Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I stop feeling so resentful?

212 replies

slothsandunicorns · 27/08/2017 17:57

Regularish long term poster here but have name changed in case DH looks for any posts under my usual username.

I am usually someone who can see the positive side of things and will use this if I am feeling unhappy but lately am struggling to get past my feelings that this is my lot now. I have 2 healthy DCs, I am healthy, I have a satisfying job, I own a house and a car...there are lots of good things.

However, I am feeling increasingly resentful towards DH. I have always been the main earner and this has been mutually agreed. I am completely fine with this BUT we are finding it increasingly difficult to stretch my income and our tax credits/child benefit to cover everything each month. I have recently retrained and have had to start at the bottom rung of my profession's payscale. It will increase but this will take a few years. On paper this should be OK as our outgoings are comparatively low and we can afford bills/food etc but once they're paid there is little left over for anything like birthdays, new clothes, school uniform, holidays, school trips, house maintenance emergency...and something like this crops up every month.

My parents died a few years ago and we used the inheritance to pay off the house and DH gave up his part time job to do a degree. So whilst he wasn't earning he was around for school pick ups etc. He didn't get any student income as studied with the Open University which is not eligible for loans or grants apart from for tuition fees. He has now graduated and did well. I was hopeful that he would be able to find work so that instead of scrimping and just about getting by each month we could have a larger family income and feel less panicky about extra expenses etc.

However DH has said he does not feels anxious about applying for jobs as he has been out of the workforce for so long. I can understand this would be difficult and why he feels nervous about it. Things came to a head a few weeks ago when our money ran out when we had a few nephews' birthdays to pay for. DH had a go at me for not making enough effort to find ways to pay for them (his suggestions were digging out old Tesco vouchers, using DDs Amazon voucher that she won at school for outstanding achievement). I felt I had already put the effort in by earning the money despite the fact it was not enough. We had a big discussion where I put my foot down and said that if he is too anxious to look for work he needs to get it diagnosed and claim sickness benefits.

He has since seen the doctor and is on a waiting list for CBT which will take some weeks for an appointment to come through. Not able to apply for sickness benefits yet. He has now enrolled to do an MA and the student funding this time will provide an extra £200 or so each month which can be put towards the family income. So better than nothing. But still not enough to put towards a holiday or get an occasional takeaway on a whim like other families who have two working parents seem able to do. DH's attitude to getting money is always to see what he can borrow or what benefits he can claim. It is never get a job and earn money.

I feel bad moaning about this as I know as a family we have a lot more than others. But then other families seem to have much more than us. I just want to have a reserve for emergencies and a little bit extra to do something fun every now and then. I find the endless scrimping and juggling exhausting and feel very down that I'm going to have to do this for the foreseeable future. If I earned an extra £10k a year I would be more than happy for DH to play computer games in his pants all day if this made him happy. Splitting up would not solve this problem. It's not the simple fact he doesn't work more that I feel unsupported and trapped each month. Although I understand things aren't easy for DH either. So this it. How do I make peace with it?

Thanks so much if you've been able to get to the end of this. I may not be able to reply straight away as I can't sign in under my usual username etc.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 28/08/2017 08:29

Your H is a freeloader. He would even freeload off your children if you let him. How old are your DCs? You need to look at leaving in a way that doesn't leave him freeloading off you for many years to come. MA!? What a cock.

Original poster
slothsandunicorns · 28/08/2017 08:36

gamerchick I cried a little when I read your post as yes my respect for him is eroding away. I'm not sure how much is left now.

To those asking the age of the DCs DD is 12 and DS is nearly 9 so going into year 8 and year 4. So they are not so young they need constant care at home - DD can pretty much take care of herself and even does some of the cooking sometimes. (This doesn't sound good does it?) His argument that DCs will be upset if he goes out to work and DS has to do after school club etc doesn't really wash with me. Loads of families do this every day and just get on with it.

I think he has gone for this MA in that he genuinely thinks it's his own way of bringing in income in that the student loan does give a little extra above the tuition fees. It will only be a drop in the ocean though and doesn't solve any long term money issues.

OP posts:
Original poster
slothsandunicorns · 28/08/2017 08:40

And thinking about it I am also planning an MA in a year's time but I will do it while working full time as I know that the family would fall apart if I decided to stop working now. I don't allow myself the choice.

