Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Alfie, I remember your previous thread and how difficult it was to reply to you.

Please don't see you husbands latest antics as a step backwards because they're nothing of the sort, they are in actual fact many steps forward for you on the road to a new life without him in it. Has the last year been a waste of time? No. Its something you had to go through in order to be where you are today - seeing him for who and what he is.

Personally, I don’t think it’s healthy to brush it under the carpet and carry on like nothing’s happened. Everyone has different coping mechanisms and it sounds like you had a lot on your plate at the time and that approach worked for you, but I couldn’t do that. If you don’t understand why he cheated in the first place, how can you be confident he won’t do it again?

Spot on. from experience, going into reconciliation without counselling is a pretty dangerous move. Massive rugsweeping. He got off lightly, he crossed a line and he didn't even need to ask himself why.

I'm actually frightened for that poster.

Looks like everyone is still going through it, :( I was trying so hard to try and work through it with him, we even went to our first relate session. To get a message yesterday to be told he had tried to friend request her, When I asked if he had tried to contact her he lied, and then lied again, when I told him I knew he had tried he got really angry, then could not tell me why he had done it........I was second choice when I found out and she didn't leave her husband, I realize now that's all I have ever been, I feel like a complete idiot that I thought that he loved me and wanted to be with me. I feel like he has screwed me over twice. I love him always will be I cannot keep letting him treat me like this. Any advice??

I’m so sorry Broken and I really wish I knew what to advise. Has he apologised now? I think he needs to be honest with you in why he tried to contact her even if it’s not what you want to hear. From what I’ve been reading, for some men it can take a while to extract themselves completely from the OW at first. When you first found out about the affair, did he stop seeing her straight away?

Broken I’m just wondering why he went to Relate if he’s still acting like a twat too? I don’t get it :(
What does he say he wants

Broken, I’m so sorry this is happening to you.

Why did your husband go to relate? He was lulling you into a false sense of well-being. He was just going through the motions because that’s who he is.

What do you do now? Well for starters You don’t let thinking you’ll always love him hold you back from saying - I’m worth more than this and it’s time for you to go.

Once you do that your blinkers will come off and you’ll understand that loving a partner doesn’t mean you have to offer yourself up to them as a human sacrifice.

Oh Broken I’m sorry hugs from me

So sorry broken big hugs

Thank you all for that, you can start to feel so alone, unloved, unwanted, uncared for, sometimes I'm sure you all feel the same, you feel like no one in the world can know the pain, its a real physical pain, and that it will never end. This has been my life for the last 6 weeks and I feel like I have aged 100 years, I'm so worn out now. Like I said in my previous posts, When I found out he didn't want me for 4 days, He didn't know if he loved me or her, or wanted our marriage to continue. I moved out boxing day he did not once message me in those first few days. Then boom, He loved me again, wanted me to come home, wanted us to be a family. I didn't move home even though I wanted to. He lied at first then on day 4 told me everything, everything I asked he told me, even about them doing it in our home.

:(

He said he was sorry realised it was lust not love, and it was just sex, She stayed with her husband so I suppose he just had to make do with us. I didn't want to believe that, He has been nice, brought a new bed, I suppose he has been trying, but I have not made it easy for him, Up and down with my emotions not knowing how I feel one day to the next, He said that is why he tried to contact her. I asked why he lied about it, when he said he would be honest with me now and he said he dose not know, ?????

He said it wasn't to start anything up again, But I know that when she cut contact boxing day he tried to get a message to her, through her friend, He wasn't willing to let it go even though, she had made it clear she did not want to see him and she was going to work it out with her husband, How can I believe that trying to contacting her this time was Innocent, tbh sitting here reading this as I write it I have to laugh, who am I trying to kid, he just wanted to see if she would get in touch :( and they could pick up were they left off.

That’s awful broken big hugs. My dh hasn’t used WhatsApp all week I am convinced he only talks to her on there and it shows today he has been on it. I asked if he had heard from the person whose dog he walks as that is the only person I could think off he said no so my mind is in overdrive that he was messaging her to say he wouldn’t see her today out with the dogs. We have had a good week and thought we were getting back on track he’s also pissed me off as my car has totally died and asked him to run me to the shop and he said no gggrrr

We have had a good week and thought we were getting back on track he’s also pissed me off as my car has totally died and asked him to run me to the shop and he said no gggrrr

Alfie, we've heard this from you so many times - I thought we were getting back on track. Yet you never actually do get back on track. Instead you while away your life second guessing what he's been up to on his phone, or out with the dog, or down at the yard.

For your own sake, let alone your DD's, you either have find a way to live the life he's planned for you, or you find a way to live your life without him. But what you are not going to get is the life you want with him.

And if you do manage to paper over the cracks again? You'll be back here in the not too distant future repeating yourself on another thread.

I understand that fionne it’s just so difficult because it is technically only a friendship he has with her they weren’t sexting etc so it seems ridiculous to end it but it’s his lies about it all that drives me mad

Alfie, without wishing to hurt a woman who’s already hurt enough, the reality is that your husband has to have this woman in his life one way or another and you have to find a way to stop minimizing things by saying she’s just a friend. She’s not. She’s someone your husband is obsessed with.

