How do I stop feeling so resentful?

[slothsandunicorns]

Regularish long term poster here but have name changed in case DH looks for any posts under my usual username.

I am usually someone who can see the positive side of things and will use this if I am feeling unhappy but lately am struggling to get past my feelings that this is my lot now. I have 2 healthy DCs, I am healthy, I have a satisfying job, I own a house and a car...there are lots of good things.

However, I am feeling increasingly resentful towards DH. I have always been the main earner and this has been mutually agreed. I am completely fine with this BUT we are finding it increasingly difficult to stretch my income and our tax credits/child benefit to cover everything each month. I have recently retrained and have had to start at the bottom rung of my profession's payscale. It will increase but this will take a few years. On paper this should be OK as our outgoings are comparatively low and we can afford bills/food etc but once they're paid there is little left over for anything like birthdays, new clothes, school uniform, holidays, school trips, house maintenance emergency...and something like this crops up every month.

My parents died a few years ago and we used the inheritance to pay off the house and DH gave up his part time job to do a degree. So whilst he wasn't earning he was around for school pick ups etc. He didn't get any student income as studied with the Open University which is not eligible for loans or grants apart from for tuition fees. He has now graduated and did well. I was hopeful that he would be able to find work so that instead of scrimping and just about getting by each month we could have a larger family income and feel less panicky about extra expenses etc.

However DH has said he does not feels anxious about applying for jobs as he has been out of the workforce for so long. I can understand this would be difficult and why he feels nervous about it. Things came to a head a few weeks ago when our money ran out when we had a few nephews' birthdays to pay for. DH had a go at me for not making enough effort to find ways to pay for them (his suggestions were digging out old Tesco vouchers, using DDs Amazon voucher that she won at school for outstanding achievement). I felt I had already put the effort in by earning the money despite the fact it was not enough. We had a big discussion where I put my foot down and said that if he is too anxious to look for work he needs to get it diagnosed and claim sickness benefits.

He has since seen the doctor and is on a waiting list for CBT which will take some weeks for an appointment to come through. Not able to apply for sickness benefits yet. He has now enrolled to do an MA and the student funding this time will provide an extra £200 or so each month which can be put towards the family income. So better than nothing. But still not enough to put towards a holiday or get an occasional takeaway on a whim like other families who have two working parents seem able to do. DH's attitude to getting money is always to see what he can borrow or what benefits he can claim. It is never get a job and earn money.

I feel bad moaning about this as I know as a family we have a lot more than others. But then other families seem to have much more than us. I just want to have a reserve for emergencies and a little bit extra to do something fun every now and then. I find the endless scrimping and juggling exhausting and feel very down that I'm going to have to do this for the foreseeable future. If I earned an extra £10k a year I would be more than happy for DH to play computer games in his pants all day if this made him happy. Splitting up would not solve this problem. It's not the simple fact he doesn't work more that I feel unsupported and trapped each month. Although I understand things aren't easy for DH either. So this it. How do I make peace with it?

Thanks so much if you've been able to get to the end of this. I may not be able to reply straight away as I can't sign in under my usual username etc.

Nicola? Nervous... random autocorrect

He sounds like a cock lodger. Honestly, I would rather be on my own than with someone like this.

Saying no to racking up more debt, that as current things stand won't be paid back, is not kicking a man when he's down. It's telling a man that his illness isn't an excuse for jeopardising the family's fragile finances. His first instinct for dealing with financial difficulty is for someone else to make the sacrifice, be it you working harder or your children forfeiting their savings or achievement awards. So stop with the 'kicking a man when he's down' excuse, which is just another tool you employ to explain away more inaction on your part.

You've avoided this for far too long and your resentment is a symptom of that.

I would be very disappointed.

Encourage him to do a few hours volunteering each week in his chosen field?

Otherwise this anxiety is going to grow arms and legs!

IMO you should not be struggling financially as a family when he did a degree so that he could improve his employment prospects?!

