DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

[shockedandsad]

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

Lily, I'm so sorry to read the posts from last night. He's got some nerve! I'm sure some time away with your parents and keeping your distance from him will do your spirits the world of good, better than staying home fretting about his return - though I'm sure you'll be thinking of him all the time.

Some men do seem such cowards about taking responsibility for their actions - it seems typical of them to twist things so that it's always OUR fault - so when they go off the rails, they can say 'I told you so'.

What he said to you was really nasty - and so immature - but probably only said because you'd caught him out and he KNEW he'd broken his word.

The fact that he texted you seems to show that he knows at some level that he's behaving abominably. He probably doesn't even understand himself what games he's playing. Your Dad may be right, this is a blip caused by pressure/drugs/alcohol, but you do need to protect yourself and dd from any possible kneejerk reactions while he's in this mood (hope you've got those documents safe). It would just be nice if he could acknowledge how much he's hurting you - and then stop doing it!

I think MLS's advice is excellent - act casual and put the ball in HIS court for once!

Your dad sounds so wise!

Your dad sounds very wise. I think he's right xx

I'm going to have to sign off now till Tesday. Hope he stops being such a total twat lily. Happy Easter.

Try not to rise to it. Stay matter of fact and cool and calm. Don't argue, and like others have said, put ball in his court. What an arse.

Have a good easter ernest xx

I would take the middle way (like Buddha) and text him to say 'I won't be home, need some space to figure out if I want to remain in this marriage'.

I mean, come on - 'He got really angry and asked who the hell I was to tell him who he could and couldn't be friends with, I asked why he was lying so much about her, and why he agreed to not call her and then ignored it (so he probably never told her at all). Then, he said he'd said it to make me shut the fck up, and to get me off his fcking back. Nice.'

You keep saying he hasn't done anything- wella ctually he may nto have ahd an affair but tlaking to you like this IS something!. If he thinks that's OK, well that's good reason enough for you to reconsider your part of the relationship. IS this how you want to spend your life? Honestly?

Throw it back into his court. Don't focus on what HE wants because I think he is getting a hell of a kick out of that, tbh. Fovus on what YOU need, out of him and out of a marriage. take time out not to let him get his head straight, but to work on your own needs and wants. At thsi point the marriage is - well what? What rating out of ten would you give it? Is that what you want? Course not. Don't worry aboujt him. You're a special person, you have plenty of support- use that to achieve what you want from your life, its up to him to do the same. Now, that might be within your mariage BUT you can only work atm with the raw tools you have, which is a dodgy Dh and an accumulated hanger on who goes by the name of Sarah. He could present with diiferent options but instead of banking on it, start thinking 'what if' and shoring up tyour fortress.

Sorry if that sounds very negative comapred with my last posts, I think contacting Sarah and speaking to you the way he did shows that he is a pretty nasty person, albeit I hope temprarily.

My dad is fab Lucky me.

Dh wrote straight back to me and asked (yes, mls, again!) if he should come back tomorrow or sat. So I wrote back and said I wasn't sure when I'd be back, and he should let me know when he wanted to sort things out. He then suggested Sat, at home, and said that he would really like to see dd too. Also said he has transferred some money into my account.

Not written back yet, am having a think. Of course I don't really want dd around while we shout / I cry etc, but I know she will want to see him. Will say this to him I suppose and see. In fact it might be good for him to not get to see her really.

Yes, I know he has done something by being so nasty, and that not having an affair doesn't exonerate him. I'm sure it must be really exasperating him by accusing him of having an affair and making demands if there really is nothing going on. I'd get angry too. He's probably now just trying to wind me up. Also awful.

And yes, I know too that at the moment the marriage is not up to much. I know very well that he is being a very nasty person, but that is not who he usually is. I'm not certain if I do want to be with him when he's been so awful, but this behaviour is not in his character and I genuinely feel a bit sorry for him. Mug!! Peachy, it didn't sound negative, just realistic and that's fine, I need it!

Tanee, I agree with the texts seeming to acknowledge his bad behaviour. This ties in with everything else, being nice on Mon morning after so vile on Sun. And yes, all documents here and safe now

I know I can't be bullied by him or brow-beaten, but am just struggling to find the right way to actually deal with him. Do you think that seeing him on Sat is a good plan? With or without dd?

Also hopefully things will improve tonight when he sees his best mate. Fingers crossed.

If you want to se him Saturday (I'd leave it a few days longer but it won't harm anything) take DD, you want him back because he wants you not DD.

Hi Lily - I have read this thread and feel very sad that you are going through such a tough time. My personal take at this point is that I think that if you go to see your dh on Saturday you should leave dd behind for this meeting.

I would tell your dh that your dd REALLY loves him and wants to see him, but that you feel that all of the arguing and uncertainty is very unfair on her and that if the two of you are going to try to sort your marriage out, she should not be involved at this point. Furthermore it is important that the two of you are able to discuss your problems without having to worry about looking after her.

Best wishes x

Hi lilybubble. I've been following this thread with an increasingly heavy heart. Can understand that dd deserves to see her dad but don't think it would be a good idea for her to be around when you and dh need to talk about so much. Is there any chance that your Dad could take dd along on Saturday and that you leave it until some time next week before you go to see him. Would give you longer to think things through and also make dh realise - as has so sensibly been pointed out already - that you also have views on the state of the marriage and that any decision making is not solely within his control. Just an idea? Continuing to send my very best wishes

All very valid, thanks. The weekend seems like a good time to talk because of the extra time off etc, which is why I'm leaning into that a bit. If I wait until next week, he wouldn't get home from work till 7 or so, and then definitely would have dd with me.

Feel v tearful again now. Poor dd a bit under the weather, though only a cold, but she's very miserable and has just fallen asleep.

