DH has just told me he's not sure he wants to stay married to me!

[shockedandsad]

Sorry, have changed name here for the usual reasons.

Have had a tough couple of months at home for one reason or another. This afternoon dh has just told me that he's not sure he wants to stay married to me anymore. He can't give me much more information than that, he just feels like the two of us don't get on like we used to (he cites since dd was born) and he feels we might be better apart.

Although we have had a difficult time, I really haven't felt it's more than that, and that we'd get over it. He has scoffed at this. He says he doesn't know yet whether he wants to give us another try or not. Our sex life has not been good since dd was born, and now we are in a position to right this, he doesn't know if he wants to. He says he doesn't have any answers.

I am shocked, and sad, and don't know what to do. Also having bursts of great anger towards him. Now I'm meant to just sit back and wait for him to decide whether he will grace with the honour of giving it a go. If he doesn't want to, I don't know what I'll do. I love him and want to stay with him. We do have our ups and downs, like anyone, I thought, and I am so shocked that he feels this way. Can't stop crying and poor dd (3)is very concerned. Anyone been in this position?

have to say, it does seem like he is trying to shoulder you with the blame...

so sorry for your situation ihave a friend in rl going through similar but her hubby is a total bastard and there is someone else and in the space of 2 weeks he has left my friend with a 1 year old and 1 six year old to move in with her.I really do think you will work it out, i think your both in a rut and cant get out.Good luck ((((((((hugs))))))))

I must say I too am surprised that he is passing so much to you.

Hi Lilybubble - I too would be careful about accepting too much of the blame in this situation. His points may be valid but your companion points/reasons are equally valid. And, from what I can tell, he doesn't seem to be acknowledging those.

I would suggest sitting down and perhaps making a list or a plan for yourself. How would YOU like to proceed in all of this? What do YOU think is best? Make the list extensive and include all mutual areas of your lives - childcare, work, home. Compare it to his suggestions and maybe figure out a compromise or a plan of attack together.

I would be wary of letting him call all of the shots on this one. The fact that he brings home the main income does not give him that right. To be honest, his idea of separating, living in different residences and "resuming dating" does not seem realistic or constructive to me and I would question his motives. For that reason, I would also suggest that you see the counsellor BEFORE making any major decisions such as separating. Again, all the best and good luck.

I have been following your thread and had t cooment on what happened when you talked.
H e has made you feel that this is your fault that you have main blame in this.
Ok you get a job does it become your job to still do 100% in the house and sort outall the child care etc?
I am so sorry to say this but seperate flats??? It does sound like he is trying to walk away all the while blaming you. Sperate flats to me smacks of a misress situation he can come and go as he pleases while you and dd are sitting waiting for him.

You gave up your home, your job everything you knew for him but the fact things have not worked out is your fault.
PLease read over your last post again and think about what advice you would give a friend in the same situaion.

I think that maybe I didn't write that last post as well as I could / should have. It was done in a bit of a hurry with dd keen for me to finish and go and play with her.

Am a bit suprised at how many of you think that he is blaming me for everything. I think I was just trying to press home my point that I am certainly partly to blame, but certainly not totally, and he does agree with this. If he felt anything was a problem he should have sat down and talked to me about it instead of bottling it up to erupt now as it has. He knows he is partially to blame for all of this.

I completely agree that separate flats is a stupid idea, no idea what he's thinking of there!

Jules, I agree that circumstance has brought this about. We did actually have a pretty hard time adjusting to parenthood, especially with dd being such a bad sleeper, and I'm sure that on some level he may well have some sort of resentment that's built up there.

I did only list his grievances, not mine. These are the issues that have made him explode, coupled, I still believe with all that's happened ie redundancy, new big mortgage and then finally a mutual attraction with Sarah.

We are all 3 of us at home for the day now, so we'll see how this goes. As this is to focus on dd, I'm not expecting much to really 'happen'........who knows.

Hope your day goes well

lilybubble - so glad you have had time to talk and had a nice time in the pub. It's very easy to stop being lovers and just be parents when you have a kid. Hope your day together went well and you feel things are still going in the right direction!

