Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

rocketgirl I could have slept with an ex who was very up for it and married but I didn't want to break my vows and didn't want to hurt my dh. He said he'd have stayed if I had slept with him but too big a risk. And then after, if the ex didn't talk to me again how bad would I have felt about myself? If you do do it, please don't sleep with a married man.

I'm hurting today. He gave me a cuddle and put his arms around me; and I can't stop picturing him with her. It's a bad day.

It’s the images in your head and how they can never understand that. I don’t think I can ever hold his hand again. He has always made a fuss about holding hands in public but did it willingly with her. Now i’ll Never be able to have that again without it being tainted. Crying in the toilets at work again

I've spoken about having an affair myself with my therapist who is amazing. She did confirm what I thought it would be also, the final nail in the coffin. I had this opportunity since 2016. I have somebody at work who some colleagues believe he is actually in love with me. The most hurtful thing is: during 2017 he was becoming a bit too persistent, I wasn't even flirting but he was very interested in me. Not aggressive but so so interested. So I used to talk about him with my H. Telling him and joking about what he's done today. In the end I said to my H I need to properly send him the message I am happily married (or so I thought) so I printed a picture of the 4 of us and put it on my desk. The irony of it? While I was doing all that and showing my H how to prevent an affair he engaged into one. How the hell could he see and hear all the steps I was taking not to cheat on him and he still went ahead with his?!

Anyway once they had their affair you're left with the desire of having your own bit of fun. Of feeling butterflies and wanted and desired. And you think "so you had your bit your fun and excitement and I didn't, but I am still the one being faithful here?!"

But it isn't the answer. Affairs are dirty and hidden and don't bring that beautiful feeling of a new relationship. They bring hurt and sorrow and betrayal. They bring dirtiness and a feeling of lowering your character to be capable to do that. So for me it's a no no. But should we not survive this I will be hoping into the dating world with a big desire of having my bit of fun.

I do need to be careful though, I feel so vulnerable at the moment that I know it would take the right man to change my mind. Why would I resist it badly now? What reasons would I have to say no? So I try to keep my life private and definitely not discuss my struggles with any male person. They would sniff vulnerability immediately.

The mind movies are heart breaking. We are having sex (hysterical bonding) which is amazing but sometimes in the middle of it, mostly when I am enjoying myself the most the images pop into my head. I learnt to dismiss them but it is still hard. I imagine him kissing her and kissing her boobs and pulling his orgasm face and groan and it pains me. I know the way they did it so i did do those positions early on as I wanted to reclaim them. It worked but sometimes it still comes in my mind...

It sucks...

to be honest if I was on my own, the last thing i would want for a pretty lengthy amount of time I feel would be another relationship. im a bit 'off' men .

Thank you broken at least I know i’m Not crazy for the hysterical sex. I’m trying to hard to reclaim my man. I feel the need to speak to the OW she was my best friend and her betrayal is excruciating. How did it feel those of you that confronted them?

When my ex made it clear how he felt I was worried. It brought back all the years I'd spent loving him, missing him, etc and I tried to talk to dh. He didn't get it. I stopped talking to my ex as dh asked me too but I know now he'd already been talking to her for nearly a year and it had become flirty.

I know what positions they did too and other stuff he did for her but won't for me and it bloody hurts.

Ironically, between him shagging her and telling me, I told him it he felt he wanted to sleep with anyone else to talk to me about it. Later I found out he shit himself as he thought I knew.

We also ad hysterical bonding which pissed me off no end and still does tbh. Physically it's never been as I'd want and something happened which meant I wanted more and was able to enjoy it more and he isn't in a position to give me that. He's always made me feel a bit shit about wanting sex. Meanwhile, I've got my super sexy ex making it clear what he'd like to do, including what dh won't, and I had the chance and couldn't do it. We don't talk now. Since then I've gone between regretting not shagging him and being glad I didnt. Dh tells me he'd probably have stayed if I had. Makes me question my decision again but ultimately I think I did the right thing. I just think if I had, I wouldn't be able to give dh a hard time and we might have got passed it sooner.

Feel I'm intruding and spouting crap in a private conversation but I hope it helps someone. You're not alone in your feelings.

Not intruding at all we all need to vent and if you can’t IRL here is the next best thing

Thank you.

My dh didn’t have a physical affair so not sure if I am welcome here I almost wish he had as it would be more clear cut. I sometimes doubt myself think I am crazy the texts between them weren’t even sexting so what is my problem? He has other female friends I have no issues with but to me this friendship crossed boundaries if he had slept her it would of been game over he didn’t but he hurt me he lied to me about probably innocent things and I just can seem to get over it. Huge respect to others whose dh have had a physical affair and our staying together. Maybe it’s my dh lack of remorse and empathy to how I feel that is the real problem my head is mashed with all this

Do I think if she offered it to him on a plate with no chance of me knowing and no charges he would of fucked her yes ggrrr

Yes I to have done the pick me dance the be at it like rabbits thing still found deleted WhatsApp messages he still lied about having no contact with her

Brokenlife You hit the nail on the head when you talk about affairs being dirty, wanting to feel desired and, well, what's to stop me behaving in the same way as you?
My H thinks he's so great for getting a skank half his age; I've seen her photo and she's awful, she truly is. She's a small-town girl with no aspirations and not much going for her: culturally, academically or in the looks department. I've had a mastectomy because of breast cancer; she has 2 tits and is 19 years younger than me. That's it. She has a HUGE nose, big spots all over her chin and is nothing compared to the strong woman that I am. Maybe he wanted someone he could dominate. Who knows what goes on inside their heads?

You = him!

More tears today and I’m so tired. I’ve lost 7lbs this week.

