Emotionally drained.

[LoyaltyAndLobster]

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

You yourself said your son is fine when Dad is there and most anxious when he is not

He would like his dad to take him to school and his dad does not spend much time with him

It's chaotic because he has no construct of when and where his dad will be. These are not accusations they are simply reading what you say and recognising it

But you are getting angry that emotion is shown in your posts can you not see that?

Your posts come across as very flat and lacking in emotion when you. But the moment anyone says anything even mildly critical of your dreadful husband or points out that your son is being damaged by his behaviour, out it comes.

*when you talk about how your husband treats you.

I wouldn't be surprised if your son is also picking up on this and it's contributing to his anxiety. Children are a lot more perceptive than they are given credit for.

Finally, going to a fee paying school doesn't stop people developing mental health issues. All it means is that you have mental health issues, just in a fancier setting.

@Quartz2208 - My son is fine in the house he gets anxious when it comes leaving the house (and is very anxious when we are out) if dad is leaving with us and going with us he is fine (but dad doesn't) that's right he would like him to take him to school and come out with us too.

The main reason he is in therapy is to over the fear of leaving the house and being outside when it's just me and him - during the holidays we didn't leave the house that much.

I don't know maybe it is coming across as if I am angry... but I am not, if I was I don't think I would be able to type.

@flippinada - Ok then

Clearly you feel comfortable asserting yourself with posters on here but you obviously daren't so much as raise an eyebrow at your husband.

Perhaps reflect on that and think about why?

His anxiety is almost certainly due to him not knowing when he will next see his Dad, or when his Dad will next play an active role in his life. If you continue to allow this, it will only get worse.

ah ok I think you are thinking of anger as an overwhelming rage rather than a strong feeling if displeasure or annoyance that you are I suspect feeling.

Do you often think of emotions in such a black and white way - that anger would be so overwhelmed you cant type? I have been angry many types but never so its overwhelming or out of control

Was your son experiencing this before the breakdown in your relationship and your partner starting to go off

You talk yourself in and then back out of this non existent toxic relationship. You are being given excellent advice here, please listen and get out! Financially you say you can cope, what is the issue? Your son is suffering and no doubt the same will happen to your unborn. What do you really want to do, let another few years tick by suffering more of his behaviours and then decide to go, because I can tell you now this is what will happen - you will leave him in the end, so cut your losses (?) and start to make serious plans now.

And I have just read you say you are a mentally strong person. At the moment you might be, but he will chip away at you, and believe you me, that will change, and you will become a shadow of your former self. And then it is incredibly difficult to dig yourself out. Please don't let it get to that. I speak from experience.

It is broken. What exactly are you getting out of this relationship AND who on earth would be happy about their OW going on holiday 2 times a year on his own.
Sadly I know from bitter experience that this will never get any better, he is utterly taking you for granted and has zero respect or care for you.
I think you are worth more than that.

@Loyalty, please tell me you see what's happening here. You are getting snappy with the people who are trying to help you. You have an answer for everything, and nobody here knows anything about it, no matter what we've already been through, no matter how familiar we may be with situations like yours.

Yes that's what I'd like.

That would literally require a change to his entire personality, his innermost wants and needs, his whole attitude toward life, and all of his habits - which simply does not happen. He simply doesn't want to be a family man. He wants to play the single teenager, and since he's been doing so for this long, there is no reason he should alter his behaviours and stop having fun. As you've seen yourself, any change will last mere days at best, and he will be right back to it again, unless YOU are willing to make changes as well, put your foot down, stand up for yourself and - more importantly - your children, and enforce your demands on your own.

I'm curious what your response is to the other questions I asked in that post:

Do you honestly believe that his parents can persuade him to change himself and his very personality so drastically, to the point he wants to be with you as a family? Or do you think that he would do those things simply in obedience, without actually wanting to or caring? And how long do you think that would last?

Would you WANT to be with a man who begrudgingly goes through the motions of being a family? Would you WANT to be with a man who won't listen to you, so you have to go through his parents to get to him?

And if you do believe his parents can make him change... Why? How? That in itself is very unusual. Do they have something to hold over him? Are they supporting him financially, financing all this free time and holidays? Are they from a culture where parents are always automatically obeyed even by their adult children?

@knobblykneesandturnedouttoes - I have already explained why my son get anxious, whenever DP has gone away he always makes sure to call DS twice a day. And DS always knows when he will be back, so please don't speculate.
@user1493059174 - Hi Good evening, I am NOT a mentally strong person (it was a typo sorry)
@Quartz2208 - It has been going on for about 2 and a half months, he had a therapy session this evening, he still won't open up and tell us why he gets anxious/upset when it is time to leave the house, it is just going to take time; I have hope in the therapist as she is very good, she made some suggestions which we are going to try tomorrow.
@JWrecks - And yes he is from that culture.

