Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

@Bumshkawahwah ah yes, I imagine that will be a bit of a milestone. I never realised what a watershed moment it would be in someone's life until I found out for myself, but it's almost like the "me" who I was before that day and now the new "me" since, it's definitely changed me as a person in some ways. How does your H seem about it? I couldn't remember if you were having couples counselling, if so are you still?

I have good days and bad. I feel like a much stronger person than I was and I have thrown myself into self development as much as is possible with 2 young DSs.

As for our relationship I am in limbo because of him working away. I think he is still in denial possibly about how bad his behaviour was and I'm not sure he realises the amount of hard work he has to do. He is all talk about it but then when we do have an awkward conversation or an argument he just says "oh I'm sorry I shouldn't have said anything" and wants there to be only nice times. I keep telling him that if we are ever going to come through this then we have to push through the difficult talks and be more honest with one another.

We are not having marriage counseling, but we are having individual therapy, which has been very important for both of us.

The other thing that has been really important is lots and lots and lots of talking. We basically put aside some time every single evening to talk. My husband was really uncomfortable with this (although willing) and is been a big effort for him to do it. Despite all this, I still felt for months that he wasn’t really getting it. He was sorry and regretted what he done and he felt awful for me, but I felt that was just this part of him that wasn’t really facing what he had done. Then in September we were talking about something to do with the affair, I can’t even quite remember what, and he got so upset. Something seem to click in his head about how I felt and how things were for me. After that I felt like he was really feeling remorseful, properly remorseful.

My husband struggled with us talking, but then me being upset, or angry, or whatever. Because of course I’m going to be upset wholf talking about this awful thing that he did! But I just kept having to say to him that he needed to do this, we need to talk and I was going to get upset and angry for a while but it's not going to be like that forever. We have to get the talking and the crying and the anger out or els things will never be resolved.

Good to hear that something has clicked for him @Bumshkawahwah and that things are progressing. How are you in yourself? You sound very strong in what you have written and I am full of admiration.

Oh my god, @ppandj, I wish I felt strong! Well, at least i’m not a weeping puddle on the floor, which i still vividly remember from that first week!

When is your husband back again? Is this working away a regular thing?

@Bumshkawahwah he is only working away until the beginning of Dec while he trains for his new job, then he'll be off for a few weeks and then begin shifts. I suppose the time apart is like a forced separation and I can't really tell until he's back but I still feel like it's all about him while he is doing this training. He is optimistic and thinks that once he is on shifts and has more time with us as a family that he will be able to show me he is changing.

I posted on here sometime at the start of the thread. Just needed to post now. I feel very low. Have tried reaching out to parents, friends and professionals. Dc and ddog only things keeping me here. Please say something nice.

I hope you're okay. It's a horrible thing to go through. I've been there, many times in fact.
the extent until the end but I forgave him four times.

Sorry poster too soon and doesn't make sense.

Thanks for posting. Think once will be enough for me. On paper i should feel great. Have just spent week relaxing with friends and family. But it's hitting me now. Next week it's back to reality again. H has moved out. Don't think things will work out between him and me, Don't even know if I'd want them to. Just feel so desperately lonely and scared.

I've just sent you a pm if you want to talk

Sorry @ConstantStruggler that things are so bad for you at the moment. I don't know what I can say to make you feel better other than you aren't alone in it. Keep posting xxx

@constantstruggler, i’m so sorry that things are so hard for you right now. But please don’t tell yourself that you should be feeling OK! You feel how you feel and what you’re going through is one of the hardest things you’ll probably ever have to go through. Please be kind to yourself. The fact that you are getting up in the morning and putting 1 foot in front of the other is a huge achievement in my eyes. Your world has been turned upside down and it will take a while before it rights itself again. In the meantime, you’re very welcome to PM me if you feel like chatting about it (even to a complete stranger/internet weirdo) if that would help.

Can I join? I’m a week in since finding out about h affair. It’s late and I’ve just been reading this thread and I don’t want to go into all the details before trying to sleep. Will post again tomorrow

@queencerulean, welcome to this thread... also I’m really sorry that you have to be here at all. I know how awful you must be feeling right now.

I think it really helps to have people to talk to or vent to or tell your story to even if it is just Internet we are like us. It helps to know that other people have gone or going through the same thing

Thanks bum. It’s times like this in the middle of the night when I can’t sleep that I miss him. I miss him because he was always the one I’d turn to if I had a problem. It’s just so truly hideous.

Thanks bum and ppandj. It helps to see I'm not alone. Even if we're all weirdos off the internet.
@queencerulean, so sorry you've had to join our club. The sleepless nights missing him are the hardest. Please keep posting. All our stories are different so our journeys will be too. But the common denominator is that we've all been betrayed by someone we thought loved us. It's hard to come to terms with. I'm six months in and just hitting a tough patch. Together we'll get through it!

Feel for you all , is so hard isn’t it ?

It is so hard. I have days where I go the whole day feeling quite normal but then something just hits me and I remember and feel awful again. So horrible.

Hi all...I am 3 years down the line from you and just wanted to say that I was part of a thread called 'Hobbits Bar' that served a similar purpose to this one . Some of us from that thread are still in contact and give v important support both emotional and practical. Whatever stage you are at I think it will help to be on here and I wish you all the best of luck with whatever outcome you are ultimately hoping for. It does get better.. x

@Angrybird. Thanks for your post. I think that is what ppandj had in mind starting this thread.
I've felt so much strengthened by the thought I'm not alone. As sad as that is. It's good to see that you managed to set up a support group and are still in touch.

Hello

Reading this topic because it's happened to me too. I found it via google. Finding it a chink of light under the door. I feel so low and I can't talk to friends and family. I never thought this would happen to me, reading here, I'm not alone. It's horrific. So sad. So angry. So let down. So many things. Rollercoaster of doom

Castadrift, welcome and hello.

Rollercoaster describes exactly what post-affair life is like. I’m so sorry that you have to be here and experiencing it. We all know very well that feeling of our lives being turned upside down, of wondering how we could be in this situation, of feeling like the person we married is not what we thought they were.

Would it help to share what happened? Or how long ago you found out. I’m guessing pretty recently.

Also @ppandj, I was wondering how you were getting on. Is your husband back now?

He was funny with me all year. 11th Sep I found out I didn't get a job I wanted, it was an outdoor action job that no other women do and I couldn't understand why he was so supportive of me applying. That day I got the I'm not sure I love you speech. I'm sure I do love him, so the very next day we went to relate.
Two weeks later I found him on the phone to someone with womans voice saying have you told her yet....
World fell off axis. As you all know. Thank you

Whoops I'm fat fingerx on phone. Background, together since 02, married 08, thought we were best friends, soul mates. Shared everything.

He has a very stressful job. He got drunk at Christmas do sbd slept with her
He doesn't know why. Or why he went back for ten months. So horrible. Since discovery we've been go therapy and he's let me trawl through phone emsil whenever. And hrs back to bring his old lovely self. But I hate what hes done. I'm like a smashed vase....