How do I stop feeling so resentful?

[slothsandunicorns]

Regularish long term poster here but have name changed in case DH looks for any posts under my usual username.

I am usually someone who can see the positive side of things and will use this if I am feeling unhappy but lately am struggling to get past my feelings that this is my lot now. I have 2 healthy DCs, I am healthy, I have a satisfying job, I own a house and a car...there are lots of good things.

However, I am feeling increasingly resentful towards DH. I have always been the main earner and this has been mutually agreed. I am completely fine with this BUT we are finding it increasingly difficult to stretch my income and our tax credits/child benefit to cover everything each month. I have recently retrained and have had to start at the bottom rung of my profession's payscale. It will increase but this will take a few years. On paper this should be OK as our outgoings are comparatively low and we can afford bills/food etc but once they're paid there is little left over for anything like birthdays, new clothes, school uniform, holidays, school trips, house maintenance emergency...and something like this crops up every month.

My parents died a few years ago and we used the inheritance to pay off the house and DH gave up his part time job to do a degree. So whilst he wasn't earning he was around for school pick ups etc. He didn't get any student income as studied with the Open University which is not eligible for loans or grants apart from for tuition fees. He has now graduated and did well. I was hopeful that he would be able to find work so that instead of scrimping and just about getting by each month we could have a larger family income and feel less panicky about extra expenses etc.

However DH has said he does not feels anxious about applying for jobs as he has been out of the workforce for so long. I can understand this would be difficult and why he feels nervous about it. Things came to a head a few weeks ago when our money ran out when we had a few nephews' birthdays to pay for. DH had a go at me for not making enough effort to find ways to pay for them (his suggestions were digging out old Tesco vouchers, using DDs Amazon voucher that she won at school for outstanding achievement). I felt I had already put the effort in by earning the money despite the fact it was not enough. We had a big discussion where I put my foot down and said that if he is too anxious to look for work he needs to get it diagnosed and claim sickness benefits.

He has since seen the doctor and is on a waiting list for CBT which will take some weeks for an appointment to come through. Not able to apply for sickness benefits yet. He has now enrolled to do an MA and the student funding this time will provide an extra £200 or so each month which can be put towards the family income. So better than nothing. But still not enough to put towards a holiday or get an occasional takeaway on a whim like other families who have two working parents seem able to do. DH's attitude to getting money is always to see what he can borrow or what benefits he can claim. It is never get a job and earn money.

I feel bad moaning about this as I know as a family we have a lot more than others. But then other families seem to have much more than us. I just want to have a reserve for emergencies and a little bit extra to do something fun every now and then. I find the endless scrimping and juggling exhausting and feel very down that I'm going to have to do this for the foreseeable future. If I earned an extra £10k a year I would be more than happy for DH to play computer games in his pants all day if this made him happy. Splitting up would not solve this problem. It's not the simple fact he doesn't work more that I feel unsupported and trapped each month. Although I understand things aren't easy for DH either. So this it. How do I make peace with it?

Thanks so much if you've been able to get to the end of this. I may not be able to reply straight away as I can't sign in under my usual username etc.

He is totally having you on. Your resentment is at the injustice of it all. Get mad. Let loose on him and tell him to get going. Part time work wont kill him but the difference it would make to the household is immense. Make sure he doesnt keep it for himself as sounds so selfish.
Sit down every fri evening and go through the finances. Have a business meeting. He needs to face his responsibilities.

Honestly your dh sounds a lot like me (if I let myself slide) but it is not really anxiety that is the cause, but procrastination. I put things off until I become anxious about doing them and then I can't do them! Better to feel the fear and it anyway, or to just do it without thinking. What really helps is being busy. Not enough time for either self indulgent daydreaming or catastrophising.
He may not want to get a job but something like part time temp retail work in the run up to Christmas will really help him, plus it doesnt feel like as big a step as finding a permanent role.
He won't be a very good writer if he doesn't spend time out observing people. As GRR Martin said conflict of the human heart is the only story worth writing about. He won't see or experience anything if he stays home all the time on his games console.
Has he thought about developing a script for a game?

Thanks for all the perspectives - it's giving me a lot to think about not least that I need to take responsibility for enabling this and allowing it to happen.

