How do I stop feeling so resentful?

[slothsandunicorns]

Regularish long term poster here but have name changed in case DH looks for any posts under my usual username.

I am usually someone who can see the positive side of things and will use this if I am feeling unhappy but lately am struggling to get past my feelings that this is my lot now. I have 2 healthy DCs, I am healthy, I have a satisfying job, I own a house and a car...there are lots of good things.

However, I am feeling increasingly resentful towards DH. I have always been the main earner and this has been mutually agreed. I am completely fine with this BUT we are finding it increasingly difficult to stretch my income and our tax credits/child benefit to cover everything each month. I have recently retrained and have had to start at the bottom rung of my profession's payscale. It will increase but this will take a few years. On paper this should be OK as our outgoings are comparatively low and we can afford bills/food etc but once they're paid there is little left over for anything like birthdays, new clothes, school uniform, holidays, school trips, house maintenance emergency...and something like this crops up every month.

My parents died a few years ago and we used the inheritance to pay off the house and DH gave up his part time job to do a degree. So whilst he wasn't earning he was around for school pick ups etc. He didn't get any student income as studied with the Open University which is not eligible for loans or grants apart from for tuition fees. He has now graduated and did well. I was hopeful that he would be able to find work so that instead of scrimping and just about getting by each month we could have a larger family income and feel less panicky about extra expenses etc.

However DH has said he does not feels anxious about applying for jobs as he has been out of the workforce for so long. I can understand this would be difficult and why he feels nervous about it. Things came to a head a few weeks ago when our money ran out when we had a few nephews' birthdays to pay for. DH had a go at me for not making enough effort to find ways to pay for them (his suggestions were digging out old Tesco vouchers, using DDs Amazon voucher that she won at school for outstanding achievement). I felt I had already put the effort in by earning the money despite the fact it was not enough. We had a big discussion where I put my foot down and said that if he is too anxious to look for work he needs to get it diagnosed and claim sickness benefits.

He has since seen the doctor and is on a waiting list for CBT which will take some weeks for an appointment to come through. Not able to apply for sickness benefits yet. He has now enrolled to do an MA and the student funding this time will provide an extra £200 or so each month which can be put towards the family income. So better than nothing. But still not enough to put towards a holiday or get an occasional takeaway on a whim like other families who have two working parents seem able to do. DH's attitude to getting money is always to see what he can borrow or what benefits he can claim. It is never get a job and earn money.

I feel bad moaning about this as I know as a family we have a lot more than others. But then other families seem to have much more than us. I just want to have a reserve for emergencies and a little bit extra to do something fun every now and then. I find the endless scrimping and juggling exhausting and feel very down that I'm going to have to do this for the foreseeable future. If I earned an extra £10k a year I would be more than happy for DH to play computer games in his pants all day if this made him happy. Splitting up would not solve this problem. It's not the simple fact he doesn't work more that I feel unsupported and trapped each month. Although I understand things aren't easy for DH either. So this it. How do I make peace with it?

Thanks so much if you've been able to get to the end of this. I may not be able to reply straight away as I can't sign in under my usual username etc.

I'm not surprised you feel resentful. I hope you didn't use your dd's amazon voucher? I think that's a really awful thing for him to have suggested. He sounds really entitled.

Does he consider himself a sahp?

It sounds like either your dh is a lazy git who just can't be arsed working.
Or, his anxiety about working is much deeper than he shows and all this studying had been a smoke screen to cover it up.
So either he needs a massive kick up the arse or he needs a gentle sympathetic kick up the arse.
Which one is it do you reckon? Has he ever worked? Is he always lazy?

Hi

What do you get out of this relationship now? What needs of yours does he meet here?.

Do you think he can ever be a responsible adult who provides also for his family or have you really been carrying him for the past x number of years at both financial and emotional cost to you. Its a bit rich of DH to have a go at you re nephew's birthday present seeing as he is still not contributing financially to his household. I hope you did not use your DDs voucher either.

Re your comment:-
"DH's attitude to getting money is always to see what he can borrow or what benefits he can claim. It is never get a job and earn money"

I think that is the whole problem hence he deciding to do an Open University degree (that was probably done in his case to further avoid working. Why did he give up his part time job to do that?). He is now going to study for a MA which is going to take up more time, money and effort. Who is going to pay for it all?. You and in turn your children. And what after the MA?. Is he going to be in employment then?.

"If I earned an extra £10k a year I would be more than happy for DH to play computer games in his pants all day if this made him happy"

What about your happiness here; who died and made this bloke king?.
I hope you wrote that comment tongue in cheek because if you did not that shows me that your relationship bar is so terribly low here.

