The Dating Thread Number 122: Colour By Numbers

[ConorMcGregorsChin]

Dating thread rules:

1. The first rule about the dating thread is you don't talk about it with people you're dating.
2. Develop a thick skin.
3. Do not invest emotionally too soon.
4. It's all BS until it actually happens.
5. Trust your gut instinct.
6. People vanishing, lying & being generally weird is not your fault.
7. You are the prize - they should be trying to impress you.
8. If it's not fun, stop.
9. Loo update is mandatory.

10. No dating the thread.

OMG user read you update!! Please jog him on?! A rule in the pinned post - remember you're the prize!!!!

User wow! What right does he have to even ask that question!

Myuser I had a man say this to me too, I had been chatting to him for a few days and we were arranging to meet, he then spotted that I was online one evening and got all funny with me. I kind of laughed at him as I thought he was joking, I explained that we hadn't even met yet so why would I remove my profile.? He then wished me luck and said I wasn't the kind of person he wanted in his life . Weirdo.

Love but he must have been on there to notice you were!

And love, I'm the same as you. I don't have any overnight child care and at other times it's dodgy to say the least.
It's really hard. I don't want to introduce them to lots of randoms but my children are young and obviously a big part of my life for a long while yet. How a guy interacts with them is important I think.
Finding a balance is going to be tricky!

Purple that's what I said but he made up an excuse for being on there.

I think it depends on your kids purple mine both have ASD they don't really get relationships (or the eldest doesn't) and a lot of the time they wouldn't even notice if someone else was in the house. I agree that it is important to see how they get on with your children, for me it's important to see how they react to the fact my dd's have special needs, if I do introduce someone too them I tell the dd's that he is a friend. My dd's are a bit older (11 and 13) so I'm not looking for someone who's going to be a huge part of their lives but obviously they need to get on and be understanding that my dd's have autism.

Purple how old are your kids? I've been dating since DD was 2 & shes 8 now. When she was younger she met a couple dates early on precisely because of no child care & they'd come over after she was in bed and she'd inevitably get up but I made sure she never saw any of them in bed with me until they were a pretty regular thing. But I have a lot of male friends so having guys round isn't weird, it's the intimacy of it that is different.

Now she gets dating a bit more and she wants me to have a boyfriend I'm more cautious & I'd have to be more sure about our relationship before they stayed over.

It's a tough balancing act though. I've had two guys end things because they couldn't deal with life with a kid - especially mornings. (One there were other things going on too.) It's such a hard balance between you them not getting attached early or seeing a revolving door of dates and being able to make sure they fit into your life as a whole.

Thanks Purple and Phoenix. My kids are 5 and 7. For their purposes I'm not that long out of the relationship with their dad.
I certainly wouldn't rush into anything and want to make sure, double check and triple checking.
And I'm not over investing in my current iron by having these thoughts, oh no no no!

ok I haven't updated for a while so here is how I'm fixed:

friendly young guy I have dated twice is still in touch and still seems to be in the picture as a fwb, if I want him to be;

Very friendly even younger guy is still messaging every day but we can't seem to get it together to actually meet. Admittedly I haven't been trying as hard to find a time that works as I was a little while ago because -

Insanely hot sexting man is very much in the picture and we have finally met and had hot dinner then dancing.

Insanely hot sexting man asked me if I was seeing anyone else. I think he would like to ask to be exclusive but is shy / bad at communicating / not sure about rushing into anything. He's the one I was thinking about asking about STD checks, which I agree can only really be a viable conversation in a context of more general trust and honestly and exclusivity. I think that might happen

I am worried I'm too into him though. I think about him so much. Part of me just wants to stick with the friendly guy who doesn't stir me up so much but seems generally healthier. I think that might be sensible but not really fair - I mean it might be sensible to step away from insanely hot sexting guy but pulling another one in just to distract me a bit seems mean. Or am I being over scrupulous?

AntiGrinch there is nothing wrong with keeping in touch with both. You just don't know whether insanely hot sexting man might suddenly ghost you. Its not like you've promised anyone anything.