Still remember what it is you want though, I think the idea of sitting down and discussing what you both want on a day to day basis is a fantastic idea. If you're both completely honest then you can hopefully prevent any more miscommunication.

Sending lots of love and hugs as I'm sure you're still going through hell but good luck with everything!

hi lily

Good to hear that you're ok. I understand where you're coming from in terms of realising that there are deeper issues and I think it's positive that you both seem to be taking responsibility for those issues and not laying blame in either direction.

But remember, the way he's behaved lately is completely out of order. That's something that you cannot take ANY responsibility for.

Everything you write is absolutely identical to my situation. I've said it before but it's so scary.

DH started to feel better once we realised the issues that were due to both of us, adjusting to new baby, I had 3rd degree tear too, lack of time for each other, living more like friends etc. Then blamed his 'breakdown' on the new house, big mortgage, his possible redundancy, my job....!!
Then suggested we live separately for a while in our own flats so that he could have some space!

Obviously with hindsight this would have been a perfect solution for him to continue having the family life with me whilst seeing the other girl behind my back and nobody to check up on him!

So I completely agree that you SHOULD NOT, under any circumstances, get separate flats. Unless you spilt up completely. He's a husband and a father. He should either be with you both full time, or make the decision to end things. How can you make things work if you're living in the completely unrealistic situation of separate houses and 'dating'? At what point would he then decide to ever come back whilst he's having his cake and eating it? The freedom, the space, the selfishness, and you and dd on hand whenever he needs his family time. It's just not on.
Your idea of moving back to London together and you finding a job you enjoy sounds like a great start. Then he can start to pull his weight around the house (like he should be anyway) and then you should hopefully both feel much happier and therefore, have a bit more time and energy to focus on each other.

Also agree that you should probably not make any big decisions until after some counselling. And keep talking and talking as much as possible. (And having those nice moments like you did at the pub - that matters too!)

I hope you're ok? Like I've said, CAT me if you need to.

xx

Ah, mls your post just made me cry! In a good way though, really. I can't believe there are more similarities, that's so weird - but then again, it's probably really common. I will definitely CAT you. Did try and pay last week, but it wouldn't work, don't know why. Will try it again today.

Yesterday was just a bit of a nothing. Dh was very tired, and didn't want to 'do' anything, just be at home. He was a bit grumpy and I was exhausted having laid awake half the night before (don't know why). Poor dd was so sad saying goodbye to daddy at the station though, and just sat in her buggy waving at him, with tears rolling down her face, it was awful. When he left, we got on the train and both had a blub

Anyway, I've looked into the counselling and will be calling them today. Have also made a couple of calls to my old work, to see how the land lies there, so can hopefully approach my old boss in the right way. Really would like to go back there.

We haven't arranged anything else yet, mainly because there are terrible delays on the trains this week because of engineering work, so dh will be staying in London all week. I think we'll probably meet on Sat.

Great that you're making some positive steps like the job - fingers crossed for you that you can go back there. That would be great.

Where does he stay when he's in London? If he's in a hotel is there any chance you and dd could go and stay with him for a night or 2 if he has a hotel room anyway? You could go shopping/park/walks etc in the day then have your evenings together?

Failing that though hopefully when you're in contact this week you can tell him how much you love him, make plans for the weekend, talk about dd missing him etc etc - perhaps show him what he's missing a bit?

You sound like you're doing so well. You'll get there in the end I'm sure of it xx

He is just crashing with a mate who has a spare room at the moment, so not ideal place to join him, lol! But yes, I agree I need to work on that sort of thing. He is back off to Ireland next week for a few days (he doesn't know more yet), and I think the space probably is doing us all good really.
Then I'm going away for a few days in 2 weeks time, which will be just bliss, can't wait.

Hope things are good with you - going to find your thread now and have a catch up, have been neglectful of MN over Easter

have hardly been on here myself

too busy getting drunk and having the hangover from hell yesterday!

as well as having some nice days out with dh and ds of course!

