Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Thanks that really helps we had an awful row last night I am so ashamed of myself again I really want to get past this as usual we had a few good days then bam I start it up again

I started writing a timeline of the affair today. It was a long time ago and I just need to understand, they both have me a fairly frank rundown of events but I guess it still isn’t enough. The emotional side is really bugging me today and i’m Hoping the timeline will help us both look objectively at the fall out since. I guess i’m still looking for the why. H still trying very hard but minimising during discussions and unwilling/unable to look at the causes, his emotions during and after.

So my melt down last night. About 4 days ago his phone was flashing a white light stopping me from sleeping I don’t mess with his phone but mentioned could he turn it off he said it was a fb notication his phone doesn’t flash white. Convinced I wasn’t colour blind I googled it white is for email text or WhatsApp told him this
4 days later after we have been getting on he is waving his phone at me with a fb notification saying he can’t believe I googled his phone why don’t I trust etc
Erm that would be because for the last 2 years he has been messaging calling and texting a hooker behind my back and every time I have questioned it he has lied to my face
Here’s the bit iam not proud off I ended up emptying my purse over him telling him that should be enough to cover her fees and to go fuck her so we can be done gutted as my 2 pandora rings were in there and now can only find one
He ended up screaming at me that I am mentally ill and everyone knows it
One of us is mental I am not convinced it’s me though lol

Alfie someone posted this and I think it may help you www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3175615-Is-this-what-the-aftermath-is-like

So, new to the thread - And to the world of post affair marriage. At least that's one thing crossed off my list = feeling so alone with all this.

And now I just feel rotten. I have spent the whole feeling sad and confused and trying to figure out what to do with my self, and (after comments from here as well) got my self all geared up for a proper sit down tonight after DS tucked in, and talk things through with DH, tell him how it's all affecting me, that he needs to find a way to cut contact with her and so on. And then, as if he already knew, he came home with flowers, g&t, a genuine smile and kiss, and asked if I was doing better today (yeah, I was upset all day yesterday too, I just didn't tell him). And now I feel awful for having doubting him for being a little late home from work, and part of me wants to forget about that conversation for today, and just roll with it, pretend everything's perfect for the evening, instead sitting in tears telling him how much it all hurts. What kind of a person feels bad when someone does something nice 😕

A person that knows that flowers don't make an affair all right.

You can’t put talking off forever or nothing will get resolved.

Of course it doesn't make it all right. But he is trying. I just get so tied up in my own thoughts (home alone all day when DH is at work and DS in kindergarten), that I start questioning everything, and I hate it ..

But is it so wrong to wish you could forget, just for the night, screaminginsideme? I know I need to talk, but it was a lot easier when I was a little annoyed with him already ..

I don't even know how or where to start ..

Your list?

The list, the talk, everything.

I kind of know what my list is, but I want to do it with him (he does his, I do mine, but at the same time, so I am not ambushing him with 15 pages of junk).

But whenever I try to find a way to start the conversation, it seems like I am ambushing him. That I am saying that nothing he has done so far is good enough, and I know he responds badly to that. And I know that I end up in tears, and nothing I want to say gets said

I think probably part of it is that I have always been able to talk with him about everything. And I have always started the conversations. So now that I suddenly don't know what to say - I am lost ..

That’s where counselling has helped my marriage. she helps to reframe our questions and comments so they aren’t accusitory, it does feel like we go around in circles but it’s only been 5 weeks since I found out. My h affair was 8 years ago and long over but involved my best friend. The thought and images my mind brings up are a killer- I posted a thing earlier in the thread about coping with obsessive thoughts. All this recovery talk is fine but your DP still needs to agree to go non contact-

I am working on the no contact issue, but he doesn't move office til beginning of next month and they work together. Therefore my hope was that our conversation today came to the conclusion that she at least was removed from facebook and iMessage, so there is no outside of work contact until he moves where all contact will stop. I was hoping to just wait out the time until he moved, but I am going crazy when his phone rings all the time (and she uses every opportunity to tell him how horrible I am).

I am so sorry to hear about yours, and your friend 😕 and can't imagine how it must feel to not have known all this time. But I am glad that counseling is helping! I was hoping to bring up counseling this evening as well, also since I am having such a hard time figuring out how I feel, let alone how to tell him.

Why does she need need to be in contact for work? I think he should talk to someone senior and explain the situation. If he is serious about making things work he should have blocked her on all social media, you should block her number and he shoukdn’t Have any out of working hours contact. In work it should be bare minimum required.

anon, why is he taking her calls never mind listening to her slagging you off?!

www.facebook.com/CouplesAcademy/videos/1216771541790671/

This is brilliant i’m Going to make H watch this

Because they have to talk at work and "wasn't worth taking up with the boss when he was moving anyway".

Why he answers the calls? Because he is a bit thick apparently. She will call because "something came up at work" "it's really important" - One time she called, and when he didn't pick up she said it was important he picked up because she was pregnant. Which she, of course, was not .. and once he picks up, she'll start the whole "it's the wife isn't it, she controlling you, not letting you talk, the fat whale is manipulating you" and so on.

He's getting better at not picking up the phone, but it doesn't stop her calling, and she will constantly find reasons at work ..

Block her number in the home phone and all the mobiles. Make a record of every call she makes - it’s harassment and if work found out she’d be in trouble.

Why do we obsess over what they did and how they did it and where they did it??? It is like some kind of mental torture..... Are those bitches sitting there thinking about what they have done to us or our family's???

Everyday I have movies running through my brain....I know living in a trigger is messing me up big time........ has anyone got any ideas how to stop these???? I really need to stop, its turning me into a crazy person, who is going to end up doing something I regret.

These

Thanks for the link screaming just watched it. Very useful. Dh does think he hasn’t crossed any boundaries and is also the type of person who never aplogies or admits they are wrong. He just thinks he can brush stuff under the carpet and it will all go away

How do u stop doubting them reading probably to much into stuff? I could be being paranoid here. I usually work a Saturday and so did dd. Dh usually dog walks which is when he used to accidentally bump into ow completely innocently of course lol then pick dd up at 2 to do the horse
I am off today dh said he wasn’t dog walking he knew I would probably want to go with him he was just going to the yard
Dd has left that job so I suddenly thought why is he going now when he has to go back later. Text him he gave an ok response but said his is now dog walking to which I sarcastically replied convenient lol. He said he had just seen the owner all fine checked his text he had replied to her before leaving so I asked what had made her change her mind she does do this and usually comments that her son has a hangover or changed his plans but dh got defensive saying he was walking on his own
He’s had no contact with ow by WhatsApp but there meeting could be a regular thing am I bat shit crazy thinking he’s lying

You don’t- they have to earn back your trust. This is why I’m willing to try with my H - he has admitted everything(all be it after i’d Found out), he has cut all contact and deleted any game apps with messaging(they would use one to communicate), he has gone through all his contacts on all social media and his phone with me, and deleted and blocked anyone i’ve Asked him to, he tells me where he is going, if he see her in the car etc, our dc’s are part of the same club so he goes a bit later to pick them up so avoiding OW. He has cancelled a work trip and has offered to cancel other trips. He is giving me the attention I need. He booked counselling the day after I found out. He is apologetic and desperate to keep us together. I have told him I would try but not made any promises.
From you posts Alfie your husband doesn’t accept he has had an affair so doesn’t see any need to earn your trust back. He see you as paranoid and nagging. Am I right?

I have no idea where you go from here. You are at stale mate. Either you kick him out or you get counselling to help you live with his behaviour. It’s rubbish but you can’t sit on the fence forever.

@screaminginsideme could you tell me which gaming app he used? My H plays Words with Friends