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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotionally drained.

363 replies

LoyaltyAndLobster · 28/08/2017 20:13

I have posted about this before, but after a few comments I asked for the thread to be deleted because I felt as I was betraying him, if you love someone you’d never post about them on an online forum where people are going to make nasty comments, right?

I need to let it out, well I am now.. I just want some advice from genuine people.

I do everything for him.
He is selfish
He is unsupportive
He doesn’t spend much time with DS
I feel as if I am a single parent

Every conversation we have is brief or forced... by me.

When he is at home, it feels like he is just part of the furniture. The only time it feels as if we are in a relationship and love affection is shown is in the bedroom.

He is NOT physically, mentally or verbally abusive.
We never argue
I trust him

Yesterday he returned back from holiday, which is the third holiday he has taken since the end of term – Today was our sons 6th birthday, before he left he said that he had planned a little surprise for DS (just the two of them) then afterwards the three of us would go and do something special (which I was looking forward to myself, as DS suffers from anxiety, and is very anxious when it comes to leaving the house and being outside – but is fine if he knows dad is coming too)

DP woke up this morning and said that he was still tired (yes I understand that he might have been jet lagged) and that he has bad muscle pain (he never complained about this when he got home yesterday) then went back to sleep. I am not angry at him, I am disappointed, but it is ok because DS had a nice day today.

I'm emotionally drained I don’t know how much more I can take of this and how I am going to cope when DS2 is born, because I am not going to be able to do everything myself.

I don’t want to read LTB – I just want advice on how this relationship can be fixed, as it is not YET broken.

OP posts:
Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/09/2017 13:31

@Quartz2208 - Yes I called her and told her we have sorted out things (we haven't) and I don't know what he believes.

And no he hasn't worked today.

OP posts:
RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/09/2017 13:32

Call his mum. Tell her everything is awful, worse than ever because he refuses to accept there is a problem. Tell her he has demanded that you to lie to her to get her off his back.

If it were me, I'd also be telling her that his reaction is the final nail in the coffin of the relationship. It's over, bar the legals, you've had enough of his shit.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 18/09/2017 13:33

Why did you lie to her?

PJsAndProsecco · 18/09/2017 14:31

Wow. OP, I've just read this thread and you seem so beaten down by this man. And I'm glad you have resolved to leave him but why are you still doing what he wants?

You seem overly concerned about your new house but there are plenty of ways to get that sorted, loads of couples split who own houses together.

You also seem to be too concerned about things like "why should he run me out of the house, I'm not going to leave." This isn't about point-scoring, this is about your wellbeing and your DS. You need to pack your bags and get to your mums, or a friend's. Your DP is not going to change, it seems his definition of a good relationship is taking you away for a weekend??

Do you ever laugh together? Be silly together? Talk about what's in the news? Cook together? Do ANYTHING that resembles friendship, and respectfulness and enjoyment of each other's company? It sure doesn't sound like it, and I bet you if you move into this new house the "weekend away" together will never happen. You need to be brave for your son, and make a bold move. He doesn't love you and he won't change, because he knows you are his meal ticket and will put up with his crap. Decide for yourself that you deserve more and do something about it.

AnxietyForever · 18/09/2017 15:06

why would you lie to her? Just to keep him happy?
He doesn't seem to care about your happiness OP

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/09/2017 16:39

@PJsAndProsecco - I will not say this again... I am not going to stay with my mum or anyone else, that is just something that I am not prepared to do, I am moving into my new house tomorrow along with my son and that's where my unborn will living. Now DP is back DS is no longer miserable.

@AnxietyForever - I called her to take away the tension between me and him.

OP posts:
Hairgician · 18/09/2017 16:40

Wtf are you lying to her for??

You need to finish with him and make plans to separate. As someone has already said you are far too bothered about the bloody house and not for your ds welfare which should be your priority. If you put that stubbornness towards getting rid of him instead of keeping the house you might actually make some headway.

There's threads on here daily from ladies who have literally walked away with the clothes on their back who have started over and are far better off for it.

Your p is an utter selfish bastard who doesn't give a shit. Hes only bothered about his mum. Why are you still making excuses and defending him??
Pack his things and leave them out the front door then lock the doors and leave the keys in the locks so he can't get in. He can fuck off to his mums. That can do til you get speaking to solicitors about what to do with the house.

Quartz2208 · 18/09/2017 16:53

Yes but you need to talk to him, you know him going away is causing your Ds issues.

The tension hasn't gone its been swept away. Honestly you both need to sit down and discuss your relationship as it's causing your son anxiety

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/09/2017 17:09

@Hairgician - What you are suggesting I do is very unrealistic "pack his things leave them outside the door" Hmm

Of course I am bothered about my new house, no way am I prepared to give it up and DS is very excited about moving in and I am not going to take that away from him either.

@Quartz2208 - Good evening, I know I need to talk to him but it is so hard I am going to try again tonight. And I'm so glad that you are the only person here that understands that when he is away it causes DS to be very miserable.

OP posts:
Hairgician · 18/09/2017 17:34

Lol. I'm out. Nothing else to add here except to say if you don't leave him now you never will. Best of luck to you. You are flogging a dead horse.

PJsAndProsecco · 18/09/2017 18:37

Jeez, OP, you are either so crushed down by him that you literally are blind to his behaviour, or you're just naive and acting stupidly. I don't understand why you asked for advice if all you want to do is defend him.

You don't want to make him uncomfortable, you don't want to embarrass him, you care more about your new house and will not sacrifice it for anything, and you aren't at all angry.

