My husband is in rehab and just found out about his infidelity

[exhaustedmumof4]

Hi, I need strength and support and I don't know where to turn.

My husband has been in rehab for 2 weeks due to cocaine addiction. He's been using problematically for years but it's escalated recently and I kicked him out about 5 weeks ago. He's been doing really well, embracing therapy, talking like I've never heard him talk before about getting clean and sober and I've been feeling really positive about the future.

Today I visited him with our 4DC's, age 8 and under. I'm not supposed to go in the bedrooms but I wanted to feed the baby and there were other residents in the communal areas so I went up to his bedroom. There was paper on the desk in his room, a therapy exercise and I know I shouldn't have looked but I did and I read that he had an affair with a friend of his about 2 years ago. I had always suspected something between them but he made out that I was crazy and suspicious for even considering it. I think I could forgive the infidelity as it was a while ago but he's kept seeing her as a friend since then, brought her round to see our baby recently. When I kicked him out he rang her and I confronted him (as I said I've had my suspicions) and he got angry and said he was entitled to see his friend. He deleted their WhatsApp thread and I confronted him about that and again he had some lame excuse. This was the weekend before he went to rehab. I cannot let go that he could cheat on me but worse still, keep her in his life and make me feel like a terrible person for suspecting and snooping, even though I was right all along.

He says he's so sorry, he was in active addiction then, he's in therapy now etc. I've been trying to be supportive but this is such a huge kick in the teeth. I don't think he had any intention of telling me. I'm so angry and hurt. I know I should leave his lying cheating addict ass to it but we've got 4 kids together. Any advice?

You are not here to help fix him. He's an adult. Who cheated on you and lied to you and I'm sure will use his addiction to justify it/explain it away.

You need to be selfish and think about what will be best for you.

you can always step away and tell him that if/when he's a reliably clean person able to offer fidelity and love, that you would reconsider things with him. The truth is that right now he isn't able to sustain a relationship, so you don't have to either. If you want to consider waiting around to see if he gets better and what he's like, that's your choice. But you can always say you'd rather have a break and then think about things a few years later.

Ummmmgogo you sound as tapped as OPs other half!

"Sex on coke is amazing".

Yeah, for a while maybe. Good enough reason to be using Class A though, especially if you've got children?...

I lived with a DP for 5 years (what a twat - me, not him, for staying in it that long). Over time they believe it's the coke that = their sexual performance and they get to the point where they daren't even try to have sex without coke on board.

Then, if they can get going, they can shag for ages (if you can get them to shut up and stop talking / rambling for long enough) and then they can't come - because of the coke!

Don't give us this drug-folklore rubbish (I'm literally sick of hearing it here on MN) - coke is SHITE. It's not clever and it doesn't sound impressive at all. Cocaine (any drug / substance that people get addicted to) ruins the person using it, ruins their partner, and their kids (because invariably there is infidelity or violence or financial loss if not all three).

And bear this in mind OP - you leave your children with with him at a time when you have any suspicions at all that he's using or might be using, SS will class that as 'left her children with a known drug user' (I speak from bitter, bitter experience). SS see things in complete black and white and therefore he needs to stay out your life and have controlled contact with them until he's proven himself over a long period of time, to be coke-free. That would be you demonstrating that you're keeping them safe.

Personally OP I think you'd be better going to Adaction or something for counselling/support for yourself - I can't see, when your other half hasn't completed his rehab or counselling, how a joint counselling session will be of benefit to YOU. Personally I'd advise not getting drawn into that - I hazard a guess it will be an outpouring of how awful things have been for him yada yada yada. Not relevant. It's his problem, he needs to sort it, he needs to understand that he needs to stay away until he has actually sorted himself out. Again, take it from one who's been there - he can't do it and you shouldn't let him, do it whilst he lives with you. He needs to sort it out like a proper big boy. By himself.

I wish you the best I genuinely do. The lying that goes with coke use is one of the worst aspects.

