My husband is in rehab and just found out about his infidelity

[exhaustedmumof4]

Hi, I need strength and support and I don't know where to turn.

My husband has been in rehab for 2 weeks due to cocaine addiction. He's been using problematically for years but it's escalated recently and I kicked him out about 5 weeks ago. He's been doing really well, embracing therapy, talking like I've never heard him talk before about getting clean and sober and I've been feeling really positive about the future.

Today I visited him with our 4DC's, age 8 and under. I'm not supposed to go in the bedrooms but I wanted to feed the baby and there were other residents in the communal areas so I went up to his bedroom. There was paper on the desk in his room, a therapy exercise and I know I shouldn't have looked but I did and I read that he had an affair with a friend of his about 2 years ago. I had always suspected something between them but he made out that I was crazy and suspicious for even considering it. I think I could forgive the infidelity as it was a while ago but he's kept seeing her as a friend since then, brought her round to see our baby recently. When I kicked him out he rang her and I confronted him (as I said I've had my suspicions) and he got angry and said he was entitled to see his friend. He deleted their WhatsApp thread and I confronted him about that and again he had some lame excuse. This was the weekend before he went to rehab. I cannot let go that he could cheat on me but worse still, keep her in his life and make me feel like a terrible person for suspecting and snooping, even though I was right all along.

He says he's so sorry, he was in active addiction then, he's in therapy now etc. I've been trying to be supportive but this is such a huge kick in the teeth. I don't think he had any intention of telling me. I'm so angry and hurt. I know I should leave his lying cheating addict ass to it but we've got 4 kids together. Any advice?

Umm Gogol I know, once upon a time before we had kids I used to party too. But then I grew up, and he found someone else to party with.

The hard work is emotional. He's in therapy all day every day, he's had to confront a lot of things about himself and his life. His childhood was messed up, his mum is abusive. He's used drugs his whole adult life as a means of escape and now he's having to face it, that part of it is hard work.

he's not the Victim.. you and your children are the Victims OP.. stop seeing him as an innocent lost soul who needs wrapped up in cotton wool... because of his childhood.. millions of us had crap abusive dangerous lucky we survived childhoods... we didn't turn to drugs or have affairs....

I'd let the 'friend' know you KNOW and he needs a good boot up the arse... and then some

Whilst you're thinking... I'm sorry, but I really think you'd better try to make time to get checked out at a GUM clinic. Because I rather doubt that a cheating lying person on cocaine will have remembered to reliably use a condom.

It is his hard work
Not yours.
You need to focus on you.

What a horrible situation you are in. It sounds as though you have spent a LOT of energy on looking after him, supporting him into rehab etc, and he has been treating you abominably.
I hope you take the time while he's away to rehabilitate yourself a little, to reflect on what you want and need in a relationship, and to organise yourself to be rid of this abusive man.

You sound really grounded and sensible. How have you had four kids with this prick?

I'm sorry I still think you are better off out of it. plenty of people have bad childhoods and manage not to behave like this.

I learned to use drink from seeing it abused as a child. Monkey see, monkey do and all that. I too had to go through all the therapy to face up to horrible things I'd rather have continued to sweep under the carpet. But I'm lucky. I came out the other side and touch wood, I haven't had a drink since. I have an amazing DH and we went on to have great kids. I guess I'm speaking for the dry and clean addicts when I say that we're not all complete scum-bags (at least not anymore). If there is anything I can do to help you please feel to PM me

or whether I owe it to the kids to try

Sorry to be blunt but if you're going to consider staying with him, don't lay it at your kids door, like you're doing it for their sake. They won't thank you for it.

You owed it to them to not put them through years of living with a problematic cokehead addicted father, but that's done now, you can't turn back time. Now you owe it to them to be free of this guy until he's proved that he's changed, really changed, and that's going to take a lot longer than a few weeks or months, I'd say at least a year or two.

Listen to what you just said His childhood was messed up, his mum was abusive - your daughters husband, your son's wife, do you you want them to be able to say the same thing about your children when they are older? That their Dad was a gaslighting lying unfaithful druggie and their mother stayed so that's why they are messed up?

You deserve so much better, your kids do, no more chances, leave now

I did message the 'friend', I hope she has a sleepless night. She has a long term boyfriend.

It's taken me a long time to see him for what he is. We got together very young and I was a bit of a mess then too. We had our first kid quite young and it sorted me out, knocked the drugs on the head etc. His friends were still single and still partied hard. I guess I thought he would grow out of it. After we had our second I had some big flashing alarm bells that things were not improving. I started training for a good career, a medical professional, and was making long term plans to leave if I'm honest. While I was doing my degree, I got pregnant accidentally and it turned out to be twins. This is very outing but I actually don't care. Like I said, I've done nothing to be ashamed of. After we had the twins his drug use escalated until I made him leave. There's more to it obviously but I'll spare the sordid details.

