Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

You’re right the more I talk to other women the more I realise all men are bastards. My h wants me to stop over thinking what was essentially a bit of a fumble(his words). It wasn’t that it was a two month emotional affair with my so called BFF that involved numerous sexual encounters. Just because they didn’t have sex- probably because the opportunity didn’t arise doesn’t make it less. Just because they both say they never thought or talked about running away together does not minimise it. I’m broken, i’m Someone I don’t recognise, tearful and scared. I don’t like being out of the house and I hate not having him in my sight. I’m angry he’s made me this person.

I’m inclined to agree with you arethereany. My family and the few friends I’ve told have been shocked to the core as he’s such a nice guy and doesn’t seem the type to do such a thing. But he did!

It has seriously made me doubt men in general and makes me think is it even worth all the pain and difficulty for me and the kids of leaving him as if I did go on to meet someone else, they are probably capable of doing the same thing anyway.

It’s really depressing that men are such pathetic creatures (I know women do it too but it seems to be a lot more men).

Hi everyone.

I saw there had been new posts since my last one and I stopped for a bit rather than read them. I find that reading about other peoples situation doesn't help me. I feel I question my decision to stay as well as whether I'm doing the right thing. My situation does seem different though as I know why dh did it even if I can't believe it. I understand it I guess. Before I read the latest posts I also thought about how things might have been had I been the one to cheat as I could have. How would I want dh to be with me etc. I'm almost two years since he told me and while the pan can hit like a knife, I do feel we are doing a lot better than we were. I'll always feel I did more work than him, it's been harder for me, I've had unrelated therapy which has been hard, but I also know I've caused dh pain even though I didn't mean too and it's only now I understand why I've done and said and felt what I have.

I'm still worried about what will happen when the kids have left home and there is still someone tugging at the back of my head, but for now, I try. We've been together a long time and he's been an awesome husband mostly.

I just want my husband back the man I thought would never hurt me or lie to me. He’s tripped himself up so many times over the last few days. Partly my fault I stupidly said in a row I would name her in the divorce so he passed it on to her hence her contacting me and probably why she’s contacting him but he denies it one minute he’s had no contact the next he was replying to her message arghh. I wouldn’t be threatening divorce If they both stopped messaging and he stopped hiding it. Give me strength not helped he told dd he wouldn’t text her then she walked in on him doing that so she had a meltdown

One month in........... the crying is back, I thought it had gone, the pain is still very real everyday. @StarlightSparkle, reading your posts I could have written them myself, I wish I could just hate him it would be so much easier, Still don't know what to do.

Sorry your tears are back broken big hugs. I don’t know what to do either. I am driving myself checking up on him trying to catch him out. But then am sad he’s just got his pillow to sleep on the sofa again

I go from doubting myself this is ridiculous it’s just a friendship like he has other female friends that I have no problem with to being angry as to why he lies about his contact with her to feeling like a control freak stalker to feeling very sad that he is letting her come between us is isn’t a long term friendship they have only known each other a year

I am envious of those whose dh are being over nice over affectionate because that’s what I need right now but sadly not getting it.

Its not @alfiemoon, it just feels fake, so fake, its heart breaking, I would scare the shit out of the bitch, see if she messages him then!, I have still not decided what I am going to do to her yet.............

I feel like our counselling sessions are helping. Taking a couple of days off work because I just can’t cope at the moment. I haven’t had the chance to just wallow and process yet

That's good that you think they are helping, Screaming. Are you hoping to stay with your husband?

Glad the counselling is helping screaming

I am tempted to contact her to out his lying and tell her he searches her 20 times a day on Facebook of which I have proof to her it’s a totally innocent friendship but he sees it differently and crosses boundaries lies deletes etc. She thinks I am barking mad a jealous control freak but I can prove it’s his behaviour not mine that is out of order

Yes I am but so much needs to change. We’re in a bubble at the moment and I’m okay at home nothing ever happened here because it was before we moved but I struggle when I’m at work and I can’t see him. It’s not even that I don’t trust him it’s just I don’t know.

Alfie- from your previous posts it doesn’t sound like she would care either way. Your husband just isn’t getting why his behaviour is an issue and maybe he just doesn’t believe you will really leave over something he doesn’t see is a problem. I’ve started reading ‘after the affair’ and it’s helping me understand a lot. I know my H will never read it but it is helping me.

Oh f*ck I think i just derailed everything I burst the bubble. I wrote down a few things I needed him to do nothing too hard. No contact, talk to me etc. Then I wrote down everything I had been thinking and I mean everything, all the questions all the worries everything. I think it scared the bejesus out of him

Screaming it needed to be done. Well done.

Well hopefully it’s out of my head now. He still wants to try so sigh of relief.

I had a weird week.

Last weekend I broke down . I wasn’t doing well.

On the Sunday morning i read his internet history and he had been looking at ways to help your spouse. This is one year on from when he first read this, in the raw days.

There’s been no grand gestures this week, but there’s been the right words, a proper understanding. It’s totally mellowed me out. I don’t feel frustrated now. Every time I trigger he knows how to deal. Wtf has happened.

That sound so positive dot! There is hope then!

I don’t get it. You can’t fake this. It’s odd, but reassuring

I don’t get it. You can’t fake this. It’s odd, but reassuring

Well dh doesn’t appear to have contacted her the last few days but is being moody and snappy even with the kids he could just be tired as my car has died and he’s having to do more running around but I am being polite and civil not arguing or discussing it as I said previously I refuse to while he is passing it straight back to her but he isn’t even replying to my text eg just reminding u to pick dd up. It’s annoying he can’t even reply ok as I don’t know he’s got the message gggrrr

Alfie there is a thread about an EA with a really good step by step guide someone wrote about how to deal with it. Some of it has a a bit extreme but it might be worth you reading it if you haven’t already

Thanks screaming will have a look. He just seems so distant I know he’s not been in contact with her so I expected a there u go u have got what u want approach. I am carrying on as normal I suppose he is but like I said no replying to my text not asking what hours I am working etc. There isn’t particularly an atmosphere and no arguing it just seems weird

I am presuming it is her that has cut contact which is why he hasn’t announced it to me and why he’s being all moody which isn’t the outcome I was hoping for