Hi Lily just catching up after easter. Glad to see you've managed to talk about things. At least you can now look at the situation and see how he feels as well, which is much better as you say rather than him bottling things up.

Hi Lily,
I've just been catching up on your thread -

so very glad that he's begun to open up, and like the others, suggest neither of you make any decisions until you've talked through all this with Relate.

Really, I think 'blame' is the wrong word to use and implies someone is doing something wrong. This doesn't seem to me to be the case with you. A loss of libido seems so common (in my case, it was my ex's that went missing ...)

My ex & I didn't have sex for 10 years after dd was born - at first, like you, because of bad stitching & dd not sleeping well, plus we only had one bedroom, so he slept on the sofa so as to get a good night's sleep for work. Then it became a habit and we never discussed it until the day we split up - by which time I really didn't fancy him anymore (well, 10 years, I ask you!) Unlike most men, he really hadn't missed it and had the cheek to say that seeing his dd being born had been a turnoff!!

So it's better you thresh this out sooner rather than later.

You not working while dd is young isn't wrong - it's a choice you made because of moving and having a baby and he shouldn't 'blame' you for it now. If you can find a job - with your old boss or somewhere new, that would certainly be great, if only for your self-esteem. But you will need to make sure he's prepared to share the domestic work more equally - don't wind up working outside AND inside your home, it'll exhaust you and kill your positive feelings about both.

And speaking of homes, what's this about selling up and buying flats, and then 'dating'.....??????!!!!! Mad idea and will eventually cost more financially than staying put and trying to make a go of things. You can still 'date' under the same roof!

But seriously, I think a few sessions with Relate is the first step - and oh Lily, I do wish you the best of luck! Will keep checking to see how things go.

MLS - sorry but i must take the medal for hangerovr of the year - i got stopped by the police because i 'needed' a lie down befroe i could make it home on saturday!!!

I tend to agree with everthing already said on here but the seperate flats idea not a good one. He really does want his cake ect. You can bring back the spark under the same roof. Have a bath together, light some candles ect. Beginning dating again - whats that about?

Anyway hope it all goes well and remember to get what YOU want out of all this.

Wow, tanee, again it sounds like a really similar situation!

mls, hangover from hell!?!? what happened??!

hey lilyloo, how are you?

and hurtwife too?

Nothing to report from here, literally, as he hasn't phoned, despite saying he would today. Am tempted to call him, but can't make my mind up really. Should I show willing this week and call him, or should I go back to 'aloof' and just wait to hear from him?

hi lily

did you hear from him in the end?

about the hangover - it was just a family bbq that started at 2pm sunday afternoon and finished sometime after 2am monday morning!!

ds was with us but my two sisters (also his godparents) were there and they were great looking after him so dh and I decided to relax and have a few drinks.... and the rest is a bit of a blur!!

not drinking again for a while!!

Hi Lily - how are you doing. Sorry to hear DH didnt call, it seems like you need to start looking at what he DOES rather than what he SAYS, a call to say goodnight would have cost him nothing.

I think counselling is a great idea, he seems to be transferring all the blame to you and (like we do) you are letting him because you love him and dont want to rock the boat too much.

Lily Be strong you have done so well so far. Just look how far you have come. I think he is waiting for you to say you have had enough - and then he can blame that on you too. You must get what you want out of all this - and you dont want someone who cant even phone when they say, do you?

We all know he is being an idiot and one day he will too but it is whether you will still be willing to wait for him.

I was lucky because my h just about came to his senses in the nick of time but it was a close thing - i was ready to go it alone. I think that is where you need to be KNOW you can do it.

You are strong - stop worrying about him (much easier said than done - I know), do some things just for you today and feel good about it.

I am thinking about you take care.

Hii everyone, just popping in after easter weekend. What's been happening? Much too long to try and catch up. hope every0ne's survivng xxx

hi ernest!

how was your weekend? xx

well, 5 of us in 1 room with 1 double bed and a bed settee!!!!! Had 1 big row Sat morning) but other than that, one the whole, really really good. Heidelberg's lovely and we had a fab time, very glad we went. Thank you.