Emotionally drained.

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

It's not petty and desperate it's standing up for yourself.
I can tell you right now that my dp would never dream of taking a holiday without us!! Never mind 4. Yes he is away the odd time for courses for his business but at most he is away 3- 4 days and we speak on face time every day etc.
You need rl support and to stop being ashamed and embarrassed of him and his behaviour. Im sure his own mum would be mortified if she had any decency in her!

Baffling.

what do you want to do. Do you want to be permanently in a relationship like this or not. Its as simple as that. If you do fine if you dont there is plenty you can do.

You said you wanted genuine advice, and that's what you've had, but you have an answer or excuse for everything, and you have a reason that every bit of good advice provided is dead wrong. So what are you really after here? Commiseration? Not likely. Advice on how to make him change? He never, ever will.

"I am aware that there is ways, but I can't do anything if he doesn't agree with it."

Are you not in the UK? Because what you've said here is completely untrue in the UK. The courts can enforce anything they decide, and with you as obvious sole primary carer... you'll get more than you think.

Healthy families do not take separate holidays. Healthy fathers don't trot off on holidays "alone". Healthy couples DO argue, have it out, speak their own minds, make compromises; not arguing is very unhealthy. Healthy couples express love outside of sex. Healthy couples spend time together, and they do it because they want to, not out of some obligation.

You've been told repeatedly that you are being used and abused - a textbook case - and you refuse to entertain even the possibility that this may be reality. I don't know if we can help you until you are ready to help yourself.

@Quartz2208 - I have acceptable that he is not going to change, it just feels as if I am stuck with him.
@JWrecks - I created this thread to ask for advice on how to discuss how I am feeling, I got some great advice, I spoke to him he said he would change. He changed for a few days, now things are back to usual you have no idea how I am feeling inside, the advice people have given is advice that I can't act on straight away.

I have spoken to my mum today, I told her that he is going away she asked if I wanted her to come over a help, it shouldn't be down to her as she has her own life and she lives pretty far away, I have asked my brother if he wants to come over and stay he said he did, which will be good for DS as they get on very well.

Do you go on family holidays or days out at all

You can do something you can reiterate that this is not normal (and telling him this is not petty or desperate) and he needs to figure out when he is away what he wants does he want to be single or part of a family. Because being part of a family is taking on chores, doing stuff as a family and going on holiday as a family. If he chooses to be single then fine you will live int he same roof in different rooms and he can do his own chores.

He doesnt talk to you, he tells you to leave rooms, the only time he interacts I bet is when he wants sex

This is such a sad thread.

You say you love this man, but he doesn't love you. He treats you (and his DS) with no more regard than he would a domestic appliance. What a miserable, joyless, degrading existence it must be.

Do you really and truly think this is better than being on your own?

I understand that you are in a difficult situation and that we probably don't have the full picture of everything that's going on, but can you explain what your long-term plans are? Are you planning to leave in the not too distant future?

This situation will impact on your mental health if you let it continue indefinitely.

@Quartz2208 - We did use to go regular holidays together and spend a lot of time out of the house together (like I keep saying things haven't always been this way) We do talk but it's always brief - never a full on conversation and we share a bed together so obviously sex happens. If I didn't want to have it with him I wouldn't.
@Cambionme - I have explained everything that is going on, I do not know what my long term plans are and I am not planning to leave the new house, that's where me and my two children will be living.

He returned home this afternoon with gifts for DS (what he has done each time he has gone away) he thinks they make up for the lost time.

Right so he has emotionally checked out at some point of your relationship, completely and totally. But at the moment his physical needs are being met and you are not questioning him. He comes and goes as he like because he has checked out

@Quartz2208 - I guess you are right, well he has left now, the reason I can't think about things right now is because it will only cause stress, and I don't want to cause the baby any stress.

@NotTheFordType - I don't understand why you didn't address me. You don't know my mum she is the most supportive person I know.

When I was younger did you live in my household? Because I don't remember seeing you I don't know you nor do you know me.