It's mainly confirmed what I have been suspecting - that he is taking the piss a bit and it means that we are all, especially the kids, going to miss out in the long run.

He has talked about starting up a blog but this hasn't happened yet. He talked about an angle he was thinking of writing about and I mentioned that he should look in ... magazine as there was someone who wrote a similar column and he might be able to get some tips as well as make sure he's keeping his stuff original and fresh. He accused me of not being supportive and saying there was no point in writing about this as someone was already doing it. This is genuinely not what I meant. And nothing's happened since. He knows the right things to do get his writing career of the ground but hasn't done much of them. Maybe he has realised it's not going to be as easy as he was expecting.

As far as what I do about the situation, I have been mulling this over for a long time. I veer between making the best of this situation and finding ways to make peace with it (hence starting the thread) and planning/fantasising about how I could leave and the logistics of it. I honestly don't know what would be best. The kids would be DEVASTATED if we split up as were are both hands on parents. Also it would make out financial situation worse (in the short term at least). DH would also want full custody of the DCs and as he is the SAHP I'm guessing I would be relegated to weekends . But the current situation is slowly eating away at me and I don't know how long I can bear it for...aaargh!

How do you stop feeling so resentful? Stop caring. It shouldn't be hard- he is wearing your care out.

But with that said, you still have financial responsibilities to meet. Plan your strategy to meet those obligations without any reference to him. As if you were a single parent- because operationally you just about are one anyway. Yet he is married to you so you can not scrape him off financially (his debts) without a formal separation/divorce (correct me if I'm wrong?)

He is a liar though, isn't he? Wannabe a writer but doesn't write? What LaughingElliot said is spot on:
"He wants to be a writer? He doesn't need any qualifications at all, he just needs to write! Trust me on this, I have been a professional writer for more than 20 years."

The lying is a bigger hurdle to over come than his unemployment.

As for his mh issues...it is good that he will attend to get a diagnosis one way or the other. Hopefully he is sincere. It is hard (my dd has severe mh problems). You trust him until you can't. Your dd's Amazon voucher is the tipping point on trust, imho. He dipped his hand there, oops!

Why do you think he would be the resident parent ? Not a chance. You're the one who provides the home and the family finances ! How can he be the resident parent when he has nothing with which to support a family ?

Seriously, get rid or spend the next 10/20/30 odd years having the piss taken out of you and your children

x

I bet he wouldn't even want the children unless you are there doing 50% of the work.

How are things otherwise in your relationship? The fact that you mentioned fantasising about leaving makes it sound like you think deep down that would be the best resolution, but you're being held back by worries of what the consequences would be.

If it was me, I'd go get some professional advice about what's likely to happen if you split, in terms of custody of the children, finances, house etc. Not saying that you should definitely leave him, but it would help you make a decision if you knew what might happen.

It's horrible to feel trapped in a bad situation but you'll feel much better when you start to take control of it, which it sounds like you're starting to do, rather than let it continue for fear of things getting worse.

Is that right there to he would get the house and the kids? Would you still have to pay the mortgage and bills for them if you left?

I hope not.

I would be quite annoyed with him too. He's a grown man, he really doesn't have any excuse for feeling anxiety over applying for jobs and therefore deciding not to bother. He really needs to get over himself. The absolute worst that could happen is that he won't get a job.

Earlyriser as her H is the resident parent/SAHP it is likely that he would stay and the OP would need to leave and pay maintenance in the event of a split.

All the more reason for him to get a job and for the family to perhaps use some paid childcare (from the OPs perspective this would put her in a better position).

Earlyriser because that's how it works for women who 'keep' the children hundreds of times every year!

Although, OP, I can pretty much guarantee he won't want the children full time... and the start point is 50/50 residency anyway.

See a good solicitor. I've just seen one and it was £48 for half an hour (some places will give you the first half hour free) so not impossible.

When you've taken advice on how things are likely to be shared in the event of a split you will be in a better position to make a decision.

Why do you think he would be the resident parent ? Not a chance. You're the one who provides the home and the family finances ! How can he be the resident parent when he has nothing with which to support a family?

You seem to have failed to grasp what happens in separations with one parent working and one not.

