Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Our not out. Sorry, I've been auto-corrected again!

Frances, for myself I think it’s revenge really that you want. Especially on the OW. You really want them to suffer. Try curses, a little witchcraft!

I did that and I’m embarrassed to tell you because it sounds completely crazy. Temporary relief! I hunted down the phone number of other partner and told him about the affair. I knew as DH had told me, me that he had been violent to her in the past. Not very proud of that, it’s nasty isn’t it but this whole experience turned me into a mad woman for a while.
The other aspect which is more about the injustice is I’ll admit to feeling bloody annoyed that he had had all that heady feeling of a new partner, the excitement of it whilst I had been at home coping alone with 6 kids ( he worked away)
There is no quick cure for this but effort and time

No, I could have told her husband that whilst he was on his honeymoon with her she was sexting my husband and my husband was sexting her back. I didn't because it wouldn't achieve anything but pointless revenge.
Since the affair he's had a new motorbike and is going away with his bestie for a week on their bikes.
I was seen crying in work so had to tell my bosses what was wrong. His scrubber is a work colleague and they've managed to keep it hush hush.
It all seems so 1 sided.
How do you manage to rebuild your marriage with a sense of justice? I don't want hurtful revenge, but I don't feel that my current situation is fair in any way.
I feel that I need some sort of justice to carry on. It's not fair that he leads such a charmed life, with none of his actions affecting him in anything but a positive way.
How can I change my situation?

@FrancesDestroyed

How do we get justice for their behaviour and the suffering we endure? What have others found helps you?

For me whilst I've been hoping for my ex's relationship to go tits-up with the OW, I've been reading all about affairs. I've read that people who have affairs are less agreeable and less understanding? Looking back I see this in my ex and ignored the fact he wasn't a happy chappy. Always angry, glass half empty? I remember now the tension and me never wanting to leave the kids with him. Somehow I'd managed to gloss over this?

So although I'm so so sad about my marriage being terminated that afternoon, I'm not having to deal with him anymore and he will always have to deal with himself. Surely this is Karma yes?

I told his stepmom as soon as I found out, I also told just enough people to give him nowhere to hide, a work colleague and his best mate. I also made him tell my mum. I still want more people to know because why should I have to hide my hurt and pain while protecting his reputation!

I don't want revenge.
I suppose, with the logistics of teenage kids I'm trying to work out how maybe I could have a few days away at a Spa. He's going away for a week with a mate on his motorbike whilst I stay home and fulfil meals, washing and taxi service.
He gets to have an affair and then gets to do fun stuff just for him afterwards....which is fine, but in fairness, when do I get special times for me? My holidays are tied to school holidays, he can take time whenever he wants.
I don't know what justice or a fair outcome for the betrayed party looks like.
At the moment, it seems to look like pandering to his every whim; not even being upset or angry because he doesn't like it.
How did others feel that they'd got a fair outcome/justice? Or is keeping your man justice enough?

@FrancesDestroyed

So why can't he look after the teens while you go away in the school holidays?

Surely you’ve had the you don’t get to be stroppy about this discussion. I told my H that if he wants this to work it needs to be about my wants and needs for as long as I need that.

@FrancesDestroyed

You sound like you have little choice in what happens? Tbh I felt like this. What I've come to realise is that you do have a choice. Fight for what you want! Put yourself before him and the kids. You need you right now otherwise the ship will capsize!

Thanks Bibbidee I'd like some days away to myself, but then he had his affair when I went back to work full time after breast cancer.
It all seems to be on his terms at the moment. We went away for 1 night together and we both did a sports activity that I'd wanted to do, though he likes it too. This has now morphed into, "I came away with you and did that for you." He enjoyed it too; i had said I'd go alone and he didn't want me to.
I just wonder how others come out of this feeling that they've redressed the balance and got some fairness back.

Ithink you will probably never get fairness back if severe thoughtlessness is part of their personality, you either live with it, or they accept and admit they need to make radical changes and act on it or you get out

@FrancesDestroyed

You'll address the balance/unfairness if you start doing things for you! Move forward and try and stop thinking about him. Enough about him, spend no more energy on him and start spending it on you! Go and book time off for you at Easter. Go on, I'm behind you! 😊

I do agree Bibbidee. That's what i did Frances. I started making friends again, joined a few meet ups etc, I don't ask him if I can meet so and so, I just tell him what I'm doing. I did this for my own sanity, Ive spent way too long pandering to someone to keep them happy because I wanted things to be ok.

