The Dating Thread Number 122: Colour By Numbers

[ConorMcGregorsChin]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

I am vary awear of the problems with my FWB, my neighbour and (I forgot to add) my penpal who I see a couple times a year (lives a big distance away). I like to be very honest and open with everyone (likewise I hope everyone is the same back). For me it's big boy rules and I think we should all be grown up enough to handle the realities of life and the baggage that we have all aquiered over the years. I love that me and my FWB are very open. We know each other well know and have openly disgust how we both feel and know where the ground lies. There is not secrets between us. She likewise sees other people and we both met exploring the swinging scene. So we started off on a footing of openess. I some ways it sad because on paper we would work great as a couple but for me there is something missing, it just doesn't feel like she is the one for me in terms of taking things to another level. That is the reality of it. She knows 100% where I stand and I her. But we can't help our feelings so I know sadly there will be some hurt. But she did say to me that when it ends she'll still be glad to have enjoyed what we have enjoyed.

I get the too busy for relationships thing. In many ways that's me. But that why I am happy for a relationship with someone just as busy. I don't see why you can't have a deep and commited relationship with someone even if you don't see each a lot? When I was in the forces I was away from my ex wife a lot and upto 6 months away at a time. OKC girl is a busy single mum with a good career. She also plays for a sports team at weekends. So I know we'd be looking to see each other maybe less than once a week.

I am looking forward to seeing old flame again. We had a wonderful few months together. She has a lovely outlook on life, very kind, caring and absolutely stunning. I know she is a great catch in terms of long term relationships. And just being up the road is very handy. When we were seeing each other last we saw a lot of each other. For example I could pop round to see her on the way home from a night shift if my mum was watching the kids overnight for me. Logistics wise worked a treat. Because it was a sort of fix period relationship we both put up barriers to protect against attachment. This time we don't need to.

OKC defienitaly where my gut is really pointing too. Of course it's early days and we may have a first date and that be it. But we really seem to click on a level most don't with me on the chat. Plus we seem to share a lot in common as it turns out, even on a geek level. Plus she is not a girly girl, I have always been more intrested in tomboy types. And I know it's a bit shallow but she is very attractive too (of course attraction is subjective). So I really can't wait to meet her but in a way very nervous too as I am very taken by her

Couch - yes I think we are in a similar place in a way. I am not newly out of a relationship but I feel as if I am in many ways. It was a 13 year relationship that I really struggled to let go of even though it was blatantly a disaster and there is a lot of healing / rebound stuff associated with this, Im sure. Certainly jumping right into a new relationship is not the right thing and in some ways being attracted to a pretty unsuitable man is probably one of the ways that I am inflecting this... because he can't be a relationship.... so I am somehow safe.

So I was totally wrong about being put on ice by Mr Hot Sexting, who was just on his way home and getting his head together to text me about the weekend. I did go over to see him and he is more into me than ever.... more conversation, more sharing, more jokes. I find him a really interesting guy, he is very knowledgable about lots of things and very driven to find out more about things and really explore. I find his questioning very intense at times because I feel challenged and put on the spot to come up with opinions about things that he knows a lot about and I perceive this as a bit aggressive - but I am very nervous of how I come across, he is very humble and I think doesn't feel questioning is aggressive because he is more concerned about getting to know people / being known, than looking good.

We went for breakfast this morning and he organised, drove, ordered, paid (I offered to go halves after he had already paid, it was a bit awkward but I didn't feel able to leave it) and I just felt like I was being looked after for a change. Not just as opposed to being single - but as opposed to being single AND in my old relationship, where ex was such a drip in cafes. For a very controlling person (to me) he was shit at taking control to my advantage of anyone / anything else.

I have a 2nd date with Mr Mountain tomorrow, I'm going to his house, we are going for a walk along the coast and back to his for lunch moose burger maybe ,I am looking forward to it but not getting to excited, we have spoken every day since our first date, I'm not sure if he's relationship material or not, he seems lovely but he's probably just trying really hard to impress me.

Hi everyone - ooh 1dad come on in
So I kept going with tinder and it produced a lovely copper. Really want to meet him before we chat too long back in the game

How's everyone doing this morning? Any date reports from last night? I've had 3 different Irons ask me out for next week but... I really want to go out with Mr Irish & we haven't set a date yet. What would you guys do?

