Emotionally drained.

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

OP, you're being a total doormat. However, I understand why you can't up and leave, you have too much invested in the new house financially. I would say that there is no reason though why you can't move in, have the baby then sell up. This bloke adds nothing to your life and is only upsetting your ds and you. He's not a parent, he's a twat. He contributes nothing to your life bar stress.

I assume he is a teacher? Some male teachers seem to be incredibly selfish. I knew two like this. Very odd men.

What an idiotic statement. You could substitute any profession for teachers.

So you've paid cash - half each? Well you still own that 50% regardless of whether you're in it or not!

I'm sorry but you NEED to be thinking that far ahead. Otherwise you may end up losing your kids.........

Sorry to be harsh but the school have already picked up on it. They can and WILL refer to Social Services. Who WILL pick up on the damage he's doing to your son. They don't take lightly to emotional damage.

Sorry but I clearly needed to be blunt

Hence my saying go and get proper legal advice. You need to do something. As said above esp now the school are potentially involved. They and you deserve better. You are going to have think that far ahead.

@HappylandToysEverywhere - This is the FIRST ever time my son has been upset in school, I am going to take him in little bit early tomorrow and I will speak to his teacher.

Be prepared for Ss to get involved if school have concerns about his home life.
Is your dp worth risking the loss of your dc??

Boatmistress17 - I am not the slight bit worried, my son isn't at a state school if they had any concerns about my child's home they would have spoken to me today about it when I collected it, I was told by his teacher that it isn't uncommon many children do get upset during the first days back as they need time to adjust back to school life - please do not try and scare me, social services would never have a reason to get involved, let alone try and take my child away.

It isn't only State Schools that have a Duty of Care to refer to SS if there's a concern. If this continues then the school will not tell you that they have referred.

SS have their own views on whether there is a risk to a child. Emotional harm such as what you yourself have described along with your steadfast resilience to do anything proactive to put your children first, is very, very much a reason to take your children away. 'Emotional Harm' is the most common reason for SS to apply to Court to obtain a Care Order.

I'm not trying to scare you, I'm giving you professional advice.

Chrissakes you lot - stop bullying the OP. When a woman comes onto this forum and shares about her heartbreak then have the fucking respect and decency to understand that this is a BIG thing in a REAL life. Someone is hurting here. Give her some space and support to process her huge hurt and shock.

You do NOT get to demand of and threaten someone about how they should be conducting their life. Have some shame. People come here to GET AWAY from that.

If you want to get your sodding issue-ridden judgeypants little boot in, then FUCK OFF back to AIBU or go and watch some more Eastenders.

Haffiana - Thank you very much, god bless you! - I know that I haven't done anything wrong nor is my son is danger and the school know that as well, my child has been at school for a year and this is the only time he has been upset, I asked him why he was upset and if he didn't want to tell me right away he can tell me tomorrow, please don't assume that it has something to do with DP.

Jesus Christ Haffiana calm down!

Nobody is bullying anyone! We are trying to help and are informing the OP of the risks involved if this continues. They are facts and the risks are very real. I speak from a professional point of view. Not a personal opinion

And who made threats?!?!

Please do NOT speak to me in that manner Haffiana.

It didn't come across too nice and it was uncalled for.

I mentioned my son got upset whilst in school today, I called DP and he came home... then you mentioned social services!

Abuse is not always obvious. It's not always shouting and punching.

Neglect is abuse. Ignoring is abuse. Refusing to engage is abuse. Treating you like an appliance is abuse.

Everything you've mentioned here is indeed both mental and emotional abuse, toward both you and your DC.

And I'm sorry, I can't seem to find it here... WHY does he go on so many holidays without you?

@JWrecks - I don't know... that's the truth! he goes with his friends.

Then you need to tell him he can't go. You need him at home with you and his son. Tell him that. It's either his jolly or his family. His response will tell all. If he wants a holiday it should be with his family.

Do you think he loves you and Ds
I think the problem is you are so close you can't see that it is abusive what he is doing, leaving just before Ds got home because you for once stood up to him.

Truthfully the fact you have never stopped him I think enables him to do it without needing to go further. If you said f you go it's over what would he do

This all sounds very weird to me.
How is this man able to afford all these holidays?
What kind of job gives him this much holiday leave?
I just fail to understand a single thing about this situation.

He was up early this morning, although he never helped get DS ready for school as we were leaving he decided that he wanted to come too; after we dropped him off he suggested we go and do some shopping and it will be "nice to spend the day together" I told just told him to take me home, and I'm sick and tired of doing things only when he wants to do things, he went on to say that he is trying and why do I have to be difficult!

@Hairgician - I don't have any right to tell him that he can't go on holiday, the same if I was taking a holiday he would never say that I can't go, and I am not going to make him choose between a holiday and us.. that would be very petty and desperate.

@Quartz2208 - I don't understand why you would ask a question like that? I know he loves me, and of course he loves his son, why wouldn't he?

@123MothergotafleA - In the nicest way possible, it is really none of your business.

The situation is as follows - He doesn't spend enough time with us, he has taken numerous holidays without us. I have tried to speak to him, he did change for a few days. I can not leave him as we have bought a house together.

Yes, OP, you can leave him. So what that you've bought a house together - you're going to let your son's mental health suffer because of that are you? Obviously yes.

It's not 'petty and desperate' to say that he can't go; it doesn't sound like he even checks it's ok with you anyway. Of course you wouldn't be able to go as he's not going to step up with the childcare, is he? Let alone when there's a newborn in the equation.

Tell your mum and his family what is going on here. I do get the wanting to keep it covered up, honestly I do. I was then same and then I got a grip, spilled the beans to my family and friends and the support I got was incredible. I LTB in the end. My situation was horrendous. If I can do you so can you. The very least you can do is be honest with people and to start to look in to where you would begin to separate.

You say he loves you. From what you've said I would say no he doesn't. He is on to a good thing here, he can do what he likes when he likes and only has to put up with you giving him 'grief' for a couple of days, before it all goes back to how he likes it. You're not a partnership, not even a family. He does what he likes and you don't stop him. Time to put your big girl pants on and deal with this before your son is affected any more than he already is.

I've been harsh, I know. I wish someone had said this to me all those years ago.

Becuase you dont treat someone you love like he treats you, at least you shouldnt

I tihnk you have some strange ideas as to relationships and how its works and that is why you have a dysfunctional one. Its not petty and desperate its real life. He has responsibilites that he needs to face up to. 4 holidays without you and the way he treats you is too much and someday you may be forced to wake up to exactly what that has done to your son

And in fairness to the question there are very few jobs that would enable him to to be honest.

Im out so many people have been trying to tell you that this set up is not normal, not healthy and could cause damage and you wont see it

There is always a way it doesn't matter you bought a house together. People split and divorce the whole time under these exact circumstances. I would get yourself to a solicitor for some advice.

@Quartz2208 - He self employed, so he has plenty of time for himself
@jeaux90 - I am aware that there is ways, but I can't do anything if he doesn't agree with it.

yeah usually self employed people whose main income (and are sole breadwinners) usually work 6/7 days a week! Particularly if they have people working for him

YOu can do a lot you can stop enabling him which is pretty much all you do

Can you at least hint at what his business is? I'd love my son to enter a profession that allows him limitless holidays and long lies while earning enough money at age 27 to provide a private education for his children.

@Quartz2208 - He is not the breadwinner, I have my own funds - what exactly can I do? I can't ask him to leave our new house.
@MorrisZapp - Like I have said before, it has nothing to do with you or anyone here, in terms of my sons education we pay half each.