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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband is in rehab and just found out about his infidelity

149 replies

exhaustedmumof4 · 03/09/2017 22:49

Hi, I need strength and support and I don't know where to turn.

My husband has been in rehab for 2 weeks due to cocaine addiction. He's been using problematically for years but it's escalated recently and I kicked him out about 5 weeks ago. He's been doing really well, embracing therapy, talking like I've never heard him talk before about getting clean and sober and I've been feeling really positive about the future.

Today I visited him with our 4DC's, age 8 and under. I'm not supposed to go in the bedrooms but I wanted to feed the baby and there were other residents in the communal areas so I went up to his bedroom. There was paper on the desk in his room, a therapy exercise and I know I shouldn't have looked but I did and I read that he had an affair with a friend of his about 2 years ago. I had always suspected something between them but he made out that I was crazy and suspicious for even considering it. I think I could forgive the infidelity as it was a while ago but he's kept seeing her as a friend since then, brought her round to see our baby recently. When I kicked him out he rang her and I confronted him (as I said I've had my suspicions) and he got angry and said he was entitled to see his friend. He deleted their WhatsApp thread and I confronted him about that and again he had some lame excuse. This was the weekend before he went to rehab. I cannot let go that he could cheat on me but worse still, keep her in his life and make me feel like a terrible person for suspecting and snooping, even though I was right all along.

He says he's so sorry, he was in active addiction then, he's in therapy now etc. I've been trying to be supportive but this is such a huge kick in the teeth. I don't think he had any intention of telling me. I'm so angry and hurt. I know I should leave his lying cheating addict ass to it but we've got 4 kids together. Any advice?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 04/09/2017 17:57

*punish

Iamthinking · 04/09/2017 18:26

And on a more day-to-day level, having little to add on the addiction front, you are going to be able to cope with the kids on your own. No worries. I speak as a woman with exactly the same number and age gaps. I know how incredibly, incredibly exhausting it is. And I had a reasonably helpful partner and a calm home life. If you have done the first year with twins (+ all the rest) everything henceforth will be easier. You are over the worst by far. You can definitely cope.

And I think thestamp is right to get the divorce going immediately. Self-preservation.

MsWanaBanana · 04/09/2017 20:07

Well done OP. You sounds like an amazing, strong woman who has her priorities in check. Your kids are lucky to have you. I think you're doing the right thing. Focus on you and later on down the line if/when he cleans up and is willing to prove to you he can change, you can think about trying again. I don't think there's any need to rush into divorce unless that's what you really want. Only you can decide when you're ready for that. Good luck x

JustHavinABreak · 04/09/2017 20:14

You are an incredibly strong and brave woman. Your kids are lucky to have such a fantastic mother. I think your letter was perfect and I wouldn't change a word. I really am in awe of you.

schoolgaterebel · 04/09/2017 20:25

Excellent letter, you sound so strong.

(I wonder if the word 'gaslighted' is the mist clear to use? I have only ever heard it used on MN, but maybe I'm wrong)

timeisnotaline · 04/09/2017 20:54

Amazing letter, well done!

RedastheRose · 04/09/2017 21:52

schoolgaterebel

Gaslighting is a form of manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual or members of a group, hoping to make targets question their own memory, perception, and sanity.

‎Gaslight (1944 film) · ‎Gas Light · ‎Psychological manipulation

This is the accepted term for his behaviour and widely known. It is from the film of the same name as mentioned above.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 04/09/2017 22:43

I hope your ok op. I think your letter was great, strong and dignified. I wish you well, I hope you leave him and have a great life without him but I appreciate that's a big step and you have had a big shock so baby steps for the moment. Did his therapist reply to you?

Original poster
exhaustedmumof4 · 05/09/2017 08:39

Morning. His therapist did email me back, he wanted me to still come in and do the session but I said no. Hopefully he can explain the meaning of gaslighting if 'D'H is unsure!

