Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

At least therapy is a positive step. You know it’s not about you, it’s about him, right? We all have stresses or in my case, marriage difficulties but not everyone chooses to sleep with other people to make themselves feel better.

I could gave dealt with it if my husband had been pissed, slept with someone else and then regretted it and told me. It’s the keeping on and on with an affair, lying, living a double life I struggle to deal with.

Yes, makes me wonder what is true now. How can someone tell so many lies. I'm so disgusted with him. Dishonesty and deciet is alwats something we have both despised. But I still love him how is that possible.... Reading everyone else's stories gives me hope though thank you all.

Hi @Castadrift sorry you have found yourself in this as well. It's a lonely place to be even with all the support in the world, I think. It's definitely not about you, it is his issue and unfortunately it's unfairly turned your world upside down. Have you any support in rl? Do you have an inclination one way or another for the future?

@Bumshkawahwah hi, yes he is back now. Massive disappointment for me because I had been in limbo waiting for him to return thinking we could start making some progress. Alas, he has come back the same miserable and ungrateful twit as he was in the lead up to and during his affair. We are yet to start counselling, but he is prepared to go. He says he is 100% committed and will "do whatever it takes" and so far he is just not meeting my expectations. I feel let down all over again.
On the bright side I have completed my training and started up a business to run alongside my part time job and this all seems to be going well, it certainly gives me some distraction and makes me feel quite happy so for that I am grateful!
How about you? X

Thanks ppandj
We are gkimg to counselling. Today the counsellor wanted to probe my childhood and it was really upsetting. He got even more upset when we got home though which strangely hurts me more, watching him sob when he's been such a selfish twat is horrible. I'm so very sad. Struggle to talk about this in real life so thank you all on the Internet I've read lots and that helps x

@ppandj - I do wonder if maybe him having been away so long will have meant that he has not had to live with what he’s done, if that makes sense. He’s not been there to see every day how what he has done has affected his family, maybe that’s why he’s not so far on in his progress. It’s also easy to keep up with justifications in your own head when you’re not around people who will tell you what utter rubbish the justifications are. I hope that the counseling will make him see some sense. And I’m glad to hear that things are going well in other parts of your life.

Wizard, of course I remember you! How are things going for you at the moment?

I’m not bad at the moment, I was pleased to get passed The one year mark, although things are not easy around that time. I’m still seeing a therapist once a week, and very slowly working through things. I didn’t think things would still be hard so far down the line. Although it’s so much better than it used to be!

Just back in work after funeral of one of my horse friends. The order of service photo was one I took of her on her horse the weekend before the I don't think I love you anymore day. Which was two weeks before I found out why he thought he didn't love me.

In bits

Castadrift, I think that is one of the hardest things - the constant reminders in really random ways. I came across some cinema tickets today in an old bag and immediately thought ‘this is the film we were watching while H was shopping for jewellery for the OW’. Urgh.

I confronted my DH 2 days before xmas last year with evidence I had found the month before of his emotional affair from 11 years previoulsy (went on for a few years) --it was something he had always denied and the subject hadnt come up for a good many years. Therefore this time of year brings horrible memories now of last year, the argument from hell out on new Years Eve etc. Whilst I am a lot better and in control of emotions, I know I can never 100% ever feel totally the same about us and I do find that quite sad. When someone gaslights you for a long time I dont think you can ever 100% feel the same to be honest, however much 'they' want you to forgive/forget or you may want to.

What books do people find d helpful?
Our counsellor has recommended the Julia Cole one also Andrew Marshall.

I've just bought Shirley glass after seeing someone recommended on here. It seems quite insightful.

I have to say the bit in Andrew Marshall where he uses the analogy about bodies floating to the surface has an entirely different context for me as my work in maritime search and rescue has meant I've done this for real and it's hard to think of anything but the sight (actually mainly the smell) of those has its own bad memories!!

I recommend ChumpLady's 'Leave a cheater, gain a life' :)

No thanks revengeongc I've looked that up and it's not where I'm at.