Its hard to motivate yourself to keep all the balls in the air when you are really into one iron though. That's where I've gone wrong in the past where I've been too over-confident and I can't motivate myself at the moment to chat to anyone except Mr Wig. We have now progressed to daily phone calls as well as messaging whenever we can. I hope I'm not going to be gutted if it all goes pear-shaped. At least it shows there is hope. If there's one man out there like him there must be more!

I'm having a little vulnerable moment. Mr Irish is so nice and normal and all I can think about is how he'll probably ghost me at any moment. I hate that this is my default setting now & I can't just enjoy the moment but I'm too worried about over investing.

Anti What would you gain by ditching hot sexting guy? Right now I think you're in a strong position and my experience is multiple people naturally work themselves out sometimes overnight

Ruby Totally know how you feel and your last line is spot on. They do exist. Somewhere!

Sorry you're feeling vulnerable Phoenix.

It's not that I want to ditch hot sexting guy because I feel like there are too many irons; it's more that this one in particular feels emotionally dangerous. I feel like .... you know some people with food intolerances say they are drawn to the bad foods? I have this with bad (for me) men

Ahhh Anti I get that now. (And have so been there.) How are you with boundaries? Like not investing in him emotionally (unless thats too late!) and just enjoying him physically? I have a Lover like that - we've been on and off for 3 years and I know that there are times when I'm just not in a strong enough place to not mix sex and emotions so I avoid him but when I do feel strong and like I can protect my emotions then it's game on for a smorgasbord of dinner and dancing!

Phoenix - what I would like to do is exactly what you suggest, I think, but I can feel my emotions getting out of control, so I am not sure if I can

shit shit shit. I feel like I may be being ... too soon to say ghosted? but I feel a definite waning of interest from hot sexting man

ok, it's the end of the week and he'd tired and he doesn't know that this is my only childfree evening of the weekend.... but he would have known if we had talked

I don't know why but I am definitely feeling... put at least a little on ice.

What makes you think that Anti?

Evening all...

Pheonix - gah sorry you're feelking vulnerable. It's all so precarious this OLD... exercise some self-protection... try to resist the urge to instigate texting for a wee while.

Anti - arrrrgh I sympathise! Am in a similar situation with Mr HNL. What you said about him not realising it's your only child free evening... it sounds like you're expecting him to know things about you. This is what I'm doing with Mr HNL... wondering why he doesn't ask me more about my day or what I'm up to. Sorry if you've already said this, what have you told him you're looking for? Have you discussed how it's a FWB type thing or said you want more? And what has he said he's looking for?

I've been clear with Mr HNL that I just want a short-term thing but now stupid emotions getting mixed into things I'm getting confused. Thing is I don't actually want a relationship (only 6 weeks out of a 13 year marriage!), but think I can't make my peace with the fact that I'm acting quite slutty at the moment! On the one hand it's ace lewd gestures on the other I feel very vulnerable. Anti - sorry this is half-arsed advice... I'm stuck in an extremely similar situation. Maybe we can just support eachother??!!

Also just to add.... I'm on GSM... but the only blokes that seem to send me a like lately are significantly older. And they are all looking for younger women. Double standards! Am annoyed how my self-esteem is becoming tied into OLD... and how addictive it is

Have 'ended' things with MrTeacher after the odd question yesterday. Not that we had a thing going on but I felt it too big a red flag to continue.
I do have a potential new iron in the works, he replied to my initial message on POF and we've been sending messages most of the evening. He's hinted at going out for a drink too. Looking good at the moment.

Quick update - I am going on my 4th date later with date number 2 ( I'm going to call him Mr Tall). He has been away for a week, he text daily and came to see me as soon as he got home. He is really nice but I definitely feel the text chat is better than real life. His texts really make me smile so I'm going to see how it goes.

Last Saturday I went for lunch with date 3. I had tentatively arranged to meet for lunch today. I think we both felt obliged and conversations between us have naturally ended.

At the same time I started texting Mr Tall I also engaged it lots of texting with Mr Medical. We have not met but have agreed to coffee on Sunday morning.

I hope you all have a good weekend.

