Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Screaming, personally I think the Vibrator thing is as bad as sex in the marital home. How you can get past that I don’t know.

Broken- that is so disrespectful. He will do anything if he will do that.

I’m not sure why these two men are worthy of your efforts.

Broken sending you big hugs I don’t have any answers and I hope the councilling helps you whatever you decide to do.

Broken, do you have familiy you and the children can move in with for the time being?

Do you own your house? Could you rent it out to finance a move to another house?

My husband got up to his nonsense in a neighbouring country and I do know that one time I went up to meet him he’d spent two days in the hotel room with someone before I got there. I actually overheard two cleaners speaking about it. I still think about it and that wasn’t even my home, just Being in the same bed as them was bad enough.

And what you’ve said about not having peace in your own home is spot on. It’s an invasion of you and I can recall saying to one of my daughters - I feel as if every part of my life had been taken away, it feels like identity fraud. Everything I am and have been for decades two other women now are. There wasn’t a part of me left that was mine to call my own. Everything I was, other people now were. I felt as if I’d been hijacked. It’s the reason why I decided to seperate some time later. I had to build a new me. I had to be a ‘me’ those women didn’t have a part off when they’d had every other part of me and my life.

At the time though I didn’t know people who go in for no boundary, extreme thrill type of cheating are not your normal kind of cheat. That came a wee while later, once I’d been on my own for a few months and I’d get brief moments of clarity in a day that made me think - no, this isn’t normal behaviour.

And I’m sorry but your husband laying the blame for most things at the OW’s door is not on because it always takes two hands to clap. It’s not just sometimes. It’s always.

I’m worried about your health. Have you been to the Dr? Are you close by your familiy?

Why didn't I notice? Am I a codependent? So many questions!

I get it. I really do. Xx

Hi again, No family to help as such, I have changed I can feel it, I am shaking on the inside all the time, my hands have now started to shake, He is trying, he really is, but last night I flew in a rage, I have never never in my life acted that way, its as if he has released this evil person,

its as if he has released this evil person

Please don't do this to yourself. You're not evil. You're a lovely woman who's been dealt the most awful blow, you're in agony and your screaming out just as you would be if you were operated on without an anaesthetic.

The shaking is called being in a state of heightened arousal. You can google it if you feel like it. Sometimes it helps me to understand these things but then I do live very much in the world of how the brain works because of my boy.

Im sorry you're going through this.

I shake too Broken! They did this to you, it’s not your fault.
You are living in a nightmare not of your own making. X x

Shaking is common, lots of articles on it (PTSD) but here is one of them:

lessonsfromtheendofamarriage.com/2013/01/30/divorce-and-ptsd/

Dammit. Just got our first choice school for DC. She texted a few people to let them know including OW. Kids don’t know what has been going on and DC and OW DC were raised like siblings because H,ow and her H are all a bunch of lying fuckwits. Her DC’s don’t have a phone but do have WhatsApp etc which my DC isn’t allowed so now they know and I didn’t want them to. Shaking again now. I’ve secretly blocked her on DC’s phone now and deleted the number. Hadn’t crossed my mind to do that. H just said oh I still have them in my contacts too, do you want me to delete them? Eerr no shit Sherlock!

Sorry Screaming that must be hard that your daughter instinctively wanted to share her news with the OW. I can’t imagine how I would feel if my children had a relationship with the OW. It would eat me up I think. Congrats on getting the school you wanted.

Though I think that if I left my H he would probably try and pick things up with her as he hates being alone and she is single - I dread that happening and her becoming part of my children’s lives plus our mutual friends, etc.

I am finding everything so difficult this week. I don’t know what changed from last week when I was feeling much better about things but I can’t stop thinking about how he chose her over me. He hadn’t known her long when it started and I can’t believe he was willing to risk throwing away everything we had for someone he’d practically only just met.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about our relationship before this happened and I put up with way too much shit and prioritised his wants and feelings over my own. And this is how he’s repaid me! I really feel like I want to leave this week and there’s no way back but then I think of the kids and feel so guilty.

