How do I stop feeling so resentful?

[slothsandunicorns]

Regularish long term poster here but have name changed in case DH looks for any posts under my usual username.

I am usually someone who can see the positive side of things and will use this if I am feeling unhappy but lately am struggling to get past my feelings that this is my lot now. I have 2 healthy DCs, I am healthy, I have a satisfying job, I own a house and a car...there are lots of good things.

However, I am feeling increasingly resentful towards DH. I have always been the main earner and this has been mutually agreed. I am completely fine with this BUT we are finding it increasingly difficult to stretch my income and our tax credits/child benefit to cover everything each month. I have recently retrained and have had to start at the bottom rung of my profession's payscale. It will increase but this will take a few years. On paper this should be OK as our outgoings are comparatively low and we can afford bills/food etc but once they're paid there is little left over for anything like birthdays, new clothes, school uniform, holidays, school trips, house maintenance emergency...and something like this crops up every month.

My parents died a few years ago and we used the inheritance to pay off the house and DH gave up his part time job to do a degree. So whilst he wasn't earning he was around for school pick ups etc. He didn't get any student income as studied with the Open University which is not eligible for loans or grants apart from for tuition fees. He has now graduated and did well. I was hopeful that he would be able to find work so that instead of scrimping and just about getting by each month we could have a larger family income and feel less panicky about extra expenses etc.

However DH has said he does not feels anxious about applying for jobs as he has been out of the workforce for so long. I can understand this would be difficult and why he feels nervous about it. Things came to a head a few weeks ago when our money ran out when we had a few nephews' birthdays to pay for. DH had a go at me for not making enough effort to find ways to pay for them (his suggestions were digging out old Tesco vouchers, using DDs Amazon voucher that she won at school for outstanding achievement). I felt I had already put the effort in by earning the money despite the fact it was not enough. We had a big discussion where I put my foot down and said that if he is too anxious to look for work he needs to get it diagnosed and claim sickness benefits.

He has since seen the doctor and is on a waiting list for CBT which will take some weeks for an appointment to come through. Not able to apply for sickness benefits yet. He has now enrolled to do an MA and the student funding this time will provide an extra £200 or so each month which can be put towards the family income. So better than nothing. But still not enough to put towards a holiday or get an occasional takeaway on a whim like other families who have two working parents seem able to do. DH's attitude to getting money is always to see what he can borrow or what benefits he can claim. It is never get a job and earn money.

I feel bad moaning about this as I know as a family we have a lot more than others. But then other families seem to have much more than us. I just want to have a reserve for emergencies and a little bit extra to do something fun every now and then. I find the endless scrimping and juggling exhausting and feel very down that I'm going to have to do this for the foreseeable future. If I earned an extra £10k a year I would be more than happy for DH to play computer games in his pants all day if this made him happy. Splitting up would not solve this problem. It's not the simple fact he doesn't work more that I feel unsupported and trapped each month. Although I understand things aren't easy for DH either. So this it. How do I make peace with it?

Thanks so much if you've been able to get to the end of this. I may not be able to reply straight away as I can't sign in under my usual username etc.

Yep, many authors of bestsellers spent years scraping a living before one of their books became really popular. Then all their previous work can become best sellers too - its not based on just whether each book is good :-/.

If you split it will mean that your partnership failed, not that you failed as a person.

Please don't take 100% responsibility for this , his behaviour is a huge contributing factor to these problems you are facing.

The thing is, it'd probably do him a lot of good to work! He sounds anxious and lacking in confidence, and he'd prob feel better with a purpose, and knowing he's contributing!
My eldest DC is in a similar position (after some serious anxiety issues) and I wish I knew the answer, on how much to shove, and how much to gently encourage them to come to it themself.

Interesting he threatened to go to his parents don't you think? You have a man-child not a husband. If you have a son, he will emulate. If you have a daughter, she will enable. You are setting the scene for a repetition of yours and your husbands behaviour that will become generational.
And why oh why are you so bloody reasonable about it all?
I would be incandescent with rage living with someone who was making such a fool of me...

