My husband is in rehab and just found out about his infidelity

[exhaustedmumof4]

Hi, I need strength and support and I don't know where to turn.

My husband has been in rehab for 2 weeks due to cocaine addiction. He's been using problematically for years but it's escalated recently and I kicked him out about 5 weeks ago. He's been doing really well, embracing therapy, talking like I've never heard him talk before about getting clean and sober and I've been feeling really positive about the future.

Today I visited him with our 4DC's, age 8 and under. I'm not supposed to go in the bedrooms but I wanted to feed the baby and there were other residents in the communal areas so I went up to his bedroom. There was paper on the desk in his room, a therapy exercise and I know I shouldn't have looked but I did and I read that he had an affair with a friend of his about 2 years ago. I had always suspected something between them but he made out that I was crazy and suspicious for even considering it. I think I could forgive the infidelity as it was a while ago but he's kept seeing her as a friend since then, brought her round to see our baby recently. When I kicked him out he rang her and I confronted him (as I said I've had my suspicions) and he got angry and said he was entitled to see his friend. He deleted their WhatsApp thread and I confronted him about that and again he had some lame excuse. This was the weekend before he went to rehab. I cannot let go that he could cheat on me but worse still, keep her in his life and make me feel like a terrible person for suspecting and snooping, even though I was right all along.

He says he's so sorry, he was in active addiction then, he's in therapy now etc. I've been trying to be supportive but this is such a huge kick in the teeth. I don't think he had any intention of telling me. I'm so angry and hurt. I know I should leave his lying cheating addict ass to it but we've got 4 kids together. Any advice?

So after a few days of feeling like I want to die, I've been speaking to his friends and they're all devastated. Turns out they thought the relationship was getting inappropriate and his best and oldest mate had a word with him and told him to knock that shit off. DH lied to him too, to all of them. He's torn his group of friends apart as well as his family. They're being really sweet, his best friend said he wanted to cry when I told him. I also spoke to the best friend of OW, we've been on holidays together and she is gutted and furious with 'friend'. Another mutual friend, let's call her H, told me that DH had told her I thought he was having an affair with OW but he wasn't, he just came out with it, she didn't ask and cannot believe he would lie like that for no reason. Guilty conscience I guess. Anyway today I'm in a state of cold anger. How dare he treat me like this? I've let this lying, cheating sleazy druggie take me for a fool over and over but no more. Fuck him.

I haven't anything helpful to add but I have addict father of my own, addict stepsister, I dallied with addiction myself and always seem to attract addict 'partners' whether it's obvious or not, sometimes they hide it well, sometimes they're blatant and in denial.
Anyway, my point being, my head is severely messed up due to this, going back to my childhood, so confused, so many unanswered questions. I was never enough to make my dad go clean, I was certainly never enough to make any addict partners clean up.
My heart is still broken from my disappointing childhood, I kept on piling on the hurt by choosing the same kind of partner over and over. My boundaries are shot.
If I were you I'd be a wide buffer between your kids and their dad, be there for them 100% don't make the mistakes I did and let him steal your emotional focus . He's got a support network, let them take the strain. You sound brilliant x

Jellyheadbang thank you for writing that. Whenever I feel weak or sad, or like I've failed my children by breaking up their home, I'll read your comment and remember that this short term hurt is for their long term happiness. I know I'm a better parent without him, when I can focus on them without him sapping my energy and spirit.

Also I'm very sorry your childhood messed you up. I hope you find a way to heal x

Thankyou sweetheart, me too!
You're doing the right thing. You've tried your best with him, it didn't work out. You made steps to end it, he's upped his game, let's see if he means it.
In the meantime your best bet is to get on with your life as though you're a single parent. Put you and the kids first, get whatever help you can if you can, show them that you have got this situation under control and that you are better off without his chaos.
If he does keep it together long term he can be a proper father to them it doesn't mean you have to take him back into your marriage, if he doesn't get it together then they still have you as a strong and loving role model x

whoop whoop. Anger is great. it will help you to stay away. I hope you see soon that you haven't broken up a family, to me it sounds like you were a single mum when you were married too xx

You have 4 kids.

You don't put kids near cocaine addicts.

You don't need to be told this.

No I don't so why are you telling me?

Stay strong OP. You're doing really well.

How you doing OP... ? you feeling better today

No I don't so why are you telling me?