Apologies OP I did read after that this was a typo. Posters on here really do care, and as I said you are getting great advice. You are still young with your whole life ahead of you. It is no coincidence these types target the not so mentally strong and he will weaken you further. Ultimately it is of course your decision but trust me if he does carry on as he is resentment will set in and that will be the end. Please look after yourself and your children

You haven't really explained why he gets anxious, just that he only gets anxious when he has to leave the house without his dad. You say he hasn't opened up about why this is, so you can't possibly know. I will speculate, which is all anyone can do when they aren't sure.

You also say your partner says he will take your son to school but then doesn't. So how can your son be certain his dad will do what he says he will? Being let down like this by a parent for no good reason, could easily cause anxiety in a 6 year old.

@knobblykneesandturnedouttoes - I have explained when DS gets anxious (sorry another typo, I need to switch to using the laptop instead) - he gets anxious when it's time to leave the house and is anxious whilst outside (but fine when dad is with us) and he hasn't told me why he feels the way he does that's the whole reason behind me taking him to a therapist.

DP did say to me(not to DS) that he would take him to school, one thing I wouldn't have is him promising DS something and not following through with it.

I have been debating whether or not to share this on here or not, but I don't want to tell my mum.

DP called me last night he said that he had spoken to his dad (when I spoke to mum I said that I didn't want him to be confronted about the situation until he was home) he said that what I had done was "fucking malicious" and I should have discussed any problems I had with him before he left the house and that I need to stop using his name for attention.

Well, at least that makes it 100% clear. He has no intention of ever behaving responsibly, he knows he is wrong, he desperately wants you to keep his wrongdoing a secret.

He was furious with you for telling people about how awful he has been. No remorse, no promises of change, just anger that you dared to not hide his cheapness for once.

What have you said about him coming home? Is he welcome? Did you tell him to fuck off, move in with his mum and hang up on him?

@RunRabbitRunRabbit - I said to him "didn't we talk and you said you'd make changes... but you didn't" and "how is telling the truth being malicious, it has been going on for so long..." he is the one who hung up on me, he hasn't even called today to speak to DS.

I think, from what I have read on this thread, that OP has the ability to survive on her own financially, but is desperately worried that she will struggle to look after an anxious son and a newborn, and suffers from anxiety herself? Am I correct? So the issue is not money, rather fear of being left alone to care for the kids - even though she is almost doing that already - the partner is a bit of a safety net...just in case. Having been a single parent in a foreign country, with two kids under 3, no family support, crippling anxiety and (being in my 20's) somewhat of a green parent...I can tell you - YOU WILL BE FINE! I can sense that your anxiety will disperse somewhat, because you will not have to worry about the toxicity of your relationship with your partner. He is obviously deeply pissed off about being outed to his parents as a total negligent, selfish, boychild...and I get a sense that there may be a cultural thing here which could be making matters worse. I think you have their support, your parents support, you are financially 'ok' and you love your kids. Kick him out! 3 holidays a year FFS. YOU may not be angry, but I am, on your behalf

This doesn't sound good. You are obviously very loyal to him and hope to have a nice home life for your children but what you want and what you have are two completely different things, your husband has things just how he wants them so why would he change?
It's difficult to see things clearly when you are in so deep but It's clear from reading your posts that your son's anxiety is linked to his father's behaviour.

is desperately worried that she will struggle to look after an anxious son and a newborn, and suffers from anxiety herself? Am I correct?

Yes that's correct.

@MrsDoyles - My son has been very miserable and clingy this weekend which is quiet unusual, so yes I can now put it down to his dad being absent.

Could you make yourself a list of how he add to your life that reduces/increases your anxiety or makes your life less/more of a struggle?

@RunRabbitRunRabbit - To be honest he adds very little to my life!

I would have expected him to call this evening to speak to DS before bed but he hasn't, I know he is annoyed at me but it has nothing to do with our son.

Loyalty, you are one fascinating individual. I hope you find strength to stand your ground and able to see you do not need a man to make you a worthwhile part of society.

You said the words 'single parent' frighten you. I understand that, I felt like this once too. However, it is no longer considered shameful to be a single mother. Perhaps you feel like you will let your parents down by becoming a single mother? Just ask your mum outright how it would make her feel and, as from what you've said before it sounds like she is very supportive, I am sure she will put your mind at rest.

Can I ask you, what is it exactly that you love about your partner? Forget your new house for a moment, pretend it's not in the picture.