Has anyone got over domestic violence

[HopeontheHorizon]

My ex was violent towards me last night. Badly. I haven't reported it and I don't know why.

I haven't slept and still feel like I'm in shock. I'm at work today and it is especially hard. My kids were asleep when it happened. I told ex there is no way I will have him at my home now. I don't know whether I want to cry or not at the minute, my head is all over. I have reached the end of my tether and today I did something I have never done before. I messaged exes brother to tell him what he had done and could he ask ex to stay away from me or I will report him.

I am all over the place mentally and quite sore as well as tired. How do I get over this? I have children so am tied to him. He uses the garage to receive deliveries for work. The deliveries are huge and need to be kept safe. I have told him he can no longer use this garage, I want him to stay away. I even went as far to email his area manager today and tell him the ex can't use the garage anymore as I don't want him near me or my home and can they make alternative arrangements. Ex text me today to say if he can't take the deliveries for work he will hand his notice in and I won't receive any child maintenance from him.

I replied with Tough. It was only last night he hit me with his iPad and cut my arm, threatened to smack my bass guitar and its stand over my head, threw me on my bed and tried to choke me whilst pressing his hand into my nose.

Wtf do I do? I feel like something is keeping me from reporting it to the police like the kids. I have told his brother as no one knows this has been going on. We've been separated about a month now and I stupidly thought we could be friends, I made him dinner last night after work and everything and he's goes and physically hurts me cos he can't control his temper 😢 I have bruises and a cut which I've managed to cover for work. What the hell??

It's not just enabling his behaviour if you don't report

If there's no legal evidence of him abusing you, he can apply for 50/50 custody and he might get it. he's a strangler. You don't want him having unsupervised access, let alone 50/50 custody. You need that record of injury. At least go the doctor.

And he isn't sorrybecause he just doesn't love you. I'm sorry, I know that's hard to process, but normal people don't behave like this. People with morals and normal emotions don't behave like this. He's an abuser.

I believe you. We all do. You don't have to prove yourself to us.

What helped methough was keeping a diary of his abuse. Then when I started wobbling ("Does he really deserve a conviction? Surely I must have set him off somehow?") I'd read it back to myself and remeber why he had to stay out of my life.

report to the police, being safe and not living in fear of reprisals is more important than any money.

You will get over this, it does get better.

Report to the police - I've just done this a few weeks ago - 10 years of the odd slap and hair pulling - I'd started anti depressants last January and they helped clear the fog of feeling responsible for him, feeling sorry for him and thinking the years of shit I would have in the future - it was a long process. He was arrested, pleaded guilty, spent the night in a cell, bailed not to contact me or come to the house(jointly owed). I new I'd never get rid of him if I didn't report it - they grind you down and win you round. He was given a restraining order so he can't come near me or come to the house ever and he has to do a "building better relationships course" for 40 sessions. He told me his life would be over if I called the police and he'd kill himself!!! He still alive - you have clear evidence - the police took it seriously.

My ex attacked me in 2008 and I wish I had reported it. I managed to leave him a year later but I should've reported it.

OP we are all here for you. You don't need to feel guilty or responsible for whatever happens as a result - HE has done this, not YOU. Remember that.
Enough is enough - take back the control of this and make today the first day of the rest of your life, free from abuse. Your kids will thank you for it.
I reported my ex for domestic abuse in February - he wasn't arrested as I think it was because it was emotional abuse (coercive and controlling behaviour).
I have an idea - why don't you do this: ring 101 and have a chat with them over the phone - explain your situation and ask what will happen as a result - telling them that you are scared to press charges at this point but that you want to officially report it and see what they say.
When I did it they explained to me that they would not press charges unless I wanted them to (I wanted to get him to leave the house and I thought if I report it and didn't press charges that would work as a sort of bargaining tool) it worked and scared him sufficiently to leave that very night. The police haVe this all on file and when, 2 weeks later he came back and refused to leave I called them again and they came - they had read my initial report on the way, then that night became the second incident reported. They didn't press charges as he left of his own accord. He hasn't tried any of that shit again. He knows his place now and that I would not hesitate to press charges next time. I also went to my GP and explained about the domestic abuse - again all recorded on my medical records - in case he ever tried to threaten me with the kids or anything.
Women's aid were so so helpful - sorry you didn't have the best experience last time - there is a lot of support out there for women suffering at the hands of these abusive men. Time to make use of all these services at your disposal... that's what they're there for!
All these men are scary bastards, that's how they abuse us... the law is now set up to protect women and children from these bullies. Once their power over us is gone, what else have they got?? Fuck all.
Please ring the police TODAY, NOW! It will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself, believe me. Be brave - I think a combination of mumsnet, the police and women's aid saved my life. My ex had been physically abusive to me years ago but not since, he changed to the mental stuff but I was still scared of him as that fear never really goes away and his behaviour was escalating again which is when I put a stop to him. Not before time. Good luck.

