Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Word with friends- apparently the messages delete when the game ends. I had no idea and no worries over it. He told me they used it to communicate and they were still playing when I found out. Google it apparently it’s widely known to be used by cheating bastards

Sorry Francis that was blunt of me. But that’s what they used. I was so gobsmacked they were still playing. Apparently it was because they stopped for ages and then started again because they knew that they would never go there again- how nice for them to have that clarity

*Word with friends- apparently the messages delete when the game ends.

You have to delete the messages. It doesn't happen automatically when the game ends.

I asked him why he originally told me he wasn’t dog walking he denies saying it I don’t even think he realises when he’s lying anymore lol

Its called Gaslighting Alfie. He's Gaslighting you amongst a whole host of other things.

Oh and he knows when he's lying and he continues to do it because you let him away with it. And emptying your purse over someones head and throwing a duvet at them doest count in the real world as dealing with something. Its a dramatic smokescreen of gesture aimed at making you think you did something about his antics and best left in an episode of Eastenders.

I don’t think he is intelligent enough to do gaslighting. I just think we are at a stalemate he doesn’t think he has behaved inappropriately I do I have a go at him when he’s been in contact with her so he lies about it which obviously for me makes matters worse when I find out which then makes them closer discussing what a mental bitch I am. It’s a vicious circle which I why I think enough is enough it’s causing to many problems they need to block each other but as he claims it’s all innocent he won’t be told who he can and can’t be friends with

I don’t think he is intelligent enough to do gaslighting

You're minimising again. Just as you do every time you put your LOL at the end of a post. But even so, a person doesn't have to be intelligent to gaslight. They just have to be a bastard.

Ive suggested the Freedom Programme to you previously and Im going to suggest it again because there's something not right about your way of thinking and I wonder what has gone on in your life, maybe even as a child, that would contribute to you being the woman you are. You've absolutely no self respect - we saw that when you let those two men back into your life via the phone as some kind of warped sense of tit for tat. But it was also a really childish thing to do and the same kind of daftness as someone having an affair because their partner did. You let yourself down when you need to be putting yourself 'up there'.

This is never going to sort itself out because neither of you are mature enough to sort it out, but more than that Alfie, look at what this situation is making of you. You even say they'll be saying you're a mental bitch ( a horrible phrase by the way) so why give them reasons to say it?

You're needing your husband to validate your worth by choosing you over this woman, you're doing the 'choose me dance'. But what you really need to be doing is realising you've set your standard very low and you need to be finding ways to validate yourself.

I’m having a major wobble today. For the past two weeks things have been ok and even felt quite normal but then in the past couple of days, my h has already starting to push the boundaries on some of the things we agreed needed to change if we are to move forward.

If he’s already trying to manipulate me less than 3 months in, what hope is there that he is going to change in the long term? If he’s not willing to change then I might as well kiss our marriage goodbye as it is his selfishness and putting himself all the time first that led to the affair in the first place. If he carries on with the same mindset I’m convinced he will do it again next time he’s going through a stressful period of his life.

I’m just feeling really pissed off that he’s done this to me. I have very little family support and was so happy to have a family of my own and someone I thought I could rely on, and he’s gone and trampled all over that. What kind of man can do something like this when they have two under 5s at home and not think of the consequences? It makes me sick.

Sparkle, sometimes there’s no answer as to why a person can do what they did. It is what it is and you don’t actually have to have a reason for it because very often a reason is just an excuse made by them, or for them. It’s perfectly ok to not comprehend why it was done.

Are you right to be hearing alarm bells re him pushing back on some of the changes you’ve asked for? Yes, you are, and I think you should listen to yourself. You seem to have it well sussed out.

I’m sorry times are so hard for you.

Thanks Fionne. It feels like it is me making a huge effort but surely it should be him? And if he’s already back-tracking it makes me feel that all his promises are just empty words. If he doesn’t want to change then he won’t and we’ll be back to square one. To be honest, him not making an effort and not sticking to his promises is a deal-breaker. I just need to decide how long to give him I guess.

I think that if I never mentioned the affair again, he wouldn’t either and things would slide back to how they were. We were going through a rough patch when he had the affair and there was resentment on both sides so there’s no point going back to that. Another affair would probably be inevitable. Sigh.

Oh sparkle how pants. Have you talked about this with him? Does he realisehe’s Slippping backwards? 3 months isn’t long and maybe you need to do a bit of manipulation yourself. Tell him straight he’s screwing up and give him an ultimatum.
It hasn’t happened to me yet but I feel like I’m constantly waiting for my h to slip back, it must be one of the consequences. He knows I feel like it’s all just a matter of time and that must be hard to deal with too. Will it be a self fulfilling prophecy? I hope not but it seems, on my down days, and the evidence on this site alone, that it will be. Chin up Sparkle whatever happens you will be okay and you will get through it.