Also ime people do OU degrees so they can continue to work along side them?

Put your foot down!

It's lucky he gets to have you around to earn all the cash while he feels so anxious isn't it? Poor old thing. I have anxiety too but sadly for me as a single parent I just have to get on with it. I wish I had someone who could go out and earn the money so I could sit around at home feeling anxious too

To everyone questioning how DH can manage a degree with anxiety but not work he has done an OU course and the MA will be OU as well so he does not need to attend lectures or interact with anyone at all apart from on line. This has probably exacerbated his anxiety as he does not need to go out anywhere.

He seems to interact with people ok during pick ups, in shops etc but will only make phone calls eg appointments if I am not around to do it. He seems to manage these ok when he has to.

And just to clarify DD does not do all the cooking - just something simple on a Friday - and does not cover for DS particularly. He has a small list of chores like putting the recycling out on certain days.

There are jobs that can be done that doesn't have much interaction with people. Cleaning is one of them. You can get antisocial hours. 2 hours a day 5 days a week would be a few hundred quid a month.

I'm medicated for anxiety and have 3 pt jobs. He's making excuses and tbh so are you slightly for him. The more he gets out there and do it the easier it'll get.

Time to shit or get off the pot.

You shouldn't feel bad for feeling angry about this, it sounds to me like he has it too good to be bothered to get back out there.
I had to work my way through my degree as I had a mortgage to pay so I worked every weekend, all of the holidays right through the third year as well. That's what you do when you have a family to support.
Too anxious to work is an excuse, there is always some work he could be doing, for example I had been out of nursing for a long time and was really anxious about going back as a staff nurse so I went back for 3 months as a care assistant until I felt confident enough in my job to then upgrade myself back to staff nurse and it worked very well.
Why can't he do bar work temporarily or work for a supermarket or anything to get himself back into work.
I'm afraid he sounds like a coclodger and I've have kicked him out by now - I can't stand this kind of pathetic behaviour. if you have a family you need to get out there are support them.
I think you need to start issuing ultimatums.

You seem to be bending over backwards to enable his anxiety rule his actions. What's the upside for you?

A writer who doesn't write? He's a dreamer.

He may well have anxiety. But that he would suggest you used your dc's prize voucher means his moral compass is off.

A writer who doesn't write? He's a dreamer.

He may well have anxiety. But that he would suggest you used your dc's prize voucher means his moral compass is off.

OP, you must address this because you will definitely lose respect for your DH if you don't. The resentment you rightly feel will grow and destroy your love for him.

In the short term if I were you I would insist that he does more than 50% of the household stuff. You say that you change the beds and stuff because he doesn't 'notice' they need changing. Sorry, that's lame. If necessary map out a rota of all chores and stick it on the fridge. He must, from this week, step up at home and do far, far more.

There's nothing wrong with DD at her age doing a bit of cooking, but she shouldn't be doing it because he's 'busy' studying...he must start to study around his first job, which for now must be running the home.

I worked PT and did an OU degree and ran a home. Not great, but manageable. A friend successfully completed a very prestigious MA in Creative Writing and has been published, but is teaching to provide for his family. Many of us would love 'A room of our own' to write in all day, it's my ultimate dream. But it is a dream, the reality is that I teach, to pay the mortgage, feed the kids, and that's why I did the OU degree in the first place. Some people do OU degrees as a hobby, others as a necessity. Because of possible MH issues, you are naturally scared that you might push him into work, which might trigger further MH issues, but whilst he awaits treatment I would question how doing a MA is going to help him.

We don't have luxuries, holidays or takeaways. I'm a single parent. I do well to do what I do. I couldn't live as you do, it would infuriate me to know that potentially my family could have much more if DH got a job. Just a low stress mundane PT job would help you so much, and that must be his goal. His reality.

And him suggesting spending DD's Amazon voucher was low. At least tell him to sign up for Swagbucks, where he can do online surveys etc and earn Amazon vouchers himself, for things like gifts.