But HE is the one who should feel guilty not me. I feel like I’m in an impossible situation. Roll on kids’ bedtime so I can have a

Though I think that if I left my H he would probably try and pick things up with her as he hates being alone and she is single

Sparkle, that is just so sad on so many levels. That you're with someone who you think could go back to the OW?

I dread that happening and her becoming part of my children’s lives plus our mutual friends, etc.

I understand.

I am finding everything so difficult this week. I don’t know what changed from last week when I was feeling much better about things but I can’t stop thinking about how he chose her over me. He hadn’t known her long when it started and I can’t believe he was willing to risk throwing away everything we had for someone he’d practically only just met

I think they block it out, the possible repercussions.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about our relationship before this happened and I put up with way too much shit and prioritised his wants and feelings over my own. And this is how he’s repaid me!

I doubt repaying you comes into it even one little bit for the simple fact men who have had their needs prioritised by wives who put up with too much shit take it all for granted, they think its their right, and they've never dream of trying to repay the wife for it.

I really feel like I want to leave this week and there’s no way back but then I think of the kids and feel so guilty

Sometimes a person has to leave in order to work out what the eventual outcome will be. But I really do understand what you are saying about the children - however being miserable in a marriage is soul destroying and the effect it has on you should also be considered when thinking about the children.

There is also the fact that if you feel your husband could go back to the OW it could happen anytime and you staying wont prevent it.

Im sorry. Really.

Thanks Fionne. You are a wise soul.

I don’t think he’s in touch with the OW as such as I did whatsdetective and it didn’t seem like they were messaging each other. She was on it a LOT which did me wonder if she’s got someone else on the go. They do still work together though so they could talk at work and I wouldn’t know. She is leaving soon, which is a good thing.

I think he is committed to staying in the marriage but if we were to separate and they were both single I’m not sure what would stop him? Well other than the obvious reason she had broken up his marriage! She’s a lot younger than me, attractive, intelligent and they have a lot in common. She seems his type. It does kill me to think of them having a relationship and everyone accepting it.

I really wouldn’t stay if I was unhappy in the longer term, not even for the kids.

It’s a rollercoaster isn’t it. One I don’t want to be on!
My h has promised(pfft) there was never any intention of leaving, that it wasn’t as glamous or sexy as I think etc etc bla bla bla. All I say is so you disrespected me and shit on our marriage, put everything on the line for nothing. He admitted he doesn’t like thinking about it because he’s ashamed and embarrassed. We’ve had 3/4 counselling sessions and he doesn’t see the need to book any more. “It’s expensive”. I started looking at divorce today. Not sure it’s what I want but if you live together for 6 months after finding out about an affair you can’t sight that as a reason for divorce!!!!

That 6 month rule for adultery seems really unfair - should be at least a year!

I agree starlight the 6 month rule does seem unfair that’s not enough time to get your head round things. I obviously couldn’t use that as he hasn’t comitted adultary and slept with her so it would be on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour
It sure is a roll a coaster I also have what’s app detector he’s not been on it all week then suddenly today very briefly she’s on it all the time and despite being ok all week my mind is going into overdrive that he was messaging her re meeting up tomorrow with the dogs although he could of messaged anyone but nowadays I always doubt him and think the worse.

Now I know about the 6month thing it’s all I can think about. The conceived wisdom is that it can take up to 2yrs to heal from an affair. How is 6months enough time. If we do split I want her on the paper work.I want that recognition that they fucked it all not me. I don’t want him to be able to say I tried and it’s your choice etc.

I don’t want to split, he is trying but not enough, I want more counselling but he feels it’s expensive and not helping because I haven’t moved on yet!

Your solicitor will probably talk you out of naming her officially, at least the one I consulted did. It can make things drag on more to involve another party.

If you decide after 6 months you do want a divorce you can divorce for unreasonable behaviour and list adultery as one of the examples (you have to provide a few). I know what you mean though, if we divorce I want it all official and in black and white that it’s due to infidelity.