Well obviously the masters wont amount to anything for him so is rather pointless. This Needs to be discussed and an agreement made.

Also will your masters improve your employment? What is it in? Id go the profesaional Qualification route if fhe aim is to further employability and pay.

Not read the whole thread so sorry if this is repetitive. I think PhDs often come with pay (it's not called a salary as you don't pay tax/NI, but it's not a loan either. I suppose it's a grant. You don't have to pay it back). So if he can get through the MA and is still enjoying study then a PhD could mean he actually starts contributing financially.

Is he aware that most writers have another job? A mundane job can be a great source of inspiration for a writer.

It's a stipend, it's £15k a year full time, and that's assuming it's a funded PhD, which is very unlikely if it's creative writing related.

Writers write, whether they are paid or not. If you don't write, you aren't a writer.

And the student loan is only more debt....how can he not see that?

I bet your parents would spin in their graves if they knew that their life savings had enabled their lazy, good for nothing son in law to give up his job and sponge off their inheritance and their lovely daughter.

OP I don't want to give the impression that you can't make a living from writing. I certainly make a very comfortable one.

But first off, you have to have a product to sell, and then more (no one wants a one hit wonder ).
And then you have to realise that maybe no one will want that product. Or for so many reasons out of your control, that product isn't making sufficient sales to keep you in chips and beans. And that's assuming you can jump the hurdles of getting a deal in the first place.

I would also question whether being a writer would be a healthy life anyway for someone with chronic anxiety. You have to be incredibly tough to make a go of it. It's a constant round of self doubt and criticism.

Everyone's an expert and everyone has something to say about your work. You need a thick skin and a flexible mind set.

I bet your parents would spin in their graves if they knew that their life savings had enabled their lazy, good for nothing son in law to give up his job and sponge off their inheritance and their lovely daughter.

Just what I was thinking. I would tell him to go to his parents-hopefully they'll be ashamed of him.

PhD stipends are tax free and roughly 15k - they also don't really exist in his field ( vanishingly rare, anyway.)

He needs to get a job. The two semi pro writers I know hold down full times jobs as well. One is a hospital consultant.

OP. Family law firms usually do a 30 minute free session which gives you a chance to meet a few and pick the nastiest bastard one you chime best with.

Book a couple of free sessions with different firms, write down a list of questions and go and find out the facts for yourself.

The fact that he threatened to go to his parents just goes with everything else you've said - like not driving - which is an absolute bug bear of mine. But the good thing is your later reaction and thoughts around that.

It's very easy for us ruffty-tuffty MNers to tell you what you should be doing and feeling but you do have to build up to it. You started by posting here. Now you need to think about what you'd actually do when he bullies you with threats like that.

Anyway look up those law firms, book the free sessions and arm yourself with the facts.

Also, my husband doesn't drive but he does go to the supermarket with a large rucksack and a couple of cloth carrier bags. Not driving isn't a reason to make you do everything.

CAB can offer free advice and give you names of local solicitors who do free initial consultations.

How are things today OP? If he's stroppy you can always say, Yesterday you mentioned going to your parents. I thought about this and think it would be good for us to have a break, so am happy for you to go for a few days.'

Let him realise that you need change and will embrace it.

Are you sure you can't afford legal advice?

Or rather, are you sure you can afford not to get some and soon?

He is merrily racking up debt, you very sensibly don't want more debt, but if debt is available to you then surely using it on a solicitor is a bloody good use of it, rather than using it to fund him sitting on his arse not writing and not doing anything else either while you agonise, scrimp and save?

If he were to go to his parents that would be a useful demonstration of how little impact his absence has on childcare. It reinforces that you are the primary carer. He is some bloke that lives in your house and can swan off to his parents whenever he gets the hump.

