How do I stop feeling so resentful?

[slothsandunicorns]

Regularish long term poster here but have name changed in case DH looks for any posts under my usual username.

I am usually someone who can see the positive side of things and will use this if I am feeling unhappy but lately am struggling to get past my feelings that this is my lot now. I have 2 healthy DCs, I am healthy, I have a satisfying job, I own a house and a car...there are lots of good things.

However, I am feeling increasingly resentful towards DH. I have always been the main earner and this has been mutually agreed. I am completely fine with this BUT we are finding it increasingly difficult to stretch my income and our tax credits/child benefit to cover everything each month. I have recently retrained and have had to start at the bottom rung of my profession's payscale. It will increase but this will take a few years. On paper this should be OK as our outgoings are comparatively low and we can afford bills/food etc but once they're paid there is little left over for anything like birthdays, new clothes, school uniform, holidays, school trips, house maintenance emergency...and something like this crops up every month.

My parents died a few years ago and we used the inheritance to pay off the house and DH gave up his part time job to do a degree. So whilst he wasn't earning he was around for school pick ups etc. He didn't get any student income as studied with the Open University which is not eligible for loans or grants apart from for tuition fees. He has now graduated and did well. I was hopeful that he would be able to find work so that instead of scrimping and just about getting by each month we could have a larger family income and feel less panicky about extra expenses etc.

However DH has said he does not feels anxious about applying for jobs as he has been out of the workforce for so long. I can understand this would be difficult and why he feels nervous about it. Things came to a head a few weeks ago when our money ran out when we had a few nephews' birthdays to pay for. DH had a go at me for not making enough effort to find ways to pay for them (his suggestions were digging out old Tesco vouchers, using DDs Amazon voucher that she won at school for outstanding achievement). I felt I had already put the effort in by earning the money despite the fact it was not enough. We had a big discussion where I put my foot down and said that if he is too anxious to look for work he needs to get it diagnosed and claim sickness benefits.

He has since seen the doctor and is on a waiting list for CBT which will take some weeks for an appointment to come through. Not able to apply for sickness benefits yet. He has now enrolled to do an MA and the student funding this time will provide an extra £200 or so each month which can be put towards the family income. So better than nothing. But still not enough to put towards a holiday or get an occasional takeaway on a whim like other families who have two working parents seem able to do. DH's attitude to getting money is always to see what he can borrow or what benefits he can claim. It is never get a job and earn money.

I feel bad moaning about this as I know as a family we have a lot more than others. But then other families seem to have much more than us. I just want to have a reserve for emergencies and a little bit extra to do something fun every now and then. I find the endless scrimping and juggling exhausting and feel very down that I'm going to have to do this for the foreseeable future. If I earned an extra £10k a year I would be more than happy for DH to play computer games in his pants all day if this made him happy. Splitting up would not solve this problem. It's not the simple fact he doesn't work more that I feel unsupported and trapped each month. Although I understand things aren't easy for DH either. So this it. How do I make peace with it?

Thanks so much if you've been able to get to the end of this. I may not be able to reply straight away as I can't sign in under my usual username etc.

OP, I did a Creative Writing MA. If his is anything like mine, he'll be able to work part-time as long as he knuckles down. There wasn't actually much time in university. I did 18 hrs a week of paid work and I didn't have a family to support, plus I had savings so didn't need to. He does need to. It's nervous to be anxious about a new job. He just has to get on with it.

He's a professional student isn't he? With no intention of pulling his weight.
My resentment would be at spontaneous combustion level op, creative writing my ass 😳

Nervous? Normal!

Hi OP You really need to address this now. Resentment can eat away at a marriage until there's nothing left but bitterness, I read a book recently where it said that there is a 'marriage account' and when you get married you both invest in it. But if one of you takes out more than the other and doesn't replenish it - eventually there is nothing left but resentment. If he is able to study and be around people, I don't understand why he would be anxious to get a job? Does he never go out? - He must interact with others on a day to day level, so where does the job anxiety come from? I understand that you don't feel comfortable making a sick person find a job - but I really think you are deluding yourself here. How are you going to feel in another ten years when you have continued to struggle and scrimp and have ended up with a even better qualified version of what he is now. I don't know how you can have any respect for him at all.

So you work full time, do half the childcare and lots of housework.

The kids are at school all day.

Your dh is at home 24/7.

Your Dh is moaning at you for not finding a way to save money to buy the presents! Does he trail round saving pennies by shopping frugally? Encourage the kids to make cards for friends and family? Meal plan to save money? Spend sod all on himself when it's going to be a tight month?

