Infidelity support thread for the betrayed party

[ppandj]

I recently found out about my partner's affair, which occurred while I was pregnant and had a newborn (plus a toddler). My partner's behaviour was vile to me for a long time (turns out it was part of the guilt of the affair) and I had been considering ending our relationship anyway. Then I found out about the infidelity and our world has come crashing down, we are both devastated and my partner has had a wake up call- all the illusion of his affair has been shattered and he realises what he jeopardised when he made those choices. I have not yet decided what to do long term; whether we stay together depends largely on him and whether he can have a good look at himself and learn his lessons, but also I need to build my self-esteem and think about what I actually want.

Since I found out I have been on MN (more than usual ) and have read some old threads where the betrayed spouses were supporting eachother. I have also seen that there are many coping with this shitty experience currently posting. So I thought maybe we can have a thread to know that we aren't alone.

I’ve got my answers already haven’t I ? The fact I took him back despite he said he did nothing wrong on the terms he had no contact with her. She’s no longer at our stables he can’t help if he bumps into her dog walking And the dogs start playing fair enough but he doesn’t have to take her for a drink and add her on Facebook. He’s minimalised everything has lighted even called me mental and obsessed. Striking while the irons hot just ordered a tax credit form even if he thinks it’s all innocent he knows it’s hurting me and affecting our marriage and he doesn’t give a shit

I’ve not made his tea tonight or washed his uniform for tomorrow night he’s never used a washing machine before in his life and I’ve stuck the child lock on it. Childish pathetic yes but after 22 years of doing absolutely everything for him I feel used and hurt

Oh god Alfie that’s the first time i’ve Laughed for a good few days. Child lock on the washing machine I love it!!!

Glad I gave someone a laugh sobbing my heart out while making the kids butties dh in the other room totally not phased after all I bring it on myself and he’s so used to it now. Not feeling very brave but I would comfort a sobbing stranger in the street rather than blank them. There’s nothing left really Is there very sad it’s the end of an era been with him since I was 17 now 40. I have been the backbone of this family have turned to many a blind eye to stuff so I know I can do this just never thought I would have to

It’s just all so pointless though they aren’t sleeping together she doesn’t want him he’s a shit husband putting me through this he’s a shit friend to her as he’s dragging her through this there secret phone calls were in front of her partner she doesn’t delete texts she’s had to loan out her beloved horse because she can’t afford stable fees yet he knows I will name her in a divorce so she will be liable for court costs. All the upset to the kids makes him a shit dad. For what !? He risks losing everything for nothing yet I am the one whose crazy

Alfie I’m so sorry all I can say is I feel your pain. I do understand and I know about sobbing you heart out to a blank wall. Before I found out we had this exact situation and it’s only since I know that he want to make an effort. I don’t trust it’s real. You can and you will get through this.

Hi all.

Mine was a runaway husband so it was SUDDEN! STBXH severed our 20 year relationship one afternoon out of the blue. Turned out he was having an affair...

Anyway I have spent 16 months 'untangling the skein of fuckedupness' (thanks Chumplady!) and found this following article resonated with me the most.

This is probably the best article I've read about Infidelity and believe me, I'VE READ A LOT!

https://www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882<a class="break-all" href="http://go.mumsnet.com/?xs=1&id=470X1554755&url=www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.theatlantic.com/amp/article/537882/" target="_blank">/

Having a productive morning opened a new bank account reduced the virgin tv package and found out how to cancel his phone contract that’s in my name also checked out how much maintenance I would be getting.

Well done what can you flog off on eBay? Games consol, golf clubs? Oh the fantasies i’ve Had about doing this

Oh now that’s an idea he has 2 sets of golf clubs only played twice in his life they could go lol. I am still waiting for him to find out his work uniform is still in the basket and he needs it tonight and then watch him try to work the washing machine lol

We’ve just got back from taking our daughter to the consultant. That’s a 3.5hr round trip with me trying not to sob out loud in the front of the car and alert our daughter that mummy is in pain. I can’t stop my brain. I’ve said we’d try but I can’t see a way that f getting over this right now. They have tainted everything

I tried but his recent contact with the filthy hooker that’s not me being mean she is so low she even sold her story to the papers stating she is has started it all up again. When I said no contact I didn’t mean for 6 months

How is everyone doing today?

Today is the first day I have not cried. I also came to a decision today that there is no going back for me. I'm not strong enough to live like that, worrying everyday where he is, who is he with, who texted him or left a message. It would be torture and it would destroy me. I know it is not going to be easy and I know it will get nasty but I really have no choice. One month tomorrow since D day, and it has been the worst month of my life and I don't have much hope that this year will get better.

Brokenpromises I don't want to tell you to forgive and reconcile. But please don't make decisions while you are still so full of raw emotions. I am saying this because you need to make the right decision when you are less emotional and have a clear mind. I say this as an advice from my therapist who cannot tell me what to do but tells me that there is time, that I need to focus on myself, my healing and when the right time comes I will know what to do.

Also bear in mind the pain and hurt don't disappear when you break up. The same pain, the same questions are going through your head.

I have divorced and undivorced my H about 6 times in the initial stages. In the last month or so I promised myself that once the emotional rawness is gone I will make a decision either way. But I want to have a clear mind so I know what I am doing and be stronger.

Its to late I told him today, and he changed instantly, out went the nice man who wanted me back and would do anything for me, Out came the vile creature that I had for the first three days after finding out. His true colours. They are only nice for there own selfish needs.

Oh dear. I was going to say my MIL told me to think if I did be happier without dh and if so I would know what to do but him being vile makes it clear what you should do now

He is not on your team. He's not your boss. He doesn't get to dictate what you do or what happens with the house, money, kids etc.

Brokenpromises in that case there isn't much left, I'm sorry... you are doing the right thing. Be strong.

So sorry broken promises I hope you are ok

Have any of you had individual counselling? Did it help ? And how did u go about organising it I think I may benefit from it. I go from being incredibly angry to incredibly sad about everything

Alfie yes I am having individual counselling, it helps so much. Highly recommend it. If you have private insurance they will arrange for it.

If not just find someone in your area, I would recommend checking they are specialised in dealing with betrayal and affairs.

I had counselling but it wasn't for dh actions but of course we discussed what had happened then I had six sessions of a different kind of therapy where we discussed it more. I learnt why DH's actions had hit me so hard when arguably worse things I had been through hadn't knocked me as badly.

Research and then don't be afraid to say no thank you if you meet with someone you can't gel with. Dh and I had joint counselling an he had at least one session with her alone, but we found she made things worse.

Thanks I might give it a try. Also going to read the Shirley glass book

Has anyone on here considered having their own affair?

If I was staying with my dh I would be sorely tempted to enjoy what little of my youth was left. I would go out and have fun, and feel better, feel alive again.

This might not be how most of you feel, but for sure if he breaks my heart all bets are off for me too.

I was very tempted to go round and f*ck her husband. But i’m Just not that person. I do think i’ll Have to be more careful now because saying no when you know they didn’t will be so much harder. By the by my hairdresser told me my alopecia is back. So i’ve Lost my best friend.. my trust, security and sanity and now my hair! FML