Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Francis, it doesn’t matter that he’s camping with an old friend and excusing his week away by saying he’s going camping with a friend is minimising. The point is that despite everything else you’re still not his priority.

Francis, I think a simpler way to put it would be to say ‘it takes two hands to clap’

My h has lots of weekends away booked for this year all are sport related with his mates. He has offered not to go on them and I still might take him up on that offer. He knows that if he leaves me alone my mind spins and I get upset. I keep thinking of all the things I want to rant at him about but without the counsellor to help it becomes too much. I know how it feels to fixate on what they did for the ow that they never did for you. He held her hand while they went for lunch and made a special trip to buy her a vibrator! The counsellor asked why he got her one and his response was because she asked for one. She asked if I had asked him for the things I wanted/needed from him and I stopped doing that a long time ago. We were shopping with the kids when I said I needed new underwear and he should get me some- he went out the next day and spent a lot of money in Victoria secrets. He also said he knew that if he tried to take my hand while we were out now it would upset me, which is right, so he now offers me his arm instead and makes a point of slowing down and walking with me where he used to just stroll ahead. Frances did you ever ask him to write a song about you/ for you? I’m more confident in asking for what I want/ need now.

I've asked him MANY times screaminginsideme but he says it's ridiculous.
I think, like Fionne said, he feels a bit embarrassed. He said, "she understands about music." I did A level and part of my degree in music FFS! It's the fact that he did all this special stuff for her willingly whereas he doesn't need to try for me, I'm a chore. He often says, "it's not about you. " I feel taken for granted .

I think, like Fionne said, he feels a bit embarrassed. He said, "she understands about music."

In an attempt to bring a bit of humour into a thread that's really distressing to read Im of the opinion it was either a rubbish song and she only understood rubbish songs, or he's a one hit wonder and his next starring role will be opening the new local launderette.

Yeah they take us for granted . The OW kind of allows them to have a break from their deep commitments to us in time of stress. They might do stuff with them that they would not do for us just because they deeply believe that it is a one off and it is a fair way to return to the OW the favor of giving him a lot-without any commitment for the future in return. I have noticed that quite often the OW is not the type of women they would have gone out with-had they not have the security of their marriage and their "guaranteed" dear solid spouse behind them...sometimes I got the feeling that the one-time cheater is a bit immature and he is not always up to Western Judeo-Christian constraints of the marriage -especially in time of sickness or high stress...hande might do all he has to do but he might feel the need of escapism... the desperate OW are on the look out for them at times of stress...and the young vulnerable girls , especially the ones who have some problems, are willing to stroke their ego for just little non-committal acts like a song...So France as it has already been said by you and other posters, for you a song is important and for him it might be just a silly thing compared to their full commitment to be with you for ever... I think someone already suggest that you have a song written for you- by your friends or maybe by yourself with tyourhe help of your kids and ask him to have a look at it/improve it/extend it...make it a family enterprise. .that is something the OW can't get...

kidsneedfathers I really like that idea with the song. My DS is also a talented musician, (Mummy pride I know), but I think that we could write something about us, that's a really lovely idea.

I'm tempted to write my own too !!

Poetry and songs help me a lot. I am more into sciences though. I kind of envy you all who have artistic skills. So go for it Frances and Yetmore "everything that kill us make us feel alive" ..

Revenge isn’t good for the soul. It very rarely if ever brings peace. But if it’s revenge that a person wants the best revenge is a life well lived.

It is not a revenge if they write a song and by writing it they claim back some exclusivity within their relationship. It is just rebalancing the scales. It is also a way to live well your life : they want this song they are going to get it in the best way possible -with only positive effects on all involved and (UNLIKE revenge) with no negative effect on anyone -surely not on the OW...So go for it frances and yetmore. It is good for you and your relationship.

It is not a revenge if they write a song and by writing it they claim back some exclusivity within their relationship

I think posting after the mention of the songs has meant you’ve wrongly assumed I was referring to them. I wasn’t.

I was referring to the general theme of revenge that has been posted about quite a few times now.

Fionne I am so sorry. Indeed I wrongly thought that the poster linked writing a song with a kind of revenge. Had I taken time to identify you as the poster I would have not done this mistake. I 100% agree with you: revenge is plain wrong , is the triumph of evil and destroys the one that nurtures it...have a nice week end Fionne and I hope you accept my apologies (well I know you do because you are kind...