Just stay with him and keep being a doormat. But don't think your poor DS isn't going to suffer because of your choices.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 18/09/2017 21:12

@Hairgician - Thank you.
@PJsAndProsecco - If you had read my thread you would know my son is miserable when DP isn't around so he will only suffer if I ask DP to leave.

I wish people would read the thread before commenting/passing judgement!

OP posts:
AncoraAmarena · 19/09/2017 11:07

@LoyaltyAndLobster the reason 'people' are passing judgement is becase you cannot see/won't acknowledge that this continuing behaviour is going to detrimental to your son. If you are not prepared to sort this out with your husband properly, your husband will continue with the lovely single life that he has chosen to lead and your son's upset will continue.

With a new baby coming into the mix shortly, your son's world is going to change even more. Yet his father has given you no indication that he is prepared to work at being part of your family and thus you've no guarantee that he's not going to be jetting off again whenever the fancy takes him, leaving your son anxious and distraught.

Why on earth would you ring your MIL and do your husband's bidding?

I don't quite know what you are hoping to get from your posting. You can see that the replies have tailed off; this is because of your steadfast refusal to take the advice kindly offered by posters, or to even pretend to listen to it. I get it's not as easy as packing his stuff and sending him off. However, I cannot reconcile this with you lying to your MIL that all is ok. Are you going to lie to your mum too? You won't get anywhere without the help and support of your family so stop covering it up.

If I were you I would put this all to one side for the moment. Move into your house tomorrow, have the new baby and then in a few months tell him you want out of the relationship and work towards that together. I can't imagine him being anything other than happy about that tbh.

Quartz2208 · 19/09/2017 12:20

Your son is miserable because he has not set concept of where is father is and a father who does not want to spend time with him. Him leaving might force him to spend time with him.

Honestly though have you actually spoken to your DP about this or to your son.

UnicornRainbowPoo · 19/09/2017 12:42

- If you had read my thread you would know my son is miserable when DP isn't around so he will only suffer if I ask DP to leave

Actually I disagree with this. Having been in pretty much the same situation as you are for years I can say that asking him to leave has been the best thing for me and my children. We are no longer sat here wondering when he will be home, never knowing what his plans are. My youngest was a nervous wreck, he rarely paid her attention and when he did it made her anxious as she wasn't sure why he had suddenly singled her out. Children need parents who are consistent, who lead by example. I learned this far too late and let my fear of being on my own dictate my life, the truth is is I was actually far more on my own when he was around undermining my decisions and parenting choices.

They still see their dad, only now they know when they will see him. He sometimes cancels at the last minute but they know that can happen and can deal with it better.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 22/09/2017 07:57

Morning just a quick update (wasn't going to post this as we've only been in the new house for a few days now) - DP has taken and collected DS from school everyday, and he has also been helping around the house (I know it is something that he should have been automatically doing before) so he is making changes. But I just don't want to get my hopes up in case it doesn't continue and he goes back to his old ways.

@AncoraAmarena - Yes I had to lie to my mum also I told her that we have sorted things out and he has apologised etc and to please forget that I ever told her.

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 22/09/2017 08:18

Your mum will know the truth. Open up to her. If you're child was living like you are what would you say to them?

Quartz2208 · 22/09/2017 08:33

Has he got plans to go away again or has he realised it's wrong

HotelEuphoria · 22/09/2017 08:51

Oh love I wish you well but we all know what's coming within a week or so and the whole cycle will begin again. Tiredness, laziness, holiday, upset son, presents for upset son, you being fed up, a few school runs to lift your spirit and so it goes on.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 22/09/2017 09:04

@Squirmy65ghyg - I have told my mum everything is ok now so I can't go back and tell her it isn't.
@Quartz2208 - I am just hoping he has realised what he has been doing is wrong and that now he will try and make amends.
@HotelEuphoria - Nobody knows that for sure.

OP posts:
Squirmy65ghyg · 22/09/2017 09:05

You can. Tell her the truth. What would you say to your child in the same situation?

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 22/09/2017 09:22

@Squirmy65ghyg - I have already said that I am not going to call her, because things are fine at the moment.

And to be honest if my child was in the same situation I would encourage them to sort things out.

OP posts:
AncoraAmarena · 22/09/2017 10:15

@LoyaltyAndLobster, yes if my child was in the same situation I would encourage them to sort things out too.

I would encourage them to LTB and give them all the practical and emotional support I possibly could.

I would not want any child of mind (or anyone at all, actually), to put up with the shit you've been putting up with. You are completely deluding yourself. Maybe that's your coping mechanism, I don't know. It's your son that I feel the most sorry for in this situation.

Original poster
LoyaltyAndLobster · 22/09/2017 10:29

AncoraAmarena

LTB really?

I read threads on here daily where women get verbally and physically abused and humiliated by their partners. None of the three following things have never happened in our relationship.

One thing I ask you is to please not take pity on my child because he is fine now, we now know the main cause of his anxiety.

OP posts:
AncoraAmarena · 22/09/2017 10:45

Yes, he's fine 'now'.

And when your husband next goes off on his holiday(s) and your son suffers accordingly, he won't be fine.

You know the main cause of his anxiety, are you sure that it's sorted now? Or is your husband going to revert to type? You've already said today that you don't want to get your 'hopes up in case it doesn't continue and he goes back to his old ways'. So you, like the rest of us are completely expecting this not to last.

So, yes I pity him. And you.

LTB.