We do recover, love. It takes time, but you may be surprised how little time it can take. It comes in stages, but it very soon turns to anger and that gets you past the sad parts.

I still bear scars. I've several on my face, some on my neck, some on my legs. They'll never go away. But I don't even hate them anymore. I can look right at them and not even notice, or I can scrutinise them without feeling anything really. In fact, I'm almost proud of them, and maybe some days I actually am proud of them. They're proof I lived through it, I came out the other side stronger, wiser, tougher, and better.

They really piss my DH off, though, and it's a good job the man who gave them to me was long gone when we met.

You need to speak to the police asap!

It will escalate eventually and it could even be the kids/any animals next.

It sounds like he really will just push it to the point of killing you eventually.

Why would you want a man that thinks you are less than the shit on his shoes not being charged? He has no respect for you, he wants you to feel pain and humiliation. Why would you allow him to get away with treating you like that?

If you can't do it for yourself then please do it for any kids or any other woman he may move into next.

Hope, I hope you're ok

Oh love. I hope you can summon up every ounce of strength and courage to report this awful man. He is the one with the pathetic life, not you. The violence WILL escalate, that is a certainty sadly.

I'm a survivor of awful domestic violence. And I mean survivor as in escaped with my life. Just. My XH also went to prison for what he did to us and I haven't regretted reporting him for a single second. My scars are large and visible, but as has been said above , I too am proud to show them now. This is what DD and I were lucky enough to survive.

Please please dont feel ashamed to report. So many women I knew as friends and colleagues felt able to express how they too had been/were still in abusive relationships once they knew what had happened to me. People I'd never have thought it was happening to. As the police said to me, it's everywhere, just as common in the 'nice' village (haha) we lived in as everywhere else.

Your children will thank you one day for removing them from this abusive relationship. It's no life for them and they need to see that it isnt OK to live like this.

Exactly twenty years ago I was so physically injured that I was unable to work, and little did I know that my now XH was about to attempt to kill DD and I.Please dont think this next bit is me being smug or showing off, I just want you to know there is a better life out there waiting for you. I'm now very happily married to a lovely man who treats me with love and respect. My DD has achieved her lifelong dream (too outing to say what, sorry!) and is happy and well balanced. There is a lovely life out there for you, promise.

Please report him. You may need the evidence to protect your children in the future. Once he realises he cannot piss you off directly, he will use the kids to get at you. Report, get a restraining order, use a contact centre.

Look after yourself. Strangulation is very serious, and this is not the first time. He could have left your kids without a mum.

It's hard to report - it's like you are causing an explosion in your lives. But he chose to do this, he thinks it's okay to strangle his children's mum. He is very very dangerous.

People do move on from domestic abuse but you need the right support. I don't know where you are (and it's probably not a good idea to say here) but please find out the contact details for your local domestic abuse agency. There you will find amazing people with the right skills and knowledge to help you.

There is hope and help, please seek it out x

OP just wanted to say that I hope you're doing ok. Some brilliant posts & advice on here - Becotide especially.
I hope you report him.

If you cannot face the police at the moment. Make an appt wth your GP and show them your injuries.

Also the GP may be able to give you something to help calm your nerves and this all counts towards the Domestic Abuse evidence if you need proof.

I was seriously worried that I could be killed and no-one would believe me as it was my word against his so the GP said I had done the right thing.

Hi all I'm ok, thanks for the replies. I'm considering ringing 101 but as ex has left I don't really want to take it further I just want him to know the weight of what he's done

He won't know that unless you report. I know it's hard but you cannot come back from this and you need the protection of the police and courts.

We are all here for you, Hope

Of course the decision to report has to come from you but this wasn't the first and I hate to say but it probably won't be the last time he will attack you. PP's are correct in that as soon as your abuser strangles you you are at a hugely increased risk of being murdered by this monster.

I know it's all hard to read and probably feels surreal and like this isn't your life but please, please, keep him away from you and your children and if that means reporting him and letting the police deal with this scumbag, so be it.

Remember, you did nothing to deserve this treatment and today could be the start of the end of all this horror, find your anger and keep pushing on.

