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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Hotel booking on DP's online banking

402 replies

Emboo19 · 30/08/2017 08:12

Just been onto the online banking to transfer some money from DP's account to our joint one (he knows I'm doing this). He's the one who signed up to the online banking but he gave me log in details and I can see the joint account and his own account, my own account is with a different bank. (Sorry going on a bit, just want to explain how I've seen what I've see).

Anyway, usually he just transfers any money I need from his mobile, but he's busy and said for me to log on and do it, I'm going holiday shopping today and needed some extra. Then this part I'm not proud of.....it's my birthday soon and I had a sneaky look at his recent transactions, to try see what he's bought me (I know that's really, really bad!)
I noticed last week there's a payment to a hotel, which is the same hotel he's staying in at the moment, he's working away. His hotel is paid for by his work, but they share so two men to a room. The charge is the same as a double room for one night at that hotel.

Is there any possible explanation (other than the obvious) that he'd have for booking his own room for a night? I really can't think of one right now, but then I'm struggling to think of anything other than killing him right now!
And how do I speak to him about it? Wait until he's home Friday or ask over the phone?

OP posts:

BannedFromNarnia · 02/09/2017 21:42

Could we make it work? Yes probably. But it wouldn't be amazing and maybe I'm showing my youthfulness but I want amazing.

Emboo, I commented early on in this and am just catching up. Can I just say, that with this comment from you I've just quoted: you're a fucking hero.

Seriously. You're the hero of your own life here. You can still change your mind if you want to and you think it's right, but honestly: you aren't showing youthfulness here, you're showing real insight into your own needs.

You are going to have a wonderful rest of your life and I can tell already that you're going to navigate all this mess with grace and maturity and your DD will have a better life for it.

I don't know if this is helpful to you or not, but it struck me as I was reading what happened that your now-ex seems to have been in a situation where cheating was normalised and not cheating became a hard moral choice. I actually discussed it with my DH - I asked him if he'd ever been in a similar situation, where cheating was going on and men were covering up for each other. He was disgusted at the thought that any of our or his friends would ever be anything other than horrified with themselves for doing anything like this, and the idea that they'd ever cover up for each other produced a really horrified reaction. This is all entirely consistent with how I'd expect our friends, his friends and his colleagues to behave.

I'm just mentioning this because I want you to know that whilst he'd obviously fallen in with a bad lot and not been strong enough to tread his own path, there are people - there are men - out there that would not make this sort of cheating a normal thing.

I don't know if that's useful or not but it might be hope for a more wonderful future partner.

Mumek · 02/09/2017 21:49

Well said 'BannedfromNarnia.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 02/09/2017 21:57

The photos are instagram ones, in my peer group deleting couple photos is announcing you've spilt up, bit like changing facebook relationship status. That's what I was debating, they'd still be on my phone.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 02/09/2017 22:09

You raise awareness valid point about cheating when the going is good.
It makes you wonder what would happen when there are actually problem.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 02/09/2017 22:14

I'm prepared that might happen annie

That's what's so annoying BannedFromNarnia he never liked the work mentality and he'd tell me about some of the things with disgust. I've seen evidence in messages to him that he wasn't involved in it, back then. He's pretty easy going so got on with them but never really had 'work friends' would only really go out for Xmas.
He only really became friends with a few of them after we had DD. And I was really glad, he was making 'dad' friends. Since then he's been going out a bit more with them and went on ones stag do etc.

His home friends are not like that at all and they are really disgusted with him.

I'd never have thought of him as one to get caught up in peer pressure at all. Then I'd never have him as a cheat either.

His brother's been saying that he's (my ex) always worried I'd realise I was to good for him. He thinks me going to uni has had him worried or something. I'm not sure what he thought cheating would achieve in that regard though!

OP posts:

Peaches77 · 02/09/2017 23:21

Don't listen to that shit. That is trying to make an excuse for him doing it it is balls.

Anyway you have proven that you are too good for him. Your other threads gave me the impression that he was a bit of a mark wright character anyway...popular lad etc. You're not from Essex are you?

