Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Here are a couple of links I have read and thought of this thread. Just thought I would share them.
The first one is about staying together-

www.goasksuzie.com/rebuilding-breaking-infidelity#.WbqHzWV4WEf
*
The second one is about triggers-*

betraynomore.com/blog/the-5-step-plan-to-end-betrayal-triggers-and-emotional-melt-downs

I wouldn't say I wish he had died. But I feel like my pain and anguish and grief are pretty much as if he had. And I do then find myself thinking that if he had died I wouldn't have to be hiding my anguish from the world and putting on brave faces and pretending everything is fine. I certainly wouldn't be applying for jobs and all the added stress that goes along with that. It would be completely socially acceptable for me to spend whole days in bed crying and people would be rallying round and helping me out.

Not that the few people who know haven't been great. I have one particularly amazing friend who has talked me off the ledge a few times and brought me flowers etc. But I feel like I am over burdening her because it is not general knowledge.

And also because it is a dirty little secret. I haven't told everyone not only because i still have some vague hope that we might be able to get back together eventually. But I am massively ashamed of it. I am disgusted with him, as is everyone I do tell. But I feel like it reflects badly on me too. Or certainly that it would if I do end up "condoning" it.

If he was dead I would just have sympathy. But this evokes something more like pity. So I don't tell people, and have to just get on with it. And occasionally secretly spend the day crying in a heap on the floor

Yes sorry, I didn't mean to be flippant. I just meant, as you say, that I am grieving and yet not able to be open about it because of the shame around infidelity for both parties. I have 2 sons and feel frightened that somehow they will think DP's behaviour is acceptable/normal if I stay with him, which is a bit irrational because I certainly have no plans to tell them about it.

Glad you've got some good support irl. What about this weekend? Can you do anything for you?

@Bedraggledmumoftwo how are you doing?

I'm having a shitty day today.

My DH and I have just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary. At the start of our marriage my DH had an EA of sorts and the full extent/him taking responsibility has only come to light a few weeks ago because we moved house (within the same area we already lived in) and a week or so after we moved a neighbour of ours (also our friend) was at our house and I stepped out of the room for a minute or so and when I returned something gave me goose bumps all over and that dreaded feeling came over me.

It was as if I shouldn't have been there, like I was walking in on a private conversation. As it happens my husband was putting away our grocery shopping and our "friend" was watching him and had hold of her DC. There was just something that I just couldn't put my finger on or shake off.

Later on I confronted my DH and he got all defensive which didn't do anything to reassure me whatsoever.

Let me go back 9 or so years. DH worked in a very male environment. A woman (the only one) started working along side him and they quickly became friends. I had absolutely no problem with this and was pleased that he had made a friend at work as the guys he worked with were dickheads.
I'll call her Annie from now on. Annie was in a relationship herself. She would lend DH things like DVD's and as her parents lived just down the road from us she would often drop off DH's payslips for him as he didn't work on payday (they were paid weekly). I always liked her and thought she was really nice.
One day on his way home from work DH had a car accident. He returned home in Annie's car that she had leant him. DH was quite shaken and I pointed out that on his insurance he wasn't insured to drive anyone else's car. I drove it back to his work with him so that he could pick up a work vehicle instead.

DH was a few paces ahead of me as we walked into his workplace and I remember she was giving him a beaming smile. As soon as I came into her line of sight her face dropped and at that point I knew that she obviously had a crush on him.
I even joked about it with DH on the drive home as I was not at all threatened by it as at this point I truly and completely trusted him.

The following week, DH accidentally called my number from his mobile which was in his pocket. I listened for 40 minutes before hanging up. In that 40 minutes nothing untoward was going on but I heard DH telling Annie about something he really dislike, I didn't even know that about him and he was talking to her at times in the silly voice that he would talk to me in when behind closed doors, you know the kind of voice that if anyone else heard you doing you'd be mortified!
When DH returned from work that day I asked him how his day was and who he'd been working with. He lied. He didn't realise he'd accidentally called me. He had no reason not to tell me he'd been working with Annie. He swore there was nothing going on, got defensive, couldn't give me and explanation as to why he'd lied about who he was working with, said he spoke that way with all his work colleagues
We had a blazing row and I told him that if he wanted to continue our marriage that he could no longer be "friends" with Annie and could only be work colleagues.

