mampam thank you for responding. With regards to your DH talking to the neighbour I think you need to spell it out. I actually really think that they need to be told what to do with examples.
I told my H last night that for this to have a chance to recover he needs complete transparentcy even if he sees her in the corridor I need to know. Immediately by phone or text. He then asked what to do (not that he wouldn't know but asked me what I wanted him to do) so we've put together some scenarios:
She texts him - either don't reply till getting home as I may want to reply to her, or reply saying "in my last texts I asked for no contact please stop texting". DO NOT delete any texts I need to see them
She emails him- as above, unless there is a work relating email in which case he is to forward it to somebody in his team without engaging and ask them to deal with whatever needs dealing with. No hi, no thanks for emailing me nothing that shows engagement.
They meet in the corridor, work restaurant - walk past don't engage, don't even say hello. Tell me and yes, as bad as it is tell me every detail, what did you feel, did your heart jump, did you have an understanding look on your faces, did she try to engage...
I know it sounds very controlling but only if he's capable to disengage completely our marriage may have a (small) chance to recover in the months and years to come.
Of course I can't be there to see he's following all this but he has been so honest with me in the last couple of days and answered the most difficult questions I asked so honestly (not sure I would have had the strength to tell him what he had to tell me if the situation has been reversed) that I am positive (at least today) that he understands he has to do that for our marriage to survive not because I have some crazy requests to make them suffer.
And the steps above have been agreed together with his suggestions and me adding to them. He knows that, as they work together (luckily a big business with a big building, apparently they worked there for 15 years together and never met till May) I may at any point ask him to actually change jobs if I can't deal with it. He's willing to do that.
I know there'll be mistakes along the way (if I decide to keep giving him this chance, I have moments when I change my mind understanding what an easier path would be to chuck him out without having to torture myself for the next ... years to come) where he may say hello to her, or meet her in the restaurant at work and talk about the weather, if he tells me we'll have the chance to talk about those mistakes and why that's not appropriate while if he doesn't he's putting our marriage at risk and we will find ourselves not getting anywhere in the months to come.
So mampam while I think your H was an idiot engaging I also think that telling you was the right think so you can now explain why that's inappropriate, and put some scenarios behind it e.g. "Next time when you see her don't engage, don't look, don't say hello. If she says hello ignore it" etc
As my H was also an EA my biggest fear is that in 3 months time he'll come home and tell me that he loves her more than ever and he's not willing to work on our relationship anymore.
He says it isn't the case, that the moment I found out and seeing me what I am going through, seeing our kids and what he had to lose make him realise she was nothing and he was about to lose the love of his life. That now only thinking of her makes him sick and he associates her with the turmoil we've been living since Wednesday which fills him up with anger (at himself) for what a twat he's been. He was flattered with the attention of another woman and didn't know when to stop.
I wish I could believe him...