I have a great childhood, I never ever see or heard my dad disrespect my mum. All I saw was love.

So don't ever think you have the right to make accusations about my childhood, how dare you.

People are making accusations, OP, because they just can't understand why you are staying in this horrible relationship.

It just isn't necessary to put up with an unsatisfactory relationship like this - you seem to feel that you are totally stuck, but you aren't, honestly. Be brave and look positively to the future.

@Cambionome - I would never make that type of accusation because I know how hurtful it could come across as.

I don't want to tell my mum because she is going to be upset that I have kept it to myself, I am usually "the sensible one"

Actually I suspect the opposite is true you saw such a balanced well loved relationship between your parents that you want that for yourself and are desperate to have it with him. But I dont think you can he is not treating you like a caring nice man would.

Very few fathers would go away on holiday for 10 days at the start of Year 1 (holiday not business trip). Very few fathers would go on holiday without their children more than once.

So he has left now for 10 days right at the beginning of Year 1 for your son no wonder he is anxious.

As for your anxiety and stress, how much does he cause. I know you dont want to leave because of the anxiety and stress but how much would you have without him.

How did you leave it does he have any idea?

@Quartz2208 - I have always suffered from anxiety, that's why I think my son is developing it as well, DP is causing me a lot of anxiety due to the fact I don't know how I am going to cope when the new baby is here.

He asked me if I wanted a hug I declined then he left, he doesn't have any idea but he knows I'm not happy.

Yes, " baffling" is the only word for this situation.

I know he will own half of the new house but can you not say it's over as he's mentally checked out of the relationship and treating the house as a hotel and then discuss him not moving into the new house.
From your updates, it looks like he will never change.

@altiara - Me telling him it's over will not stop him from moving in with us.

Sweetheart please please tell your mum.
She would be really upset that you felt you could not tell her what was going on. She will be a great support for you and your DS.

Forget always being the sensible one, everyone does a bit wrong at times. If you were my daughter l would want to know.

This guy needs a shock. He is killing you with neglect. I think the holidays and not bothering with treats he promises are indefensible.

Have you considered saying 'No' about the holidays? My ex and I had a deal - he had a short cycling hol with pals and a main hol with us. There is no way I would have accepted what you have. Stop trying to 'solve' this bloke. He has you on the run. What is it he has over you? Are you terrified of it ending? Should you be really? You "trust" him? Really? This man does not care about your happiness AT ALL. You "love" him - why? What's there to love? Where is the love? - If love is as love does? Or is it that you are always left wanting that keeps you attached? This is not a good relationship and I'm sorry I don't think it will change. Your DP has ALL the cards and he will not give them up when you have granted them for so long and so completely.

I would say ask him to leave tomorrow, but you know what? I bet he wouldn't put up much of a fight. Personally I think this is covert abuse.

Get out - while you have some sanity. You are emotionally drained because he has drained you - IT IS abuse.

sorry- I know I've been tough.

I did miss the post where you said it hadn't always been this way. This stuff does happen gradually, doesn't make it less alarming. Shake him the fuck up.

The situation is as follows - He doesn't spend enough time with us, he has taken numerous holidays without us. I have tried to speak to him, he did change for a few days. I can not leave him as we have bought a house together

Well then, that is your life. If you cannot leave him that is it. Because he will not change. You know that in reality. I know you also want a fairy with a wand to come down and turn him back into the man you thought he was when you got pregnant the first time but you also know that will not happen.

I was also really struck by this comment you made:

Why aren't we married... he did ask me and speak about it a lot before he changed, but I wasn't ready to make that commitment, marriage is something that I would have to be 100% sure about.

You need 100 percent commitment to have a wedding ring but you had two children with him?? Seriously? Start thinking about what commitment really means.

I feel for you but honestly, feel more for your 2 small children than I do for either of the adults in this mess of a relationship/situation. At least you have a choice - because you do - even though you are at pains to say you don't. you do. Your children don't poor things.

Tell your mum, his mum and get legal advice

And stop doing anything for him