It was hell on earth with him going off to work with her everyday but to give DH his dues he did as I asked and stopped being friends with her. Annie did not take too kindly to it. At first she tried to step up a gear, trying to bring DH's payslips to the house when I was at work in the evenings that kind of thing and then she turned into the scorned woman and made some real trouble for DH at work which ultimately lost him his job. Annie started to take credit for work that DH had done. She would trip him up, make him look incompetent and lazy in front of the boss. Eventually, work life became unbearable for DH and to cut a long story short he handed in his notice eventually but he had essentially been forced out of job.

Over the years, this whole situation has reared it's ugly head on many an occasion as there were so many unanswered questions and I never felt like I had a proper explanation.

Fast forward to present time and something put me on edge about DH and our neighbour alone together. We had a row about it and actually it raised trust issues that I had with him as a result of what had happened with Annie and other issues with our relationship too.

I tried to look at it from the outside in as if it was someone else and put together some facts that I confronted DH with.

I had never given DH any reason to think that I was jealous or had a problem with Annie.
DH lied to me, seemingly with no reason to about who he was working with that day.
I had heard the way he spoke with Annie, more intimately than you would do with a friend.
If nothing untoward was going on, why did he lie?
If nothing was going on why did Annie act like the scorned woman?

I basically backed DH into a corner with no way out and it was only then that he admitted that he knew that Annie had feelings for him but he didn't want to tell me but he said that he didn't feel the same. I wouldn't accept this as an explanation as I felt that he needed to accept his side of the blame and not just heap it all onto Annie. It was only then that DH was completely honest with me(I hope) and he admitted that he liked the attention she gave him and he enjoyed flirting with her. He said he zoned out of our relationship for a while.
I'm angry with him because he's essentially lied to me for almost 10 years. If he had just told the truth back then or at some point along the way when I've had a wobble about it then I wouldn't be feeling this hurt and insecure right now.

With regards to our friend and neighbour, I immediately asked him to hand over his phone which he did and he doesn't even have her number.
His explanation of that day was that he felt awkward around her as he was struggling to find things to talk to her about and didn't know what to say to her.

I just put it down to me being paranoid......until a couple of things that have happened since and I have to say, I think it's her and not my DH as there is nothing suspicious or wrong with his behaviour that I can find and yes I have yet again become that person and have been snooping in his phone.

The first thing was that our DC were playing with her DC at their house. I went to get them as we were going out as soon as DH returned home from work. As I was talking to our neighbour I was stood in her living room with my back to the window. She's quite annoying in that she gets easily distracted during a conversation and you never know whether she's actually listening to you or not. This particular day I was talking to her and she got distracted and kept looking out the window, she also had a silly smile on her face. I stopped mid conversation and turned to see what she was looking at and she was watching my DH as he was stood at her gate chatting to our DC and hers.

Second odd thing was a couple of weeks ago her DC were playing in our garden. She came to see if they were ok and came into the house, plonked down on the sofa for a chat. DH was in and out of the house pottering around but every time he was in the same room as us she had that stupid smile on her face again and tried to engage him in conversation. It made me feel really truly uncomfortable.
After neighbour had gone home DH and I had a frank conversation where he said that he feels uncomfortable around her. Not that this would ever be a normal occurrence but I've asked him, where possible to not ever be alone with her, mainly for my own sanity. And I think I am insane aren't I? And overly paranoid.