Why do you write that separating would not solve this problem?.

Have you actually said "get a job, any job" while waiting for the CBT?

He's taking the piss op.

If I earned an extra £10k a year I would be more than happy for DH to play computer games in his pants all day if this made him happy.

This statement baffles me - no wonder you're resentful but you seem to be enabling it all. When you retrained can I assume there was studying and exams and that you did this at the same time as working?

In your shoes I'd be really worried about the lessons the DC are learning. Please tell me he runs the house like clockwork and cooks perfect meals prepared to a budget. If not then aren't you teaching your DC that girls do all the graft and boys take the piss and then apply for benefits if they want some spending money? God that looks really harsh so I reread your OP and still think that...

You seem to have forgotten that you're both equally responsible for family finances and he's shirking it all and you're shouldering the full burden. Tell him to get a job, any job. A loving partner would not sit back in their pants doing sweet FA whilst their partner worked full time and panicked about money.

He's playing you like a fiddle, the last bastard. Tell him to get off his spoilt ass and get a fucking job. Stop coddling him.

It's a very unhealthy situation. I wouldn't just be mildly resentful, I'd be completely fuming.

I do agree that you're enabling him and that needs to stop. Don't try to convince yourself that you're ok and could be much worse, just don't. The situation doesn't work for you and you need to change it.

If your husband is genuinely anxious, perhaps you could agree that he'll work part-time for a year to get his mojo back before moving into a proper career full-time.

*Lazy. LAZY bastard.

What does he do around the house. He sounds very much like he has a role with DD but is it at the same level as a SAHM? Although an OU degree takes several years so how old is DD now?

From what you have said he does seem to be mightily taking the piss and that needs sorting but without more info he is no different from SAHMs who, on these boards at least, seem to think DPs should just earn more to cover household expenses.

If he is a good engaged sahp, that is something.
But if the family finances are stretched then maybe the one worker/ one at home model needs to be looked at again
The same goes for every household up and down the country, usually it's the mother who sah. But when it's no longer sustainable or doesn't contribute to the smooth running of the household it needs to change.
I would be wary of the diagnosis of anxiety angle. If he genuinely is suffering of course he needs help, it's an awful way to live. But he might feel like it's a get out if jail free card, if looking for outs is in his nature. Not saying he doesn't have it, just he might have both the disorder AND the lazy personality!
I am saying all this as someone who was a sham, with little prospects, and have had a few anxiety related meltdown which lasted some months.
BUT as a sahm I was active and engaged, cut costs where I could etc etc. Basically I gave more in time than I could have in money. It evened out between dp and I.
If it doesn't even out with You, you have every right to feel resentful.

I don't agree that both partners are equally financially responsible, as pp have said, there are plenty of families where one is a sahp, which usually does make life easier for the full time working parent in many ways. So it would be unfair to expect the sahp to jump right in and contribute equally as soon as studies finish. However, there is no way he should be having a go about you not being able to creatively stretch the money further. Surely this kind of thing should be organised by him, ie the sahp!?! Not sure how he contributes beyond school runs, if this is all, he's taking the piss. Usually it's the sahp finding it difficult because they seem responsible for everything except making the money. I think he needs an attitude adjustment as to what his role in your family is.

How on earth can he pay the fees for am MA?
I would be fuming!

He's an eternal student/cocklodger, mutually agreed or not. You would probably be better off splitting up and finding a grown up to spend your life with.

There will come a point where you will look at him and realise you have no respect for him left.

Time for a talk, he finds a part time job at the very least/addresses his anxieties about working or your relationship won't survive.

YANBU. But on MN if a woman is a SAHP then she should not be pushed into employment. The common view is that the woman enables the man to forge a career. Yet when a man does this he is lazy/entitled/cocklodger and so on. SAHP are often told that despite the man working he should be coming home and taking on cleaning/meals etc.
We both have to work. No other option. I think he should also contribute and I think the MA is just delaying tactics. He should get some form of employment even if it's just some bar work.

I'm confused. Who looks after DC and the running of the house?

Because that makes the difference between your husband being an. SAHD and a cocklodger.

Thank you for all the replies - I appreciate it can take time to write them.
I will try to address as many of the comments as I can.

No I drew the line at the Amazon voucher in the same way I've said no to using the DC's savings when we've been desperate.

Gorgorsparta Yes he does consider himself as SAHP which would be fine if we could afford it. But I don't think we can.

Museumum Yes I am worried about pushing him into work if he is genuinely ill. You wouldn't expect someone with cancer to work would you. Is this different? 7Days has touched on this as well. I think it could actually be a combination of both. He is anxious and won't push himself out of his comfort zone and then has got used to the status quo. Is he lazy? Hmm...I am definitely the more driven of the two of us.