Frances darling here how I TRY (not yet fthereully ) to accept the injustice of it all. I keep repeating to myself when the thought of it comes in my mind (it is less and less frequent as the times goes but when it comed it is still hurting and to some extend mind and heart paralyzing ):
1- it happens to others that are much better than me so I got to be more modest and accept the injustice of it all.(cheap comfort I know but...)
2- life is not fair so I got to chin up ...
3- I look back at my life and theirs at the time of the affair: I am happy I was me and not them. I rather be gullible and trusting than a cheater ..she enjoyed his dark side and I am enjoying his good side that he is trying to improve for me...
4- I project ourself in the future when we will be old and care one for the other and enjoy our grandchildren, or just our children or even just our last days in the world and in this future justice denied in this event is just meaningless. I read an article in the Hufington post, written by a lady who has been cheated on after her husband/partner died. She said how much she regretted that although she stayed and rebuilt her marriage, she never ever fully embraced him and she regretted it....I don't know if this help..good luck Frances

Frances: about 3 above. Is your husband trying to improve his behavior?is he a better dad? (I know how frustrating it is to feel that he is free to move about and around when I am always stuck and limited in my freedom by the kids..can you allow yourself to take a good childminder for when you want to have some days off. .. (BTW he also betrayed me when I was having tough times with the kids health etc...)

I keep thinking about Hallè Berry or Liz Hurley and the t₩@£$ that messed them about.
I might be able to get 3 days away at Easter, that doesn't clash with their holidays or birthdays.
I Am going to start doing things, I can't ever envisage me taking a week off on holiday on my own though!

seriously Frances, thinking of yourself a bit more is key--whether you stay or go it will improve your life.

And what about Jennifer Aniston? Terrible what BP and AJ did to her...and they went on having a big brood and Angelina J is this wonderful mum doing good things in the UN etc and the affair happened when the main issue between BP and Jennifer was about having kids...tIalking about drnied justice...i really hope that Jennifer will find happiness...as crap said: focus on yourself, reconnect to who you were before the kids and before the marriage. That is one big postive side effect of an affair on the betrayed side. We tend to forget oursrlf when we have a family. The betrayers can never rebecome themselves and reconnect to their ideal image of self before the affair. So if we think about our inner deeper self and forget about shame and the intrusion of others with their negative take on it all, we have won something. And i think we can be proud of our fights and hurt to build it all -even if we were the innocent victims and despite what others say...in few years the kids will grow and you will be able to take your breaks whenever you feel like it...meanwhile reconnect to yourself and accept with love all your feelings -bad and good ..you know i am more than 3 years post the discovery and I do have some nostalgy for the first years when I was an emotional.field of conflicted thoughts and feelings . I felt like i had a second teenagehood...(some might say I am a bit sadistic...but I had so strong feelings after so.many years of rational group/family-thinking....it was good..as the song says: Pain you made me a believer....

Just goes to show no matter how rich or beautiful u are it can happen to any of us

Had a confrontation with dh the other about triggers as this crap has gone on so long which is why I think despite nothing going on he should just cut contact. He basically said he will be mates with v wether I divorce him or not. We have been civil since and I ordered the Shirley glass book to try and make sense of all this for some reason he gets notifications of my amazon orders and hasn’t replied to my texts all day yes it was mainly ok I’ve read it and he has done this before
I just want to try to understand why given all the hurt he has caused texting the local hooker is worth throwing his marriage away losing his and probably a lot of respect from other people if they knew
Ruddy book was meant to be delivered today and hasn’t been grrr lol

He’s snappy as he is doing a tiny bit extra as my car has died pfft he broke his collarbone a few years ago I had to take on extra hours at work do all the driving while he sat at home for 3 months getting pissed and watching bargain hunt and trying to give our kids a good Christmas while he was on reduced pay ffs I am currently getting the bus to work etc but am taking the piss apparently as not doing the horse ??? It’s not on a bus route and getting to work is taking me so much longer gggrrr

We've had an ok few days, he took me for a walk yesterday. I've downloaded a song called Never had a love song, and we've rowed again.
The thing is, he knows it means so much to me. He wrote her one and took a day's holiday to record it, so why wouldn't be write me one of he's trying to show me how much he loves me?

Frances, as you know I’m with you on that!!!

why wouldn't be write me one of he's trying to show me how much he loves me?

Because nothing will console you and he knows he's damned if he does write a song because you won’t believe what’s in the song, and you’ll say but how could you have had an affair if this is how you’ll feel?

It could also be that he’s sick of love songs. He might even be feeling like a daft teenager for writing one in the first place. He might be feeling embarrassed. But there’s also the sad possibility he can’t write one for you because it’s just not in him.

I think you have way bigger things to be thinking about than a love song. It’s the week away thats saying more than anything else, he’s yelling very loud and clear what he thinks of it all and who he is. I think you just need to turn the volume of the music down and listen to him.

The week away is a camping week with an old friend touring on their motorbikes.
It's the sort of thing he'll love.
I don't mind him going and having his time, I never have, but I just wish I could be a priority too.