Fionne maybe I am immature i don’t know but since moving in with dh at 19 and then having dc I have arranged childcare managed all the finances due to his shifts and basically been the adult of the household
The blokes I mentioned are couple friends we go out for meals dh works with them only on one occasion have they been inappropriate which I was up front about I know and get on with their wives but I blocked them out of respect for dh
This whole situation is driving me crazy I do have self respect but both dh and v have confirmed nothing is going on but I can’t get passed his lies

Hey guys it hard isn't it trying to be the adult?,having to make the right decisions for the good of the family,to be the one who puts your children first.The one who puts on a brave face most of the time, when really your dying inside I was just getting ready for bed, tidying the cushions on the sofa, I looked over a picture of my children on the side table and broke down, How could he f*ck her in there with all the photo's of our children????? how could they do it????????. I am trying to move on and put it out of my mind, but I hate my home now..... I hate what he did in it. I don't know how to move on from that, I'm hoping counseling will help, I am still waiting for the appointment, as there is a five week wait. At the moment the only way I can cope with it is to go out the house as much as possible. But instead of looking forward to getting home, I know have this sick feeling in my stomach at the thought of walking through the door.

Has anyone else's husband done this???? or it mine just the lowest of the low????? who has zero respect for his home, the place where is children are and sleep??And for me??????????????????

Fionne maybe I am immature i don’t know but since moving in with dh at 19 and then having dc I have arranged childcare managed all the finances due to his shifts and basically been the adult of the household

Alfie, I should have made it clearer I meant emotionally immature.

The blokes I mentioned are couple friends we go out for meals dh works with them only on one occasion have they been inappropriate

Two men felt confident enough independently of each other to disrespect you. They also disrespected their wives. They had no fear of doing so because somewhere along the line they'd learned that doing that to you would be ok. They also felt it was ok to do it to their wives. I suspect you mix in a culture of 'lads being lads' which really is just another way of saying low life horrible men who have no respect for the women in their lives and women in general.

which I was up front

Two men sent you pictures and you think it was good you were 'up front about it'. Its not the sort of thing people have to be 'up front' about. Why do you think it was?

I know and get on with their wives

Again, these men just sound like a bunch of horrors and I suspect you and the other women have more in common than meets the eye.

but I blocked them out of respect for dh

No - you block people like that out of respect for yourself.

This whole situation is driving me crazy I do have self respect but both dh and v have confirmed nothing is going on but I can’t get passed his lies

You know this is never going to get sorted, you know its just another part of who your husband is, and your life with him. You know there will always be 'something' with him just like there has been since you were 19 and you've had to keep the show on the road. The shift work is just a smoke screen. It was always going to be you doing all you did. I suspect you're well and truly fed up but are determined to keep on hanging in there rather than accept it and admit to yourself its all over.

And you dont have to get past his lies, in fact I'd go as far as to say the fact you can't get past them is your inner self telling you - fuck this for a game of soldiers, Ive had enough. But again, you can't or wont see it.

What your husband and V have said - For a whole host of reasons It doesn't matter what they say. You shouldn't even be talking to her. You shouldn't be in the position. But that aside the point is that no matter what they say you're not going to hear it because again - your inner self is telling you exactly what you think and feel about 'all' of it. You just need to be brave enough to hear it. And yes, I know its hard. And scary. Just bloody awful.

Self Respect? We can think we have self respect but not realise until further down the line that the self respect we thought we had in a pretty dire situation was no self respect at all in real terms.

Please do the freedom programme and go for counselling. Do it for you. Not for anyone or anything else.

Broken, I would go as far as to say that a man who does something like that isn't your common garden gnome type of cheater. I would say there is something going on with him that can never be sorted because its part of who he is. I think if you did some reading you'd pretty quickly get an idea of what it is you could be dealing with.

Men who need the extra excitement of doing something like that, and who are completely void of understanding that even in the world of cheating there are boundaries, are a whole different kettle of fish all together.

After kind of joining up some dots and doing some reading I went to my 3 rd counsellor in a few years and said 'I think Ive been married to someone with a personality disorder and its why Im still stuck in emotional turmoil'. Can you listen to me for a few weeks and let me know if Im on the right track? And if I am can you then help me as someone who's been married to someone with a personality disorder? She agreed and 3 sessions in she said to me - I think we can say that your suspicions are more than likely correct.