So the reason I'm having a shitty day today is because I had to leave the house this morning before DH. As I'm on the doorstep, trying to gee up the DC, DH says "we're being watched". I had sunglasses on and looked up to see neighbour watching us out of her window. This isn't the first time as I've seen her doing it before, (before I had any crazy suspicions), when I've been saying goodbye to DH, she's been watching us, I do try not to look now but sometimes it's hard not to. I've even waved at her before when she's been doing it!!
This morning she was watching us for ages and in my paranoid head she was watching to see me leave and hubby would be alone. Of course in reality he had to see one of our DC to the school bus and then he would have to leave straight away to get to work on time but I felt sick this morning.

Anyway thanks for reading if you've made it this far. I know its jumbled and probably doesn't make sense but it does feel good to get it off my chest. No one in RL knows. I just can't bring myself to confide in anyone. Plus I know I'm being silly aren't I with this whole thing with our neighbour.

I just wish I wasn't in this place of paranoia. Why did DH have to ruin the trust between us all those years ago? Why when I wasn't I good enough for him? Has he stuck with me for so long because he's had no alternative? What would have happened if I hadn't have heard him on the phone and caught him out all those years ago??

I'm driving myself insane.

Hi @mampam sorry about your shitty day. I hate how the shit days just hit you like a ton of bloody bricks!

What has your DH done over the past decade to regain your trust? Do you feel his effort has been adequate? It sounds like the Annie situation is unresolved for you and like you say, completely broke your trust. Have you had any form of counselling as a couple? How is your relationship overall?

I don't know about the neighbour. On paper it doesn't sound like much to me, but I think our intuition doesn't lie. If something is making you uncomfortable then that is a problem that needs dealing with, in my opinion. When he says that she makes him feel uncomfortable, does your DH say in what way?

Reading your post I really empathised with the horrible feeling of driving yourself mad with all the questions and scenarios. For me, counselling has really helped with that. I don't know if that's an option for you. How old are your DCs? Keep posting on here, it's not nice bottling it up!

Hope everyone else is doing ok.

Sorry, I didn't mean to post and run. I wasn't sure if I was going to come back to this thread.........admitting to others what has been/is going on was a big thing for me.

I asked DH why he finds it uncomfortable around our neighbour. He said it's because she's suddenly become far too confident. He hit the nail on the head really, I agree. Don't get me wrong I'm pleased for her that she has gained her confidence back after having it stripped away in her previous relationship but this is an over confidence, like she's full of herself.

I've been doing ok and just brushed it to one side until yesterday evening when DH and I were going for a walk.

He went on ahead of me to put the bins out, I waited back as I thought I could hear the DC arguing. Neighbour wouldn't have seen me where I was stood but she had a Birdseye view of DH from her house. I predicted how it would play out before it happened.........sure enough she appears out of her house, spies me says and quickly says "alright mampam?", doesn't speak to DH and pretends she's getting something out of her car.

DH and I both agree that was convenient and predictable. DH says now he thinks about it, she comes out of her house more often than not when he's in the communal area getting into his car or putting the bins out etc. But says he only ever says Hello to her and goes about his business.

I've come to the conclusion that there is 1 of 3 scenarios going on here:

1. We/I have got this all wrong and are completely over reacting. Am just paranoid. Neighbour just happens to go outside when DH is there and she's a nosey neighbour straining herself to watch us out of the window.

1. There's something that's going/gone on between my DH and neighbour.

1. She has designs on my DH and is going out of her way to try and make it happen/get his attention.

Can I just add that she does have a boyfriend living with her. I was surprised when he moved in as she always described him to me as "not Mr Right just Mr right now".

I don't know. I just don't know. I feel like I'm going insane and becoming paranoid.
I booked myself an appointment to see my GP. I feel like I'm losing the plot.

Just out of interest why is a woman's default position more often than not to either carry on with the relationship or if they leave for the OW, hope that they come back? I always find this one difficult to understand. Are women just more forgiving? I accept that children come into the mix but often it reads to me that it is the fear of the unknown and the financial uncertainty that keeps you with someone. Do women love more than men too?

