Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

That’s a horrendous level of deceit Screaming and it says way more about the bit part players in it than it does about you.

Can you actually believe it all happened or are you still trying to believe it? I ask because I recall saying to someone how can I come to terms with it if I still can’t believe what’s gone on.

I hope your wee one is ok.

Hi you amazing strong beautiful souls, How are you all, I am home, Its hard as I still see them in my house :(. We are going to try and give it a go, I know its not going to be easy because tbh, Its all I think about, sometimes I feel sick, sad, inconsolable and angry all in the same day, He is trying. I went to see a medium.........BIG MISTAKE......... She told me she could see my son or partner leaving me in the next few months, I was so upset as I was feeling positive when I went in. I found out though that the girl I booked it with was her daughter, and I had told her bits about what was going on before I meet with her, So I do wonder if there it was all crap.........who knows?? Did anyone else feel the need to do this?????? I have been reading the posts about the feeling of Injustice, I feel this daily, Revenge on her??? I dream of this also......F**king her life up like she has mine, Letting everyone know she is a lying cheating whore homewrecker.......... I to cast some very nasty curses on her...... I hear she has lost her Job, :) She only took the job to be able to support herself in her new life with my h. I want to tell her husband that and lots more, but I don't feel the poor man deserves it. I don't know what is going to happen or if I will ever "get over it" but I am going to damn well try, I will do whatever it takes to make myself and children Happy that's what matters now.

Fionne- their first physical contact was while I was asleep in the same room. I think I was unconsciously aware that something had happened then and remember accusing him of sleeping with her later after he told me he’d dropped her home from work one night and I just couldn’t se why he would have done that. I don’t think I can believe they did that, it’s all too much and because it was so long ago there is no actual proof to make me believe- just what they have both admitted too. My dc is going to have a biopsy and hopefully surgery in the next few months that should make things easier for her. My alopicia is back from all the stress.

Broken- I can’t imagine having to live in a house where something happened, we moved 5 years ago so it’s not got any association for me. I don’t feel the hate for either of them just sad that they were so selfish and unconcerned about the consequences of their actions.

I don’t want to celebrate our anniversary in April it just feels false to me - we haven’t had 14 years of marriage we had 5 and a bit before he shit all over it. Someone at the beginning of this thread was saying they talked every night with their h about the affair and other things. We try to talk but he just says it was so long ago and I can’t remember. It’s so frustrating- i’ve Said so many times I wish i’d Known closer to the event.

There is no way my H even wants to bring the subject up, in his eyes it’s just a crush that he went too far on, in my eyes it was an emotional affair that he didn’t cut totally dead , although the heavier part of it was for a year or so , I can se his impatience if it’s ever mentioned simply because like in your case it was a long time ago, there was I feel also a ‘presumption’ that it wouldn’t split us

Anyone else find yourself just sitting there and it just hits boom, that churning in your stomach, the sick feeling, and everything just comes rushing back in full techncolour detail :( , I hope this gets better........

H just casually told me that there will be a works trip and I found my heart started pounding and I felt really panicked. I don’t know why he never spent the night with her - why is that a trigger! That bad blood song is a trigger now as it could have been written by me for her! I spend hours having imaginary conversations with him about how I feel and think that’s a good point I should say that and then forget the whole thing and freeze up when he’s home

I am past caring to be honest he’s told one to many lie and gone to such lengths to hide it. Don’t feel angry or sad anymore like him I have also changed my phone passcode stopped my messages coming through to my home screen and removed the WhatsApp last time viewed thing. I have unblocked 2 of his work mates that I got on with but was open about and shared jokes with dh. I blocked them as when they were pissed one sent a dick pic and the other tried to sext me of which I handled appropriately ie laughed it off and informed dh but blocked them out of respect for dh

Alfie, please read that post back and try to see that you're now letting two men who treated you with contempt back into your life via the phone in order to get back at your husband. The husband you're never going to get the life you want with, the husband who'll be cock a hoop that you've done this. You really do need to be keeping yourself 'up there' above the bloody lot of them. Not setting yourself up for a life on the same level as them.

There is absolutely no way this is the right thing to be doing and its a pretty good indication of how off kilter this whole thing has got you thinking. Please please see what is happening to you. Please go for counselling, alone, perhaps even do the Freedom Programme. Just please go and do something that will help you find your self respect once more.

And please see that these TWO guys felt able to send you an inappropriate picture and text because they knew, and still know, you're husband doesn't respect you either!

I hope this gets better........

Its horrible. I know. But please dont waste too much of your life hoping for it to get better if its clearly not going to. Give yourself a time line and if you're not in a good place by then, find a way of giving yourself a different life and nicer thoughts.