Is his anxiety diagnosed by the gp? Does he ensure he takes his medication everyday? Or is it an excuse to sit on his bum?

Can't imagine a sahm with 2 school age kids whose husband had to do 50% of childcare and housework, got her 12 year old to cook dinner and got moaned at for not having enough money for a gift would get the same amount of sympathy !

He either gets a job or gets out

I bet you'd be better off financially just you and the kids

And he will have to support himself then ! And pay child support.

Op, sorry but there is now phd funding available by the government.

OP this does gets harsh so only read when you feel able. I really hate being Mrs Judgy Pants from behind a keyboard sometimes and this is one of those times.

Over the years I've done a few OU modules for fun, while working full time in a pretty demanding job. I'd go home and do all the cooking too so I'm really feeling he's taking the mick here. Years later I did an MSc - still working full time. At this point I was running a department. My company let me attend lectures on one morning a week provided I made up the time elsewhere. I did it and passed as do thousands of others each year.

I had to smile when I read that DH didn't drive as that was so predictable. I can't think of anything that would make me despise someone more than me working my arse off all week then having to do all the driving too.

When you do your shopping plan do a housework / chore plan too. Put down changing the bed, bleaching the loo and all of the other jobs that he can't be bothered to see. What you need to do is make it more stressful for him to be at home than stacking shelves somewhere.

I think that your philosophy that an adult can make any lifestyle choice they want under a shared roof is a dangerous one and one that's not realistic. Clearly you're capable of making the right lifestyle choice for him and the DC but he's not reciprocating it. Adults in a relationship can choose how to spend their FREE time after work and family stuff is sorted. This is normally a couple of hours in the evening not an entire day.

I supported XH1 through his music dream. He had a degree and good qualifications but worked a few nights a week stacking shelves in a local supermarket. It wasn't much but he did his bit.

One of my nephews is a SAHD. He does everything from cooking to housework to school runs. He still works a couple of evenings a week doing takeaway deliveries.

Don't justify his role as a SAHD to yourself because of what MN says about SAHMs. It's just another excuse to justify your enabling. Write down what you'd do as a SAHM and then draw up a gap analysis showing what your H doesn't do. Bet the list will bring you to tears.

The bottom line is the household needs extra money and he needs to earn it. He also needs to spend some of that money learning to drive.

I find it remarkable that he has no anxiety about exams, going to lectures full of people and a lecturer who asks questions but does about working.

Oh and of course DD is a grafter. Does she quietly go about doing things to 'help' her brother?

I don't know how you go about making these changes happen short of leaving. Men like this seem to rarely change and left to their own devices are happy to piss life away in a bed sit or Mum's spare room while trumpeting about what a free spirit they are. All I can think of is making it clear he has to do all housework and get a part time job. As I said upthread make it more stressful to be at home.

From what you have written, you DC's are already modelling your relationship. That would be enough for me to make some serious changes.

He's taking the piss, sorry

just to add my money's on him saying he's over qualified for any part time job that he stands a chance of getting so he'll wait for the right (or is that write? [groan] ) job to come along. Prepare your response to that one OP if he hasn't already trotted it out.

He wants to be a writer? He doesn't need any qualifications at all, he just needs to write! Trust me on this, I have been a professional writer for more than 20 years.

I worked 3 days a week through my MA and PhD - most people I know with a family did. You need him to sort out his anxiety and get a (at least part-time) job.

How frustrating. Nothing worse than having someone there who could help but won't.In my experience this is worse than being single. Sorry OP he sounds like he's getting away with murder here. This could go on for ever really and you're going to look back at all the life you wasted on him. He's with you for a reason isn't he? You pick up all the slack and he does fa. What about your stress and anxiety? you'll never be able to be ill or have downtime. Professional dosser is his career. You deserve more than that.

He's not contributing to your family life

I think you'd be better without him; he seems really selfish

What a shocker that he doesn't even drive.

I literally saw that coming.

OP, you're gonna be driving him around at 70. When he's"retired" from "writing".

Oh dear, OP. Huge sympathies, it sounds so exhausting and difficult and you appear to be holding it all together, which is totally unfair.

I really just came on to say that a friend of mine is a published writer and did a PhD. She's one of the hardest-working people I know and has always had paid employment whilst plugging away trying to get published. It's massively hard. Book deals do not fall into laps like magic, there are thousands and thousands of wannabe writers out there. Your Dh simply has to step up and take some responsibility, anxiety notwithstanding.

for you.

Whats the point of higher education if he is not going to apply it?

Sorry no sympathies regarding his excuse of being 'anxious' he could apply for any job.

