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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hotel booking on DP's online banking

402 replies

Emboo19 · 30/08/2017 08:12

Just been onto the online banking to transfer some money from DP's account to our joint one (he knows I'm doing this). He's the one who signed up to the online banking but he gave me log in details and I can see the joint account and his own account, my own account is with a different bank. (Sorry going on a bit, just want to explain how I've seen what I've see).

Anyway, usually he just transfers any money I need from his mobile, but he's busy and said for me to log on and do it, I'm going holiday shopping today and needed some extra. Then this part I'm not proud of.....it's my birthday soon and I had a sneaky look at his recent transactions, to try see what he's bought me (I know that's really, really bad!)
I noticed last week there's a payment to a hotel, which is the same hotel he's staying in at the moment, he's working away. His hotel is paid for by his work, but they share so two men to a room. The charge is the same as a double room for one night at that hotel.

Is there any possible explanation (other than the obvious) that he'd have for booking his own room for a night? I really can't think of one right now, but then I'm struggling to think of anything other than killing him right now!
And how do I speak to him about it? Wait until he's home Friday or ask over the phone?

OP posts:
Peaches77 · 01/09/2017 21:28

Are you going to a regular place you's both socialise in?

BackInTheRoom · 01/09/2017 23:28

Emboo, you're remarkably sensible and mature for your age. I'm so impressed how you're handling all of this. You seem to have worked him out and your child arrangements and finances so quickly. All I hope is that you don't change your mind but of course that's entirely your shout but I take my hat off to you for having clear and consistent boundaries and they will stand you in good stead in the years to come 😊

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 02/09/2017 00:17

Emboo I'm incredibly impressed with how you've handled yourself over this. You're very sure-footed and clear headed which makes DD very lucky indeed to have you as a role model. You'll be very successful at uni and anything you turn your mind to afterwards.

A thought on the Australian trip - could you use Skype? Some of my family have just completed a huge trip with multiple time zones and the kids stayed in contact daily on Skype and it seemed to work really well.

Garlicansapphire · 02/09/2017 00:24

I know this is off the point but I'd never want to share a room with a work colleague.

SweetLuck · 02/09/2017 02:12

Oh god Garlic, I so know what you mean. I could not look them in the eye after they'd heard me snoring Blush

Original poster
Emboo19 · 02/09/2017 08:53

Yes Peaches it was places we'd often go. The younger people in our area tend to go to the same local places, so usually always see people you know. He wasn't out though, some of his friends were and they said he was a idiot and bought me a few drinks. My friend was in charge of my phone, so I couldn't do any drunk calling or texting to him, but I didn't actually feel tempted at all.

I knew I had to sort it quickly Bibbidee for one I always told him if he cheated it was over, and I wanted to stick to that. And I knew if I delayed it, it would be too easy to slip into our normal routine and kind of forgive him by default. That's why I don't want us emeshed in anyway other than our daughter obviously.

If it wasn't over Christmas I'd consider it Been but I think him missing the whole of the Christmas period is just too much. Plus I think in theory he could be funny about it and say I can't take her, I really don't want us to get like that though.

My heart absolutely bleeds for them, having to share rooms and listening to each other snore Garlic and Sweet all while they concocted ways to cheat on their wife's and girlfriends.

And on a lovely positive note, I'm going to the sexual health clinic for tests today. I'm making him come as well. I don't see why I should suffer that humiliation myself and at the moment he's willing to do anything I ask. I know that's unlikely to last though.

OP posts:
emilybrontescorset · 02/09/2017 09:40

Op just wishing you well.
There's nothing to be ashamed of at the health clinic, although you are obviously embarrassed.
I had to be tested under similar circumstances to you once.
The doctor/ nurse who saw me was convinced I must have been there for a smear test!
That made it more embarrassing as I had to explain that no I needed an STD test due to my ex's sexual behaviour!
Anyhow it was fine as I'm sure you will be.

SandyY2K · 02/09/2017 11:52

How would your dad feel about being on a flight with him? A long flight at that.

I have to say it again, you are so very sensible for your age. Very decisive and no faffing about.

It comes across to me, that you have seen a healthy relationship from your parents and that's invaluable in making choices in your own relationships.

Original poster
Emboo19 · 02/09/2017 17:23

Probably really uncomfortable Sandy but I think it would be worse for him than my dad. They got on really well, lots of shared interests and ex doesn't see his own dad, so really looked up to mine. When I said he had to tell him what he'd done, he was begging me not to make him do it.

He's collected DD for his time now and I hate it! I feel lost without her and the thought of this being every weekend is killing me.
My parents are out and one of my best friends has gone away today and the others working. I'm really having to fight to stop myself calling him and asking him to bring her home or if I can go there to them.

OP posts:
annielouise · 02/09/2017 17:40

It's hard now but it'll get easier. When you start your course you'll be glad of the time to get on with coursework. If you can use that time and get everything done when she is with you you can then concentrate on her. You'll still have plenty of time with her.

Even if you do end up getting back together it'll be good for him to experience how bleak it can be being a single parent having shit the relationship away so stay strong. Your feelings will be muddying the waters a bit about what you really want.