Screaming, I know what its like to have a child with disabilities. Please don't think that keeping your marriage together is in her best interests if you're unhappy. Please don't use her as an excuse to not end your marriage and make a better life for yourself. All children need a happy mum, a mentally and emotionally well mum. You'd find being a mum to a disabled child comes much easier, even on your own, when you're in a good place yourself.

Its 8 years since you husband had the affair, 8 years that you've said haven't been that great. It doesn't look like your husband had the affair and then decided to himself - Im going to work on things with Screaming so we have a good life together.

Fionne- the issue of him not trying was because he didn’t want me to be suspicious apparently. It’s one of the issues we are working on in counselling- I need him to genuinely see that the affair changed our marriage for the worse, that me not finding out then has done more damage than if I had. He knows i’m Trying doessn’t mean that I won’t say that’s it if I feel that’s what I need. I guess i’m Being objective about would life be greener on the other side. He is trying so hard to make things better

- the issue of him not trying was because he didn’t want me to be suspicious apparently

Sorry Screaming, First things first. I wasn’t suggesting up thread that you end your marriage and that’s what it looked like when I read back just now. I was suggesting it would be ok if that’s what you eventually decided to do.

And I understand what you’re saying - your husband didn’t try over the last 8 years to to improve on your marriage during times that weren’t that great in case it made you suspicious. He was happy for the situation to not be great in case you found out about the affair.

He was in effect deciding you were going to live in a not great marriage because it suited him.

I Wish you nothing but the best for the future. 💐

Thanks Fionne I’m married to a selfish arse but everyone who’s been cheated on is too. I just hope that we can move past this and he can get to a place where he can see what I see and really make things better from now on

How is everyone today? Lots of triggers for me today - I think it was our counselling session last night. I feel stressed and panicked tonight as he’s working nights. I told him how his work trip made me feel and he has promised to just do the nights they are working and come home rather than stay for the drinks they normally have on the last night. I’ve spoken to him twice already and he only left about 2hrs ago. It’s the knowledge that they’d call each other while he was at work that’s bothering me now. I feel like my recovery has taken a step backwards

Also the realisation that I can’t call my best friend to talk me through this because she’s the cause of this pain

Everyone is coping so well. Does anyone else find it exhausting that one goes through so many emotions in a short space of time?

Before his affair I always had trouble being happy and just enjoying the moment but now, I'm worried he'll think it was fine what he did, I'm over it and he can do it again. As a kid I was never asked how I was really so I learnt as an adult if someone asked how I was, I told them! I do find it hard when dh rings and asks how's 8 am I feel I only have one chance to say.

Not sure any of that makes sense.

It’s exhausting trying not to be sad all the time- to carry on for everyone around you.

I think I must be extreme bi polar or something yesterday I was all fuck it he’s a sad pathetic knob who can’t even get his leg over with a hooker he’s treating me ok and paying our mortgage we have a nice life he’s not been in contact with her he’s been leaving his phone lying around etc not looked at his phone in months but had a quick peek and all what deleted doesn’t even show who he was last in contact with but he has been phoning her via WhatsApp ok it was in January but why?? Have thrown the spare duvet at him so he knows he’s on the sofa tonight

Not mocking bipolar just my moods go from being loved up to meh I can handle this to flaming raging on a daily basis

She’s obviously a crap hooker as well as the poor cow has had to put her beloved horse up for full loan as she can’t afford the stable fees she’s reliant on her weed smoking boyfriend to take her to see her horse as she’s lost her license to drink driving. Class lol

I've looked and looked again at "her ". She's nothing compared to me (I know, don t compare yourself to the OW). But she's not as tall, slim, beautiful, educated, outgoing as I am.
Alfiemoon she won't just be a crap hooker, she'll be a crap everything; that's why she behaves the way she does.
You wouldn't do that, because you're better than that.
She really is from the gutter and she behaves as she is.
My H has stooped to her level. Of course he couldn't meet me there, because I'm better than that; and so are you x

Hi everyone, Two weeks today I moved back into my/that house that he brought her into and f**ked her in, I though I was doing ok, then today full on melt down, I had a dream last night that she walked through the front door, now its all I can think about, him and her in this house, I feel like she has infected every part of it, like a disease. He said try to imagine she was never here!! How,?? how can you stop your brain........ I don't wont to think about it, it makes me sick and the shaking starts again. How do you live in a trigger?????? Half of me wants to smash the place to pieces, half walks to walk out the door and never come back. If it wasn't for me kids I would. But I have to keep it together for them, put on a brave face, fake the smile and pray this hurt, pain and anger does not damage me forever.

I had a total melt down last night and am dreading facing him today to my knowledge he hasn’t been in contact with her for weeks He’s back to leaving his phone lying around I need to get a grip and stop reacting to triggers

I wish he would understand the hurt he’s caused me I wish he would help me when I am having a meltdown he just gets angry and says stuff that makes me worse

This helps me with my triggers