I can't comment with any real experience of addiction and you have received what I would consider very well informed input from those who have been there. It sounds so very turbulent and draining now when it was probably just worrying and exhausting before...please take some time to look after you right now, whatever that is.

I think I would be wary of taking any permanent decisions now but independently of the drug taking some red flags for me would be the fact that he only went into rehab when you said you were divorcing him i.e. it wasn't that he arrived at that conclusion himself, his behaviour (including his drug taking) has been so completely self-absorbed, and don't cheaters always say it was just an emotional affair if they feel that you can't prove otherwise?

So very tough. Although exhausting, the therapy on Tuesday will likely allow you to be heard. It can be hard to be in such sessions as they can be emotionally charged. Especially when ultimately you care for him & just seeing him may trigger all sorts of feelings. You can be prepared for them though.
Take a list of bullet points you want to address. Answers you feel you need. Statements you want to make. I imagine the time will be relatively short and you don't want to leave feeling that your heart won over your head - I might ask him specifically about the gas lighting, lack of respect and affair - it doesn't really matter if it was physical as he betrayed you regardless.
It will take time to pick all of your feeling apart.
And you don't need to rush into any big statements or decisions, in terms of your future together. Give yourself a break and allow yourself some time to process. I'm not condoning his behaviour or suggesting for a second that you should let him back into your life, but with any decision you reach you need to be considered and logical. The 'trauma' of such a shock can be a powerful stimulant in itself and decisions made at such times can later lead to doubts. And they can lead to regrets (either that he stayed or left) - and regrets really do suck. And often lead to on/off relationships, which is hard on everyone.
Finally, and this may be controversial to some posters, but I've met plenty of lovely ex-coke addicts who totally turned their lives around. They fully committed to the programme, got honest, embraced the 12-steps (which can take a lot of time in the early days), avoided old user mates and went to NA meetings and made new clean mates. It's bloody hard work, but is achievable over time for the lucky few. Far more relapse than succeed, but I really hope for the sake of his kids, if not for you too, he puts the work in & is one of the success stories.
Regardless, look after yourself first so that you're able to look after your kids. Keep talking and follow your gut, only you know what feels right.
Hope tomorrow is easier on you

I think I could drive myself crazy wondering what he did or is lying about. What he's admitted to is enough. Whether or not he actually fucked her is irrelevant; he left me with his kids to take her out, he kissed her, he brought her around my children and gaslighted me repeatedly. I don't think there's any coming back from this. Certainly not until I'm 100% convinced that he's a changed man. Thank you all for your advice. I have been calling him every night to support him, that stops. I'll see if his sister will take the kids to see him at the weekend. I'm withdrawing my support and concentrating on me and the kids. If he wants to prove to me how much he's changed then he's welcome to try. I'm not interested in a relationship with anyone else but I'm certainly not going to be in a relationship with him any time soon.

X post mixtapemartyr yes the gas lighting and sustained contact is the worst thing for me as that's very recent and shows a complete lack of respect. I would have forgiven infidelity if he'd confessed, or even cut contact to demonstrate respect and remorse.

Oh and Ummmmgogo:

"also it isn't hard work to get clean. it's not heroin. no withdrawal symptoms" you say.

You literally haven't got a CLUE!

A small snippet of the extensive information from Adaction about withdrawing from cocaine:

Cocaine withdrawal symptoms vary slightly from alcohol and other drugs because there are typically no physical signs of withdrawal, such as nausea or shakiness. However, when withdrawing from cocaine there are still very prominent symptoms including:
agitation
depressed mood
dissatisfaction with life
fatigue
generalized malaise
increased appetite
restlessness
slowing of activity
vivid and unpleasant dreams
severe cravings for more cocaine (from the moment they finish sniffing the current batch).

ALL of which affect the partner, family, and children in a negative way and potentially create an unsafe situation. For what it's worth, my ex partner was often at his absolute worst when he needed coke, not when he'd recently used it (although it varied, he generally proceeded to smashing up the house when he was on it, opting for leaving me and my children stranded at restaurants with no way of getting home when he needed to score. Of course, he was a typical deluded, in denial druggie and didn't give a jot for anyone else's suffering.