You are making the right choice you are only 19 why spend your life with a cheat you and your DD deserve more. As good a dad he is I feel when someone cheats and a child is involved they are cheating on the whole'family' x

BannedFromNarnia · 02/09/2017 23:33

I want to be really clear that I'm not excusing what he's done. He's been appalling and I would also get shot of him - like you, I could not deal with the loss of trust.

I don't disbelieve his brother either. I just think it's important to understand the reasons behind people's behaviour to help us understand future situations. Being insecure and weak are reasons - they're also not excuses or reasons to take him back.

My heart is aching for you but also I know you've totally got this.

HeddaGarbled · 02/09/2017 23:36

Just going back to one of your previous posts, you don't want your daughter going to him every weekend. It's more normal to do alternate weekends and then one or two nights in the week. That way, you both get full weekends with your daughter.

Original poster

Emboo19 · 03/09/2017 09:58

Not from Essex Peaches77 and he's definitely not a mark wright type, he'd be mortified at that.

His brother isn't defending him at all or making excuses for him. It was something that came up quite organically, when I was saying how confident he is and I wouldn't expect him to do something to fit in. He was saying he's not always as confident as you'd think and we were talking about things from when we first started going out, that I've never known.

DD is only 11 months Hedda she's still breastfeeding although she happily takes a bottle of expressed milk. We both agree that staying away from home more than one night isn't the best thing for her. He can't do overnights though the week. Sometimes he's away from home anyway, but even if not he leaves at around 6.30, to drop her to me he'd add an extra 30 mins travel to his morning and he'd be leaving the house at 6am with her, he's often not home until after 6, so he'd be doing all that to take her home, bath and put her to bed. He's seeing her here two nights to do bedtime, if he finished earlier (doesn't work same/set shifts) he'll take her to the park or visit his mum or something, then bring her back for bed.
If he's away from home and we did every other weekend he'd potentially not see her for a fortnight, so he in particular wants the one night a weekend and I don't like the idea of not seeing her all weekend either.

He loves her and he is a good dad, now! He really struggled though and he's not a natural father. I'd be surprised if he ever pushes for more time, and he's happy to agree to me having Xmas and birthdays etc as long as he can see her for a bit.
I know that could change either way, only time will tell really.

OP posts:

Heyx · 03/09/2017 10:07

Op can I ask are you the poster whose partner only wanted a relationship with you and nothing to do with his baby daughter? Please be careful about so much child contact if so especially if he is going to be on his own with her. Can you really trust him with her?

Original poster

Emboo19 · 03/09/2017 10:32

Yes Heyx but it was more complicated than that and he sorted himself out. He's completely different with her now and that's made all this so much harder.

I've never not trusted him with her though, even then.

OP posts:

Wanderlust1984 · 03/09/2017 11:01

Just thought I'd drop in here, no advice to offer as you've got it covered!! But just wanted to say I'm 15 years older than you OP and I am in total awe of your level-headedness, your resolve and how you're dealing with the situation. Totally agree with the comment that you're a fucking hero. I envy you, you fucking go girl! What an amazing example you are to your daughter

Trampoline11 · 03/09/2017 11:50

No advice to offer either, but did want to say Wow! I wish I'd had your wisdom and maturity at 19. I would have saved an awful lot of trouble for myself! Go girl. Enjoy Uni and whatever you decide, good luck.

Trampoline11 · 03/09/2017 11:50

Trampoline11 · 03/09/2017 12:06

Why has that posted 3 times?! How do I delete?

flutterby12 · 03/09/2017 14:50

You're amazing OP. What a role-model you are to your DD

Original poster

Emboo19 · 03/09/2017 17:04

Thank you all for the praise and wise words. I don't feel particularly strong or amazing and it's really hard not to questions myself and my decisions. So being able to read my own comments back and others has really helped me.

My baby is home and having snuggles, she's had a lovely time with her daddy and he's stuck to her usual routine and everything we discussed. I was brought chocolate this time, but he said that was from DD.

