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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hotel booking on DP's online banking

402 replies

Emboo19 · 30/08/2017 08:12

Just been onto the online banking to transfer some money from DP's account to our joint one (he knows I'm doing this). He's the one who signed up to the online banking but he gave me log in details and I can see the joint account and his own account, my own account is with a different bank. (Sorry going on a bit, just want to explain how I've seen what I've see).

Anyway, usually he just transfers any money I need from his mobile, but he's busy and said for me to log on and do it, I'm going holiday shopping today and needed some extra. Then this part I'm not proud of.....it's my birthday soon and I had a sneaky look at his recent transactions, to try see what he's bought me (I know that's really, really bad!)
I noticed last week there's a payment to a hotel, which is the same hotel he's staying in at the moment, he's working away. His hotel is paid for by his work, but they share so two men to a room. The charge is the same as a double room for one night at that hotel.

Is there any possible explanation (other than the obvious) that he'd have for booking his own room for a night? I really can't think of one right now, but then I'm struggling to think of anything other than killing him right now!
And how do I speak to him about it? Wait until he's home Friday or ask over the phone?

OP posts:
SnoreBore · 04/09/2017 20:45

How are you today OP? You've been so brave and I wish I could be as strong as you! SmileFlowers

Whocansay · 04/09/2017 21:19

I agree with your mum about the fresher's week thing. Be on your guard and tell him nothing. Whatever you share with him he will use as a stick to beat you with.

Good luck.

lazydog · 05/09/2017 05:16

Whatever you share with him he will use as a stick to beat you with.

Well, he could try, but I doubt that the OP would ever let him get away with trying to imply that her sleeping with someone while she is single could ever, in any way, be considered to have negated his cheating random shag(s?)...

SparklingRaspberry · 05/09/2017 11:28

OP I know you seem very close to his brother but please don't believe he would choose your side over his.

Yes it does happen, but rarely

If push came to shove he'd be in his camp. They may not have the best relationship but at the end of the day they're stil brothers and have the same parents.

Please be careful with what you say to him.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 05/09/2017 17:06

Thank you SnoreBore I had a lovely day yesterday with his mum. We took DD to the park and she took me for a early birthday lunch. Been busy packing and prepping for holiday today, he's currently got DD so he can spend some time with her before we go away.
So a really good few days and very excited for holiday now.

Yep lazydog I'd like to think he'd know better than to try that. Anyway I wouldn't feel at all guilty. I've been perfectly clear we are properly broken up. That means we are both free to do what ever we want, with whom ever we want!

It's very difficult to explain SparklingRaspberry I really do trust him though. I know for a fact that he's told me far more personal things than he'd ever tell his brother and nothing I've ever said before has ever got back to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 13/09/2017 16:39

Not doing so good at the moment.
Back from holiday and it wasn't quite the lovely relaxing week I was hoping for. DD was poorly for the last 3/4 days and as lovely and supportive as everyone was, seeing them all in happy couples/families was really quite difficult. And just highlighted that he wasn't there with us and then that obviously reminded me of why he wasn't.
Plus he's been facetiming everyday to see DD and then texts in between etc, so I can't really not think about him. He did manage to keep it all about DD at first and then he started being a idiot again!

I just feel generally crappy and not myself at all and I'm 20 now, and no longer a teenager Sad

He's asked if he can come see DD after work and I know he should, he hasn't seen her for a week. But I'm just not sure I can face seeing him right now!

OP posts:
HelenaDove · 13/09/2017 16:41

Emboo tell him you only wish to converse with him about arrangements regarding your DD. If he tries to make it about him or wheedle his way back in shut the conversation down.

BackieJerkhart · 13/09/2017 16:58

Is there someone who could take DD to him or have her at their house for him to see her there instead of at yours?

Peaches77 · 13/09/2017 17:02

How do you mean he was being an idiot again x

Original poster
Emboo19 · 13/09/2017 17:47

We're supposed to just keep things about DD Helena and when he doesn't I usually do just pull him on it. I'm just not feeling that strong right now, hence why I'm trying to avoid him.

He comes here to do bedtime Backie I plan to go off to the gym or something normally, but I can't be bothered today I'm already in my pjs. And I know he wants to see me to give me my birthday presents.

Just in the talking about us trying again and how sorry he is Peaches

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 13/09/2017 17:48

I know I just need to get a massive grip! It's just not happening for me right now.

OP posts:
annielouise · 13/09/2017 18:16

These feelings will come in waves. Bit by bit the waves won't be as low or as high. You just have to ride them out and see how you feel when the dust settles. In another week or two you might start at uni and feel happier/stronger. It's up to you if you want to give him another chance. As you say though it'll never be the same. There's a world out there. He's not the only one that can make you happy. What an idiot he is, risking it all.

Assburgers · 13/09/2017 18:56

:( you're doing really well, OP. The adrenaline has to run out sooner or later, and you're going to have crashes like this.

I don't know if it has been mentioned already: Whose surname does your baby have? If she is still under a year I think you can change it, if needed.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 13/09/2017 19:38

I know it's all so new still, so I should have expected this. But I felt so sure at first that I couldn't forgive him, now I think the reality of what that actually means is hitting me. I'll be a single mum at 20, my daughter will never have a full sibling if any, everything I thought and hoped for the future is changed.
And now I can't help but think of every lovely thing he's ever done. I miss him so much, he's here now and I'm having to hide in my room so I don't tell him that!

