Hotel booking on DP's online banking

[Emboo19]

Just been onto the online banking to transfer some money from DP's account to our joint one (he knows I'm doing this). He's the one who signed up to the online banking but he gave me log in details and I can see the joint account and his own account, my own account is with a different bank. (Sorry going on a bit, just want to explain how I've seen what I've see).

Anyway, usually he just transfers any money I need from his mobile, but he's busy and said for me to log on and do it, I'm going holiday shopping today and needed some extra. Then this part I'm not proud of.....it's my birthday soon and I had a sneaky look at his recent transactions, to try see what he's bought me (I know that's really, really bad!)
I noticed last week there's a payment to a hotel, which is the same hotel he's staying in at the moment, he's working away. His hotel is paid for by his work, but they share so two men to a room. The charge is the same as a double room for one night at that hotel.

Is there any possible explanation (other than the obvious) that he'd have for booking his own room for a night? I really can't think of one right now, but then I'm struggling to think of anything other than killing him right now!
And how do I speak to him about it? Wait until he's home Friday or ask over the phone?

I don't think it was a drunken one night stand though. It was a pre-meditated action that all of his work mates were indulging in and had been for a while. Pre-meditated as there would have been discussions about whose turn to pay for the extra room for shagging, pre-meditated as in he met this woman at the gym so there must have been a few times they met or were in contact for her to go to this hotel. They're all seemingly cheating on their wives and girlfriends. emboo can't even know for sure if it was just that once. It's a lot worse than a drunken one night stand with someone he met that night at a club, no matter how contrite he is now. It's up to emboo though of course if she wants to give him another chance. She's wants amazing and this relationship won't be so she'd have to accept that. What some of us are saying is this might just be a period that she can overcome. There are plenty of decent people out there and she's young enough to meet them.

The whole set-up that Emboo's DH was working in was pure sleaze - they hire an extra hotel room whenever they're away for sex and take it in turns. He didn't tell her of that. He works with older men and has probably been under pressure for this to happen if they all socialise while away. How can she trust him again in that scenario? She'll always be wondering whenever he's away if he's that weak and easily led.

Surely you could never trust him again he's breaking his marriage vows so the marriage clearly doesn't mean much to him he planned this and was not forced to.

Hi there just read your thread.

My daughter was in similar situation to you ex was cheating on her she now has a 13mth old daughter, her own place and started a college course today. As her mum I support her decisions - your family sound great in supporting you and you sound like you are very mature in your actions - of course you may have times of thinking you wanting your ex back, put your DD and yourself first he is the one who mucked up.

Take each day at a time. You and your daughter will find another man who wants to see you happy and won't do the dirty on you like your ex has done. It will come all in good time - find yourself first everything will fall into place in time. Chin up lovely you deserve good things to come your way.

Emboo, you are so strong. I'm really sorry this has happened, it is a horrible thing to have to go through.

However, I remember some of your other threads about your relationship with this man-child. And frankly he never sounded like a decent fella and despite you seeing him as a good guy, he always came across (to me at least) as a wrong-un.

You are going to meet someone so much better who deserves the kind of love you are clearly capable of.

Good Lord, what shit advice, do not give him another chance!!

I did when I was your age and spent another 15 years with a cheater.

A lot of men play away when on these business trips. More than anybody every realises. So high a percentage of extra marital affairs begin with somebody at work or they've met through work. I haven't read the whole thread but I think I could forgive one or two minor indiscretions but not a long term affair.

I won't/can't forgive him! I know I was having a wobble yesterday and that trying to sort things out does seem a logical thing, as of course I do still love him. But I've thought and played it over in my head so many times since finding out, and I know I can't get passed it. He keeps asking what he can do/say to make it up to me and there's absolutely nothing! Unless he invents a time machine and goes back in time to tell himself not to have sex with someone else and even then I'm not sure I'd forgive him.

We weren't/aren't married though jojo not that it makes a difference I don't think. He'd bought a ring and was going to ask me on my birthday 😂

I do wish I didn't have to see him so often though......he's so bloody good looking, even when he's working the not shaved or showered I'm so depressed look 😂

Maybe in time you will feel differently if he proves his commitment to you. He does seem to be sincere. He is right in that would be good for your DD. However there is nothing wrong with having self worth and not giving him another chance. He screwed up massively. He's made his bed, now he has to lie in the lonely bed it.

It sounded like you were having a wobble. Your brain is split in two at the moment. One side is saying you love him, things were great, you miss him, go back for your DD. The other side though, when you imagine going back, will recoil in revulsion when it enters your mind, which is will do when you least expect it. It's a very hard thing to get over, especially when you loved him to the exclusion of everyone else but he didn't feel the same. It's so painful. He's a complete idiot. You will be happy again though.