My wife had an affair many years ago and that was that. I ended it the minute I found out and moved on. My love for her died that second. She didn't deserve another chance for me as surely if you haven't got fidelity in a relationship then what have you got. Yes she was begging and crying etc etc but it was too late. She made her bed.

Hi ladies. Just looking for some support. He doesn't know I know yet. No affair as such but definitely signed into swinging sites and has been sending and receiving explicit pics and messages. Always when he's out or I'm asleep. I feel so inferior and like he's a stranger to me and that our whole life is fake. We have one DS 9 and I feel sick that he's gambled us. He's just gone out now and has taken his phone charger (prob cos he uses his fucking data so much ha!) I'm in bits and I've been snooping around the internet. On the site he's on there's a very explicit pic, says he's single, has two "recommendations" (one from an ex mutual friend who I know he slept with before we got together) I'm torn between ringing him right now and telling him everything or keeping my mouth shut and ruining his life from the inside. I know I know, I'm angry but really upset. Aaaaghhhhhhh

Jen- he will try to wriggle out of it. I would join th me site, send him a message, agree to meet and then be there when he turns up.

Jen - that's awful. I think the feeling that your life has somehow been fake, that it's all been a lie is a pretty normal reaction.
Do you feel like you want to confront your H? Perhaps you could gather as much info/evidence as possible so when he tries to minimise you are armed with the facts.

Big hug coming your way from me.

Awww thank you for your reaposes. I think I've gone from mad to hysteria to calm before the storm. I def like the idea of joining the site I just don't know if I have the guts or the nerve to keep it going. Palms are sweating just thinking about it. Hug much, much appreciated. He's home at 5 so I need to make a decision :-/

I know if it were me I would have to confront DH straight away as I wouldn't be able to keep up the pretence.

When I found out my exH (yes I've been cheated on before too in my previous marriage) had been cheating it was an immediate confrontation. He thought he'd been clever enough to delete her texts to him but he hadn't realised that everything he was sending had been saved (back in the days of the old Nokia's).

We had friends over and I couldn't breathe. I felt like I was choking and they were all horrified and were asking what was wrong. I immediately said to my then H, "why are you texting XXXX?", he didn't reply, he didn't need to as the look on his face said it all.
In hindsight I really wish I'd not said anything immediately but could have done a bit more investigating and could have put the spanner in the works for them. Not sure I could have done it though as like you said I'm not sure if I would have had the nerve or could have kept up the pretence of a happy wife.

Good luck Jen whatever you decide to do. Keep posting if/as and when you need to.

Jen, so sorry for what you are going through. You are not inferior. You are not betraying your spouse's trust by looking elsewhere - he is. Unless the two of you discussed having an open marriage, then he is deceiving you & breaking the promises that he made to you about being your husband & staying faithful. You have every right to be really angry.

Screen shot what you've seen, so that you have proof, should you need it (because denial is often the first form of defense).

@mampam @Margolovebutter
That is horrific, so you just asked him infront of everybody ? You sound braver than me, I'm dry wretching and tipping between sheer rage and despair. I know it sounds immature but my mum is having our little boy tonight and do you know what, I could just walk out, go get blotto and fucking laid ! I'm soooo sad but so shown up. I feel dirty, disposable and the fact that his fucking bits are all over the internet just makes me wanna punch him in the face and tell all the woman he's been messaging what they're ACTUALLY messaging. Screenshotting is a good idea but I don't know if I'll get the chance or if I even want to be here when the c**t gets in: isn't it sad when the only person in the world who could comfort you is the one who's fucking doing it to you?!
Ps sorry for all the swearing. I'm exceptionally grateful for your responses, I really am x

Deep breaths Jen. Don't do anything daft tonight, it won't make you feel better.

You are not disposable or dirty, you are the same you that you have always been. He is the one with the bad behaviour going on here.