OP posts:
sandgrown · 28/08/2017 08:40

The longer he puts off applying for a job the worse it will be and the MA will be useless. My DP suffers with anxiety and depression but has just returned to work as he needs to help support the family. Your DP must get some sort of low level employment while he studies to increase his chances after. He sounds lazy and is not setting a good example for DC.

VanillaFrosties · 28/08/2017 08:41

Can he go and work in a pub in the evenings? McDonald's? He's got to start somewhere and maybe menial work will help him get over himself.

What subject is he studying? Something useful like pharmacy or something like media studies?

haba · 28/08/2017 08:44

But it's a loan! Does he understand what loan means?

Cambionome · 28/08/2017 08:45

Am I right in thinking that he feels that bringing in £200 a month and doing a half-arsed job in the house is an acceptable contribution from an adult? Hmm

Original poster
slothsandunicorns · 28/08/2017 08:48

And come to think about it whenever the academic workload steps up he goes into full on panic mode which means that I have to cover everything work, house, proof reading/feedback etc.

VanillaFrosties Ha ha he is doing creative writing so no not useful in the slightest! He wants to be a writer and while he is very good at it, I am under no illusion about how competitive it is. He got very upset when I mentioned once that he may not have a publishing deal straight away and may need to think about other work!

OP posts:
Cambionome · 28/08/2017 08:48

Reread your last update op - you are planning to do an MA but are going to work full-time while you do it?

Why are you setting the bar so high for yourself but so low for him? Confused

kittybiscuits · 28/08/2017 08:55

The children will be upset if he goes out to work. HAHAHAHA. Your DD cooks. Creative writing. Professional grade freeloader. He never intends to do a day of work in his life.

category12 · 28/08/2017 08:56

If his aspirations are as a writer, is he sending off any of his work to publishers, writing articles for anyone, doing any freelance?

category12 · 28/08/2017 08:56

If his aspirations are as a writer, is he sending off any of his work to publishers, writing articles for anyone, doing any freelance?

endofthelinefinally · 28/08/2017 08:58

Wake up and smell the coffee.

Bluntness100 · 28/08/2017 08:59

He's studying to be a writer? I'm sorry op, I don't think your husband ever intends to work. He wants to live off you. He can dress it up any way he wishes but that's his reality.

A sahp is fine if both agree, but this man is just taking off you. I couldn't have any respect for someone like that. Are you sure you wish to stay in the relationship? It's never going to change, so you either need to make your peace with it or end it,

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/08/2017 09:00

sloths

Re your comment to me:-

AttilaTheMeerkat Yeah I think he has pretty much always been like this so is it fair of me to expect him to change? I didn't marry him for his money (because he's never had any). He gave up his p/t job to do the degree with my blessing because I thought we could afford it but it's amazing how quickly a lump sum runs out. His intentions after the MA? Honestly fuck knows - you can't get a student loan for PhD can you? Maybe he will have had treatment for his anxiety by then?

And what if this treatment is not successful nor does he have treatment by then?.

He seems to be using anxiety and studying as an excuse to opt out of working in any form of employment.

Do not enable him any longer OP: you are selling your own self and your children short by doing that and enabling just gives you a false sense of control.

Re your comment:-
"I think he has gone for this MA in that he genuinely thinks it's his own way of bringing in income in that the student loan does give a little extra above the tuition fees"

He really does think that. Of that I have no doubt whatsoever. But it is not income, its a loan. Such loans are repaid if the person earns over 21K; he will never earn or want to earn that much so that he has to repay it. Yet more debt for him; he has lived his whole life like this and I guess his parents have the same attitudes to money as well.

What are your children learning about relationships from the two of you?. Is this the type of relationship you would want for them going forward as well?. Your DD in particularly is learning to grow up really fast and has taken on some of the cooking responsibilities. You are showing them that this is still acceptable to you on some level.

Puffpaw · 28/08/2017 09:01

Well a job will provide him with some good material for his writing. Has he actually written any chapters or synopses or looked for an agent, or does he just like the idea of wafting around in his dressing gown whilst you do all the work, because he is 'creative'.
Actual creative people create, they can't help themselves.
I don't think getting a student loan is a good idea in your situation, it will just eat in to any income he does finally get when he starts working, and the he'll say it's not worth him working because he has to pay back x a month.