Sending you love and strength.

My ex strangled me too.

You will get through this. You will go on to wonderful things in your life. But as long as he can abuse you, he will loiter in your life and not allow you to fully move on to that happiness.

I logged my assault. No investigation was ever started but I was fine with that. I just wanted it on record somewhere. If you can't contact the police right now, start with your GP?

I got out of that relationship, got some excellent WA counselling and life became wonderful. I have no regrets. I came out wiser and stronger and an expert red-flag spotter. So will you.

Your ex doesn't and won't feel the weight of what he's done. Because his attack of you other day wasn't the 1st he didn't care and wasn't ashamed of his behaviour that very 1st time he assaulted you.
He knows what he is doing when he hurts you. He uses it as a way to control you. He will continue to be violent until he can no longer get away with it. He knows you are afraid to upset his life.
Violent men don't wake up less violent/non violent, they don't have an epiphany. If they truly cared about never hurting their partners they'd never do it in 1st place.
Time to log this assault, see a gp, talk to police and make a new plan thru legal means to halt his abuse.

Op I'm so sorry you're going thru this.

I just wanted to say that a friend of mine died of an embolism. She left behind a child. What many don't know is that he partner (child's dad) had strangled her in the past, she'd told certain people but never reported.

After her death obviously the child went to it's father to be cared for. Child has been in and out of camhs care for years and nothing has ever been proven but I and other friends suspect that our friend, the child's mother actually died because she had been strangled over and over by her partner and had eventually died from it.

But because she never reported there was nothing to prevent the child being left in dad's care. At best it was hearsay, when friends flagged concerns. Such an awful situation.

Please op think of the DC, what if something happens to you and no one knows that their dad is violent. It's so important you log this with the authorities somehow. I know you're hurting and scared but please try xxxx

Please at least call 101 and discuss your options with reporting it.
I'm so sorry he did this and he's done it in the past.
He won't change.
He'll continue to do this with you or the next woman.
Womens Aid can help you with local support services.
Try them again.

He's not sorry. I'm not surprised that fact is driving you mad but it proves one thing. He will do this again, he's ^somehow^ managed to justify it to himself so, in his mind, there's no reason not to. Will he even bother to do it out of the kids sight/earshot next time? You can't take that risk.

You'll be minimising this to yourself, it's a natural reaction to something like this because, frankly, it's too horrific for our minds to cope with. It will feel like all the advice you're getting, call the police, speak to WA etc can't possibly apply to you, to your life, it can't be so bad that all that is necessary can it? But it is, it absolutely is and you need help, proper 'official' help. Not going to the police is effectively like having acute appendicitis and not going to hospital. You wouldn't do that to your DC (or yourself) though would you, you wouldn't deny yourself the treatment you needed and put your life at risk because you know you need to be there for your kids. This is honestly no different, you can't possibly deal with this on your own.

I agree with the PP who said stop acting like you can be friends with this man, you can't. What will the future look like if you don't report? Will he let you move on or will he constantly harass, intimidate and threaten you? Will you be happy and carefree or will you live in fear, constantly looking over your shoulder and worrying what he might do next? You know the answers to those questions and they really do leave you with no choice. You're worried reporting and everything that will bring is too drastic but he needs drastic, he needs a flashing neon light to get it through to him that he can't do that to you and I honestly think reporting him is the only thing that will do it.

I know it feels like we're ganging up on you, trying to push you to do something you don't want to do, but this is people's experience talking. We're telling you this because we've seen it or been through it and we know it's the only way for you to be free of him. It's time to be brave, to blow this wide open and stop protecting him from the rightful consequences of his actions. You will get endless support here, you can do this

If I log it, will the police turn up on his doorstep? His mum isn't well so I don't think it would be fair to her to have to deal with that happening. But you're all right, I should at the very least log it. Im going to call 101 when the kids are in bed. It may take me several attempts as I can feel myself getting nervous just thinking about it. I will discuss with them the consequences and let them know I don't want to press charges I just want it logging.

The repercussions of this could be ugly though

The repercussions of this could be ugly... yes they could - for him if you report this, or for you if you don't.

He could apply for 50/50 with your kids.
And even if he dosent, he can come back anytime he wants and do it again, and he will. Because he knows he can and he knows that's acceptable.

So sorry you are going thru this but please report him.
Start as you mean to go on

And dont worry about his mum, if she gets stressed out about it all that's his doing. Not yours. You need to protect your children, not his mum.