Kids, thank you for that. I appreciate your very graceful apology even though there was no need for it. My only concern was that others may also think I was referring to the song and somehow perhaps mocking the idea of it.

I do think that it is possible to celebrate all you have done/achieved in a marriage, especially a long one, even if it goes wrong at some point. Just because some behaviour has changed how you feel it does not mean that you cannot still care for that person or that the marriage was all crap, clearly this depends on what was ‘going on’ at the point it went wrong though and the personalities of those involved

Evening all. We’ve just got back from a lovely family weekend with my sister but the drive back was long and my brain started ticking. H is trying very hard, giving me what I need to feel that he loves me and wants us to work but it doesn’t change the fact that he betrayed me with my best friend and broke me. He could sense I was thinking and feeling sad again and now he’s very quiet and distant. We haven’t had counselling this week because of half term. I’m sad and I can’t help that- he did this to me and a few weeks of being lovely doesn’t change the past 8years of lies, deceit and poor treatment. I want us to be ok too but if we ignore everything g then the statistics are clear the chances are it will happen again.

When u have a lovely family day and finally get dc to bed or at least upstairs and it all comes back to u. U aren’t that perfect happy family dh has basically said a few days ago whether I divorce him or not he will still be friends and message her. I know nothing is going on but it’s the whole lying to my face hiding it over sharing and general shit storm he has created for the last 2 years on and off because of this friendship that to me means he needs to accept his bad behaviour and cut contact for us to move on

I do think it’s possible to celebrate all you have done/achieved in a marriage, especially a long one, even if it goes wrong at some point. Just because some behaviour has changed how you feel it does not mean that you cannot still care for that person or that the marriage was all crap, clearly this depends on what was ‘going on’ at the point it went wrong though and the personalities of those involved

This is how I feel about my very long marriage and I think there’s a post about it on this thread. Or perhaps it’s another one currently running.

People do find it very strange though and the consensus seems to be ‘after all he’s done how can you .......’

But the reality is that nothing will ever take away from what came before ‘it’.

Your right Fionne except for me I found out 8years after the fact and those 8 years were not great and the woman he chose to have the fling with was my best friend

I found out 11 years after , and also knew the person well

Now I know I can see how it changed our relationship, how his guilt made him behave indifferently to our marriage. She carried on being my Best friend using me to babysit, coming round for tea, talking on the phone about our husbands listening to my gripes, inviting us all for cosy family dinners and talking about going on holiday together all the while h, ow and her h all knew what had gone on. I don’t want to throw away my marriage but equally i’m Entitled to feel broken and that the 5yrs prior to that and the month of trying now don’t negate the fact or cruelty of the affair or the past 8years.

Screaming i think I lasted mentioned my story on one of these threads about 18 months ago and one of the reasons I’ve stopped is because it comes across as so far fetched that people probably thought I was a fantasist.

So suffice to say if involved someone leading a triple life in 3 countries like you read about in magazines and see in Films. Except in magazines and on screen it usually entails a double life. But no, that just wasn’t ever going to be enough for my husband. Oh and yes he still is my husband except for the fact we just don’t see each other at all. In fact none of us really see him and the last time my husband saw our disabled son was 2 years ago. I guess he can’t look back at what he did and it’s why he’s now a high functioning alcoholic.

Anyway when I say a triple life and all that entails I really do mean ALL it entails. And the fact remains that even where we live what he has done is shocking and quite unbelievable which is why if a Hollywood movie was made of the situation absolutely no one would believe it.

Oh and why am I not divorced? Well according to him that would be because I’ve not done anything wrong 🙄

And Why have I not divorced him? I don’t need a divorce. It’s as simple as that. I’ve not had to fight for anything so there’s no need to tie myself up in a court for the best part of my 60’s. Plus my son is enough for me to be thinking about. Oh and I’m not interested in another romance. I have loads of children and grandchildren to love and I’m happy with that.

Screaming- I would have struggled to get past the vibrator bit. You have done well to even try

Screaming- I would have struggled to get past the vibrator bit. You have done well to even try

Yes. Me too.

I din’t Know that i’m Past anything. I’m trying because he is, we have 2 children one of whom is still being diagnosed with a bone disease that will effect us all forever. I think that right now I feel like I need to try because he is but it still comes back to ‘but you did n’t for 8 years’ in my head and I just feel sad.