Nocabbageinmyeye no I do not want that and that is why I had kicked him out and began divorce proceedings. I paused them when he went into rehab and appeared serious about changing.

I think posters who say I need to focus on me and not even think of giving him any more chances for months are right. I'm going to tell him tomorrow there's no way he's moving home after rehab and he'll need to get himself a place.

you are clearly a strong woman. don't let him drag you down. please.

Can any therapy on the world address that level of narcissism and entitlement?

Not in my experience.

I have experience of a Father with a gambling addiction and an ex like the father of your children. Both are very good at the little boy lost routine, then can quickly switch into the big man role!

The ex isn't in touch with the children, his therapist told him to leave us alone. My father can't get away with the big man as much anymore as he is outnumbered by four adult women most visits, three of which are feminists. I remember the mood swings, the selfishness and distracted behaviour.

Addicts remind me of that Voldermort creature under a bench at Kings cross. Under the big man and the little boy lost, there is a very small part of them that behaves beyond horrible, never forget that! Until the therapy gets that part of them out and gone, it's a lost cause in my opinion.

OP you're doing the right thing for you and your children... and please be strong for yourself and your little ones.. He cannot drain the sunshine out of your soul anymore

Unfortunately I do have experience of rehab.
In rehab people tell all their secrets - some users feel that they need the substance to cope with such secrets and by telling them hope they can cope with life without needing to get obliterated. However, in rehab you're taught that there are consequences to your actions and you have to face up to them if you're going to stay clean - he will have to face up to the consequences of his actions, and stop denying them and blaming it on you (the gaslighting is unforgivable).
It must be so painful for you to be 'on the outside' coping with all this emotional turmoil AND your kids/regular life etc. I hope you have a strong support network. You did the right thing by reaching out on here.
Unfortunately many relationships don't last after rehab as the person with the substance addiction is different when clean - and not always for the better. Being an arsehole can't always be blamed on the substance.
I can't tell you what to do, but I do sincerely feel for you. Compassion towards an addict is good, but manipulation, lying and cheating can unfortunately for part of the 'illness', regardless of the substance of choice. Trust has to be regained and sometimes this is just not possible, or desirable.
I hope the rehab he is in gives you a chance to attend some sessions together? You deserve a chance to talk about this and having a therapist present may be beneficial. Are you able to call his case worker/head therapist to discuss it with them? there is often really amazing support for the family. TBH the family often go through more shit than the addict and they can feel forgotten when its the addict who gets to swan off to rehab, to be listened to, supported & "have time to themselves"....and leave you with the 4 kids.
Otherwise 'AlAnon' is amazing. They support family of alcoholics, but also family of drug addicts. They have a helpline (google them), plenty of meetings and also podcasts. It helps to know you're not alone at a time like this, and the support network is v strong.
To get through the next few days it may help to write him a letter? Tell him all the times he made you feel paranoid and how it has impacted you. Tell him how you feel. You don't need to send it, but it may help clarify your thoughts.

Take care

Why tell him anything. Leave him to it, get on with life, see a solicitor, sort finances, send him two letters, one about a divorce, one about him seeing the children via supervised contact via the solicitor. He is not your problem.

Mixtapemartyr thank you for your kind and supportive post. I already wrote him an 'impact statement' as to how his drug use has effected me, it was read out to him in group therapy and they discussed it. He said he cried a lot. It was very cathartic to write and also to know he would have to hear it read amongst a group where there was nowhere to hide. I'm supposed to go for family therapy on Tuesday but I don't know if I want to.

Honestly if I didn't have twins under 1 this would be a no brainier but I'm honestly worried how I will cope alone long term.

He missed off to rehab and you are doing what we all do, getting on with it. I feel bad for you, it's hard with one baby,can I give you an unMN hug ?

it's lovely being a single mum. no-one to drain you emotionally, spend household money on drugs, make a mess or snore in the bed next to you.

was he really that helpful with the kids in between his drug taking and lying?

I would stop supporting his Therapy... you need to start supporting YOU lady x

No he has absolutely not been helpful with the kids in recent months. But I hoped it would get better.

I've been seeing a therapist for a couple of months. She's been away on holiday for 4 weeks and our first session after the break is tomorrow! We will have a lot to talk about.

Thanks for the support, it really means a lot. I don't have any family in my city. My friends try but it's a lot to dump on them.

Many recovering addicts make great recoverys, they then go on to do great things too. Not all of them, but plenty.
Become super partners and parents bevause their recovery programme helps them to deal with their daemons.

People are always telling other people to walk away from marriages but its easier said than done.
It's your choice, don't let some judgemental uninformed person on the net tell you to break up your children's family UNLESS you think that's the best thing.
I would suggest you go to an organisation for the relatives and friends of recovering addicts, like Al Anon for relatives of alchoholics.
Ask to speak,to a therapist at the rehab. They are far more qualified and experienced to guide and support you.