I can see that now, what an awful scenario. I apologise OP, i wasn't fully appreciating the situation and what would happen and my comment was misinformed and wasn't helpful in the slightest.

YY to getting some legal advice. Knowledge is power and all that.

It is really sad that you think about leaving but are scared of the ramifications. You must make changes OP, however small. You sound very unhappy.

Tell him he's Ignatius J Reilly in A Confederacy of Dunces. He's a literary type, he should get what his means (it's not a compliment).

The cbt therapist will most likely encourage him to set himself small goals to work towards around whatever he says his goals for therapy are. If he says working then that's what they'll focus on. He could quite easily waste the sessions fannying around playing silly buggers though. I don't think HIS goal is to start working, I think that's your goal for him so don't bank on the therapy leading to this lightbulb moment for him.

Start keeping a diary of how much childcare and housework he does and you do. You are actually the primary carer despite him not working. You need to start building the evidence base.

What @RunRabbitRunRabbit says ^.

Also I don't think he'd want to be primary carer on CMS rates. He'd be much worse off.

Given that he appears to be quite lazy I'm not sure he will want custody will he?

He'll say you can have the kids and he just wants spousal maintenance.

OP, I was once disqualified from a short story competition for amateurs because I was classed as a professional.....because I had earned £200 from short story writing within the previous 12 months. That sale was a mad fluke, happened to be accepted by a niche American anthology that I guarantee you won't have heard of.

£200 classed me as "professional" for this purpose.

I'm just saying.

So his income contribution is from a loan? Admittedly at this rate he will never be in a position to pay it back, but it's not income if it's a loan. It's just debt.

I'm a WOHM and my DH is a SAHD who is too ill to work. I would probably be quite supportive if he wanted to do an OU course as it would help to stimulate his brain and give him some community, given he rarely gets out of the house (to the point where having a bad leg ulcer is getting him out of the house far more than usual because we have to go to the surgery twice a week). I may say he also brings in more income than your DH - not by much but he has a property that he rents out (I do all the admin for it, mind you). However, I would not even contemplate it unless we could afford it without putting a strain on our finances - yes, getting out a non-payable loan may be okay but it's still 'there' as a debt, plus there are the other costs of course such as books, residentials, etc.

Equally it needs to be pointed out that you have reduced the family income yourself by retraining and starting at the bottom of a payscale. Presumably this has reduced the family's income (albeit for a finite period). Was this discussed and agreed in advance? It seems as if he does not accept the need by all members of the family to tighten their belts to cope with the loss of income (I do not include using DD's gift card in this, that was an outrageous suggestion).

It's always hard to know where the line between taking the piss and genuinely being unable to work is. I know that if my DH were in good physical health (which he really is not), he'd likely still not be able to work as he would be way too anxious. But my DH also does not spend that much (well, apart from the 2.5K disabled bath we just had put in!) and I can earn a decent wedge so the problem does not really arise.

Incidentally, my ds didn't want to go to before school club for years and so I didn't make him - it caused me no end of problems as it meant I couldn't get to work until nearly 10 o'clock, which meant getting home rather late in the evening, it was a real pain in the arse. In Year 5 he discovered that his best friend went every day and then suddenly it was fine! And I may say it made a huge difference to my quality of life, so I do recommend it. However, note it was me who made the adjustments, not DH.

The fact that he can't even get his act together to do a blog speaks volumes - this guy is not a writer. Perhaps you could suggest he does volunteer work to rebuild his confidence? Even something like running a social media account locally. But I do think you can speak honestly about how the fact that he can't/won't work makes you feel. What about retirement planning? This bothers me a lot.

My DD has uploaded her short stories to various websites for years. Her bedroom is away with notebooks filled with draft after draft of stories. She isn't going to be Caitlin Moran overnight, but at least she's made a start. I'm sorry OP - you've just been given excuse after excuse.

I'm a writer OP, so I'm not someone who immediately disregards it as a proper pursuit.

But writers must write. And when they're not writing they must read. If your DH ain't doing that he's not really in the game.

BTW, most wanna be writers have some skill and lots of desire. But the vast majority never actually finish a project.

I once taught on a well regarded CW degree and I was shocked at how little writing most students and academics did!