BeauMirchoff · 02/09/2017 17:43

Oh lovely, this must be so hard for you. Maybe try to do something nice for yourself in that time that DD is away? Watch a film, have a cuppa?
You're so strong. And you'll be a wonderful role model for your daughter and teach her that she doesn't have to settle for a cheating bastard. That she deserves better. Just like you do.
Big hugs Flowers

Original poster
Emboo19 · 02/09/2017 18:02

It's silly, he's had her alone overnight before and we've left her with my parents and his mum and I've been fine. But the fact that, he's got her because we aren't together, just feels so weird and wrong. I know she's fine and I know he'll be taking good care of her, but I want to message and check, I want to know what he's doing, what he's feeding her. I'm not usually like that either.

I'm looking through instagram and can't decide if I should delete photos of us together or not and then I'm looking at photos of the three of us and I feel like my heart is just breaking.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 02/09/2017 18:35

It's hard at first-it's such a change in your routine. But it definitely gets easier.

Gemini69 · 02/09/2017 18:36

OP do nothing with your photos at the moment.. take some time and consider these things later Flowers

Mumek · 02/09/2017 18:36

I know I'm going against what everyone is advising but it is very obvious that you really love him (hate what he's done) I personally feel that everyone is allowed one mistake and I'm sure he's learnt his lesson. I have been with my DH for over 50 years met when I was 16 and married at 20 - he made one 'mistake' 40 years ago . Eventually I forgave him and we worked it through and we have had a wonderful life and I know that I made the right decision. So please don't throw it all away without thinking it through. But make him suffer. Don't delete the photos for at least 6 months.

Thinking of you and sending big hugs.

SalamiSandwich · 02/09/2017 19:11

He's learnt his lesson? In the five minutes since the OP has found out?

Mumek · 02/09/2017 19:46

Salami - I expected to be slated but I am just passing on my own experience....you may not agree...which I understand...but that's life.

stardust18 · 02/09/2017 19:51

Emboo19
You sound like a wonderful, levelheaded girl who's putting her daughter first. It sounds like your dealing with it the best you can.i cried reading this my heart breaks for you.
What a total dickhead your x is.
I wish you lots of luck in the future and happiness.Flowers

Original poster
Emboo19 · 02/09/2017 20:04

I appreciate what you're saying Mumek and I'm glad it worked out did you. BUT....yes I love him, but I can't trust him now. He's been on two stag do's this year and all I keep thinking is did he cheat then. If he could do it 4 years in when things were really good, we had a great sex life, both had time for our friends and interests, lovely holidays planned, weekends away and nights out for the two of us, then how can I trust he won't if things are difficult? If our next child didn't sleep and we never got a break, if we lose jobs or get ill or any other number of problems couples face.

He text earlier to say DD was ready for bed and did I want him to FaceTime so I could say good night, it was so difficult seeing him with her in the bedroom we decorated, with the bedding I chose.
And I won't lie, I've thought about just going back and I think it would actually be easier in the short term but long term no, it wouldn't work.

His brothers on his way round with a takeaway and bottle of wine (we're really good friends) and we've agreed a no talking about him rule.

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 02/09/2017 20:06

For you not did!

OP posts:
Original poster
Emboo19 · 02/09/2017 20:09

On a slight plus, he's looked very rough every time I've seen him and his friend said he's embarrassed to go out, as he knows everyone thinks he's a idiot.
So I take some comfort in the fact he's hurting as well.

OP posts:
mirialis · 02/09/2017 20:31

Of course he's hurting, as are you (and as DD would be were you not doing such a sterling job of protecting her). He's essentially taken a machete to your relationship with the cheating AND the lying about it, knowing you had a 'no tolerance' rule. I see where Mumek is coming from but even if you don't want to delete the photos (I am a ruthless deleter/binner personally because I can't stop myself from 'picking the scab'), hide them and just focus on you and DD for the next 6 months. This is your first relationship. It is more intense than most because you have a child together. But you owe it to yourself to focus on you and uni and all the adventures you have coming up before you could even think about whether there is a chance of starting a whole new relationship with this person - one thing's for sure, you can never go back to the old one.

annielouise · 02/09/2017 20:48

He'll hurt for the rest of his life over this, as he threw away something good, while I don't think you will. I wouldn't be surprised when he realises you're not going back that he has a string of casual relationships (and possibly doesn't hide them from you to hurt you as much as he's hurting) whereas I think you're far more mature. He realises now deeply what he's lost and he will realise it more and more over the years - when he sees you succeed at uni, when he sees you succeed at a career, when he sees you eventually meeting someone worthy of you and having a successful career. I think you were both too young - for this relationship now. Him far more than you though.

annielouise · 02/09/2017 20:49

Have a successful "relationship" I mean, not successful "career".

Mumek · 02/09/2017 21:38

My heart is breaking for you Emboo and I think you are both lovely people - he's been a total idiot . Talk to his brother about him - he'll be the elephant in the room anyway . Talk to his Mum and Dad as well. I'm not saying you should just accept it all and go back to him but do what feels best for you and your DD - but don't look back on any decision with regret. Miralis, you are so right - it will have to be a total new relationship further down the line.