I guess because your kids always have been round a coke addict and the only reason you're leaving him now is because he cheated not because of the drugs.

Tbh I think the infidelity has done you a favour to push you to something that should have been done a long time ago.

Aeviternity please read the thread before you post. Op is not putting her children near cocaine addicts, quite the opposite, she has repeatedly said she will not have him back in her house when he leaves rehab, I think your post is extremely unhelpful.
Op I am in awe of how strong you are in such a shit time for you and your family, you sound like an amazing Mum and I for one admire you and think you are doing absolutely the best for you and your children.

RidingWindhorses why do people like you come on here to kick others when they are down, it makes me fucking furious, please don't reply,this thread is a SUPPORT thread for op and for her alone.

I am so sorry this has happened to you. You don't deserve it, and it isn't fair.

You are so strong, and so brave. You probably don't feel like that a lot of the time, but you are. It takes so much courage to do what you know to be right in these situations. The first days are the worst, it gets easier.

You are doing amazingly OP, massive respect from me

I'm not judging OP, she asked why a poster she said something, I was simply explaining.

As to the affair - an ex of mine had an affair and I was devastated at the time, but he did me a massive favour - he was narcissistic, if charming, & I should have gotten rid of him long before.

To clarify, I already left him; well, kicked him out several weeks before I found out about the infidelity. We were working towards reconciliation but I would never allow him back if he was using again.

Thank you for your supportive messages. I'm ok, getting my head round things. I spoke to him last night and tried to make it clear that we were finished but I'm not sure he's really hearing me. He has ADHD as well and smokes cannabis to self medicate and after 3 weeks clean is a bit manic, as well as having been in therapy all day for weeks so is very focussed on himself (no change there really). He is moving to some kind of halfway house after rehab where he will have a curfew and drug testing and have a weekly timetable approved that he will have to stick to, of work, access to kids etc. He's very apologetic but also trying to minimise what happened.

His therapist has asked me to attend a session to discuss access to the kids and boundaries for myself. Ive made it clear that our relationship is over and I don't want to even discuss it with him until he is many months clean. I will go but only to discuss practical things in a controlled environment. I'm not going to lie, I do have hope that he focuses on his recovery and being a dad, and in a long time we might be able to try again. I'm not telling him that though which is maybe a bit manipulative but I want to see what his true intentions are. He'll either do the right thing in which case great, or he won't in which case I've done the right thing cutting him off.

As to anybody judging me for getting myself in this mess, of course it looks bad and I can see clearly how bad it is. It's been a long slow process getting to this point and I suppose I've been in denial myself about how bad his drug usage was until suddenly I couldn't deny it anymore. Drugs are used recreationally amongst my friends and his friends, and while I haven't done them in years I'm not going to pretend I've never done them. He owns bars and works in the London nightlife scene and it was easy to dismiss his usage as recreational for a long time, until it was blindingly obvious that it wasn't. I've been very busy these last few years, with university and the children, and as he has been using at work it was easy to hide the worst of it from me. As soon as I realised how bad it was I begged him to get help for a couple of months, before realising he was too far gone and the only thing I could do was split.

I really don't think you are being judged, with perhaps one exception. You seem to be facing head on into an extremely difficult situation. Some level of denial is I suspect normal in everyday life, either to one self, I really need that biscuit or with others in a similar low key way. Self blame would be really unhelpful now this is not a situation of your making and you are finding a way out of it.

I think I'm judging myself, for having so many kids with a disordered man child.

exhaustedmumof4 your going to be ok.. you and you're kids will get through this my lovely

Hindsight is a wonderful thing exhausted but half of mnetters are here talking about shit things that have happened to them in relationships. We're not stupid we don't go out thinking what I really want out of life is to end up with a lying/narsisistic/cheating/druggie/alcoholic/abusive (delete as appropriate) partner. We are, for the most part, just people who fell in love with the wrong person and often gave that person way too many chances to prove that they were the person we hoped they were. It is insidious and creeps up on you until one day you realise that you don't recognise the person you are or the life you are living. Also most of us have children who we genuinely believe we are doing the best for in trying to keep the family together. Please be kind to yourself, you've had enough kicks without kicking yourself too.

exhaustedmumof4 Hope you are doing okay lovely, keep posting if it helps, most of us on here have empathy, I for one, you are handling it just fine, chin up chicken

I'm not judging you. I think you're doing well.