Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

I went shopping today with my dd Big shopping centre and I really struggled I know this is one place they met up and I kept seeing them everywhere. H was lovely when I got home lots of affection and reassurance but it still hurts like hell. I can’t stop the thought train or the images and there isn’t anything he can say to help either.

The triggers are horrible, Screaming. There’s a couple of places I will be actively avoiding from now on as I know they went there but some are impossible to avoid.

I’m still getting the super-nice treatment but agree with Brokenpromises that it just feels fake. He says how nice it is spending time with me and the kids but clearly it wasn’t enough for him a few months ago.

Alfie it’s good they’ve not been in contact - I hope that she had seen sense and blocked him or similar. It’s still hard for you to come to terms with what’s been happening though when he hasn’t admitted doing anything wrong. Have you considered couples counselling? We haven’t tried it yet as having individual first but will probably give it a go at some stage.

No point in couples counselling he wants a divorce but I may get some individual counselling

Devastated but hope it works out well for him I have given him enough proof this isn’t a special friendship she uses people but he is choosing to turn a blind eye

I guarantee her current interest fluttering of eyelashes to him are that she wants back at our stables. The owner refused her as she can’t turn her out or bring her in the cheeky cow even volunteered dh and dd without asking them pfft.

My h hasn’t told anyone about his affair. Ow told me and I told a few key people - my sister, and 3 friends for my support and his SM, BFF and a mate at work to see if they knew of any others. My mum doesn’t know. Because the ow was my BFF And my mum knows she has split from her H she told me off last night for not being a good friend and supporting her. We live with my mum. I told my h that he needs to tell my mum I can’t be told I’m a bad person for what they did and he needs to have the experience of owning up. I’m nervous if her reaction but glad I won’t have to hide anymore. I haven’t told her before for a number of reasons but this last night has tipped the scales.

Yes he needs to tell your Mum does she not sense something wrong with her living with u

Possibly she has commented on the effort he is now putting in to our relationship and everything else and asked about our ‘date nights’ as we’ve called our counselling sessions. I’ve pretty much hidden everything from her and the kids. It helps that is was a long time ago and he seems to be genuinely sorry and wants us to be better

I am tempted to message her that he takes the friendship out of context how he searches her 20 times a day on Facebook etc. But it probably won’t make a difference maybe I should just start getting my ducks in a row

Have a look at the website beyondaffairs it has some great advise and is helping me

Thanks will have a look really can’t believe this is how my life is turning out met him young my mum didn’t approve. Problems with both sil 2 brothers married 2 sisters I was never going to fit in. Now both sadly died it was me and dh against the world and now it’s over because he can’t keep a friendship open and above board

Just bought "The State Of Affairs" by Esther Perel. I am desperately needing some peace in my soul :(
Tomorrow I have my counsellor.

There has been nothing thats happened to cause this recently. Im just on that fucking rollercoaster

I’m feeling positive today- Saturday was hard work but I read the strategies to combat obsessive thoughts on the beyond affairs website and have been working hard to use them. It help that H is so invested in repentance and making things better. I now repeat he loves me, he is sorry and he wants us to be better every time I have a negative thought and I ‘m thinking them less and less. I also asked him to talk about the affair with me- I reiterated that he can’t hurt me anymore than he has already and minimising things only annoys me. I stayed calm and collected and asked questions that I felt the answers would benefit our recovery

That’s great that u are feeling more positive screaming

Ha. Spoke too soon! Counsellor burst the bubble last night. She exposed h insecurity and he immediately went to the what’s the point stance. He was so down on himself but still aware that he was being selfish which I suppose it good. He started saying he didn’t enjoy that and didn’t want to pay to be made to feel bad. I told him that you f he could put a price on saving us then maybe we do need to think again. It’s the worst we’ve been and made me scared again. What a rollercoaster! We’ve got a break for a week so we’ll see if we can be as good as we have been and if he can try just as hard now the realisation has hit. I think he thought we were just going to counselling to fix me and it would only take a couple of sessions. It’s only been 3 weeks since I found out.

Screaming does he know that most people say it takes around 2 years to recover from an affair? It’s a long road ahead and 3 weeks out is very early days. We haven’t done couples counselling yet but it’s inevitable that it’s going to be difficult at times and you might both hear things you’d rather not. I’m sure facing up to things must help the recovery process, even if it isn’t pleasant at the time.

I have the feeling that my H thinks if he is super nice for a few weeks I’ll get over it and life will go back to normal but I’ve told him that’s impossible. My emotions are still really all over the place; one minute I make up my mind it’s over but the next I’m thinking about what we can do to rebuild things. It’s all very confusing. I want to be swayed one way or the other as I feel like my whole life is on hold at the moment, but I don’t think it’s something that can be rushed. One day at a time...

