Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

And, by the way, I don't buy for one second that he is clinically depressed; he's just another self-absorbed asshole who got caught and doesn't like the consequences. Poor you.

Screaming
People do need to know, but I think the people who do are the ones in you support network.

I often regret telling anyone because I just feel utter shame sometimes, but on the other hand they got me through!

Having a shit day got an ear throat and sinus infection. Supidly sent dh a text saying now u have deleted her of Facebook u can stop WhatsApp her as well and he’s sent me a stroppy text back calling me ex wife which hit home a bit if that is what I want. I need to stop having a go at him but can’t seem to stop

Broken as it was my best friend he had the affair with..... I called his stepmom the minute I found out, my sister and her H know, his best man and wife, mate at his work and my boss know as well as another female friend of mine. I can’t help blabbing when I get upset. I want him to tell the rest of his family and I may force that at some point

dontknow I agree. This is what made him have an affair. This is his selfish behaviour. However while I don't encourage it and I said so to him today I don't expect someone to change their ways over night. At the moment I need to ride my rollercoaster until I make a decision if to ride it alone or with him. This will depend on his change of character (or not). As for me I'm fine. I see what makes him behave like this and I am not letting it get to me. I am all up for reaching out to anybody who feels suicidal. I've been there four months ago and I know I needed a hand to get out of that hole. Incidentally as the books say in this situation the perpetrator becomes the healer and that's how it was then.

Now it gets to me in only one way: I see what's broken in him, I'm there to save a life (and yes I do believe suicide is the most selfish act, seeing the selfishness in my H in all its beauty in the last 4 months I do believe he'd be capable of it, he is indeed selfish enough not to think of his parents, the kids, gosh last night all I could think was that his mum would blame me for it) but I am mostly focused on my healing.

An affair needs to be outed indeed to people supporting the marriage. But it needs to be outed. The moment it becomes less secretive it loses its attractiveness. I outed it to the people whom I knew wouldn't judge me for staying. In fact I hold my head up straight as everybody who knows (IL, BIL, SIL, my brother and my friend) are looking at me in admiration for how I am dealing with it and I am sure my H feels shit facing them. He read all my SIL's texts to me on NYE and she kept saying how amazing I have dealt with it all and she respects my choices and she wouldn't have been so strong and capable to deal with it this way. I am sure my H wanted the earth to swallow him when he read all that. He knows that while his family love him (and they will always be his blood) they love me dearly and they always thought he's lucky to have found me. And now the way he treated me has changed the way they see him.

It also puts an affair into real life (rather than fantasy land). I'm sure my H soon realised his relationship with the ow would be doomed in RL. Nobody in his family would accept her for months or even years to come if ever. I am certain of that. My kids are old enough (almost 11 and almost 17) to chose when to see him and in which circumstances so when they would find out she is the reason their lives was altered forever he'd have to chose of how he spends his time: with her or with his kids because I am certain they wouldn't accept her. So I am sure that once the affair was outed and the reality became evident in his mind he realised what's at stake.

That's not to say it is a threat in order to keep him with me. It is just a fact of life. We may still end up divorced. But he would never be able to create a comfortable real life relationship with the ow. With another woman that he meets in normal circumstances yes, but not with her.

Alfiemoon1

WTF thats not remorseful! You're right he clearly doesn't get it!

He says he’s done nothing wrong but I class it as an emotional affair. It drives me insane wondering what they are talking about

And you're absolutely right to do so Alfiemoon1.

To invest so much time in other women... would he go to marriage counselling. Perhaps he needs an outsider pointing out where he is going wrong?

He won’t go for counselling but I picked up a card from the doctors today for myself to go

I don’t like the woman I don’t like the way she treated my daughter in the past she uses people. She knows full well this causes problems and carries on adding fuel to the fire. He sent me a thing on cyber bullying because I insisted he deleted her off Facebook. That’s come via her I am sure of it.