I've been shopping with my mum today to get stuff to decorate mine and DD's rooms here, she's currently in mine but my dads been clearing out the spare room for her today. My lovely grandad is going to come paint them both when we're on holiday.

OP posts:

Peaches77 · 03/09/2017 17:08

I was reading your old threads as parts of this thread has made me feel a bit sorry for ur bf but more sorry for due to the huge fuxk uphe has made.
But really he had it kind of cushy when DD was born you's didn't live together he cous go out when he wanted and keep his hobbies Etc. I don't say this to hurt you but I don't think that girl has been the first. You are doing 100% the right thing here let him bring chocolate and flowers he thinks he will eventually win you round. Run and don't look back x

Original poster

Emboo19 · 03/09/2017 19:35

To be fair to him Peaches he's always encouraged me to go out and carry on my hobbies and if I ever asked him to stay home he would do, no questions.
He's said today that he's changed his week off (seen as he's not coming now) to freshers week, so I won't have to worry about childcare for DD and I can fully enjoy it.
My mum thinks he's hoping I sleep with someone else and then think we're even and I'll take him back, but then he could rescue a newborn baby from a fire right now and my mum would think he'd started it! She's not his biggest fan right now.

I don't think I'll ever know for certain if it was the first time or not. That's a big reason why I can't forgive him.
His brother swears he doesn't know of any thing happening any other time, so I don't think it as with his home friends. But don't know about work.
I'm concentrating on the future though, no point trying to remember every time he's been out or away and wondering if he cheated or not. I'm going away soon and looking forward to some sun and then I'll be starting uni, so I'll be busy, busy!

OP posts:

mirialis · 03/09/2017 22:12

Ultimately, he had sex with a woman and then came back to you and DD and pretended it hadn't happened and then lied - he didn't confess, you caught him out.

I so know that people are looking at you guys and thinking you're so young and that "transgressions" of this kind are inevitable and forgivable because you are young... but just wanted to reiterate that you deserve to have a relationship with someone who is your equal; he is not that person.

Peaches77 · 03/09/2017 22:47

You are doing amazing. I know you are good friends with his brother but speaking from experience here...me and an ex dp had the same group of friends girls and boys....the boys all went on stag weekends and it wasn't until my ex dp stag weekend a mutual friend who hadn't been before went. Well he came back and told what had actually went on hence why he's an ex dp. There were people on that stag who were, I thought, my best friends and they had encouraged it. Just be careful who you are listening too...they will always have one of your interests more at heart than the other x

Original poster

Emboo19 · 03/09/2017 23:20

That's exactly what I keep thinking mirialis if I didn't look at his account, I wouldn't have known. Would he have then, thought he could get away with again.....I'll never know.

I know my friendship with his brother can seem odd Peaches but I think if it came to picking sides, he be on mine. They don't get on, not arguing or anything just not close.
His brothers very much in the camp of don't forgive him, he's not trying to make him look not so bad so I give it another go.

OP posts:

RoseOfSharyn · 04/09/2017 01:52

Holy Shit OP!
I have only just read this, but I'd like to give you a standing ovation and a bloody hard hug!

You are amazing. From your posting style, the way you articulate yourself, your strength and especially your maturity over putting your daughter first, I actually had you down as a woman twice your age.

Could we make it work? Yes probably. But it wouldn't be amazing and maybe I'm showing my youthfulness but I want amazing.I won't make do, I deserve much better than that.

This comment really struck me. What You have said does not in any way indicate youthfulness, it indicates a headstrong, independent woman who is going to be a role-model to their daughter and understands what they want from the rest of their life, even when they are at their most vulnerable. And I promise you there are women in their 40s, 50s, 60s..... who haven't yet worked this out yet. But you have already. And you've got the rest of your life ahead of you.

Enjoy uni. Have fun, make friends, but also study hard and get where you want to be for you and your daughter.

(And hats off to your mega supportive parents too!)

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