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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Has anyone got over domestic violence

164 replies

HopeontheHorizon · 12/09/2017 13:16

My ex was violent towards me last night. Badly. I haven't reported it and I don't know why.

I haven't slept and still feel like I'm in shock. I'm at work today and it is especially hard. My kids were asleep when it happened. I told ex there is no way I will have him at my home now. I don't know whether I want to cry or not at the minute, my head is all over. I have reached the end of my tether and today I did something I have never done before. I messaged exes brother to tell him what he had done and could he ask ex to stay away from me or I will report him.

I am all over the place mentally and quite sore as well as tired. How do I get over this? I have children so am tied to him. He uses the garage to receive deliveries for work. The deliveries are huge and need to be kept safe. I have told him he can no longer use this garage, I want him to stay away. I even went as far to email his area manager today and tell him the ex can't use the garage anymore as I don't want him near me or my home and can they make alternative arrangements. Ex text me today to say if he can't take the deliveries for work he will hand his notice in and I won't receive any child maintenance from him.

I replied with Tough. It was only last night he hit me with his iPad and cut my arm, threatened to smack my bass guitar and its stand over my head, threw me on my bed and tried to choke me whilst pressing his hand into my nose.

Wtf do I do? I feel like something is keeping me from reporting it to the police like the kids. I have told his brother as no one knows this has been going on. We've been separated about a month now and I stupidly thought we could be friends, I made him dinner last night after work and everything and he's goes and physically hurts me cos he can't control his temper 😢 I have bruises and a cut which I've managed to cover for work. What the hell??

OP posts:
Dragongirl10 · 13/09/2017 22:48

Oh op l am so sorry....if someone did that to me even if he was the father to my childern...I.WOULD.KILL.HIM

maybe not literally but l would destroy him in every other way...

Get mad,really mad and stay that way until you have got him as far out of your life as possible, report him for EVERY misdemeaner, EVERY time, to the police, log everything. He is not fit to be a father so forget that concern , protect your Dcs from him in any way possible.

Let the whole world know what he has done...if as women we keep covering for these men how will they get stopped or seen by everyone for what they really are?

You deserve so much better.

NameWithChange · 14/09/2017 02:09

Hi Op, how are things? I missed yesterday sorry. So well done for calling the police.

HopeontheHorizon · 14/09/2017 06:17

The police turned up about midnight, I was in bed by this point. Told them what happened, they will speak to him. I'm so tired.

OP posts:
NewDaddie · 14/09/2017 06:34

SadFlowers hope things get better for you soon.

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 14/09/2017 07:03

Morning Hope. Great that the police came, and fantastic that you told them everything. Take care of yourself today - one day at a time. See if you can rest. Have you got anyone you can talk to in RL? You're doing brilliantly Flowers

HopeontheHorizon · 14/09/2017 07:52

I could seriously get him in trouble. Even though it's the right thing it doesn't feel that way. I don't want him to lose his job or get a conviction or anything. I just want him to stay away.

OP posts:
becotide · 14/09/2017 08:01

You need to talk to the police and log this, let them go and speak to him.

I understand you don't want him to be sad, but would you rather live like this? A rabbit in a hole, waiting for him to come back?

Love, he CHOSE you because you are gentle and kind and forgiving. He knew that he's be able to use that against you when he behaved badly and didn't want the consequences.

But if he doesn't feel the consequences for his behaviour, you are going to and your kids are going to. Without that official record of his behaviour, there is no proof that he has ever hurt anyone, and this means that should you die, he will be rasing those children alone and unsupervised. With a record of violence, officialdom will think twice about leave them with him and would look at alternatives like your family.

he's earned that record and you should no more keep it from him than you should keep someones wages

AdalindSchade · 14/09/2017 08:01

He's not going to stay away though. Some men never stay away, unless they are forced to. The only way you can make him stay away is by using the police to build a case against him.
Believe me, I have worked with dozens of women who bitterly regret not getting that evidence back when these incidents happened because when it escalated they had absolutely no recourse and no protection. He's not going to magically stop and leave you alone.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/09/2017 09:29

I could seriously get him in trouble
No no no - he's got HIMSELF into serious trouble.
He cannot go around beating people up.
If someone had done this to you in the street, a stranger, what would you do???
So he's done this is your home. Your safe place.
You know what to do.
You will never be rid of him unless you report his abuse and violence.

JWrecks · 14/09/2017 10:30

You are doing wonderfully. I know that was horrible to deal with, but you did everything right. Good on you not letting him in, and good on you ringing the police. I know how difficult it is, how frightening it is, how guilty you feel, how confusing that is... I know it's a total nightmare, but you've got this.

Have you filed an official report with the police yet? If you haven't yet, then when they finally do turn up, please tell them everything you've told us. It's definitely not too late, and they will let you choose whether or not to press any charges. You need his behaviour to be on file, though, so that if he keeps this up there will be a solid record, and they'll know they can't take their sweet time getting round again. Allow them to take photos of that nasty slice up your arm (it looks awful love I'm so sorry!), any bruises you have, and any items he may have broken as well. Tell them what happened the first night, AND what happened when you called them to come over. They will let you decide what to do next, and they will have information and advice for you.