This could be your time. You're going to university. There could be a new career at the end of it. You'll meet so many people over the next few years. It really is the start of your life. I don't think this man will grow alongside you.

When you start uni see if you can get your parents to do the handovers of DD.

God, I'm going to go all hippie new age for a second. Maybe with the timing of this, the 'universe' is trying to get you ready for something new in your life. Sometimes pain is needed for change...we try to resist because we feel we are not strong enough but sometimes it's because something better is around the corner. Something we wouldn't have even thought of if circumstances hadn't forced it.

Oops have gone all wooooo! You know what I mean...keep going it will get better. You've got MN rooting for good things to come your way

That's exactly how I'm feeling annie! I was feeling quite positive earlier, had a good lunch and catch up with friends and they introduced me to some of their uni friends. I've been invited out to a few events over the weekend and really looking forward to uni. Then I've just opened a card and some presents he left and I've been in tears again! He's wrote some really beautiful words in his card and it's so difficult.

I'm going to try keep that in my mind Riding and hope it's true.

Words are cheap though!

I know Helena they really were beautiful though and I do believe he means them, weren't particularly about what he's done or anything.
It doesn't change things though, just makes me feel
I had to give my mum my phone last night so I didn't get in touch with him! Luckily she's great and when I randomly hand my phone to her and say don't give it to me until morning, she doesn't!

It's bittersweet what you're feeling. It'll get easier. Keeping busy is clearly helping you. When do you start uni?

What you feel though must be magnified for him as he caused all this and he's lost a prize (you and his DD). He's not a prize so much any more for you though. It's hard not to feel sorry for him for that, and it is difficult to harden your heart to him as no one is 100% bad. It really all comes down to whether you can put it behind you. Like you I couldn't as it would never be that perfect 'thing' ever again. Some can, some can't.

I hope you don't think I'm trying to convince you one way or another. It's just from what you said earlier about it never being amazing again and you want amazing that I think this would always overshadow the relationship. Also, you're young and you've got your whole life ahead of you with exciting times and opportunities coming up so you can have something 'amazing'. I don't know why but I think you're outgrowing him.

It's introduction week next week and then more officially I start the week after annie. I know no ones trying to convince me either way, it's good to hear others opinions and suggestions. I find when anyone suggest I do give him another chance, my inital thought is always, no! That tells me a lot.

We've actually spent most of today together DD had a visit at nursery and he needed to come in to sign some forms and meet the staff, then we took her to the park. And it's been nice. After my rant our talk, he's seemed more resigned to the fact it's really over.
I'm worrying a bit at how I'll cope when I start hearing about or seeing the other women, as I'm sure it won't take him too long. As much as I'm expecting it and telling myself it's absolutely fine, I'm not sure the reality will be so easy.

Even if I was minded to get back with him, it would be after some years and me being in other relationships. I'd make sure he reslised his loss.

Yes, it'll be hard. I hope he's mature enough and not spiteful enough to not rub your nose in it. Perhaps a talk about neither embarrassing the other for your DD's sake who has to grow up in your home town/area of city as you don't want to be the subject of gossips. You might be able to salvage a friendship long term. You'll be off to uni soon. Time will help. Best of luck.

That's my thinking too Sandy of course that depends on how he treats me and his daughter over the course of all this.
In a odd way (when I'm feeling positive) I'm quite looking forward to being single. I've never really been so.

My friend made a good point, she asked how I'd feel if in a year or so I want to try again and he's moved on and doesn't want to. And honestly my first thought was, I'd think we obviously weren't meant to be.

We did discuss it annie along with introducing anyone to DD. He's very much saying he wouldn't do that, I just hope he sticks to it.
I guess he'll have a bit of the same feelings though, I could be pretty spiteful with a few of his friends if I wanted.
For the record, is never actually do that, no matter what he does.

Could we make it work? Yes probably. But it wouldn't be amazing and maybe I'm showing my youthfulness but I want amazing.
I won't make do, I deserve much better than that.

@Emboo19 you are incredible, my jaw nearly hit the floor when I read your age. I wish I'd been half as switched on and determined at 19 (now 20). Of course you want amazing, it's what we all want and deserve. I never thought I'd have it (long abusive marriage, single for 4 years, not looking) but I've been with DP 6 years and he's it.
Keep your head held high and your standards higher, damn right you deserve amazing! And what a role model your DD has in you. Your ex DP is a fucking twat, and a stupid one at that. You are awesome!

Thank you Notreally. I'm very glad you've found your amazing.

You are fantastic Emboo, go with your instincts. It's great that your family are so supportive to.