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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Has anyone got over domestic violence

164 replies

HopeontheHorizon · 12/09/2017 13:16

My ex was violent towards me last night. Badly. I haven't reported it and I don't know why.

I haven't slept and still feel like I'm in shock. I'm at work today and it is especially hard. My kids were asleep when it happened. I told ex there is no way I will have him at my home now. I don't know whether I want to cry or not at the minute, my head is all over. I have reached the end of my tether and today I did something I have never done before. I messaged exes brother to tell him what he had done and could he ask ex to stay away from me or I will report him.

I am all over the place mentally and quite sore as well as tired. How do I get over this? I have children so am tied to him. He uses the garage to receive deliveries for work. The deliveries are huge and need to be kept safe. I have told him he can no longer use this garage, I want him to stay away. I even went as far to email his area manager today and tell him the ex can't use the garage anymore as I don't want him near me or my home and can they make alternative arrangements. Ex text me today to say if he can't take the deliveries for work he will hand his notice in and I won't receive any child maintenance from him.

I replied with Tough. It was only last night he hit me with his iPad and cut my arm, threatened to smack my bass guitar and its stand over my head, threw me on my bed and tried to choke me whilst pressing his hand into my nose.

Wtf do I do? I feel like something is keeping me from reporting it to the police like the kids. I have told his brother as no one knows this has been going on. We've been separated about a month now and I stupidly thought we could be friends, I made him dinner last night after work and everything and he's goes and physically hurts me cos he can't control his temper 😢 I have bruises and a cut which I've managed to cover for work. What the hell??

OP posts:
GrumpyOldMare · 13/09/2017 19:32

I've been in your situation myself. Mine also strangled me so I nearly passed out.
You need to report him. Now. Don't let him in the house at all. Have you got a chain on the front door? If so use it.
He might lose his job? Tough. His fault not yours.
You need to think of you. Next time could possibly be a lot worse. Ring the police.....please.

DontMentionTheWar · 13/09/2017 19:36

You need to protect your children. I don't understand why you are considering your ex, his mum, Uncle Tom Cobley and all. This prick could have KILLED you and then got custody of your children. You still seem to want him to have some sort of Damascene conversion - are you still in love with him and hoping he'll change? He won't.

Original poster
HopeontheHorizon · 13/09/2017 19:44

I've reported it to the police. He's not been back but I've told them he said he would be but he's probably bluffing - police officer should hopefully be with me this evening. My kids are both still wide awake in bed.

Thanks for the handhold, I'm shaking. Gonna make a cup of tea and sit down. I can't believe it's come to this

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 13/09/2017 19:53

So pleased you have reported it.

If you need legal representation in the next 6 months you absolutely need to have a police record of his violence. You may need a non molestation order or a restraining order to stop him coming round to the house whenever he fancies and it's essential that you have a record otherwise you won't be able to do anything.

Original poster
HopeontheHorizon · 13/09/2017 19:56

Thanks. I hope they turn up soon, I feel so ill I just want to go to bed. They say they won't speak to him unless I ask them to and they won't press charges if i don't want them to. I just want it logged as I never know when he's going to turn up

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 13/09/2017 19:57

Well done for reporting it. I reported my ex for sexual assault last Christmas, the police were amazing and very understanding. My dc's knew something was going on ( not his dc's ) but I didn't tell them any details. A officer did question my eldest dc as my ex had been verbally abusive towards her the day before I kicked him out. I had to make a number of statements as he kept harassing me he was then re arrested and charged with harassment and found guilty ( injunction put in place ). I can't say it was easy and I can't say I am over it but things are getting better. I know several women who have survived and moved on from dv.

You have done the right thing, he doesn't deserve to get away with it and you deserve to feel safe in your home without the fear of him coming back.

The police will take a statement from you, they will probably take photos of your injuries and any items used (the iPad), hopefully then he will be taken in for questioning, the police don't take kindly to DV so they may chuck him in a cell for a night before questioning ( they did with my ex ).

Make note of any contact he makes with you, keep texts, emails etc...

First thing I did was to change the locks and then remove all his belongings from the house so he had no reason to come back ( police advised me to do this ). I was advised to go to a refuge but I refused as I didn't want to upset the dc's anymore.

I hope everything goes ok with the police. You will recover from this xx

EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 13/09/2017 20:03

Well done for reporting this. It's a big first step and you've taken it. You are standing up for yourself and protecting your kids and it's absolutely the right thing.

Tell the police the absolute truth. They will know how to respond. And if he does come back while you're waiting, call 999 without hesitation.

NewDaddie · 13/09/2017 20:09

Flowers you did the right thing. For everyone even him. He needs professional intervention before he has any hope of becoming a decent father to your children.

Original poster
HopeontheHorizon · 13/09/2017 20:10

He did come back. He was banging on my door, my window, shouting through my letter box that he wants his stuff back. I said I would drop it round to my mums and he can pick it up in the morning.