You never know what he could do, or to whom, and he may get even angrier and more dangerous now he knows you're serious about splitting. Even if he has no reason to, he may well turn up again, and the fact he didn't turn tail immediately when the police were coming tells me he's not terribly bothered about them. You must protect yourself.

If he turns back up, ring 999 rather than 101. They already know about him now you've rang them, so they may be more understanding next time and hopefully quicker. And don't speak to him at all. Don't even tell him to go away, don't tell him he can come later, don't tell him ANYTHING. Keep the doors locked, and ring the police to come round immediately. If you think of it, try to record him if he's out there shouting or banging on the door or windows.

Also, don't answer if he rings, and don't reply to any texts or emails. Keep a log of his contacts - at least do not delete any of them - so that if he starts harassing you that way, you will have all the evidence, and the police can act on it. If he starts to contact your family or friends, make sure that they do not delete his contacts, and make sure they let you know about it.

It may be a good idea for your parents to record their interaction with him, when he goes round theirs to pick up his things, as well. He could act out, threaten them, tell them plans he has to contact you... who knows. If it's not too late, you may want to tell them to do that.

Hopefully none of this will be necessary! He may well take the hint and go away for good and all. He very well may get his things and never contact you again, and I genuinely pray that's what happens. But I wanted to get it all down just in case, because you never know about a man who could hurt a woman. You just never know. :(

Keep strong. You really are doing wonderfully! And remember, we are here for you if ever you need us. Loads of us have been through this ourselves. There is nothing you can't say, nothing you can't ask. This is your thread to vent or say or ask whatever you need to!

Flowers

(sorry this is so long! i hope some of it is helpful!)

JWrecks · 14/09/2017 10:53

Oops, and of course I missed your latest update. Sorry for the double post. :(

The police sure took their time! I'm so sorry!

But that's one reason it is VITAL you file an official report - so that the police know to take your request very seriously and respond to you immediately.

You cannot trust that he will go away. You never know what the kind of man who could do that to you is capable of! Therefore, you must put your safety and the safety of your children first.

Please, do file a report. It's not the same as pressing charges (and they will not force you to press charges), and a report alone will not necessarily lead to his arrest or get him into any trouble. It will, however, give the police a file to refer to and a way to know that your situation could be an emergency. Without a report, they really have no way to know they must be vigilant.

And anyway, as @hellsbells already said, it's HIM getting HIMSELF into trouble!! You've done nothing wrong!

HopeontheHorizon · 14/09/2017 10:54

I don't think he will be back round to mine now. He knows all contact re kids is to be done via my parents and were all settled on this. I feel awful, I don't want him to be convicted of anything. Just want him to know I don't want him around and he's not to turn up bawling and shouting. But now he has his stuff I think it's unlikely that he will do that anymore. He only comes round for a reason, he certainly doesn't want to stay with me nor I him.

OP posts:
Walkingdead11 · 14/09/2017 12:31

What about the kids OP? How are you going to protect them from his abuse??

Footle · 14/09/2017 14:33

If the kids talk about this to anyone else you may find yourself under great pressure from SS to protect them.

becotide · 14/09/2017 16:30

She has protected them, footle. She's thrown home out.

Gahhh, why is the pressure always on the abused partner to "Ohh you MUST protect the children!" Why don't the social service go round and see ex girlfriend batterers and shout at THEM?

Footle · 14/09/2017 16:51

Becotide 8.01 this morning :
"a rabbit in a hole waiting for him to come back".

BoneyBackJefferson · 14/09/2017 17:53

HopeontheHorizon

It may be worth thinking of a non mol order

www.ncdv.org.uk/are-you-suffering-domestic-abuse/how-the-law-can-protect-you/

bluejelly · 14/09/2017 21:49

How are you doing Hope? Hope you're ok.

HopeontheHorizon · 15/09/2017 07:41

I'm ok. Went to bed really early and it's not made any difference. Still as tired as yesterday

OP posts:
bluejelly · 15/09/2017 07:48

I think sometimes when you've been through a big mental and physical shock your body reacts by kind of shutting down and trying to get you to just stay in bed.
Have you heard any more from the police?

HopeontheHorizon · 15/09/2017 08:15

Just that they will be investigating the matter and will let me know what the outcome is when they've questioned ex.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 15/09/2017 08:18

That sounds good. Do you have to go to work today or are you able to rest at home?

HopeontheHorizon · 15/09/2017 09:53

At work. Got loads to do, I just want my bed. It's like a bad dream.

OP posts:
bluejelly · 15/09/2017 20:17

Hope your day went quickly and you're now relaxing in bed

becotide · 16/09/2017 17:27

Hope, how's it going?

It's normal to feel shell shocked

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