It really is early days screaming just take it a day at a time

Things are quite calm here I have come off the mini pill so no longer flying into a rage. I am quietly getting my ducks in a row as last time I spoke to him about it although he has cut contact with her he still wanted a divorce. Not sure if it’s to do with the mini pill or acceptance it’s over there isn’t any point in fighting anymore. Divorce is the last thing I want but I can’t save my marriage on my own no point in being angry or sobbing my heart out

I went to the counsellor today and had an utter breakdown. :( she was helpful though I’m so fond of her

It’s funny how men think counselling is for the betrayed party and not for them. We didn't Do anything wrong they did and they need to figure out why and how not to hurt us again. We had a huge row last night - we tried to be calm but he suggested we talk about things I do to upset him- I leave the hoover out (not finished all the rooms yet) I don’t fold my clothes up and can be a bit messy. Obviously that compares to fucking about with my BFF! I do all of the house work so why the fuck shouldn’t I make a mess. He got all humpy and I went into the spare room to which he started using his normal if you don’t come back to bed type ultimatums etc. I told him he had proved my point by reverting back to type and he didn’t get you give me ultimatums or demands. He quicky calmed down and was apologetic and desperate to get me back on side. I think we’ll get there but I’m not letting him get away with anything anymore.

Why doesn’t he think he should go to counselling?

Mine did, still does, a year on. He doesn’t want to a dick who abuses his wife

He was happy to do counselling while he thought it was to help me and would just be about the affair. He really wasn’t expecting to have to delve into his self esteem issues etc. He will still come with me but ‘I’m not enjoying it’. Ha you’re not supposed to it’s a consequence of your betrayal that we look at all the reasons why it occurred so it doesn’t happen again.

@screaming You are spot on. of course it's not comfortable. Its not fun. Talking about the affair is easy, its what made you the person to do that, that isnt.

Sorry been here 2 years ago and I seen it happen in front of my eyes and I thought the was my friend she stood in my kitchen the day after it happened and he didn't say anything to me I feel a fool for that I left her inmy house with him as I went on nytout I didn't suspect it till I came home and she was still in and I felt uncomfortable he says nothing happened that night or was thinking about it but I was sure she liked him I didn't say anything and it happened I didn't know she poped into see he was on lunch break see her left fast forward for 3 night he didn't come home till early in morning he even asked if what he was wearing looked good before going to hers on 3 rd time bags were at door when be came in I still didn't say anything I didn't have proof so he fell asleep u lookied at phone found the messages I went up and battered him with chair everything I could get my hands on he said sorry I said it's a word next day she phoned. and had a go at me gave me dogs abuse acting as he was hers now I knew this was not true she ended up a bunny boiler he soon seen this and came to his senses as to what he had done not only to me but ohr our children as well she was blocked he changed number I knew this I seen it happen in front of my eyes and did nothing about it I could have stopped it but didn't as if it was going to happen then it was is she gave him the attention I wasn't I know this I know its not on me I was crushed could not get images out my head I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd and decided it wasn't ryt time for a baby I was bitter and blamed him for me not having baby there's alot of emotions in the those few weeks but I decided to stay and forgive and he told me all details and I never mentioned it again but I thought it and it would change my mood towards him I don't know how long this lasted for he offered for me to look at fone I refused as I decided to stay and forgive can't keep battering him with it and bring it up as thatz not going to help I can not make him say sorry or talk me through it I choose us and forgave and that was my choice fast forward 2 years I have have not thought about it in over a year we had baby as we wanted to complete our family we have been through it all he is my best friend again we tell each other anything and do I seen your thread and wanted use to have a different story and spin on things we do not need therapy as I do not see the need to tell someone else that problem as it's my decision I did not ask him to sit anything to fix it as there isn't anything that can but use are handling things differently and in glad partner have stayed as long as they have if none of you can move forward it proves they want this relationship and they are sorry or they would of left by now as none of u are moving forward with it it's very much there and counciling isn't working as u are talking about it etc trying to understand it why u would want to understand it is not ure fault it happened but when are you going to let it go so u can forget it use are not in relationship as u are holding back u hope you can find the strength I did xx

Personally, I don’t think it’s healthy to brush it under the carpet and carry on like nothing’s happened. Everyone has different coping mechanisms and it sounds like you had a lot on your plate at the time and that approach worked for you, but I couldn’t do that. If you don’t understand why he cheated in the first place, how can you be confident he won’t do it again?

I would find it impossible to keep all the hurt inside and pretend everything was dandy. I’m an analytical person and I keep going over things in my mind and then I want answers.

I don’t think the fact my husband is still here proves he wants me either. Divorce is expensive and messy, he wants to live with his kids, we have a lovely house, he doesn’t want to look like the bad guy, etc. There are lots of reasons why he wouldn’t want to leave. Even if he does want me, I need to be in a position where I’m confident this wouldn’t happen again and without working things through I don’t know how I could have that comfort.