Not lurked for a while so maybe this has already been posted. Thought it was quite funny. My partner (since June) is not on social media!!! www.facebook.com/uniladmag/videos/3270501089639594/

2nd date with Mr Mountain, we decided to go for a walk (more of a hike), when we set off it was nice and dry, within ten minutes the weather changed, lots of rain, strong wind hair ruined, looked like I'd been dragged through a hedge ,plan was to walk to a pub for lunch, pub was about 5k away, weather got worse, my nose was running and my feet were wet, we got to the pub to discover they don't take card, neither of us had cash so we had to walk all the way back to his (so another 5k). So we didn't get lunch. I didn't have any spare clothes with me, was soaking wet so had to wear some of his clothes whilst mine dried. Chatted for a bit and ended up in bed. So after walking 10k and having mooseburger and skipping lunch I am pretty hungry and tired .

Not sure if it was the best date ever, I looked pretty bad after the walk, my hair was a total mess and I was covered in mud but he still found me attractive .

He seems pretty keen on a 3rd date.

Lovemusic33 at least your soul had a good feed. Its great to hear date 2 left you . Sounds great. I assume keenness for date 3 is mutual?

Sounds great to me Love. So do YOU want a third date and second helpings of moose?

In dating news I have none. RL is ramping up and I've had little time for cruising POF or much MN stuff. If I can't find time for POF how am I going to fit a man in? That said I could do with some moose carpaccio...

Well done Love! But yes, how do you feel about date 3?*
*
Moose carpaccio made me laugh Been!

I'm up for a 3rd date, just trying hard not to over invest, turns out we have a few friends in common too. Mooseburger was a bit vanilla but ok (I'm sure it would get better). He's quite hairy (chest and back) which I love . All seems to be going well but I probably won't see him for a week now as we both have busy weeks with work.

Ooh - I can't do hairy! My friend loves hairy hands. You know when the backs of men's hands are all hairy? She melts and I barf. You see, there's someone for everyone!

I think I should take bromide.

Isn't bromide what was used in the bad old days to suppress sex drive in prisoners? If I didn't have a sex drive I really would be so content...

As to how vanilla or not someone is a mystery. Are they on their best vanilla behaviour because they fear rejection, disgust or ridicule if they let their freak flag unfold? Are they just not comfortable exposing the inner workings of their desire as it is still early days. Have they always felt unable in previous experience to express them self sexually and this repression become default? Or are they just vanilla? And is so by who's standard vanilla. To some oral sex is way out there. I suppose that is the fun (or sometimes disappointment) of exploring a new person.

Personally I am very open sexually because my sexual desires are very much part and parcel of me. If someone is not ok with that then it would never work so I'm pretty open and never shy or reserved in the bedroom. But for some people they don't always fell empowered to express their desires. So he may just need a bit of patience to come out of his shell. Anyways early days, next time maybe a complete different kettle of fish.

But the your comfortable with each other, bonded with each other and the more you learn about each other the better it gets.

1DAD this is why at the moment vanilla doesn't bother me, we were obvious both a bit nervous, first times are always a bit awkward, we hadn't really talked about it before hand so he might have been too scared to try anything too adventurous. It was still very nice.

Been he has hairy hands, I complemented him on his hairiness (not sure if this made the situation awkward) , I love hair, the amount of times I have got a iron into bed and found they have shaved everything off and I have been very disappointed.

I'm finding I quite like a hairy chest now! Would have given you Been's reaction before!

But I need some advice. Date 4 today with MrMusic. He is lovely. We had a great talk about lots of things. He lowered his guard a bit and I could see a glimpse of the real thing. Not a problem with any of it but can possibly see where things have failed for him before. There is a huge amount of mutual attraction. HUGE! And we could easily have DTD today.
But I'm holding back. I had my fingers burnt before with a previous iron who I DTD with on date 2 never to be seen again. I don't want to risk that. And not sure I could deal the rejection either as we really connect. I wasn't really expecting to meet someone like this so early on.
I have quite an experienced friend who says wait at least a month (it's been 10 days!). I have talked about my feelings and he is happy to wait, I think!
But I'm just a bit nervous to fully DTD, although frankly we were one step away today! Anyone have any thoughts?
I've had the most lovely day but am now sitting here feeling a bit sad. Stupid I know

That's the main thing, you both enjoyed it. The real value is sharing a special and totally intimate moment with someone. I glad its going really well for you.