The other thing I'd like thoughts on is how to get the answers to the 'why did you have an affair / desert your morals and principles / betray me who you swear to love / think it was OK to lie like a politician'

At the moment it's 'i don't know' and terrible amounts of self loathing, anger at himself, even self harm.

He's engaging in relate counselling and has just booked a string of sessions both and individual. The counsellor wants us to discuss things on our own too. He's absolutely on board with transparency, very loving etc etc can't fault him I just need to understand WHY

I'm looking for insightful questions to ask, for successful communication.

Thoughts? (helpful ones only please) Thanks

@castadrift i liked Andrew Marshall's one, although I think a lot of books can sometimes have a few odd things in that I wouldnt neccessarilly agree with.

Ensure that you have different counsellors for both and individual.

The triggers are awful - i threw my apple watch across the room after considering wearing it this morning. Its been sitting in my drawer for a year and i couldn't bring myself to look at a watch screen that reminded me of all the texts i found uncovering the affair.

He caught me at this moment this morning and tried to hug me but I was just stone cold.

I'm over a year out though, the year anniversary is a weight off the shoulders , I must admit. i am currently in the stage of wanting to own triggers. There has been too much sadness and death in my life this year that i really don't want to spend my life like this.

One step at a time.

I left my marriage and due to his infidelity. For two years after finding out I stayed and tried to get over it. I couldn’t so I left. He was very nice to me throughout during his infidelity - which lasted most of our marriage. I could do no wrong and got everything i ever asked for. But he didn’t try hard enough to fix us. In any case I eventually realised the whole marriage was a lie and left.

I met a new man 7 months later and and year and half of dating we now live together. This relationship is utterly sickeningly sweet love; we adore each other. But still I am convinced he is going to cheat on me. I really don’t want to feel this way but I do. I don’t know what to do about it. I realise he is a different man and not all men cheat but in my head there is always the voice.

Am I the only one to feel this way?

Take a deep breath.

Here comes Christmas.

Keeping it together, hope you all are too xx

How is everyone doing?
I did great Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but a trigger yesterday sent me crashing right back and we rowed.
I told my story upthread. It seems H's affair partner half his age had only been married 4 months when she started seeing him. I'm speechless, just gobsmacked really.
Hope you're all hanging in there

Frances destroyed, same pretty much! I gave him the Shirley glass book to read after and he did read a bit to be fair,but won't say what makes sense and what doesn't. He's gone off back to work and left me with a house full of his relatives and mine (they're lovely but I just want to crawl under a rock) thank goodness have the hairy ones to escape to feed.
Can't get him to talk about his feelings at all, goimg go back to relate on 2 Jan with nothing to report progress wise!

I’ve been ill for four days now and told DH I want to leave him

I’m not even sure if that’s true or I’m just ill, but we’ve argued and I’ve told him how disappointed I was at Christmas (I mean it’s nothing hugely disappointing, I just asked for a token to prove his commitment, I got nothing of the sort)

STBX had an ea but kissed her once. He chose her but they are now not a couple. Divorce almost done. It’s been 16 months. I seem to be getting lots of flashbacks lately to when I found the emails, gift receipts etc and all the emotions are coming back too. Do you think this this is normal? I want to be free of all the grief and sadness.

He did make quite an effort, got me something lovely and sentimental that we can add to over the years. But in Fb, a photo from last year of us smiling together brought me crashing down again. Someone outbreak said. "There i was, thinking everything was X, but all along he knew it was Y." That is so true.
We'll get through this, one way or another. We don't always know what the outcome will be, but we do know that we'll get through it.

Badgers, after another poster recommended it, I downloaded, "I can't get over my partner's affair," by Andrew Marshall. It is really good, but one of the main themes is that you must give yourself time. X

I think another thing to beat in mind is it is possible to get over it, but do you actually want to. Something I read once said ‘the magic and sparkle and specialness went up in a puff of smoke’ it’s very hard work to get that back and takes two