Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

Cheers Alfie this group has kept me sane this week it’s sick how I feel better knowing I’m not the only one in pain. Sod it I’m opening another bottle

I am not sure how I can resolve my situation as talking to him is no longer an option he is definitely back in contact with her basically telling her what I’ve said which is what he did last time yet anything they discuss is confidential. He literally messages her straight after me.

I’m sorry I can’t help Alfie I don’t know what to say to make you feel better except hugs

Thanks screaming it means a lot we are back to square one basically. Considering they only bumped into each other a week ago no idea if they had met up before it’s not taken him long for his loyalties to shift. Is it me being sensitive that finds it a betrayal he tells her everything I say. It’s back to a me against them situation

That’s not a way you should feel in a marriage! It should be you and him against the world or am I being hopelessly romantic

Sadly it was how it was before with the same person after probably 9 happy months he’s taken us back to square one my head says it’s over but my heart is breaking I doubt they will be together she has a boyfriend I don’t even know if he wants to be with her but when together they cause a shit storm. I do question whether all this is enough to end a long marriage it’s not sexual that I am aware of but I know it’s not right

If your not happy your not happy. If he doesn’t want to fix that with you then ....

This has happened before with the same woman we moved on but sadly he’s up to his old tricks again i can’t go through this again because of her and whatever hold attraction she has over him. I want to sob my heart out to my husband of 17 years but sadly he’s not bothered by my tears and is the one causing them

Alfie this isn’t a man who wasnts monogamy. He doesn’t want to respect the marriage. I appreciate you’ve both been married a long time but he doesn’t have any intention of seeing the light. :(

Moral Disengagement

Just found this on the internet having a Google. Sounds like Re-writing the past?

So she texts me how this is now causing problems between her and her boyfriend?? Wtf stop discussing my marriage with my husband behind my back and here’s an idea stop contacting each other all together problem solved the pair of em are crazy

I am sure I must be missing something nobody is forcing her to discuss my marriage with him she can tell him she doesn’t want to be involved she doesn’t have to reply to his text and he doesn’t need to involve her yet some how this is my fault I don’t get it

Alfie - tell her husband. Your husband is a twat and I'd be making plans for divorce. Maybe get your ducks in order secretly and then have divorce papers served in him and shock him out of this teenage nonsense.

I can have lovely few days, then my blind fury kicks in and I rant and tell successful things .
H can be quite passive aggressive and he's a master at withholding affection to keep me in control. My blow-ups usually happen after a put down.....and a couple of glasses of wine.
I don't know how to break this toxic cycle.

I rant and tell some awful things....love auto text!

Nope, yell not tell, I don't know why yell's not recognised!

Frances - you seem very conditioned to your husband keeping you in control .

I had searing pain tonight. It comes sometimes and just makes me so sad.

@FrancesDestroyed

'My blow-ups usually happen after a put down.....and a couple of glasses of wine.
I don't know how to break this toxic cycle'

Ignore the baiting comments and ditch the wine?

I’ve only had one angry blow up so far. It was over the phone and I must have used the c word about a hundred times. It’s early days though not even 2 weeks since I found out. I spoke to the OW my former BFF and feel like I can let go of my anger and hurt from that side- she is gone from my life and I can’t handle the double pain I have to concentrate on my marriage. The hurt of what they did is beyond anything. We went out as a family yesterday and he didn’t try to take my hand. He’s always hated holding hands in public but did it with her, now we can never have that without me thinking about them and how he wanted to hold her hand and not mine and how if he ever try’s now it will be fake and I know that.

I mentioned to dh how we hold hands a lot less now and that's because she held his whine they were walking. They just don't think. Pricks.

Yes I know I should ditch the wine, but I definitely react to his comments and moodiness. A 15 year old with raging hormones doesn't help either!

I was mellowing he’s off tonight so being cheerful in front of the kids. He told dd he wouldn’t contact her anymore. I know he hardly uses WhatsApp except to talk to her was on this morning then nothing all day I nip the shop for 15 mins and he’s on there. Just biting my tongue tonight lol. How is everyone else doing ?

My H has gone into Mr Nice Guy overdrive this week (2 months since d-day). Keeps buying me presents, flowers, etc and gushing about how much he loves me, etc, but I can’t help but feel that it’s all a bit fake. If I hadn’t found out I’m certain he would still be sneaking around with the OW and he certainly wouldn’t be acting like this then (was actually being quite off then with both me and my family/ friends).

I think his feelings have intensified since we slept together for the first time since d-day. He tells me I’m the love of his life, best friend, etc but then how could he then lie and betray me like he did and have sex with another woman? He totally pursued her too - taking her out for drinks, then dinner and finally hotels. It was so pre-meditated. I want to believe that he won’t do it again but I can’t. I honestly thought he wasn’t the type - everyone thinks he such a bloody nice guy - and when I did find out I honestly hadn’t suspected a thing. Looking back there were a lot of red flags but I trusted him so much it didn’t even occur to me that there could be another woman.

It’s so hard to know what to do. I keep changing my mind on a daily basis. He told so many lies after being found out (the usual minimising stuff) and even now I’m not sure I have the full story, but I never will as all the evidence has now been deleted and he only really admitted stuff that I had evidence for.

I know it’s still early days but I really wish I could make a decision as I feel like I can’t get on with the rest of my life until this is resolved one way or the other.

Starlight i’m With you. My h is like a different person since i found out and I can’t trust it. I’m so needy and insecure now i’ve Never been that way. I hate that he has changed me

I'm sorry and I hate to beat down on men as a whole but they are shit, like there's a massive flaw in their design. I know there are rotten women out there and we females make mistakes too but men are absolutely shit. Led by their peni. I'm actually lacking respect for men full stop at the moment, I hate to be a man hater but they are such weak creatures lacking morals. A woman flutters their eyelashes and they have to take them to bed. Why not take some pride in yourself and feel a sense of accomplishment by declining the opposites sex' advances if you're already in a relationship? There are too many broken people out there because of people literally taking their partners for granted and treating marriage as a joke. I'll probably take a hit from my comments but man bashing but men soooo shit it angers me! Apologies to any guys out there that have also been shit on but RANT OVER and GIRL POWER! :)