1Dad, is that in reply to me? We did both really enjoy it. It was a lovely day all round. I just wish I could go with the flow. To be fair he couldn't do anymore to make me feel he's really into me.
I think the thing I am freaking out a bit over is he told me today he has a really high sex drive, that's fine. Great! But that's the exact same thing the previous guy told me before disappearing. It felt a bit like, I've got a really high sex drive and all I want to do is DTD and move on. He probably didn't mean it like that at all

Purple I'm going to say don't overthink it (easier said than done, I know). Go at the pace you're comfortable with, or if that's too certain to pin down, that you're not uncomfortable with IFYSWIM - for me there is a difference between those two things. Do you feel rushed? If not then go for it! How many hours have you spent together? I think that speeds up the bonding too. From what you've said you've really stepped back from the temptation to go whoosh and rush headlong in and I'd still recommend being measured about future plans, joint purchases and moving in clothes (!) but if DTD feels like the natural and right next step then fill yer boots girl! Just keep your head afterwards and don't get gushy too soon!!

Purple I think you're over thinking it a tad. In my experience if a guy really wants moose burgers with you but that's it (as one guy said to me "I just want to experience you" ) then whether it's 2 dates or 5 dates, they'll stick around and then after you dtd they'll go. If they want to build something with you and you're compatible then thats what will happen whether you dtd on date 2 or date 5.

How would you feel if a guy said he wanted to wait 6+ dates before you dtd? It might be a double standard but I would feel like either they were hiding something (like they had a wife and they weren't entirely decided if they could fully cheat) or they weren't sure about me. If I'm not sure I can see a future with someone after 3 dates then it's highly unlikely that it's going anywhere - sex or no sex. It's not like if I'm not sure about someone as a person that sex is going to change my mind about them.

Have you talked about what you both want?

purple I always get a bit put off when a man tells me he has a high sex drive before we have dtd, I almost feel like I'm being pressured, I have ditched a few men after a 2nd date because of this comment. I have a very high sex drive but I don't feel the need to tell someone early on (probably not until we have dtd and for a while after). Mr Mountain hadn't even mentioned sex as such before today, we have had a few jokes but no real sex talk, even now he is being a gent and not saying too much other than 'he really enjoyed today' and 'can't wait to do it again'. I think first time with someone is always a little awkward unless you have had a bit to drink (to relax you), it's even harder if you have come out of a long term relationship. I could easily spend a whole day in bed with the right person .

Purple that is an odd comment and I wouldn't appreciate it. I have a high sex drive but only tell MN and its worldwide readers . I'd tell a guy after DTD but not before. They're always delighted!!

Either he's trying to impress you with his virility (!), guilt trip you into bed because you worked him up into a frenzy (remember when teenage boys whined about their balls going blue and aching to guilt you into it) or warn you that he's a player... so having told you not to overthink it now I'm kind of encouraging you to. Sorry!

Been 4 dates and 15 hours. Two were all day affairs.
Ironically I didn't feel rushed at the start of date 3 but I am now. This is possibly me overthinking it and putting up a barrier.
You made me laugh with the moving in clothes! If anything, he's the one who is gushy. Which is so entirely the opposite to my LTR. It's like it's polar opposites. I'm loving it but its taking some adjusting to.

Phoenix who think the same way as me. If someone just wants sex then they will disappear after however many dates.
And yes, I'd be pissed off if I was told that by a bloke. We have talked and he does know my reason. We've also talked about what we both want for the future. We fit, we fit really well. It scares the crap out of me!

Love and Been that was towards the end of our date today and it kinda was in context. But still threw me.

I'm a great one for over thinking. I'm trying to just enjoy it. We are meeting for coffee tomorrow so think I will have a frank discussion.

Is he rushing you or are you rushing yourself?

I also agree that the timing of when you have sex doesn't necessarily change the outcome of whether he sticks around or not but it can change how you feel in terms of being in control of emotions etc and what you then do when the oxytocin is flooding you can definitely influence whether he sticks around or not. A woman with oxytocin in full flow when he's still mulling you over can be a scary prospect! It just depends on how you're both wired.