I'm feeling pretty low this morning. The initial shock and anger has worn off and now I just want to cry. I loved him so much and it's really hard coming to terms with how messed up he is and all the horrible things he's done to me. I don't know if he's capable of really loving me the way he said he did. All I want to do is see him so I'm glad I said I wasn't coming to the counselling session yesterday when I was hopping mad as if I saw him today I'd probably crumble.

OP posts:
Original poster
exhaustedmumof4 · 05/09/2017 08:42

I told his sister and a some of our mutual friends, who also know OW. They were suitably horrified which made me feel better. I hope he enjoys explaining to everyone what an asshole he is. The thought of him sitting in rehab for 2 weeks unable to contact me, with nothing to do but think on his sins is pretty gratifying.

OP posts:
Ummmmgogo · 05/09/2017 09:26

oh op. I'm sorry you are feeling low today. stick the kids in front of a DVD and have a little cry xxxx

Lovemusic33 · 05/09/2017 09:39

OP the next few weeks will be tough, you will expereance feelings of hate but you will also grieve. You have done the right thing, going NC is the best thing, there will be times when you feel like caving in and go running to him but you just have to fight against these feelings. In the long run things are going to be so much better. Hang in there x

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 05/09/2017 10:15

Once you've reached rock bottom, the only way is up.
You are being incredibly brave, and are setting a good example to your children. Emotion always clouds our vision, I hope you soon are able, to see him for the pathetic excuse of a man, he really is, used to be's don't count any more.
Sending you love and continued strength.💐

elkiedee · 05/09/2017 10:33

Horrible situation OP. And I thought when I read your posts, not just that he's cheating on you (bad enough) - she's a druggy friend - they were/are using cocaine together.

Good luck with getting back control over your family life.

Original poster
exhaustedmumof4 · 05/09/2017 12:04

I want to thank everyone who has posted here (except quizzqueen) as I've read through the thread again and am feeling much better about myself and my decision to cut contact (although still miserable!) I think this thread will be a really important source of strength going forward. Glad I posted it. Thanks all x

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 05/09/2017 12:09

your doing great Lady... you deserve happiness Flowers

cueless · 05/09/2017 12:11

You go girl Star

XJerseyGirlX · 05/09/2017 12:21

Keep us posted OP, take care of yourself x

hellsbellsmelons · 05/09/2017 16:43

I'm glad you made your stance and didn't go in today.
Telling people makes it 'real' and something he will have to deal with when he gets out of rehab.
Keep posting if it's keeping you nice and sane.

Whatthefoxgoingon · 05/09/2017 17:50

Be strong. This man really isn't good for you. Look after yourself and your children.

LesbianBadger · 05/09/2017 18:40

In my opinion You need to see if he can sustain being clean outside of rehab before you even consider bringing him back into your home. I've known a few addicts in my time. Some have stayed clean and sober and some have sadly relapsed to varying degrees. You need to find out which camp he is in.

Getting sober is just step one imo. He needs to stay sober, face up to his mistakes, own them, apologise for them and work with you at your pace. Don't just let him back. You need to make sure he can sustain this change.

Leavingonajet · 05/09/2017 19:46

Of course you are going to be miserable, it would be strange if you weren't. Maybe try and think about the kind of life you would like for your DC, what kind of relationships you would want them to be in and how you can model that for them. You deserve no less than you would want your children to have. Your old relationship has ended and grieving that is fine, you may be able to build a new relationship with your H or you may not depending on the actions that he takes from now on and what you want.

Holland00 · 05/09/2017 20:28

Exhausted- I could have written your story, I also have 4 DC's and a H ( separated) who was a cocaine addict, serial cheat ( including mistress, my apparent friend staying in our house, him taking her to hotels etc while im at home with the DCs ) compulsive liar etc etc.

I kicked him out and however tough my life gets, life would always be worse living with someone like that.
Especially for my children.

Holland00 · 05/09/2017 20:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nocabbageinmyeye · 05/09/2017 21:04

You are doing so well exhausted, I hop your sil and friends can give you strength and support. I hope your dd is ok too after hearing about her dad

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