Maybe its something for people to think about because the reality is that if a husband is more than a common garden gnome type of cheat there's never going to be any moving on from whats happened. But also to add the cheating and the added excitement these people need is always part of the bigger picture thats them and their needs.

Screaming we had a chat about it and he didn’t think the examples I gave were evidence that he was slipping. He re-iterated how dedicated he is and that he does want to change. Maybe I am being hyper-sensitive, I don’t know. I think I’ll just have to monitor closely and pull him up if he slips again but I don’t want to do it too much. HE needs to be the one recognising if he’s slipping back to old ways. It can’t be me doing all the work.

Broken obviously none of our husbands are Prince Charming here, but fucking another woman in your marital home does seem like another level altogether. To bring another woman to your home where your wife and children live is unbelievably disrespectful. Personally I would really struggle to forgive that and it’s no wonder you are finding it so hard. I’m glad you have some counselling arranged as I’ve found it really useful to have someone to let off steam to. In the longer term. if you stay together, would moving be a possibility?

Alfie even if there is nothing ‘going on’ with this woman your husband is still in the wrong. Their friendship is obviously distressing to you and you are his wife so if he loves you he should knock it on the head. Who would want to risk their marriage over a meaningless friendship?

I’m good friends with one of my exes who I was with for a long time but when I started seeing H he was uncomfortable with the friendship and I could understand why. So I do still see my ex but in group situations where my husband would often be there too and we no longer go for dinner and drinks just the 2 of us. I valued my friendship with my ex as we’ve known each other 20+ years but put my husband’s feelings first because that’s what you do if you love someone.

Everyone has limits Broken - i’m So impressed you are even trying to live in that house. Have you tried telephone counselling? I have it through work and it can help in the interim.
My husband knows I am having a really hard time with the knowledge of the first contact being while I was in the room and the fact he brought her a vibrator. These are my mental sticking points and only I can decide whether I can get past that knowledge.
I guess it all comes down to how they are behaving now, are they doing the right things and giving us what we need freely and because they genuinely want to make things right?
Would re decorating help Broken? Or are you going to have to move(which is very stressful in an already stressful situation)?
God they are all Bastards!

Ps I think I might want to burn the house down in your situation- you are a strong woman. He has done this to you and he needs to help you though. I call mine when I cry so he can talk me down and also know that i’m Not okay with what he did.

@Fionne

After kind of joining up some dots and doing some reading I went to my 3 rd counsellor in a few years and said 'I think Ive been married to someone with a personality disorder and its why Im still stuck in emotional turmoil'.

Bang on!!

These partners who suddenly end relationships.... This was my sticking point but was also a BIG clue. When I clicked and read around personality disorders it was a massive lightbulb moment for me but then I had to turn the spotlight on me. Why didn't I notice? Am I a codependent? So many questions!

fionne just to let you know: your posts are a delight to read...you are so wise. Your children are blessed to have you as a mum. May your son who needs you most be blessed and feel protected in this cruel world forever...
To all of you who joined our club of people who fight to keep the family together, their head and feelings under control despite the Tsunami brought in our life, not by random forces, but by the one we chose and trusted most (our cheating partner): may you find some peace of mind, and serenity in your heart. It is tough at the start; it gets easier; you never forget: what happens is that the frequency of the hurting memories diminish and so does their duration...I wish I can use these memories to be a better me. fionne seems to have succeded. I have not.
"Things" happened when i was far away. They are alive in my memory. It is hard. I even gavevawsy the beautiful Italian bedroom we had. I have a much basic bedroom to help keep at bay memories. I can imagine how much harder and more painful these memories are for you who must continue to live in the house where things happened....Maybe redecorating (a different color/furniture arrangements/frames for pictures/throws etc ) can help chasing the demons of painful memories...

I cant afford to move, The bedroom has been decorated and a new bed, it did help a little i suppose, But my living room is still the same, only the rug they did it on has gone........I hate sitting in there, I hate that she came in my home, I hate that they thought it was ok, I hate feeling this way, I hate them both for doing this, He has laid most of the blame at her door, but this one is all him, he invited her around, he could not control himself, not once but twice,Maybe I could understand once???who knows, but how do you do it twice??? she was in my house in November. I can feel her here, like a nasty smell that wont go away. Where can I go to find peace if I don't have it in my own home???

Broken I wish I had the answers x x

Me to, my counseling starts next week , if I haven't had some kind of breakdown by then, I just don't know what to do to stop the pain and crying, All that keeps swirling in my head is for 14 months, he f*cked her, In my bed and in my home..........I know deep down I will never be able to forget this.

Is he trying to help you? Can you move?