I have realised that the FWB, FBs thing is not working for me however perfect it may seem to suite my life on paper. I started the change my situation a few months ago. I now don't look for meeting new for no strings type things. I have maintained contact with a very local FB (non exclusive) and my FWB (also none exclusive). My FB is very interesting as she is truly the master of keeping a compartmentalised life. We share a very intense and intimate sex life. We know each other sexually very well and there is tons of trust (very much needed). We can have a great chat, a laugh and a drink together. But then after we have finished she can literally flick a switch in her head, move on with her life and not give me another thought. We don't chat outside of the bedroom unless its to arrange another session. My FWB however has grown outside of Its boundaries in terms that we have become better friends that anticipated. She is a good friend outside of the bedroom, we text most nights, we do dinner dates too and we are very connected in the bedroom. The trouble is I know she is not the one. That's why I wont take her away anywhere or introduce her to any friends/family, that really would break the boundaries. This is no secret as we are very open with each other. The trouble is she see me as the perfect boyfriend and LTR partner for her. So despite our original shared ground rules and honesty with each other at some point there will be some unavoidable heartache.
So what I learnt is maybe there is a reason maybe for the clear boundaries in society. For many FWBs maybe great and very practical but is paved with issues of attachment, unhappy endings and confusion. At the moment although I tend to blur boundaries I do have some barriers that I put up to avoid total attachment for my self, such as the holiday or friends and family thing. I feel I am at a place now were I don't want to put up any more walls or set boundaries. I want to let someone totally into my life, to go on holidays with them, to share all the important things in my life with. I want more that FWB and to in a way simplify my life by not worrying about boundaries and barriers. In a way liberate myself by allowing my self to totally fall into someone again. That why I am on here now and why I am being very picky and only looking for good relationship material.