Not having the best of weeks, I keep ripping into him. Triggering from every direction :(

Pretty sure my 7 year old must have heard me say something this morning because when I kissed her goodbye for work she seemed to be annoyed and upset at me. That is not on. I'm really angry at myself.

I've just messaged my counsellor for an appointment, I haven't seen her for weeks, maybe its months now, time has gone so fast. Shes so positive and helps push me forward and I need that.

We are having a bad time too. My H is showing strong signs of depression, he spent last night crying and telling me that he wants to end his life, he cannot deal with the disappointment in my eyes, with my love for him being altered, he cannot believe he did this to the greatest woman he ever had in his life. He cannot look into my eyes and our kids' eyes without feeling like a piece of shit. I deserve better and he doesn't deserve to be with us. I kept trying to talk some sense into him but nothing I said made any difference, he kept crying and saying he wants to end his life.

I was literally on suicide watch, he left to go for a walk and the way he said he loved me, kissed me and hugged me made me put my coat on and run after him holding onto him while we had a walk in the bloody freezing cold.

Came back and had another cry in bed, this time I cried also. He kept saying how bad he feels and how he doesn't deserve me, how he cannot believe he shouted at me when I wanted to talk in the middle of the night telling me to let him sleep as he is tired and now I was taking care of him like nothing else mattered. How I am the most loyal person he ever met, how nobody else ever loved him the way I did and he threw it all away for something and someone so shallow and stupid.

It was all triggered by the ow posting publicly on FB on Wednesday night "June "The Affair" can't wait" obviously making references at what her opinion about affairs are. Then yesterday I got two calls from unknown numbers, listening to my voice and then putting the phone down on me. I never had this in my life before. Unknown calls are usually telling me that I had a car accident but never someone not taking. Yes she has my number.

So i freaked out and texted him saying how tired I am of his mess, how I am sick of having anxiety attacks and feeling unsafe because of his reckless actions. How he should be "proud" of the shit person he brought into our lives.

He kept texting how sorry he was and how he really won't forget me standing by him in this shit situation.

And then he called me crying and he then spent the evening as above, crying and saying he doesn't know how I go through each day because only the realisation of what he's done hits him from time to time and he just wants to die.

I am so exhausted...

My dh also said he wanted to die the day he told me. I'm becoming very sceptical about how he's been.

To be blunt, if he wants to do it he will. I'd tell him, next time he says it, that you are going to ring 999. Abusive men use it as a threat and advice I say call the emergency services and I think I'd do it in this case too.

Talk to him about financials. Are they all sorted as if he's dead you'll need to support the kids alone. Shock him. Don't let him put more strain on you.

My h hasn’t cried or at least not that I know of. He’s so apologetic and desperate to be everything he hasn’t been. It just feels fake but I can’t help lapping it up and then feeling bad for being so easy.

You are right YearsofYou in fact today I feel that while seeing him do distraught makes me feel like I am not going through this pain alone all the time I also feel like he is putting more and more emotional baggage on me. Not that I don't believe he's truly distressed, we've been together for so long and he never cried, never had any distress like that. But at the same time his selfish behaviour is coming through again, instead of looking at me and thinking "this woman has enough on her plate, I shouldn't pile more on her" he's talking about "I , me me me". It is all about how perfect our lives were and he wants to go back there, how miserable he feels now...

Anyway I know what's next as we've been through this before: next step is putting the walls up to protect himself from the feeling of being a shit person and doing this to me, going to "I am doing everything possible while won't you be happy".

Well I guess it gets to the point I said it would before, I will one day in a few months' time, be ready to look back and see what's left.

Screaming the reality is that whatever they do or say isn't enough. We don't register because our brain protects us by reminding us they aren't trustworthy. So no matter how remorseful my H is at times I don't believe it more than an hour or two and then I wonder what is behind it.

Last night when he kept crying I asked him after a while if there is more. I said to him his distress makes me wonder if they have been in touch again and he now feels like he made a mistake and doesn't know how to tell me, if he wants to leave etc. Because I don't believe it anymore. He denies it. It is all apparently about him realising what a piece of shit he is. Hmmmm....

ah yes, this is all quite familiar.

He is also quite desperate for me to not tell everyone and I said that’s because you are embarrassed and ashamed and he said yes. I want him to tell people I want him to have nowhere to hide from the pain he has caused me.

yetmorecrap want to share? Any advice with this would help as you can all imagine it isn't something I was expecting to deal with so no training received.

Screaming I wouldn't put up with that. My MIL found out on the day. In fact the moment I found out I called him to get home and then I called my MIL sobbing on the phone. So the ILs know. Then about a week later I told my brother and the following weekend he told his brother. I didn't have to ask him, I just said it is fair for our close family to know what we're dealing with so they can support us or just understand what we are going through. MIL is now cooking for us once a week as I just recently started cooking again. She does piss me off because she ignores the subject and pretends that nothing happened but I know she's doing her best. Since finding out my H cheated on me which basically shocked her and she kept saying to him "you will fix this, you have to fix this, fix it!" her other son (my BIL) had a heart attack on Boxing Day. So she isn't having a great time.

And then my line managers at work had to find out as I was signed off twice. I asked him to tell his line manager also and he apparently did but who knows? My best friend knows.

Jesus, brokenlife, I would have had little patience for that. That is PRECISELY the self-absorbed, selfish thinking that got him there in the first place. There is nothing going on right now that should be about him. Please don't feel sorry for him; it's manipulation, pure and simple. Your role is not to support him through the pain he caused; he should be supporting you, not disappearing up his own arse. I'm really outraged for you. I hope you see what a crappy, crappy thing he's doing. It is exactly at the heart of his problem. I'm begging you to cut this off immediately or tell him to get out until he can get his focus on you. His histrionic guilt and shame is just another manifestation of his selfishness. What an utter, utter dickhead.