Deep down I know u are right but it just seems such a waste of a long marriage and so trivia compared to the other ladies on this thread

so trivia compared to the other ladies on this thread

Alfie, this is an example of how you minimise things, its an example of how you look for excuses to not see your situation for what it is.

The sad reality is that you are going through the same thing as other women on this thread - your checking his phone, you can't trust him, you daren't let him take the dog for a walk, your head is like a spindryer and so is your heart. Your doing everything they've done as betrayed wives because you are a betrayed wife.

You say he's not slept with her - but he probably does every time he closes his eyes. And why does a betrayal have to involve the physical act of sleeping with someone anyway? It doesn't. But by you saying he's not slept with her its once again minimising whats going on.

And the reason your husband continues with his appalling behaviour? He knows he can.

Again, you either have to find a way to live this or you have to make a new future for yourself outside of your marriage, but one thing you cannot do is continue with things the way they are or you'll end up a mental and emotional wreck.

Fionne, You are so wise, I read your posts and think I wish I could see things as clearly as you................

Fionne, you are so right. I know where Alfie is coming from too. In my case because the betrayal although very crap in my opinion was a long while ago my head says 'others on here have got hooker situations and sexting and guys who are terrible to them'. I've found a load of love songs to someone else written and recorded , some big over texting at the time and a few secretive meet ups (found on an old phone) and am told it was just a crush that went too far.however my heart still isn't 100% in it . In Alfie's case like me I think a small part of her says 'other women would put up with this, maybe I'm overreacting' because that's what my head tells me sometimes. Thing is I guess we are all different. One persons LTB is another persons laugh it off!! Same with porn etc

I agree fionne speaks wise words. On the one hand I feel foolish and like some controlling wife who won’t allow her dh to text female friends so threatening divorce but I am not it’s just this one person so much has gone on his lies his actions He seems to have no clue how this affects me. I can’t confront her to explain as she goes running to him and vice versa. It’s causing problems in her relationship and mind so as it’s a relatively new friendship why not just stay the hell away from each other pfft

Alfiemoon1 you are not controlling it is hurting you, so he should see that,........nip it the bud, texts are how it started with my h and that slut.

You are not controlling Alfie, the overtexting was what made me think back in 2005 that something was a bit off, it was all denied and I was made to feel neurotic, fast forward to 2016 and I find all that ‘stuff’ . My instincts were bang on correct. I wish now I had made a bigger fuss at the time and got to the bottom of it whereas now I am left wondering if there was more to it than he admits to. If he won’t cut contact when it upsets you there is clearly some kind of crush/obsession one way or mutual and that’s most unfair on you. She may just be a needy cow and he has a bit of a fixation, but you have every right to ask him to cut it if you feel it’s beyond boundaries

Yetmorecrap the music thing would kill me, more than a hooker or sex, weirdly enough. Please never think your situation isn’t “as bad” as someone else. I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.

Thanks Dot, yes its a particularly cruel way to find out your DH had a bit of an obsession about someone else. Finding the writing is bad enough but Hearing them singing and playing and knowing exactly what its about is pretty hard on the emotions,. stuff like 'it will all be worth it when we become one' or 'emotions of you are flowing through my soul' don't exactly make me feel too great. I agree that I would have found a ONS or purely sex thing much easier to cope with and decide on I feel. When i see people who have found emails or texts I know its really awful, but at least they don't hear them 'reading it out' in their voice. I think really its only the time factor of it being done 11 years before I found it all (16 months ago) as to why I didn't tell him to get lost , if it was just before or at the point i found this stuff, I most definitely would have done. The thing I hate though most is he minimises it as just a crush that went a bit too far and because it was (so I am told) all on him, that it wasn't an emotional affair or betrayal. he is very sorry indeed and knows it has devastated me but i can tell from the slight impatience if I ever dare mention it (and I rarely do these days) that he thinks I have over reacted and that I need to just forget it. I would have taken bets on him 'grovelling' to be honest and hasn't really happened.

We've had a lovely night away....and I've had another meltdown. Last year, he secretly took Valentine's Day off to take her out.. Why, after 11 months since I found out and 7 months since they eventually stopped texting, am I still having daily meltdowns?
How do I become calm and learn to sincerely forgive?

Frances 7 months or 11 months it’s still early days in terms of recovery and reconciliation. It’s been a while day of meltdowns for me today, the tears have left my face stinging.

I wanted to own valentine’s day this year. I have a card (it’s just an image, none of this lovely dovey text) and his fav choc. Bare minimum. I am not 100% sure whether to go through with giving it to him. I’ll decide tomorrow

Feeling emotional tonight can’t wait to get the kids teenagers to bed and have a good cry. For those who haven’t read my original posts I admit I went through a crazy snooping on his phone when he was asleep phase and I found links to live web cam he dismissed that as pop up from regular porn I found a message from a female family friend asking him for a drink just between them his reply was great sounds good but it’s difficult to get out so he would get back to her he never did so that was his get out clause but why not reply no I am married? I may be paranoid batshit crazy but he has never said Alfie I love u It’s just a friendship he’s seen me cry over this he’s never held me and promised me everything will be ok according to him I bring it on myself he’s done nothing wrong
I even remember sobbing my heart on on the dining room floor curled up like a baby and he stepped over me