He's not anxious about returning to the workplace after some years as SAHP though is he?

He has no intention of returning to the workforce for the foreseeable future. And he is prepared to get into lots if debt to achieve this goal.

Surely big decisions like this are made as a team? So he's done his degree. You are doing an MAnext and will need support. He goes back to work while you (continue to work and) do MA. Then he can do his MA at OU and continue to work. You tag team it.

Why don't you go and get a part time job to make up the extra money?

(I am obviously joking - but you situation is almost as bad as this I could almost imagine you thinking 'oh yes I wonder where?' when you read it)

He isn't suffering with a debilitating illness though is he? He is just bloody lazy and setting a terrible example to your DC whilst you are running yourself to an early grave!!

There are plenty of jobs he could do without a huge amount of personal interaction with others. He could do office cleaning - generally outside of working hours or night shift supermarket work, night security at offices etc.

Does he write blogs? You don't need a publisher, you can write a book and have it printed if you pay, then sell copies. I agree he needs to get any job to boost his confidence, something local in shop, hotel, bar, garden, dog walking.i would give him a timescale and if he fails you will know where you stand, should be applying for Christmas jobs now!

Another writer here. Yes, it's difficult to make money writing (I have other part-time jobs) - and a degree in creative writing will actually make fuck all difference to his earning abilities. It might, or might not, improve his writing skills. (I do not have a qualification in writing; some of my writer friends do and some don't. It doesn't matter very much.)
What he could do, right now, is get on with some writing. What a lot of writers do is a) blog and b) self-publish (this can be done pretty cheaply). An interesting blog that gets lots of hits can be monetised, to an extent, by using things like Adwords. Or, depending on his specialists area, getting a few affiliate links on it.
There are also plenty of sites online that will pay for writing (not much per item but it's something) - here's one helpful link for him.
What's his line, btw? Fiction, non-fiction, genre fiction?

Let him start his own thread about how to advance his career. This is a thread about a freeloader with no plans to pull his weight practically or financially in OP's family.

If his anxiety is keeping him at home try getting freelance jobs see the likes of freelancer , upworks, peoplerperhour to name a few!

OP, I've been treated for depression and GAD since I was 17.

A couple of years aho I was diagnosed with AS. Whivh explains the anxiety and misdiagnosis of depression that never really fit.

Anyway. I've always worked. I have had periods of time off but always worked.

I'm a LP. I work full time in a demanding professional role. I work it so that it meets my needs as someone with AS, but I don't have any choice but to work. No one is going to support me if I don't.

He needs to grow up, take some responsibility and sort himself out whether this is getting a p/t job or a proper diagnosis and medication for his anxiety. Lots of people with anxiety work.

I wasn't surprised that he doesn't drive either and totally agree that there will be more excuses after this.

The only writer I know who publishes fiction has no qualifications whatsoever in writing. She also has a regular job because I think the most she has earned in a year is about ten thousand.

He could stack shelves in a supermarket at night. There are lots of jobs people with social anxiety do.

You honestly talk about him as if he's another child.

I'm good at writing, l think l'd like to do an MA in it.....
I've had anxiety all my life. It's managed by long term antidepressants....

Because l have to work to earn money l have to do it.

TBH he needs a kick up the arse!

I appreciate how hard it is to take so much block criticism of some of your life choices but do look back at the excuses you're making on this thread for his (and your) choices. I completely agree with the comment about enabling being a form of control. I've never thought of that angle either and suspect I'm guilty of that too.

The comparison you've made with cancer and other physical illnesses - are these defences he's come up with when you've tried to speak to him about working? Has he planted this seed? I only ask because you sound like such a hard worker (and running too!) that I cant see this thought would ever occur to you - (it wouldn't occur to me).

I've also known a few 'writers' who love the idea of Being A Writer' but don't actually do any writing, or at least nothing anyone would want to read. Is this man the sort who thinks that what the world really needs is his Great Sensitive Literary Novel (all about the anguish of a male writer who no one fucking understands)?