I'd be pushing him hard now. I'd also be saying a very vocal NO to the MA, making clear it won't be a yes until he's built up some savings from working.

That gives him a chance to put serious effort into keeping the relationship. It also means you find out quickly if he is simply not interested enough to get a job, show you some respect, prioritise your needs and feelings. If he would rather kill the relationship than get a job, you do yourself a favour by finding out soon (while simultaneously finding out your legal position in case he decides to stay selfish).

What Rabbit said.

As has already been mentioned, you can get a free half hour of advice at many solicitors, and half an hour would give you a reasonable overview if you went in prepared with all the right paperwork.

Come on op - head out of the sand!

Writing isn't his passion, it's become his get out of jail an excuse not to do anything else card. A card that he

I think the only path to a resolution now is to work on your own issues because they are the ones that you control and the ones that have led you to enable this situation.

My DH doesn't drive either!

Regards food shop we got £20 for a year delivery service from supermarket. He will use his bike and backpack for errands etc.

As I need to do the child taxi duties he picks up other chores etc. Will work meals around it and clearing up.

Hi op, it sounds like you're being incredibly supportive to your dh about his anxiety issues. Anxiety is utterly shit, however he really should get a job. I've suffered from anxiety all of my adult life, am currently awaiting an aspergers assessment and still manage to work despite my nerves. Beta blockers are essential for me though! If he's nervous about going back to work how about he works as a volunteer for a short time to build up his confidence? It looks suspiciously like he's stalling by wanting to do further study. I'd love to be a full time student but it wouldn't be remotely fair on my oh who works full time. Your children are old enough now to not need him at home. Would he be taking on further study if he didn't have you to fund his lifestyle? He's really not being fair to you.

It's also been fascinating to get a real insight into writing as a profession and see how precarious is it and just how much hard work is needed. I really don't think DH has the self discipline for it at all.

To give you an idea ...

Stephen King, the horror novelist, writes 2000 words a day every day, including Xmas day. He edits after he has a more or less complete first draft. He tends to complete a first draft in three months.

GRRM, the author of A Song of Ice and Fire series (ie. Game of Thrones), now struggles to produce 400 words a day. Fans have been waiting for his next novel for six years (and they are getting very annoyed about it); some say it will never be published.

Jeffrey Archer works 12 hour days: mornings for writing and afternoons for editing. He starts at a very early hour in the morning.

There are roughly three ways to make decent money from fiction-writing.

1. You write a phenomenal best-seller (think White Teeth, 50 Shades or Gone Girl) or you write a cult book (think A Clockwork Orange or House of Leaves). Suffice to say, doing this is just about luck: being in the right place with the right book at the right time. It's pretty impossible to predict.

2. You write a lot of books, usually genre or in a series, so your small/medium-sized fan base keeps coming back for the next installment. This is how romantic novelists (think Mills and Boon type stuff) and genre authors make a reasonable-ish living (someone like Jim Butcher with The Dresden files). You also have the possibility that one of those books or series fires into the stratosphere (Lionel Shriver with We need to talk about Kevin, for example, or Charlaine Harris's Stookie Stackhouse series).

3. You do both 1. and 2. together, so you write a lot of best-selling novels (think your Stephen Kings, Len Deightons, JK Rowlings, Patricia Cornwells, and airport novel writers).

If you are going for literary fiction, you've got to win a prize or get on the shortlist for decent earnings. That prize ensures people buy your novel and you also probably get onto the canon (so they will teach your novel on Eng.Lit courses, which means you've a better chance of keeping in print and you get continual yearly sales).

Otherwise, you will be lucky to make anything viable on a published literary novel (and you won't get a reprint unless sales are pretty exceptional). Earnings for a literary novel from an unknown writer? Depends on the advance, but you won't make any royalities at all. And the advance may be very low, maybe a couple of thousand? You also might not get a decent marketing push from your publishers, which can make all the difference: you won't get placement in shop windows or on promotional tables.