From what you're saying, I'm not really doing enough to be assertive / firm at the moment, but I don't quite know what else I can do. Just feel tired and helpless. Feel so sad that things have come to this, really can't believe it. How can I have been so stupid?

Hi Lily

I have been watching this for a while and feeling very at the way your H (we wont call him DH at this point in time) is behaving.

To a certain extent it does sound like his work problems have caused self esteem issues and a lot of it is a symptom of this but I think the drink and drugs are now making the problem worse.

I am concerned about you leaving your home to stay with your parents - I guess I would be more inclined to pull up my drawbridge and sit on the ramparts with boiling tar.

I think "Sarah" is making your situation worse...he is talking to her instead of you, sorry if I were her I would be giving him a good slap round the back of the head and sending him home.

I would say to him "I still love the man I married but need to think about I want to stay married to the man you are becoming"

Why is he delaying coming home by another day?Where will he be?He should be running home to apologise and make things right if he means it.He is trying to turn things on you and that is so wrong Why does he keep contacting her,has he said?

lilybubble, please don't be so hard on yourself. Advice is oh so easy to give when you're not directly involved and when you've had a darn sight more sleep that I suspect you've seen this last week. Before you speak/see dh - whether on the phone, by text or in person - remind yourself that you are also in this relationship and have choices about your future. It might just give you that little bit of extra confidence that you need.

I wish you all the very best i havent added any advice to the thread to be honest i dont know what to suggest , but i do read it every day for and update...

i hope you get the result you want- whatever that may be xx

Hi Lily

Glad you have the support of such lovely parents.

How has DD been during all this? Is she asking to see her dad or just assumed he is at work? I would be tempted to leave her with friends or your parents when you meet with DH.

So far he has called all the shots - if you have her in tow it will be very difficult to have the proper discussion you need. It will be easier for you to say what you really wnat to say to him if you dont are not distracted by her.

Lily - I can't agree enough with the others advice to remember what you need and want and not let him focus everything on him. I know you probably feel that you need to get this situation resolved one way or another before you can think about what you want but it is so important. Otherwise you can end up just pulled into horrible little games where you can never win because you don't have all the information.

Do you think you can discuss things and try to move on while he'd still contacting Sarah? Have you thought about insisting that he breaks off all contact with her before you go any further? May be totally counter productive though so you probably shouldn't listen to me!

You do sound like you are coping remarkably well considering everything you've been through - you are obviously very strong and I'm sure you will come through this OK. The sad times will always be there but whatever happens they don't last forever. Loads of hugs xxx

The others have valid pints re taking DD_ but i would try and get him some time with her, perhaps alone, so that he doesn't do the back-for-her thing coz that never works,.

There words of wisdom on here

Lily, just wanted to sign in and show my continuing support. Take your time to make any decisions. Hope you can move forward with this soon. XX

Hi Lillybubble - Been away a few days so just caught up with everything thats been going on. So sorry to see that you haven't yet resolved anything with your H.

Honestly I know the sadness you feel at the moment. It really is hard to deal with, but you will. I am 18 months down the left fork of this road with my husband. I left with daughters and am living in private rented property whilst waiting for social housing. Divorce is imminent. Even now I still have days of soul destroying sadness. I find myself crying with gut wrenching sobs whilst driving along, cos I can't cry at home in front of the children. But although these days exist I also have many days where I feel strong, independent and even happy.

There is life after a failed marriage and it can be fulfilling and complete. Although being a single parent can have it's downs, it can also have it's ups.

Stay strong. Be sure of what you want and Good luck.

Aww lily been following this thread with interest ...some great advice... my dd is going through a terrible time her dp just left her with 2 children and my heart is breaking for her ..Just wanted to say let your mum and dad help you and I hope everything turns out ok for you.

I think I'm too scared to say to him that I might not want him as he is as that makes it so easy for him to just walk away. I do know I have choices, but this is all so new and overwhelming that the hurt is still all I can really think about to be honest.

AllySev - I did ask him not to contact Sarah, he agreed readily, continued to contact her and then told me when I confronted him that he just did it get me off his back . I don't think I'd mind if he continues to contact her really. I still don't feel he's having an affair.

Have decided - and told him - that I won't take dd, so that we can talk.

He's with his best mate now, fingers are firmly crossed that he will be able to provide the support that he needs.

I don't even understand why I'm not more angry with him??! Just too devastated for dd and me, and worried about him.

I found some pics at home of the 3 of us together that my best friend had taken in November. THAT is what I want, that man, that husband, that father. I don't know who he has become in such a short space of time and it is breaking my heart. There may not be anything I can do to ever get that back!

Oh lily im crying reading your post I truly hope you get what you want..just remember its what you want that matters

Lily at the moment you are going though something that is a mix between crises management (ie adrenaline making you just get through) and a bereavement. My guess is that the anger will come- probably when youa r eleast prepared for it, possibly with a force even you will be unaware you had in you. Its part of a process- one that officially goes ' the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance'. And then you mix in the confusion, fear, and of course the adrenaline- its potent.

OTOH your DH could come to his senses tomorrow and beg you to have him back. I really hope so, I wouldn't write that off yet awhile.

random, are you okay? i'm so sorry to hear about what your poor daughter is going through. I can understand how tough it must be for you to sit and watch it all too. My mum is furious with (d)h and just wants to bad-mouth him. We had a bit of a moment last night because I don't want to really hear him be torn apart and hung out to dry - not yet anyway - but she just wants to protect me, I'm still her little girl. I know I'd feel the same about my own dd, and it must be wretched.

Is it definitely over for your dd and her partner? I really hope you are all okay. I know my mum has been a terrific support to me in so many ways, and I'm sure you are to your daughter, probably far more than you realise. Do offload here, as you can see, this thread has been a tremendous support for me, really amazing