Puffpaw · 28/08/2017 09:02

X post with everyone!

beekeeper17 · 28/08/2017 09:03

He really needs to get a job, even if it's just part time for now. How can anyone think it's reasonable to use a student loan to contribute to family finances, surely that just leaves you all worse off in the long term? How is he even paying for the MA fees?

You don't just need to be thinking about how you get by day to day, you also need to be thinking about your children's future. Do you want to be able to help them in the future with university fees or to get on their feet when they go to buy their own houses? Obviously not everyone is able to (or wants to) pay for those big things outright, but it's a good idea to be saving even just a small amount for your children's futures, it does add up over the years.

I'm definitely not of the opinion that the man should be the main earner, and think it's great that some men take on the SAHP role, but I can't see why your DH can't get even a part time job given the age of your children.

You need to sit down with him and have a serious look at your finances and if the figures don't add up then I only see one option.

Just think if he had been working for the past couple of years but you had continued to live on your current salary and saved his earnings, how much you might now have put away in savings and how less stressed that would make you feel.

kittybiscuits · 28/08/2017 09:04

I'm also a bit curious OP because he sounds like a complete waste of space, how it is that you have been so okay with accommodating him up to this point and it seems you think he has just gone a little bit too far. It's as if you're saying you don't mind if he takes the piss 95%, but now you mind because he's going for 98%. Why are your expectations so low?

Puffpaw · 28/08/2017 09:05

enabling just gives you a false sense of control. very interesting comment attila I had never thought about enablement as giving one a sense of control, but that makes a lot of sense. Light bulb moment for me! Thank you.

Cambionome · 28/08/2017 09:05

Good post, beekeeper.

PsychedelicSheep · 28/08/2017 09:06

I did my MA while working 30 hours a week and being a single parent to 2 kids. It wasn't the best year of my life but I got it done and nothing feels apart.

You asked if him 'having anxiety' is comparable to having cancer. No it bloody well isn't! It's perfectly understandable to feel some apprehension about returning to the world of work after a long break but anxiety is one of those things that only gets better by doing things. He can't expect to sit around at home and one day wake up with the confidence to go to work. 'Feel the fear and do it anyway' (it's an oldie but goodie!) is how you get over anxiety, which is why it isn't really a good excuse for not doing things.

My DP doesn't work much at the moment, he does all the cooking and cleaning though and looks after my kids (even though they're not his). His contributions make it easier for me to work full time, I'd still like him to get another part time job though as it would be nice to be able to go on holidays and things which is hard to do on one salary (when you work for the NHS anyway!).

I think you're being way more patient than I would be!

VanillaFrosties · 28/08/2017 09:10

Oh dear, he sounds like my 19 year old daughter who I've just given a bollocking to for lounging around all summer doing nothing but tinker with her blog. Yes, she wants to be a writer too. This summer was her last chance saloon. DH and I will be reducing the amount of top-up funds for her student living costs and reducing financial privileges, i.e. not paying for a new phone, extra driving lessons, etc. She needs to learn to stand in her own too feet and so should your DH.

You've been very patient OP but now is the time for your DH to pull his weight.

I used to work in publishing. All my authors (apart from the mega household names) had day jobs. Just saying ....

JetBoyJetGirl · 28/08/2017 09:11

I can't believe you're do calm about all of this.

He sounds like a complete and utter waste of space and you're enabling him.

Most people work through their degress; especially through OU degrees.

An MA in creative writing is little more than an expensive, time consuming hobby.

Ridiculous.

Anatidae · 28/08/2017 09:13

It's a LOAN. It's not income! My god please don't do this!

And he does 50% of the household, but you work full time? That's not having an sahp, that's you doing double work. This is NOT a comparable situation to have having one working and one sahp. He doesn't even drive??

He needs to get a job. ANY job. Do not even consider an MA which needs him to take on debt, he has no way of paying it off.

This isn't OK. He needs to get a part time job at first and treatment for any anxiety. He is not contributing, not financially and not in how an sahp does.

Time to lay down your position here I'm afraid.