Try and think what you want the outcome to be. Do you love him, do you want to be with him? On what terms could you forgive him? Try and find a bit of head space to think this through.

@Margolovebutter
Yes you're right and I bloody know it ! Holy shit this is hard. I feel like the minute I see him I'll either head butt him or burst into tears. But then I go into calm seething "just you wait" mode. It's odd and I don't like these emotions.
I love him, I've always loved him. I don't actually WANT to break up but is that just me being jealous and now kind of needing him more as I feel like shit ? I'm breathing and thank you x

Sorry to hijack your thread. He's home now and has bought all the stuff to cook the chicken I love. I've run a bath and he's just tidying up and being lovely. Obviously after a shag or has just had a great message sesh online today ? Prick

Jen I know guys like this in my industry. They get away with it for years thinking the lovely wife will never found out. Or do you think this is a recent thing?

Thanks for your reply. No don't think it's recent but don't think it's been forever either :-/ I just feel so stupid to be honest like naive and abit crushed. Don't get the appeal in sexting and pic sending when IM right here xx why carry on with me if that's what he wants to do ?

How are doing Jen? X

Jen because he can and the sneaky bastard thinks he's really fucking clever doesn't he. Coming home and making you chicken.

Grim.

I'm ok thanks yeah it is grim isn't it xx I've just kept my mouth shut to be honest. Don't know what to do x

Hi all! Not a thread I ever wanted to join. Ever! I've name changed as I don't want my previous posts associated with what my shit H did.

Mine is very raw, I discovered it yesterday. I had the perfect marriage (I thought) sex was great, we texted each other a few times a day with kisses and love you and miss you, we cuddled in bed we were perfect and all the ppl IRL thought that too. He adored me and I could have laughed in your face if you would have said he'll be cheating on me. Twat!

Then in the last couple of months he became a bit snappy and so did I to be fair with a kid going through GCSEs and another through 11+. The usual excuse on his side, too busy and stressed with work.

Then in the last few weeks I knew something is wrong, he was emotionally disengaged while at the same time he had some unlike him behaviour: an expensive jacket on holiday, a new fucking expensive car (as sad as it sounds he's never an impulse buyer, doesn't do surprises) and started saying we need to spice our sex life up, asking for new things in bed, basically all the cheater's behaviour.

I questioned but of course there wasn't anybody else.

Yesterday I was off sick from work and decided to sync the iPad to his account, stupidly he gave me his password. And then the text imessage came: "love you too!" in response to his text to her. I'll never un-see that text again

Since then it is torture. I screamed, cryed, said nothing. Asked him to leave but I wanted to know all the details first. By the end of the night I knew I couldn't make a clean cut as I would be dreading telling the kids. Not giving him another chance meant not giving them another chance to have the happy family we had.

And if I am totally honest I still love him. And hate him at the same time. And his behaviour is the needed one, he cried, asked, realised how stupid he was, told me how he adored me and how he realised he didn't love the OW. Told me all the truth and 99% of the time I believe he did tell me everything because it was all the gory details I asked for.

It all started with friendship and they slept together twice. Then they stopped because apparently they realised it was wrong but the EA continued. She works in the same building different departments and the thought of him going back to work on Monday kills me. We both took the time off this week but I honestly don't know how I will cope with it on Monday.

He texted her last night to tell her it is over. I vetted the text but now I feel it wasn't enough, he didn't hurt her by telling her he loves me and only me.

Also wanted to say I've read all the stories here and I empathise with all of them! Is so fucking hard to move on. H is aware it won't go away any time soon I still wonder if he has the energy to keep the penitence up for as long as I need it, to see my angry face, then my sad face, today I wanted cuddles, then I wanted to punch him (didn't, just told him that's what I want), then I sobbed.

How is everybody coping with it? The questioning, I keep asking the same questions on repeat...

Slept only for 3 hours and lost 5lb since Friday when I confronted him asking what's going on and he lied the whole weekend. Can't eat, can't sleep...