RunRabbitRunRabbit He says he is too anxious to apply for any job at the moment.

AttilaTheMeerkat Yeah I think he has pretty much always been like this so is it fair of me to expect him to change? I didn't marry him for his money (because he's never had any). He gave up his p/t job to do the degree with my blessing because I thought we could afford it but it's amazing how quickly a lump sum runs out. His intentions after the MA? Honestly fuck knows - you can't get a student loan for PhD can you? Maybe he will have had treatment for his anxiety by then?

Beenthere... I made the if I earned... comment because I think he is an adult and he is entitled to make his own choices whether I agree with them or not as long as they are not to the detriment of others. But at the moment they are and we are all struggling because of them. And yes I am worried about the role models we are providing esp for DS. He is a bright kid and I don't want him coasting at school because his ambition is to be SAHD (not that this wouldn't be ok at the right time I just don't want it to be his only ambition iyswim). DD is already a grafter.

JoJo Yes I know I need to take some of the responsibility for enabling this and allowing it to go on for so long. Maybe I thought I could provide by myself and feel disappointed that I can't?

Scottish... and others who have asked about his role as a SAHD: I'd say he does about 50% of the home caring role. I plan the weekly meal planner at the weekend or we might do it as a pair. DH can't drive so I will do the main shopping then. If I am home late DH will cook and sort DC's food if needed. DH does most of the day to day cleaning and the ironing. I clean the bathroom and change bed linen as DH never seems to notice this kind of thing needs doing and it bothers me more than. Also any DIY/fix it jobs will be done by him as I am spectacularly rubbish at that sort of thing.

7Days has made some really interesting points about the differences in attitudes towards male and female SAHP on MN and I think this may be complicating me getting my head around the situation.

It's been good to get this out. Thanks.

Could he just get a part time job, low level, alongside doing the masters? That would help a bit with finances and might help ease him back into the workplace - it's very hard to go from sahp to stressful, responsible job in one step.

I'm curious to know, though, whether doing this MA was a mutual decision or his alone, because I can't really see what you and the rest of the family are going to get out of it? Even if it gives him a brilliant qualification, he's obviously not going to use it to get a job.

He sounds like a cocklodger to me. Usung DDs voucher to give to another child - that's low. He should at least seek a low pressure PT job.

Sorry, cross posted with you. I think you are bending over backwards to accommodate him here, and it's probably about time that you had a very serious talk about how you are going to manage in the future. You soft pedalling around him and taking on more and more responsibility yourself isn't going to work long term because it will start to affect your mental and physical health.

I think the MA was a bridge too far. It's unlikely to make him any more employable and just puts off the decision. How do you plan your family finances? It seems to me a simple spreadsheet for the next few years would show I) situation with just sloth's salary 2) better situation with £5k or £10k of contribution from DH 3) the effect of the unexpected. Maybe it would help to look at the actual figures so he can see why you worry about unexpected bills when there is no slack. Does he even understand inflation?!

I am assuming your DC are primary age. There's going to be tension around the extra costs that start to occur when they are secondary and older. It's not fair to cast you forever in the role of 'financial bad guy' saying to the DC we can't afford that and you can't do this. Working how family finances should run shouldn't just be one partners' job and when one person's bringing in nothing at all, they can certainly use their time to lighten the load on the working partner and work out ways to save money (I am assuming these were his nephews' presents that he expected you to sort?)

If he's too anxious to consider any job then I think treatment for the anxiety should take priority. It seems unlikely to me that he would be too anxious to do any job but able to do something intellectually challenging like an MA. Universities have jobs services, although if it's distance learning that maybe doesn't apply.

Most people I know who have done OU degrees have done it while working full or part time.
I get the feeling he is lazy.
If he wants to stay at home f/t now the children are at school the division of labour should be equal.
At the moment it isn't.

I'm not surprised you're feeling resentment towards him.

What age are your children??

It's fine for him to be a SAHP but ONLY if you both agree you can afford it and it's beneficial for childcare/chores etc.

The longer he avoids work the worse it'll be getting him back in the saddle. He doesn't drive either?? Is he passive generally?

Education is great if it enhances chances of getting a job but without relevant experience it seems like he's going to struggle to put it to any use.

I think you need to put your foot down now and say that there's simply not enough money coming in every month to enable him to stay at home and that he must get a part time job to help support his family.

If he's a gamer then make sure you take the controllers with you when you leave in the morning.

Think about the example he's setting the children in expecting handouts and benefits rather than earning his own money. That's very, very bad and certainly not something I would want my child being influenced by.