Screaminginsideme I could handwritten your 19:27 post word for word.
He's been trying....since New Year.
Before that he was back in contact as a WhatsApp friend. I found out about the affair on my birthday last March, then that they were still sexting/texting in July. He's adamant that there was no sexting, but he wouldn't let me read the texts. If there was nothing to hide, he wouldn't have hidden it.
I veer between wanting to stay and just wanting to cut free and start again. My dc are 20 and 16.. 16 y.o . Screamed at me to F.O. yesterday...He's stressed with his GCSE s. Thing is, when he's done them, I might just do that.
It's coming up to the 12 months mark that I found out....my birthday, and it still hurts. I just can't believe that this is my life, after 27 years with him.

Have written!😀

Interestingly though Frances, my OH was deleting WhatsApp and texts with someone who worked for us, and when I QR coded to my iPad so could see the messages as they came in and out, it was all just codswallop gossip , nothing he couldn’t have left there. He said he was just embarrassed at how much she did it and didn’t have the balls to say ‘give it a rest’ so guys clearly do delete in some cases stuff that is perfectly innocent!!

I don’t want to split, he is trying but not enough, I want more counselling but he feels it’s expensive and not helping because I haven’t moved on yet

The more you post about your husband the more obvious it is that life really is all about him. Please read and reread what he's said about you not having moved on yet. The expense of it is just a smokescreen. I think the reality is that your husband knows he's about to be found out very soon for being the man he is and its not in his best interests to go to counselling. But, by stopping going to counselling he's also depriving you of counselling and that is probably another factor in his decision - he doesn't want counselling working for you because it going to upset his apple cart too much. You'll grow with counselling and he wont be able to deal with the new you because he needs the old you he can handle.

Previously I mentioned men who are more than your common garden gnome kind of cheat, the one's there's much more to than meets the eye. They'll have picked themselves a partner they could control and very often it all comes tumbling down for them when their partner has an 'emotional intelligence' growth spurt and starts to look at things differently. Its never in the mans best interests for that to happen. You need to just let him get on with not going whilst continuing to go alone. Don't let him thwart you. In fact I'd say its never good for couples counselling to be the only counselling going on.

And can I just say to all of you please don't get hung up on naming and shaming the other woman because the reality is we're not really living in times where it matters. Yes it matters to people who've been stung by people without a moral to their name but in the bigger picture it doesn't really matter to society and the majority of people who are the OW would just shrug it off.

I agree Fionne, in the case of my husbands EA, even though I found out 11 years after the event, I really really wanted to send her a FB message (and she is on my friends) saying what the f hell did she think she was doing age 21 by over texting a married guy all the time and letting him get an obsession and that it had totally peed on my marriage, but common sense told me it wasn't going to actually change the situation as it was long past and she was now married with a baby, and whilst I am angry at her, I was angrier with my husband. He realises now how much anguish it caused me and I do know that upsets him too, even though the subject is avoided at all costs. In my case I do think it was a total one off kind of thing , but it's amazing how much devastation a period of total twattiness can cause .

His total twattiness involved my best friend - she does share 50% of the blame. I’ve lost my best friend, or the idea of her anyway because she never really was a friend if she could do what they did.

Screaming I’m not saying she doesn’t deserve her share of the blame. I’m saying that society doesn’t really give much of a damn about adultery anymore and being named in divorce isn’t what it was like years ago. It’s just a formality. As sad as that is.

I doubt people would bother much that they’ve been named in a divorce.

Yetmirecrap, I think I confused two issues by not making it clear I was talking about naming people in a divorce.

But going back to what you’ve said. I’ve never approached the women my husband was leading a triple life with. I have however at times wanted to kill them. And him. But I knew that I had to be above them so I just always kept on reminding myself of these two sayings

Never wrestle with a pig because you’ll both get dirty and the pig will enjoy it.

And

Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.