So I saw my therapist this morning and she told me what I airway knew, that my mental health will suffer if I try to maintain a relationship with him and he needs to get clean on his own. I've decided not to attend the family session tomorrow as I know it will break my heart to see him so I've sent his therapist the following message to pass on:
Dear DH
DD1 heard enough of our conversation last night to be crying and confused, asking me if you had a new girlfriend. I told her everything. About the drugs and that you're in rehab and that you had been seeing another woman and who it was. You owe your daughter an explanation as to why you've blown her family apart and how you plan to make it up to her.
As for me, how physical your relationship became with 'friend' or any other woman for that matter, is irrelevant now. What you admitted to me is enough. You took her on dates while I was at home with the children, you kissed her on multiple occasions. You had feelings for this person and brought her into our home and around my children. You spoke to her about me and our relationship. You lied and gaslighted me, making me feel paranoid and crazy when I was right to suspect you all along. You have disrespected me, disrespected our marriage, our family, shown nothing but disregard for my feelings and shown once and for all that there are no depths to which you will not sink. Why on earth do you expect me to believe that sex with another woman is a line you wouldn't cross when you have violated every promise you made to me and demonstrated that you will cheat, lie and deceive whenever it suits your needs?
The only things that matter now are the facts and the facts are I do not trust you, you have proven yourself untrustworthy and it will take a long time to rebuild enough trust to let you back into my life. Of course moving home after rehab is out of the question. I am withdrawing my support for you and you need to go away without me and get clean on your own. I will ask Your sister to bring the girls to see you next Sunday. You are welcome to call and speak to them anytime. I do not want to talk to you.
I have no idea who you are. I have taken my values that I have and that matter to me; honesty, integrity, family, responsibility, fidelity, and projected them into you. You do not share them and never have. You need to become a better person and a better man and father, not with any promise of reward but because it's the right thing to do. If I am ever 100% convinced that you are a changed man then perhaps we can make another go of our relationship. This will take months if not years. I need to get to know the real you and decide for myself whether that man is somebody I can love.
With regards to 'friend', I leave it up to your conscience whether you continue to maintain a relationship with her. I messaged her to tell her that I know everything. I hope she had a sleepless night considering her life choices just like I did. I've also started telling your mutual friends, and will be totally honest with anybody who asks me why we are not getting back together. This includes my family and your family. You need to face the consequences of your choices and so does she. I hope she chooses to tell her own partner before he hears it from someone else. He deserves to know.
I don't have anything left to say to you. The only thing that matters to me now is your actions. I'm going to concentrate on making myself happy and our beautiful children, who deserve a better man than you.
OP