I'm finding this so hard to read. It's making me realise that dh is just a man like any other and that maybe he's playing me, isn't that special. He doesn't know what to do to fix things as I don't know what I want. There are times when he does little things and I know it's his way of showing me he loves me. For instance, he went to shop one and then shop two to try and get a prescription. Shop two were ordering it. I said I'd prefer to get it from shop one. He would have gone back to shop one for me. He makes me drinks. Sorts out my meds'. All things a loving dh should do but I've noticed it more and he's doing more. Other times I think he looks angry with me for mentioning it but when I ask he says he's embarrassed and angry at himself. We have had moments where he said he's not living, just existing and doesn't want to stay if it's always going to be like this. I told him I didn't want that either but it's a consequence of his actions.

I sometimes wish I could leave. Just time alone to breathe. But I keep hearing MIL voice and I know I wouldn't be happier without him. A day at a time.

I have just googled emotional affair to forward to him later in response to his cyber bullying text. He does every single point on there but he still won’t believe he’s doing anything wrong. Why oh why did they have to bump into each other and start it all over again

Ask him how he'd feel if you did all he's done with her with . If he says instantly he wouldn't mind, kill him.

He says what I do on my phone and who i talk to is my business he insists it’s all totally innocent but to me it’s not it’s to much to often and all done in secret and deleted. Plus he even moved out at one point over these rows god knows why she is so important to him

I started crying again today, I thought I was done with the crying, It just kinda catches you out. He has this way I getting round me, I ended up sleeping with him and hate myself for it, Why am I so weak? I know deep down I will never get over this, and there is no point in trying as it is just prolonging the pain. I will not be able to live with the whats he doing?, who's he doing it with?, is he lying to me?, what is he hiding?. He wont be able to live with it either, People who stay have a strength that I don't think i possess. I always thought they were the weak ones, how wrong was I.

It’s so sad the mess other people have made of so many lives for selfish reasons. Hugs to all of you

Alfie - do you think he really means that? Or says it because he trusts you? Or just wants free rein to do what he wants? AKA open relationship.

BrokenPieces - do you genuinely feel cross you slept with him or feel you are supposed to? I know I've had feelings of not knowing if I truly felt something or felt I was supposed to feel it. I sometimes felt like I had posters on my shoulder nagging me to feel a certain way. Ultimately I decided it was my life, my relationship and while I sometimes don't know what I feel or why, I don't have to answer or justify it to anyone. Ironically my ex was the first person I told about dh action and he said it's a sign of strength to stay. That kept me going for a long time. Now I don't bother with it as I no longer care what he thinks. But really, he was right.

I can’t help wondering what she is up to. She has form for getting friendly with teenagers and gullible blokes when she wants something. This has all revolved around horses stables her horse isn’t currently at our stables she tried to come back but the owner refused as she can’t / won’t do turn outs and bring in v offered dh and dd without even asking them. So she had no choice but to loan her horse out I wonder if she is suddenly being friendly to him as she wants her back at the yard

I wish I could turn a blind eye to all this I really do i work part time he does stuff with the kids we have an ok house are ok not brilliant but ok financially but I can’t I can’t stand all the secrecy the being ok then finding something else out that he hasn’t told me.

How is everyone today. I’ve decided that as they are obviously back in contact via WhatsApp and as previously everything I said when straight back to her I am not going to react I will discuss the kids house etc but there isn’t anything more for us to say to each other. They are going to have to find something or someone else to talk about

By the way Alfie, don’t comment on the Whats App stuff you are aware of, let him dig a hole

I’m meeting the OW today my former BFF. I’m tired of being in pain and I want closure, I want to be through worrying about her and thinking about it all the time.

Good luck screaming, really own this. The shame is on her

God it was a mess. We’ve got such a history and I don’t think she had truly appreciated the pain she caused me. She’d boxed it up and pretended it hadn’t happened. Her marriage was abusive and still is. I know I should cut her off. Am I a mug or a bigger person for still caring about them. It was 8 yrs ago nothing has happened since. It maybe (in a weird way) the best thing to have happened to my marriage. I don’t know how to feel. The pain is huge(numb now cos I’ve had 2 crabbies hic) but the though of not having either of them in my life right now is awful, plus her kids are like my own. I know things can never be the same but I just want to hug and cry. Her betrayal is worse than his. Men are arseholes and think with their dicks and I am genuinely hopeful that he will change and we can be stronger I know people who have and are. He wants to and has been. I can’t just let go I care but I don’t I’m doing what they did and boxing it up and putting it away. I suggested we get couples counselling me and her - got I am crazy!

Big hugs to u screaming