"I need it for work, why you being like this, you're just being fucking awkward on purpose". I told him the police will be on their way soon and shut the door. I got my mum on the phone and told her what he was doing. He eventually gave up and left

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 13/09/2017 20:14

Please don't just 'log' this. That won't help you at all. He needs to be arrested and charged. Please support a prosecution and give a statement.

LemonBreeland · 13/09/2017 20:20

Please please press charges when the police come. You are in danger! I know you are scared but he isn't going to start acging like a normal human being because he isn't one. The only way he may realise the seriousness of what he has done is to be charged and convicted of what he has done to you.

Hepzibar · 13/09/2017 20:29

The police don't need the victims permission to arrest the perp. Their role is to investigate and if there are grounds charge and inform CPS.

Original poster
HopeontheHorizon · 13/09/2017 20:32

I'm still waiting for the police to turn up. I feel awful, I just want to go to sleep. My mum rang me and said to gather up exes belongings and my dad will pick it up later this evening so I've done that. Still waiting for police to arrive Sad

OP posts:
EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 13/09/2017 20:37

Please call 999 and tell them what's happened. It's not different police, it just ups the urgency of your call. I know it feels like a nuclear option and you're probably not used to taking your own needs seriously. But he has seriously assaulted you, and continues to make threats. You are at risk. This is what the police are for. Please do report this now, you and your children deserve better.

becotide · 13/09/2017 20:42

you are being incredibly strong. You will look back on this part of your life as the bit of the nightmare that wakes you up.

Hidingtonothing · 13/09/2017 20:44

Do me one favour Hope, let the police advise you about whether to press charges or not. I can understand why your instinct is just to log it and that would be fine if he was likely to start behaving like a normal, decent human being, but he's not. His behaviour will more than likely escalate and you will end up ^having^ to take it further to make him stop anyway.

If you press charges now he will be arrested, questioned and then probably released with bail conditions to stay away from you and your address. The police will then try to build a case against him and present that case to the CPS who will decide whether there's enough evidence to charge him. At that point you can think about applying for a non molestation order which would replace his bail conditions to prevent him coming near you. Point is you would have protection, he would know that he risks going to prison if he doesn't leave you alone and he needs that threat hanging over him. Please think about it, I suspect the police will tell you the same.

becotide · 13/09/2017 20:45

Men who do this to their wives also go on to do it to their children. If he comes backld again (which he will if he has a few drinks), 999 and ask for police immediately because your life is at risk.

because it is. Your life is not worth less than one night's sleep for your children. he's going to wake them up banging anyway - kids know monsters are real, let them see that the monster can be stopped

Original poster
HopeontheHorizon · 13/09/2017 20:46

Thanks becotide, it feels like a nightmare. It doesn't seem like my life because it not something I envisaged happening. He was full of red flags when we met, more that he was emotionally stunted and lacked decency but I ignored it all and it's caused nothing but misery.

I'm a very upbeat person, it's weird that this is part of my life right now

OP posts:
Hidingtonothing · 13/09/2017 20:46

Would you feel better for having someone to talk to while you wait Hope? Would now be a good time to try Women's Aid again?

becotide · 13/09/2017 20:51

hope, honestly you are me 10 years ago. Emotionally manipulative eternal victim who alternately made me feel guilty and sorry for him and tried to beat me into submission. he strangled me once but I didn't make him leave because I was pregnant - how's that for messed up reasoning? What pushed me over the edge was seeing my nearly 4 year old screaming with his hands over his ears as he watched daddy throwing things at mummy. I called the police and the police took him away. They stopped him and they will stop your abuser too. He CAN be stopped.

I know that as soon as he is dealt with by the police, a weight will lift off your shoulders. You will be so much freer and you will feel 10 years younger. I'm 37 now and I feel younger than I did at 25 because I don't live with a violent, irresponsible twat. I'm free and you can be too

Starlight2345 · 13/09/2017 21:11

Can I say as someone who ended up in a refuge...so have been there.

Your posts are full of how everything affects everyone else.. The only people you need to consider in this is protecting yourself and your children.

The Maintenance will not be even relevant if he strangles you and you don't make it.

Original poster
HopeontheHorizon · 13/09/2017 21:20

Well they still haven't turned up yet so I'm gonna head off to bed. They will probably turn up as I'm nodding off. Thanks for the support. I will update if anything happens.

OP posts:
AdalindSchade · 13/09/2017 21:24

If he comes back please just call 999

Original poster
HopeontheHorizon · 13/09/2017 21:32

I will do if he comes back again. He has no real reason to now though.

OP posts:
BlackeyedSusan · 13/09/2017 22:35

ah darling, it really messes with your head when they attack you. it will take a few days to get back on an even keel enough to finction. do easy stuff for the kids teas be kind to yourself.

making decisions at themoment will be hard, you will start to minimise it as your brain is trying to protect you.. I can see the minimising in your posts. (been there done that)

well done for reporting to the police.

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