To get anywhere, your book needs serious amounts of marketing. For an unknown novelist, this means doing it off your own back: readings in local book shops, having a blog, doing talks to local groups, communicating with reviewers and people who run book blogs, trying to provoke word of mouth.

But all this means you have to produce completed works in the first place.

All that said, the vast majority of submitted manuscripts to agents are utter pants. You are in the top 5% to 10% of all submissions if your MS has no typos, no grammatical errors and actually makes sense (i.e. your characters do not change name half way through the novel).

So the situation is not as bad as it might look, iyswim.

OP - a few posters who have experience of anxiety disorders have mentioned that they take medication to help them. Is your DH on medication while he's waiting for CBT? If not it might be worth him going back to the doctor's so he can start working pronto. Sorry if I've missed this fact but I don't recall seeing it.

I've suffered with anxiety for years, am medicated and in therapy. I hold down a busy full time job which includes some UK travel. I also do the "thinking" involved in sorting out childcare, school shoes, cleaning the bathrooms etc. DH does his share of food shopping, laundry etc.

You've allowed/enabled his behaviour for a long time and change is hard. But change is necessary. He needs to get a job. Some job. Any job. For his confidence and to contribute. Good luck OP.

Sloths, I have been the same. I hate arguing with him and he has threatened to leave - honestly now I can't see what difference it would make to me. The kids are the only reason I've stuck with it.

His parents have wanted to talk to him about the non-working but I stopped them. I don't know why. They are extremely supportive but we live on the other side of the world from them.

The health anxiety is awful - he has had a couple of minor things but the way he talks about them you'd think it was life and death. (They weren't!) He also blows every little thing up into a possible terminal illness. He blames his health for his inability to work and that he's had so much stress to deal with that he's only now just able to pull himself up. What he fails to understand is that I've had to deal with those stresses too either head on or from another angle but with also working full time, managing the household and the kids or everything would have fallen over.

My friends do know some of the difficulties but I've not told them the full extent - do you have anyone you can talk to in real life?

I genuinely think you need to ask him to at least get some part time ongoing work and commit to it and to you and your family. I wish I hadn't brushed it under the carpet that first year and have it turn into so many years. What is he honestly giving to you in the relationship? What does he bring to your household? You are his partner not his parent and I think he needs to be reminded of that, when you married him if you'd known this would be the deal would you still have gone through with it?

I'm great at giving advice .

OP, he's a cocklodger, plain and simple.

And the cancer comparison? Insulting to those with cancer, IMO. DH has been suffering for most of the last year. He's managed to work throughout.

So, as I said, cocklodger of the highest order. In your position, I'd be mortified that the money your parents left you has funded the life of a lazy, unambitious freeloader. Leave now! This won't get any better.

Right I'm get more and more worried about the writing now. Getting a professional perspective has made me realise that DH has no chance. We've both been off all summer holiday and he's done no writing whatsoever. I need to broach this with him - maybe a 'you might need to get some practice in before the MA starts...I'll take the kids out so you can get some peace' and see what he happens.

I've decided to see what he intends to get out of the CBT. Hopefully it's working on being able to reenter the workplace - I have a feeling it will be 'so I can get a diagnosis and start claiming benefits'. From the sound of posters like Arietty and RallyAnnie it sounds like this won't happen. You can have very severe and anxiety and still be expected to work.

Flutterby77 Yes sounds like a very similar situation. DH's parents - especially his mum - often ask pertinent questions about his work situation. I won't stop them doing that! I have a couple of uni friends who know a bit about the situation and we are due a meet up soon. I'm worried I've given implicit approval to the MA plan now by not saying no and if I start saying he needs to work as well I'll get all the 'but you agreed...you're not being supportive' etc.

I have set up my spreadsheet to track what I do with the kids. Should I include domestic chores in it as well?