Date number one with an iron that I’ll call Mr Samename (he has the same name as my ex lol). I’ve really got into the lot over investing but kid of feel I’ve not with him. We’ve messaged loads all week and had a phone chat which I don’t normally do. After the last few weeks disastrous dates I’m hoping this will be a good one. The one I went on last week had told me he had four children, met him and this number went up to six and then he announced the youngest was only four months old. Needless to say I cut that date short lol xx

Hello Everyone. I have started the dating game for I suppose this is my itroduction.

Past:

Was married. I am now single parent with to two kids (2 and 6).

Pressent:

Divorce. I have had a great time being single and exploring. I have pushed a fair few boundries and had some very intresting adventures. Over the path of this period I have been left with a good FWB and a neighbour who I enjoy recreational sex with. My FWB is not the answer because we get on really well and are now very sexually connected and tune to each other. We have a good friendship and equal kinks and sex drive but I just can't see my self spending my life with her. I think to do things like traveling with her would blur the boundaries too much. We are very open and honest and although she would like a relationship that was not the basis at the start and is something I don't want. In many ways it works well for me especially being a working single parent.

Future:

The trouble is I have come to realise I want something more than just FWB. There is so much I want to share. I want to let someone into my life. Someone who I can go off traveling with. Someone i can share with friends and family. Something more connected and deeper. So I have started OLD in the relationship category.

So at the moment the OLD is going really well and surprisingly a lot of interest and some really nice feedback on my profile. Its nice the amout of people who have asked why am i still single. Anyway I have two really strong irons. The first I met on OKC and the other a sort of old flame that popped on the scene. The OKC on is in the next city. The OLD flame is just down the road from me. The OLD flame was strange set up. We had a sort of proper relationship but on a sort of agreed 4 month contract as she was moving to the other side of the country. So it had a set sell by date so to speak, but it was a great few months. Anyway she has now come back and is staying. So I have coffee date next week with old flame in the day time. The OKC girl is so switched onto my honour that is refreshing. She is very sharp intellectually and so a tune to my dry and dark sense of humour (without having to use emojis and LOLs she just gets it). I am very much looking forward to meeting her in the real world. We have an evening date next week and she is traveling the 30 miles to me so I think that shows willing on her behalf. So 2 dates lined up next week.

1dad re your FWB - i have just ended similar, as I found I wanted a relationship with mine - he didn't. It hurts. Be careful with yours! anyway you have promising irons, and I hope you are wise enough not to string your FWB along. You sound decent enough and I hope I'm not speaking out of turn

Hi 1Dad - I agree with Anne, be careful. It can get messy very quickly in that situation.

I'm beginning to think Mr Irish might be too busy to date. He has a very packed social life & a lot going on. He suggested we have a second date next week while on our first but hasn't actually set a date iykwim. I'll need to sort child care so is it fair for me to casually ask/mention that in a chat? He's messaging me constantly so I know he's still interested. I know I tend to rush into things so I'm trying to keep that in mind but I hate not knowing what's going on & as a single parent I can't just slip out whenever!

1Dad just to add something about your FWB neighbour. When you do get into a relationship (not early dating!) and if you're talking about ex-partners do be honest about your FWB neighbour having featured. Despite not having had a big conversation about exes my recent ex really wanted to show me how reassuring he was so made a big deal of telling me he was deleting all FWB and ex contact details (I really hadn't asked for this!). Anyway he kept one FWB in there - his boss! Not exactly avoidable in terms of seeing her but totally avoidable as a lie by omission. He told me three months later. I was devastated about the lie, the fact that he'd volunteered this grand gesture of deleting contacts that turned out to be a smoke screen really and then to add insult to injury he tried to argue that he was defending her right to privacy . I never got over the lie by omission to be honest as I won't tolerate any lying or smoke screening.

I know if I had a relationship with someone who had being shagging the neighbour I'd want to know due to her proximity. There are a lot of people on MN who think this is a terrible attitude to have and it's none of my business who my beau has fucked but I feel strongly about this sort of stuff. Also the one person who can be utterly detrimental to a relationship is a spurned FWB who wanted more and then has to watch the relationship she wanted with you unfold right next door. All I'm saying is tread carefully and utterly scrupulously on this one iF the topic comes up when you're serious about someone.

On that note of gloom your dating progress sounds like great fun!