OP posts:
RidingRossPoldark · 13/09/2017 20:44

Bless you, emboo. Ref Reality-That all maybe true but it was not your decision, it was made for you. It isn't going to get better overnight but you WILL have a happy family again one day with or without a partner. You sound lovely and I bet you will find love again. Your folks seem wonderful and you've got support-you'll get thought this-believe it. You are so so young, take each day as it comes, enjoy Uni, see where things land...hang in there

Teebird669 · 13/09/2017 21:38

My heart goes out to you..having that awful feel in the pit of your stomach..you will have strong days and weak days and this is one of those weak times...please try and stay strong..you're too level headed and wise to be weak for long..my dh works away m-f and ive had gut feeling for a while that something is not right but can't say why i feel this way and i have no (apparant) reason to feel this way..after reading your post I'm hoping i am just being paranoid/stupid and have nothing to fear!..
Good luck to you and your Dd..thank goodness you have a wonderful supportive family. X

Ts27 · 13/09/2017 22:10

I'm so sorry to read what he's done to you OP. I would take as long as you need to decide on what to do. He f**d up big time, and you may never get over it but you may decide to give it another chance in a few months time. I did with an ex and I'm afraid it was never the same and I lost trust and fell out of love. Give yourself time, things will become clearer and you will know what to do. Hope all went ok tonight.

Teabay · 14/09/2017 05:53

You'll be ok in the end OP as you are a smart lady - even in five years you'll be watching your DD go to school thinking "wow, didn't I do well"!!

FluffyWhiteTowels · 14/09/2017 07:02

Emboo you have so much busyness going on at the moment with the dreadful news. Starting uni. Holidaying with DD without your OH. No wonder you will have bad days.

Take time. Speak with your family. They sound so lovely and supportive. Your DD has an amazing mum. You will in time feel what's right. Take care

SandyY2K · 14/09/2017 07:20

You'll have ups and downs as you go through this. That's normal.

I hope DD is feeling better now.

Let him no you don't want to talk about 'us'. That door has closed and you aren't in a place of considering reconciliation.

It doesn't mean you can't ever consider it in the future, but he has to really understand the magnitude of his actions.

Can I ask, has he apologised to your parents for hurting you?

Original poster
Emboo19 · 14/09/2017 08:43

Thank you all.
I'm feeling a bit better this morning, we did talk last night. Well I kinda ranted at him, really. He knew I was upset, obviously. But I hadn't really gone mad at him or let him know how actually heartbroken I am. I was hoping to just get that out of my system with friends or family, so we could keep things civil and reasonably friendly. I went completely against that last night and although I think I needed to get it out of my system, I'm not proud of the way I did it or some of things I said. I was pretty cruel!

He didn't really say anything in response, but I had started the conversation saying if he apologised one more time there was a good chance I'd actually kill him. He looked completely broken though and I'm not entirely sure what we do now. Ideally we wouldn't see each other at least for a while, but that's obviously not possible with a child involved.

Anyway today I'm meeting some friends who went to the same uni last year that I'm starting this. We're having lunch and they know the best freshers events and stuff so I'm hoping to let my hair down a bit next week and really enjoy freshers like a proper student! He's officially got DD for the whole week next week, although I can't do all week without seeing her yet (I know he had to last week, but I've been her primary carer and I wasn't the one who cheated!) so it will be on a quite informal way, not sure exactly how it will work though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 14/09/2017 08:46

Sorry Assburgers I missed that yesterday, she has my surname.

He's spoke to my dad a fair bit Sandy, not sure exactly what he's said though, my dad's not saying and I'm not asking yet. He's not spoken to my mum and I think it's best he doesn't for now.

OP posts:
clumsyduck · 14/09/2017 09:26

Just want to say I think your doing amazing op you will be amazing at uni you sound a very intelligent level headed young woman !!!

You will have these moments were you have a wobble but you have 100% done the right thing !! Your ex isn't a totally bad person he's just messed up big time but I'm sure he will continue to be a good dad .

You have your whole life ahead of you there is no point "settling" age 20 for someone you probably won't ever totally trust again and always having it at the back of your mind and influencing your emotions , well there is no point settling at any age to be honest !!

I found myself single and pregnant at 24 after ex cheated on me it felt like the end of the world at first but I grew up so much in the following years and did so much more with my life than I ever did with him or imagined I could do !! Best decision ever leaving him !!

You will be the same , enjoy uni !! Flowers

Mumek · 14/09/2017 09:31

My heart breaks for you Emboo. I know no one on here agrees with this BUT I would give him another chance........you obviously love each other.You can get over this (it will take a lot of time). I was in a similar position many years ago and have no regrets whatsoever of forgiving. Now when I have my husband and grown up children and grandchildren around the dinner table I am so thankful that I was able to forgive. Talk to your Mum and Dad and his parents - they know him and can give you better advice than some of us who don't know either of you.

Whinesalot · 14/09/2017 10:05

If he didn't know then what he stood to lose, he really does now.

I think you could get over this. He knows you wouldn't ever forgive him again. He's realised he's screwed up big time. In fact you could come out of this even stronger as a couple given time - if he is genuinely remorseful, which it sounds like he is.

An ongoing affair I could never forgive. A one off, drunken, one night stand that is instantly regretted, might be worth forgiving, given that he now knows what a complete idiot he's been.
Only you know the situation. Only you can decide if it is worth giving him another chance or not. You wouldn't be wrong either way.