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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally drained.

363 replies

LoyaltyAndLobster · 28/08/2017 20:13

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 07/09/2017 07:43

Do you have any say at all over anything in your house or your relationship op?

It doesn't seem like you do to me.

Does that not worry you?

He does as he likes. You go along with it.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 10:02

I have spoken to my mum, it is something that I never wanted to do but two things triggered it this morning.

He sent a taxi to pick up DS, as if I'm not capable of taking him on my own.
And DS also started crying on the way to school because he is going to miss dad. So I had to go in and explain to his teacher.

My mum was more upset that I have kept it all to myself, she told me to call his mum and dad.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/09/2017 10:07

Great advice from your mum. Now you have taken the first step its a good thing

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 10:16

@Quartz2208 - I am going to call them soon.

OP posts:
AncoraAmarena · 07/09/2017 10:26

@LoyaltyAndLobster I am so pleased you've confided in your mum, hopefully it eases the weight you've been carrying a little.

Yes, do ring his parents. I hope they can support you in some way.

You're on the way to dealing with this - it won't be easy but you can do it, you sound like you're a strong woman.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 10:50

Thank you Flowers

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 11:44

I have just spoken to his mum she got very upset on the phone, she wanted to know why I have been protecting him for so long, I said because I didn't want to embarrass him. She said that once he is back from holiday she want us both to come round to the house.

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 07/09/2017 11:48

Well done OP. I think you have made the right decision in telling his mum. Enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts, im sure when he's back there will be a lot of stress but I think your headed in the right direction now. He cant get away with how he's treating his family any longer, maybe telling his mum is the key to changing that.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 16:29

@GlitterSparkles17 - Thank you although I am not going to get my hopes up and I don't think he is going to be too pleased about me telling his mum.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/09/2017 16:41

The thing is though if he thinks he is doing nothing wrong why should it matter? But he hasn't told his mum because he knows it is wrong

When is he back and when are you moving

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 17:16

We move on the 19th he is back two days before.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/09/2017 18:00

Where does his mum think he is

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 18:21

Quartz2208 - His mum knows he is on holiday.

OP posts:
GlitterSparkles17 · 07/09/2017 18:47

No he won't be too please because he KNOWS he's in the wrong and treating you and his son like garbage, it's his little secret. Well he only has himself to blame for that doesn't he?

Quartz2208 · 07/09/2017 18:56

I meant before you told her did she know?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 19:27

@GlitterSparkles17 - Yes.
@Quartz2208 - Yes she did, he told her my mum would be coming over to stay with me (I never confirmed anything with him)

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 07/09/2017 20:39

Did she know about the others

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 20:48

@Quartz2208 - No

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 07/09/2017 20:51

Bloody hell so he has been minimising his behaviour to his own mother because he knows it's wrong. Stay strong and see this through, when he gets back it will either get very bumpy or he's going to try and be lovely and placate you into believing he can change. Then it will get bumpy. He won't change. They never ever do.

Remember though she is his mother and bloody is thicker than water and all that. I would be very surprised if she hasn't text him and told him what's going on.

jeaux90 · 07/09/2017 20:52

Besides that what asshole goes on holiday before moving house and comes back two days before.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 07/09/2017 20:58

@jeaux90 - I told her not to mention anything to him until he comes back, just let him enjoy his holiday because hopefully this will be the last one for a while. Do not call him that please, it's not nice and you don't have any right to say that. Yes I know it isn't wise of him coming back two days before we move, but there's nothing I can do.

OP posts:
BitOutOfPractice · 07/09/2017 21:21

You really are too nice op. And that's not necessarily a compliment. Where is your anger? Why aren't you furious? Because you should be. This man is taking you for a mug. I think he's got off lightly with asshole to be honest.

Cambionome · 07/09/2017 21:27

I'm not sure I would call you too "nice", op - more extraordinarily passive. I don't mean that in an unkind way, but I do think that 99 women out of 100 would have got angry by now. Do you have any thoughts as to why you are so accepting of his behaviour?

Quartz2208 · 07/09/2017 21:38

I agree you are so passive it's untrue. There is so much you could do and as a PP said most women would do.

Your description of his behaviour depicts a not particularly nice person. He does it because you let him get away with stuff no other woman would including his own mother

jeaux90 · 07/09/2017 21:52

I can call him an asshole because he really is treating you and your son like shit.