Personally, for me financial security of my family comes first and I wouldn't want to put that kind of pressure on a partner of not knowing if our money would last the month.

The fact that he considers using vouchers and your childs savings means you cannot afford a single salary household.

He should contribute even if its just part time.

Surely anyone doing an MA in creative writing, would already be creative writing?

Sorry OP but I think you have married an A Class cocklodger. He thinks it's your job to provide for everyone inc him.

I'd be insisting he gets a job and no no no to the MA/loan etc. Surely you can see he is simply using that as a device to keep him at home and out of work. (I did my degree pt while working).

I'm not surprised you feel under so much pressure.

just to add shock my money's on him saying he's over qualified for any part time job that he stands a chance of getting

Yeah don't take this as an excuse. I've got a PhD and between academic contracts /PhD finish postdoc end etc I did any job I could get - retail, bar work, tutoring, writing, landscaping... often two jobs at once.

He's a dosser. And ffs creative writing? Absolutely no disrespect to any writers out there but this is NOT an MA to get into debt for. Writers write - they write constantly, around other jobs.

Would you be financially better off alone?

This thread has moved on a bit since I popped out for a run to sort things out in my head - hasn't really happened have just got incredibly sweaty instead!

Haven't read all replies yet but just wanted to say to Beekeeper17 that yes that is exactly how I feel and what I want and you have summed it up perfectly. You know like what most people aspire to. Nothing crazy.

Also the comment about enabling as control I can see something in that. I know I have a problem in trying to be independent and doing everything myself. I find it very difficult to ask for help when I'm finding things hard and will carry on until the situation becomes untenable. Maybe this is happening now in the relationship.

DH has sent some of his writing to on line magazines etc but nothing's been accepted yet. I also thought someone who was passionate about writing would do it near enough all the time continually honing their craft, experimenting with ideas, noting things down. DH doesn't do this.

What I am most wary about is kicking someone who is actually ill. Would the thread have gone the same way if he couldn't work due to a physical illness. Would we be making the same comments if I was a man posting about his DW who was anxious about returning to the workplace after some time out?

If family finances are so fragile that a few nephews birthdays pushed you to the edge then your family finances were never strong enough for your H not to be bringing in a wage. What the hell would happen if something more important than a nephew's birthday present needed funding?

Before you speak to your H you need a word with yourself. Everyone has their role to play in a relationship dynamic and so far, yours has been enabler and that needs to stop. The MA is just another way for you and your H to avoid dealing with the problem, with the added genius of racking up more debt.

He's either work shy or has a genuine problem but whatever the issue is, it isn't a recent development. It's time to have an honest warts and all conversation, which should have happened the minute he wanted to use his child's gift vouchers.

Your resentment stems from the fact he's been lying for years and deep down you knew things weren't right but you never challenged his behaviour or your own attitude towards his behaviour. You're not just the only earner, you're also the parent to a man who sees finances, or lack therof, as your sole responsibility. Seriously, how the hell does either of you see taking on student loans as a positive contribution to the family's finances? Unless of course there is no intention of paying them back.

If you want things to change you do need to do your part, starting with ending your support/ collusion with yet another expensive distraction (his MA).

I think I'd give him the benefit of the doubt re the anxiety and see what the CBT does. Maybe he's lost his confidence bring a SAHF? Maybe his manliness has been affected by you being the main breadwinner? Maybe he's doing his MA now before you do it to get some balance back in to the relationship? Like he needs a bit more power, respect? I don't think he's lazy, surely managing to do a degree whilst at the same time looking after DC isn't lazy is it?

If he was getting treatment for that illness then you'd expect different replies.

I've suffered from severe anxiety and depression and it's awful (really awful.) but I know I couldn't just sit back and do nothing and let dh carry me. I know he would if I was ever really unable to work and I would him.

But if your dh is capable of doing a masters he's capable of doing a part time job.

If it was a wife returning to the workplace with anxiety the advice would not be not to do it, it'd be reassuring them that it's normal to be Nicola after time off, practical tips to get back into the workforce etc etc.

This isn't a comparable situation - he isn't doing all the childcare a sahp does. He doesn't even drive! He's a child, a student, and you're a grown adult trying to hold things together. No wonder you're stressed

I would bet good money that he has done sweet fuck all to tackle his anxiety in the meantime. There are loads of resources for anxiety online. Loads of apps. I bet he hasn't even looked for them.

His anxiety isn't going to stop him going to fill time college (presumably dropped off and picked up by you every day?) but it stops him filling out an application form? How convenient.