My husband is in rehab and just found out about his infidelity

[exhaustedmumof4]

Hi, I need strength and support and I don't know where to turn.

My husband has been in rehab for 2 weeks due to cocaine addiction. He's been using problematically for years but it's escalated recently and I kicked him out about 5 weeks ago. He's been doing really well, embracing therapy, talking like I've never heard him talk before about getting clean and sober and I've been feeling really positive about the future.

Today I visited him with our 4DC's, age 8 and under. I'm not supposed to go in the bedrooms but I wanted to feed the baby and there were other residents in the communal areas so I went up to his bedroom. There was paper on the desk in his room, a therapy exercise and I know I shouldn't have looked but I did and I read that he had an affair with a friend of his about 2 years ago. I had always suspected something between them but he made out that I was crazy and suspicious for even considering it. I think I could forgive the infidelity as it was a while ago but he's kept seeing her as a friend since then, brought her round to see our baby recently. When I kicked him out he rang her and I confronted him (as I said I've had my suspicions) and he got angry and said he was entitled to see his friend. He deleted their WhatsApp thread and I confronted him about that and again he had some lame excuse. This was the weekend before he went to rehab. I cannot let go that he could cheat on me but worse still, keep her in his life and make me feel like a terrible person for suspecting and snooping, even though I was right all along.

He says he's so sorry, he was in active addiction then, he's in therapy now etc. I've been trying to be supportive but this is such a huge kick in the teeth. I don't think he had any intention of telling me. I'm so angry and hurt. I know I should leave his lying cheating addict ass to it but we've got 4 kids together. Any advice?

"know I should leave his lying cheating addict ass to it but we've got 4 kids together. Any advice?"

You already know what the best advice is. You just don't want to accept it.

I know.

I guess I was wondering if active addiction is some justification for what he's done

God you really are going through the mill at the moment . Honestly you and the kids deserve far more than a druggie, cheating, gaslighting, lying scumbag. Hope that therapy sorts him out enough that you can trust him with the kids while you aren't there and leave him and start a new life without that loser

Yuk. What an asshole. No. There's never a justification for any of his behaviour.

No, sorry, it isn't. He doesn't respect you or your family. Hold your head up high and move on. You know you deserve better and so do your kids .

I know. I guess I can't believe that he's finally getting the help he needs, finally facing up to his issues and now this.

He's not just been cheating on you, he's been gaslighting you, too - making our you are the paranoid one when you were absolutely right. I'm so sorry he put you through this.

What do you get out of your relationship with him?

Only you know your relationship well enough to know if there is still enough of a foundation to rebuild on. Because after addiction, that's what you have to do. Scrape away all the rot and rebuild. I'm not defending him but perhaps he was writing it down in a bid to confront all his wrong-doings. I had my last drink nearly 15 years ago and though I didn't cheat on my then DP (now DH) I thank my lucky stars that he saw the difference between the real me and the shit I did to him when I was drunk.

cocaine doesn't make you cheat. or lie. 1000s of people take coke and stay faithful.

being paranoid, talking too much and having nosebleeds and getting into debt are reasonable (if you can use that word!!!) side effects of a coke addiction. an affair is an active decision. sorry op.

Justhavingabreak that is what the exercise was, it was a timeline of his drug use and the lies that he's told relating to it. I've waited so long for him to get clean and get therapy and he really has been talking like a different person. I can't believe this. But of course it's so fucking pathetically predictable. I'm supposed to go to a couples session with him on Tuesday, I don't know if I want to go.

You've put up with problematic cocaine addiction for years, and now you've discovered that for the last 2 years he's deliberately made you feel like a paranoid crazy suspicious loon, all while bringing his shagging partner into your home and your children's lives, right under your very nose.

Just where will you draw the line?

Gaslighting is dreadful, he has not just put your MH at risk, he has put I presume you physical health at risk from drugs and sex outside of the marriage.

I hope therapy means he will be good enough to parent four children every second weekend.

Sheldonsspot it was an emotional affair although they did kiss on multiple occasions. I told him if he told me a single lie I'd file for divorce in the morning, so I do believe him although maybe I'm an idiot. He did have feelings for her though, and yes brought her into my home and my children's lives. He said because they didn't sleep together he told himself it wasn't really cheating, which of course is bullshit

Recently I've got nothing out of our relationship, but since he's been in rehab he's been like his old self again. I feel like such a fool

Cocaine addiction

Infidelity

Gaslighting

What does this man have to do to get you to finally leave him? This cannot be good for your poor children.

An emotional affair, yeah ok.

I think he's told you as little as he thinks he can get away with.

They went on dates while I was home with the kids. And used cocaine together. He said he liked being with someone carefree. I guess not being left alone to raise a bunch of children must be pretty liberating. Can any therapy on the world address that level of narcissism and entitlement? The thing is he said he knows he's been using drugs because he's a shitty person and wants to be a better person. I don't know whether giving him a chance to see what kind of person he is clean and sober makes me a complete idiot, or whether I owe it to the kids to try. Right now I want him dead. Her too.

You poor thing. The hurt must be heartbreaking. I'm afraid I don't have any personal experience of rehab centres and what those couple therapy sessions would be like. I had one of those life changing moments where I realised that drink would kill me if I didn't stop, so I just never drank again. There'll be lots of chants of LTB here, and maybe you will. But don't make any decisions right now while you're so furious with him (and rightly so). Make sure that the decision you make is one that you can live with and that you can honestly hand-on-heart say to your kids was a well thought out decision. Also try to give yourself time to be sure that your DH has well and truly changed because you and your kids deserve love, honesty and stability in your futures.

He made you out to be crazy to Hide his deceit. Surely thats enough?

Whatthefoxisgoingon of course it's not good for the children. I kicked him out and saw a solicitor to instigate divorce proceedings. He went to rehab and has been working hard to get clean. Now I've found this out. I've done nothing wrong and haven't got anything to feel guilty about. I will do anything to protect my children including divorcing their father of that's what needs to be done.

Justhavinhabreak thank you, I'd really like to hear from people with experience in addiction as I know that lying and sexually acting out is part of it. Right now I feel like I'm done, I was prepared to forgive and support him but I cannot forgive this. But I do know that addiction makes you do fucked up things. I'd like to try and understand at least for my own piece of mind. It's difficult to know where addiction ends and where complete bastard begins.

My dd was in rehab several times. Some of the things discussed in therapy were very difficult for me to hear. I always stood by her because she was my dd.
If it would have been DH I don't know if i would have stayed with him if I'm being totally honest.
I really feel for you, having someone in your life with an addiction is awful.
Take Care

I don't want to upset you more op, but sex on coke is amazing. I don't believe for one second they only kissed.

also it isn't hard work to get clean. it's not heroin. no withdrawal symptoms. he is trying to make you feel sorry for him and I don't think he deserved sympathy.

I'm sorry if this post was too blunt. xxxxxx

Two weeks rehab won't change him.
Just focus on you and dc.
Don't visit him or go to couple therapy for six months.
If you need to take the dc to visit him so be it (is it set up for them to see him there?)

Go to your own therapy.
Take several months out and away from.him.