And yet more potential for damaging experiences for everyone around the drug-deluded individual:
because of the severity of the psychological symptoms such as depression and cravings the safest way to withdraw from cocaine is under the supervision of drug counselors, or in a drug treatment center. This allows you to be safely monitored for severe depression or suicidal thoughts or intentions.

keeponworking

":Ummmmgogo you sound as tapped as OPs other half!

"Sex on coke is amazing".

Yeah, for a while maybe. Good enough reason to be using Class A though, especially if you've got children?..."

I don't think Ummmmgogo was making statement to support or back OP's DH. Rather, I think she was saying that having sex when you've taken coke feels so great that she doubts OP's DH and "friend" only kissed when they'd been using coke together, which is all he admitted to OP.

whoop and now that sounds like a proper plan of action. Stick to it - boundaries will help him too.
Wishing you all the luck
Xxxx

Leave him to it OP. It is his shit to deal with. When/if he is clean he can come and talk to you. Then you'll see. You cannot help him in any way. And after all he did leave you alone to deal with the children all these years.
Trust me it'll be easier without him.

Sending you atrength.

keeponworking this is a thread to support the op. you clearly have your own issues around this subject are you sure this is the best place for you?

op I think stopping the phone calls is a wonderful idea. I'm glad you are planning to focus on yourself and the kids, stay strong you are amazing and everyone on this thread is proud of you.

thank you happening that is exactly what I meant!

Nothing useful to say about addiction, but I wouldn't worry too much about the twin thing, I reckon you are over the very worst and as they get older they are easier than singles as far as I can see. You sound more than able to manage by yourself even if it isn't what you would have chosen.

You chose to have 4 children with a druggie including a very recent baby!

Helpful quiz. Must be lovely up there.

Op ditch him. He'll cause you more and more grief as time goes on.

Ummmmgogo has been taken out of context - her posts have been some of the more helpful on here.

I work with substance misusers ... and I would agree with her that it is very unlikely that your DP didn't have sex with OW due to the coke .

Ummmmgogo is also correct that coke is not like heroin . People can choose to one day never take coke again . It does not need medical management and does not pose risks to physical health when detoxing like heroin and alcohol can.

Good luck OP

You said you training for career ? Then you got pregnant ! Did he get you pregnant on purpose ?

Hmm quiz what is your goal on this thread? Just throwing shit around?
I think if you are considering letting him back you need much longer than two weeks. Withdrawing for a while (and doing your own therapy) is sensible, he needs to be able to get clean on his own at this point.

Don't feel sorry for him because of his addiction, yes addiction is a horrid thing but you shouldn't stay with him because you feel sorry for him or because you think he is finally turning a corner. He is who he is, he's a cheat (drugs is no excuse) and he continued to see her and bring her to your home knowing he had strong feelings for her. Put yourself and the kids before him, do what's best for you, not what's best for him and his addiction problems.

morning op how are you feeling today? xx

Morning. I had a very sleepless night. Feel pretty crappy. Have read all the responses on here and am planning on going to the couples session tomorrow (mainly so I can point out what a lying disrespectful gaslighter he is) and then I'm going to cut contact until he's out. I'll tell him he can't move back here and we won't be together until I'm convinced he's thoroughly changed. If he ever cheats on me or lies to me again I'll divorce him and take him for every penny I can.

Twitchingdog the pregnancy was my fault. I have issues with contraception and have been charting my fertility since DD2 was born 4 years ago with no issues. When I started my training 'D'H and I were working opposite hours, we hardly saw each other, I was working nights which messed up my charting and I just got a little lazy with it. We only had sex once that month, I thought it was safe but it wasn't. I did consider not going ahead with the pregnancy once I found out it was twins but I'd had the scan by then and I guess I hoped he would step up. Denial isn't just for addicts it seems. Anyway I can't regret it because my twins are awesome.